Number 70 of my favorite 100 photos is...
another shot from last year in Empire, Colorado... a shot from the top of the mountain looking down on my starting point... the TVGuyMobile can be seen as a wee form of transportation... I'm tired just thinking about that hike....
We've hit another Big-Even-Numbered, Divisible-By-One-Hundred, Number-With-Lots-Of-Trailing-Zeros Milestone here at TVGuy... (600 posts for those of you keeping score... and we'll probably pass 75,000 guests this weekend) so I thought I'd take a break from my Top 100 Movies countdown and answer some emails that have been threatening to burst the TVGuy Mailbag at the seams... yes, it's one of our biggest mailbag posts ever, and I'm passing the savings on to you!
Giant sandwiches, the best and worst chain restaurants, meat flavored sodas... there's something for everyone...
As always, these are actual portions of actual letters written by actual people....
For the love of God, stop showing those disgusting fast food entries on your blog... I almost threw up my lunch looking at those disgusting giant burgers... are you mental?
You're right... I should respect the wishes of those who are eating lunch at their desk and taking time out of their day to drop by... er.. you know... and... ummm...
Hopefully I've gotten that out of my system and you won't have to...
you know... worry about... umm..... the... burgers and.. uh...
where was I... oh yes, the mailbag...
I was wondering if you've seen the commercial for the latest 'upgrade' to "The Clapper"?
Basically, there's a new item called "The Clapper Plus" for when you need to quietly turn a light on/off (because clapping is just too darn loud), there is a remote with an on/off button instead. And guess what? The commercial even says you can conveniently mount the remote on the wall! This is the problem--what the heck makes this different from a light switch?! Anyone who buys this is clearly a moron!
Hold on there sparky... maybe the "Clapper Plus" is a helpful, elegantly designed device that only improves one's quality of life a thousandfold...
and confirm that it indeed is as brilliant a device as one could hope for.. a real time-saver that turns a home into a castle! A device that...
Nah, it's crap. Can we call it the "Crapper Plus" from now on? I have other issues with it as well...
--yeah, putting it on the wall makes it a light switch. That's just really dumb anyway you look at it...
--you can use it apparently for "hard-to-reach" appliances... umm.. just where are people putting their stoves and refrigerators these days? the attic? the roof? what are they referring to?
--by the way, you can "carry the remote control with you"... gee, thanks. that's very helpful...
--the "home/away switch" offers "multi-function versatility"... yeah, if "Two" means "Multi", then I guess yes, it is just uber-helpful and versatile...
--have we gotten so damn lazy that we can't use a light switch anymore? What is wrong with us as a nation? Would Thomas Jefferson have a Clapper Plus at Monticello? I think not... moving on...
(It's worth noting that I may be the first person in Earth's history to put the words "Thomas Jefferson" and "Clapper Plus" in the same sentence....)
I know you didn't like the new Dr. Pepper Chocolate Cherry flavor, but I thought it was divine... I know they say there are 23 flavors in Dr. Pepper... but wait, if you add chocolate, aren't there then 24 flavors? Does Cherry make it 25?? I await your investigation...
I still think it tastes like feet, but I'm not going to investigate it any further... I greatly enjoy the original Diet Dr. Pepper and am happy with that...
yes, it's Christmas Ham Soda...
Those people at Jones Beverage are just nuts... I found this nugget o' info on the worldwideweb that frightened me a bit...
I guess "Chocolate" isn't that weird a soda flavor after all...
Hold on, a bit of work to take care of....
The good folks at Turner Broadcasting sent me a DVD of "World's Funniest Commercials: Hilarious Liasons", hosted by Kathy Griffin and asked me to take a look at it...
in their missive, it states that... well, if you're Kathy Griffin do you want this on your resume?
Now that I've dealt with that...(wait, that email was from someone who in the past has asked for TVCat photos... I was just tricked there wasn't I? They used reverse psychology on me... and it actually worked... sure, I could just erase the photo now and not post it, but then they would win because you wouldn't know about their treachery... and by posting their original letter and not this explanation, it would appear that I would have been bested by either posting the photo or not....)
My head hurts...
_____
My monthly poll about your favorite Hostess snacks ruffled some feathers....
>>The Twinkie beats the HoHo? It's madness I tell you. There's not a drop of chocolatey goodness in a Twinkie. I'll give you the delicious cream filling, but you get that in a HoHo as well. And someone's messing with you my friend. No one eats Snowballs, let alone claims it as their favorite. That's blatant results tampering.
--Jan******** @****tt.com
TVGuy: I'd eat ten pounds of cat food before a Hostess Sno-ball (and yes Jana, Hostess mysteriously spells it without the logical "W")...
The big question here is "Does a Ding Dong taste different than a Ho Ho"? As far as I can see, it's the same damn cake, just a different shape... right? Do studies need to be performed? It's a headscratcher, no question...
Also, why are "Ding Dongs" known as "King Dons" in parts of the country, and it was once a "King Dong"... I'd devote more time to this pressing issue, but then I'd have to just shoot myself... so let's move on...
_____
>>And another thing... what the hell is the difference between baking powder and baking soda anyway?? Why isn't that crap taught in schools??? Why isn't there a "Things you'll need to know in Life" class.. that deals with Car Insurance, Proper Tire Inflation and the best way to thaw chicken...
--car**** @yahoo.com
TVGuy: First of all, I've been saying that for years... how did I leave high school without 401k knowledge?? Or that you need to clean your dryer Lint Collector occasionally with hot water? I couldn't agree more... "Life Lessons 101" would be a brilliant addition to children's lives the world o'er...
Secondly, why the hell are you writing me about baking soda and/or baking powder? I've got far better things to do than to waste time doing research on something as simple as the primary difference between the two products, which to a master Chef like myself is as obvious as the nose on my face...
Baking Soda is... umm... er... white... uhh...
Shit. I don't know either... This is a job for...
I Had No Idea #11
Q: What is the difference between Baking Soda & Baking Powder anyway?
A: A lot....
Baking soda will live to see your four-year-old get married. Baking powder has a shelf life of about a year. What's the difference? Both are leavening agents, but baking powder contains an acid that allows it to react in recipes as soon as it gets wet, giving off the carbon dioxide that makes a cake rise. Baking soda has no acid; it relies on acids in the batter to activate it. If baking powder gets wet or is stored in a humid environment, its potency is diminished. To find out if your baking powder is still good, put some in a glass of water. If it bubbles, bake away. If not, head to the store.Happy? Good... next!
_____>> ...your brand of humor is grating.
--anonymous** @*******.com
TVGuy: Burn In Eternal Hellfire Thanks for Stopping By!
_____>> ...I can't even make Jell-O. I think I've dined out every day this month... do you mind if I borrow one of your cookbooks? Maybe two?
--ada**** @******.org
TVGuy: Of course you can... I also recommend subscribing to "Cooking Light" which each month has about a zillion easy recipes that are all healthy and delicious... as well as just googling a recipe... about.com, cooks.com, my recipes.com... all good resources..
...having said that, there are some absolutely ridiculous "recipes" on the internet... I came across this one the other day for a Cottage Cheese Sandwich.
Disgusting? Sure... but I wondered.. what goes on a Cottage Cheese Sandwich anyway? You won't believe the complexity of this recipe...
Cottage Cheese Sandwich1 piece whole wheat bread
1 serving of cottage cheese
1 teaspoon sugar free jam Toast your bread and then apply cottage cheese and top with jam.Yep.. pretty difficult huh? (Is "apply" the right word there? Just wondering...)
First of all, Yuck!
Second of all, it's not a sandwich if there is just one piece of bread...
and third, Yuck!!
I wonder who the genius was who came up with that? Oh, wait, I found another of their recipes...
Glass of Water1. Take clean glass out of cabinet.2. Turn on faucet.3. Place glass under faucet until desired liquid level is reached.4. Turn off faucet.5. Drink water.6. Enjoy!Warning: There is a maximum capacity of water inherent in each glass... holding the glass under faucet for long periods of time does not increase the amount of water available to consumer. It is recommended that you turn off faucet before this threshold is reached. Thank you._____
I wrote some time ago about some bathroom etiquette issues.... it
can be found here...
I had hoped that would be the end of that discussion... as always, I was wrong...
>>Some things I'd like to add: When I'm forced to take a leak next to you, just trust your peripheral vision and assume you don't know me. When someone executes the "prolonged look-over", nothing good can happen. If we do know each other, idle banter at the sink is fine. In addition, for the 14% of you who do wash your hands, try to make sure the used towel actually goes IN the trash. I know our sanitary maintenance folks enjoy cleaning up after you, but at least try to pretend you give a shit about the rest of mankind. Additionally, when leaving a urinal, flush. Not all of them are automatic. That shiny metal lever? Not for decoration. Maybe you'll even burn a calorie pulling it down. The lever, that is. Rambling now, I notice from time to time that men miss the urinal... How is that even possible? Do they piss on the floor at home? (Check that, they probably do...) I really do enjoy standing in fetid puddles.
Which would be a good name for a band, by the way.
--mmc******* @the***.tv
TVGuy: I don't think I'd want to see the collection of humanity standing in line to see a band called "The Fetid Puddles"...
I'd also like to add that if there are any stranger two words put together than "Urinal Cake" I'm not sure what they are...
next!
______>>The vet told me today that Logan (my dog) should get a rattlesnake vaccine. Where the hell do I live?
And where do I get one of those for myself?
--miss****** @yahoo.com
TVGuy: You moved to freakin' Idaho and you wonder about this stuff? It's Idaho! It's like the Junior Varsity State for people who want to move to Montana but don't know if they're quite ready yet!
Again,
Idaho!!!
(on a side note, at Radizio Grill the other night I had not one but two pieces of Rattlesnake Sausage... it was delicious by the way... but it further confirms my belief that I'd eat anything if it was followed by the word "Sausage"... well, except for maybe a Hostess Snoball Sausage...)
_______I had written some time ago about my difficulties with Apple Computer and their horrible, terrible, soulsucking Customer Service (
found here).... apparently the problem isn't contained to just North America....
>>Hey, Just wanted you to know that your blog is absolutely fun and hilarious! I love it! Anyway, I'm considering buying a Macbook myself and so wish me luck! Yes, I understand how you must have felt getting an iPod replaced. I took mine in and despite having about five "Geniuses" free at the moment, they scheduled me for an appointment 2 hours later! It took them five minutes to tell me I have a broken screen. Of course I know I have a broken screen! Then they asked if it's still under warranty and I said no, but can you guys fix it? The answer was an absolute nightmare: no, we don't fix iPod. If it's under warranty we'll replace it, but since yours isn't, you have to go to www.blahblahblah.com and mail your ipod to them to get it fixed. The price? 49 british pounds. I even thought of buying a shuffle for that instead of the broken 1st gen nano I had. Anyway just for emphasis: a decent read!
--IceT (via Blogger.com)
TVGuy: I know I should be thanking the gentleman for his kind words and all, but I can't really focus on anything other than he's from Britain and his name is "IceT"... that's weird, right?
_____
>>Audemos a buscar nuevos mercados para nuestros productos y asi balancear la economia durante este conflicto por la perdida de 2 paises comparadores
MONSTREMOS NUESTRA UNION!!
--blog @colombia********* .com
TVGuy: Umm...
Si?
_____>>Have you ever realized that when you buy readymade suits you get a choice of only a few colors & styles, also finding the perfect fit are quite difficult? Wouldn’t it be better to choose from over 2000 different British & Italian fabrics and get a tailor made suit at a similar price that you pay for readymade suits? We are a company based in Hong Kong and have been providing custom made suits & shirts since 1997. With representatives in major cities around the globe we can arrange to show you the fabric samples and take your measurements, or you can also place your orders online with the help of our measuring guide. There are over 2000 fabrics to choose from along with all the latest styles.All our suits and shirts are produced by highly skilled Shanghainese tailors in Hong Kong and delivered in about 4 weeks, express delivery can be made in 2 weeks at a minor extra cost. In case you are not able to find what you are looking for then please let us know your requirement may it be in words or by a photograph and we could arrange it for you.We also have an outlet at the Hotel Intercontinental Budapest where you are most welcome to visit us. Though we are not located in streets like Savile Row (London), we have still been able to offer made to measure suits to many VIP’s from around the world.Experience an easier way of shopping for bespoke suits & shirts at Euro Tailors
--KennySurtani*** @*****.com
TVGuy: I really don't know why I get crap like this, but since Mr. Surtani seems insistent on selling me an expensive suitcoat and expresses this by emailing me every 3 hours for the last 6 months, I just think I'd be remiss in informing him that currently in my closet I have over 65 t-shirts, 3 ties and one sportsjacket...
In other words, I might not be the target audience you're looking for.... so can you please stop emailing me? Thanks...
_____
and finally, longtime TVGuy Correspondant Jana gets a second crack at the mailbag...
>>You cannot have a discussion about Arbys without mentioning the Jamocha shake. It's on the list of top ten drive thru indulgences.
--Jan******** @****tt.com
TVGuy: You know how there are people who hate tomatoes, and yet love pizza sauce and ketchup?
Well, I've never had the Jamocha shake, mainly because I don't like cold coffee drinks... at all... I also don't like coffee ice cream... only hot coffee for me please... but I'm told by others that the Arby's frozen coffee beverage is pretty damn tasty....
Which ties in nicely with our last letter...
>>You've got a gun to your head... you've got three seconds... which do you pick, the Big Mac, the Whopper or the Wendy's Triple?
--thecand***** @***.com
TVGuy: Umm.. none of the above? I honestly haven't gone thru a restaurant drive thru yet this year... and have no plans to...
If push came to shove, probably the Big Mac there... the Whopper is deceiving in its caloric content... a Triple Anything scares the bejesus out of me... although the Big Mac has 3 slices of bread, which is kinda weird...
But this brings up something else that's been bugging me... when did Subway get out of the "healthy eating" business? Have you seen the commercials for their "Big Hot Pastrami"?
In the spot, everyone says what makes their sandwich so personal...
> Busy Executive: "I like lots of mustard!"
> Hungry Schoolkid: "Lots of Cheese for me!"
> Construction Worker: "They call me Mr. Big Hot Pastrami!!" (I don't even know what the hell that means...seriously, what the hell does that even mean???!!!)
...all the while they are holding a sandwich the length of a Louisville Slugger... how on earth could anyone eat that thing?
Seriously, who needs a Half Freakin' Pound of Pastrami! Interestingly, the nutritional info for this sandwich isn't readily apparent on the Subway site.. I looked for five minutes in vain... an independent site had it at over 1,100 calories, with about 50 percent of them coming from fat... yep, over 60 grams of fat at least... and I'm assuming that's without Mayo...
It's not just the Pastrami either... take a look at this behemoth...
How could you even fit this in your mouth? My God! I think that sandwich actually exerts gravitational forces on anyone near it...
Anyway, all this got me thinking... what are my favorite chain restaurants?
After one minute hours of careful consideration, I'd break it down like this...
MISSING THE CUT BUT NOT WITHOUT SOME MERIT...
>Sonic (best commercials on TV, wonderful drink options... but does everything on your menu have to be fried? I mean,
Everything?!? It's like eating at a Bowling Alley snack bar in 1974...)
>Taco Bell (it'll do in a pinch, but "bland" and "generic" comes to mind when I think of the Bell, and that's probably not a good thing....)
>Fazoli's (They got rid of their unlimited breadsticks for free where one of the staff would walk around with their breadstick basket and everyone in the restaurant would get really excited as they came near you, kinda like the drink cart on an airplane... but then you'd get the limp, lukewarm breadstick with 8,451 grams of fat and you'd be disappointed... but then you'd see her come out 5 minutes and later and get all excited again... anyway, it's like the end of an era... kind of.. man am I babbling...)
>International House of Pancakes (the only breakfast place I've found that has multiple syrup flavors which is good because I despise anything maple flavored... but even though the food is fine, you always walk out of there feeling like you need angioplasty and/or gastric bypass...)
>Pizzeria Uno (insanely unhealthy but a tasty pie nonetheless...)
Runners Up:
>Panda Express (with chunks of Real Panda!)
>Chili's (great soups and salads)
>LePeep (consistently good breakfasts and good lighter options)
>Buffalo Wild Wings (a little too expensive for the portions, but still yummy...)
>Buca di Beppo (garlic bread to die for...)
>Steak n' Shake (for their ChiliMac alone...)
>Good Times (now that's a tasty burger....)
and our "winners"...
Top Ten
>10. Boston Market (it's nice there's a quick place to get meatloaf and mashed potatoes isn't it?)
>9. Chipotle / Qdoba (tie) (waayyy too many calories, but delicious nonetheless...)
>8. Papa John's (delivery pizza generally sucks, but I think these guys are the best of the bunch...make sure you get the garlic dipping sauce and herb packet to sprinkle over the top...)
>7. Arby's (waayyyyy too expensive... but fantastic...)
>6. Old Chicago (Killer Beer selection and great happy hour appetizer specials... their Italian Nachos and Pepperoni Rolls are insanely delicious and their pizzas are highly underrated as well....)
>5. Rubio's (fish tacos are my dietary kryptonite... not that they aren't somewhat healthy, but for the simple fact I could eat a dozen right now...)
>4. Einstein Bros. Bagels (calorie-dense, but have you had their breakfast sandwiches? Mmmm... get the Spicy Elmo and thank me tomorrow...)
>3. California Pizza Kitchen (Great pizza dough, chopped salads kick butt...)
>2. Noodles (only fast food place I've ever been where I'd eat every single thing on their menu...)
and our winner...
>1. Wahoo's Fish Tacos (blackened cajun fish tacos and enchiladas with green sauce, served with the best black beans and rice on the continent... heaven...)
and the worst (in alphabetical order)...
BOTTOM-FEEDERS
>>Applebee's (sorry, but if you have to order fries a la carte after selecting an eight dollar sandwich, well... that's just bullshit. Fries come with your sandwich in America, and that's just how it is...)
>>Burger King (yeah, your corporate symbol "The King" is creepy beyond belief, but even worse is that menu... my god, you serve a sandwich that has FOUR patties on it... I cannot believe they haven't come up with the "Cinco de Mayo" Burger with 5 patties slathered in Mayonnaise yet... actually, that isn't a bad idea... I mean, it's disgusting... but it's kinda clever... I'm sure they'll steal it...)
>>Hardee's (you people should be ashamed of yourselves.. "The Triple MonsterThickburger"...
really??)
>>KFC (The Colonel... sure, he's smiling.. but how many people have had arteries harden because of his fare? A million? A billion? To me, he's "America's Friendliest Serial Killer")
>>Long John Silver (it's always bothered me that their logo has a smiling fish on it.. wouldn't the fish be unhappy to be brutually murdered then fried in peanut oil? I know I would be...)
>>McDonald's (only 2 things redeems them from being the worst restaurant on the Earth, and that is that their Biscuit Breakfast Sandwiches are simply delicious... and the "Ronald McDonald House" has helped tens of thousands of people who are ill and supported their families and they get big kudos for that... imagine if they actually served healthy food and promoted it correctly... they could singlehandedly improve our nation's health a thousandfold.. instead, McNuggets it is..)
>>Pizza Hut (I understand their new "Mia" $5 pizza is a crime against decency... but I'll just reserve my hatred for their "Pan Pizza" which has more grease than John Travolta's hair in the movie... er.. well, "Grease"....
>>Red Lobster (when you just don't want to give more than a nanosecond of thought about what to eat, settle for this...)
>>Subway (Every sandwich to me tastes exactly the same... it's like they have a "Uni-Animal" that they just butcher, slice up and then color the meat differently.... and yes Jared, we've noticed you haven't tucked your shirt in since 1998... be careful there sport....)
>>White Castle (one Xmas day about a zillion years ago I was working at a TV station in Indianapolis and since White Castle was the only place open at 8pm we decided to make a run for some sliders... while standing at the counter I saw the "cook" drop a giant sheet pan of burger patties onto a floor that looked like it had been last swept and mopped during the heights of the Apollo Moon Program... anyway, he just grabbed them all (with his hands) individually and put them back on the pan and proceeded to start using them to make our sandwiches... we opted to leave immediately and had Big Gulps and Doritos Big Grabs for our holiday dinner. Yeah, I've had better Christmas meals, no doubt....)
I think next month's Poll question will have to tackle the "Worst Fast Food Restaurant" Question... but those are mine... and now it's time to close the mailbag and have some lunch... at least I know where I'm NOT going....
I wonder if Wahoo's is open yet?
_____________________
Manny: Interesting, isn't it?
Buffy: Oh, yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle if Meg and Tom were, like, minced...
--"
Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)
