TV Guy

The Christmas Crustacean

2011-12-25T11:04:00.001-07:00

Frasier: Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'
--"Frasier" (NBC)

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Radio City Music Hall flanked by very large Xmas ornaments, taken 2 weeks ago...
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Booth: Bones, it’s after midnight. Hm? Christmas Eve Day. Both an eve and a day, it’s a Christmas miracle.
Brennan: Still enjoying your medication, I see.
--"Bones" (FOX)

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The most common comment I get from folks who find out that I have a Christmas Birthday is always "Wow, that kinda sucks.. you must get screwed in the presents category only getting one gift huh?"

I always agree with them and bring up the "pair gifts" dilemma... socks, salt & pepper shakers, anything that comes in a set that can be split as One Birthday Gift and One Christmas Gift. But truth be told, that really hasn't been my experience... my mother was always great about making sure I had birthday presents to open later in the afternoon (a tradition I enforce to this day.. I have 3 TVGal gifts sitting by our television unopened as I type this). Really, the only sucky thing about the day is that I'm a bit overshadowed by that guy who died for our sins and all... I would pay a large sum of cash to legally have my birthday changed to sometime in June or July.... but it could be worse... let's face it, Feb. 29th (leap year) is obviously the single worst day to have a birthday on... once every four years? Yikes.... no thank you....

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Mary Alice: There's a reason people can't wait for Christmas, and it has little to do with family reunions or curling up with a cup of eggnog or that unexpected kiss beneath the mistletoe or receiving a present from that special someone. No, people look forward to Christmas because they know it's a time for miracles...
--"Desperate Housewives" (ABC)

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I would think July 4th would be a fun holiday to claim as a birthday... you'd always be invited to a BBQ, and who doesn't love fireworks at the end of a birthday every year? New Year's Eve would be pretty okay in my book too... you'd always be invited to a party for sure (one of the other crummy things about the Xmas birthday.. very few restaurants and bars have been open over the years for anyone to buy me a drink or share a celebratory dinner... although there are a few open tonight that we'll hit after an early evening bowling match with friends).

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Prime Minister: Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around...

--"Love, Actually" (2003)

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As I begin my 49th trip around Sol, there isn't much bad about being born on Dec. 25th.. off the top of my head I can only think of a few things...

1. The TV Network Bravo is airing "Kathy Griffin: Tired Hooker" this morning at 10am. On behalf of all of here at the TVGuy Mansion, a simple holiday message to Ms. Griffin and anyone working in the Bravo Programming Department....

Burn In Hell For All Eternity...

Thanks and happy holidays. Where were we? Oh yes, the list...

2. Actually, that's about it.

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Anya: Oh, who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: Maybe we could do a holiday promotion -- one free with every purchase.
Giles: Oh, yes... dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet.
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)

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On the plus side last night on Gregmas Eve we had our traditional Stuffed Lobster Tails and viewing of "Love, Actually". Since I don't have a picture of Hugh Grant handy, how about one of our Featured Crustacean Dish??

It was our fourth year of having the tails... I asked TVGal if she wanted something different and I couldn't finish the sentence without her shouting "Nooooo"... so the tradition continues for the foreseeable future... they are really fun to make and she proclaimed them a 10 out of 10... the recipe ensues...

Stuffed Lobster Tails

(courtesy Cooking Light)

Ingredients

6 frozen lobster tails, cooked, reserving just 4 of the empty tails to stuff.
2 cups crushed reduced-fat round buttery crackers (such as Ritz)
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
3 tablespoons fresh Parmesan cheese
2 1/2 tablespoons butter, melted
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
4 lemon wedges

Preparation

Preheat broiler.
Remove the meat from the cooked lobster tail and claws; chop meat. Set lobster tail shells aside. Combine the lobster, crackers, and the next 5 ingredients (crackers through Worcestershire sauce) in a large bowl. Divide the lobster mixture evenly among tail shells. Broil the stuffed lobster tails 8 minutes or until golden brown. Serve with lemon wedges.

We also had a stuffed scallop, andouille sausage slices, buttery noodles and corn to complete the meal... but seriously, that lobster... really great. And before you complain about the price of lobster tails, Kroger / King Soopers have them right now (and every December) for 2/$5.00. No excuses...

With Hash Brown Casserole cooking in the oven and a Christmas Brunch just an hour away, I bid you all adieu, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a joyous Gregmas...

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Brennan: Booth, who is a very honest person, says that at this time of year deception is necessary for the happiness of little children.
Booth: I'm being misquoted.
Sweets: Booth is absolutely right.
Booth: She got the jist.
Sweets: There is a fictional element to Christmas.
Brennan: You mean the whole birth of a savior rigamarole?
Booth: It is not rigamarole!
Sweets: No Dr. Brennan it's the feeling of Christmas. What people call the Christmas spirit. It's a kind of dream or hope we carry with us from childhood. But as adults...
Booth: Are you including you in that?
Sweets: As adults we're imbued by the pragmatic routines of daily life which make it difficult for us to regard anything with childlike wonder. But you know it's alright for us to try. We put on silly hats, drape trees in sparkly lights and wrap gifts in garish paper and that's good for us. It's not only alright to allow children the transient experience of innocence and joy, it's our responsibility.
--"Bones" (FOX)

Suited to a tea, part two...

2011-12-03T13:16:00.001-07:00

Summer thistle shot during a hot air balloon chase downtime in Boulder...

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It's wintertime, and a middle-aged man's thoughts turn to Peppermint Hot Chocolate. At least mine do. TVGal and I are generally a cup of coffee in the morning folks, but December is a perfect time to mix it up... We have a ton of tea at the house, but haven't dipped into that beverage pool in some time....

My previous experience with the tea industry, documented here, kept me away from the leafy beverage for months....

But TVGal received some tea as a gift from coworkers so we'll be having a tasting next week to complete my Tea Trilogy.. but to have a Trilogy, you need a part two... and the tea boxes in our work lunchroom have been bugging me for awhile...

I know what you're thinking... TVGuy, there is no way you can complain about boxes of tea. It's not possible... Is there nothing so trivial you won't whine about?

No. There isn't.

Let me explain...

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Look, I realize marketing folks have it tough these days, what with millions of customers from all walks of life sampling their products.. but the tea gurus at Bigelow aren't really even trying most of the time.. and yes, I have examples....

Let's start with a simple one...

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The Tea: Peppermint Herb Tea

The Description on the Box: Refreshing Peppermint

TVGuy: I think I'll decide whether its refreshing or not, but I can live with it... but this is about as good as it gets.. it's all downhill from here.. for example...

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The Tea: Orange Spice

The Description on the Box: A zesty blend of orange & spice.

TVGuy: I'm not sure here, but I believe that the two ingredients here are "orange" and "spice".

Look, when you are buying Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream you know it has mint and chocolate chips.. it's not on the carton top saying "A blend of chocolate chips and mint". McDonald's Cheeseburgers aren't a "blend of cheese and meat". We all get it. We've been to grade school... Is there anyone who reads "Orange Spice" and has any questions about what we're dealing with here? I'm quite certain they won't possibly repeat their mistake though.. let's move on....

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The Tea: Cranberry Apple

The Description on the Box: Blend of cranberries and sweet apples.

TVGuy: Okay, we get it. It's cranberries and apples.... what else could it be???????? I'm not making this up, this is what's on the box...

Just give us some credit here... if it's "Cranberry Apple" tea, everyone can figure out that the ingredients are "cranberries" and "apples".... seriously, enough with this... moving on...

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The Tea: Cinnamon Apple

The Description on the Box: Blend of apples and cinnamon.

TVGuy: Look, if you can't think of anything to put on the box text-wise how about more pictures of apples? Or cinnamon? But if the person drinking your product doesn't know that Cinnamon Apple Tea contains "cinnamon" and "apples", maybe they shouldn't be handling hot liquids at all, right? I mean, you aren't even trying at this point... that's beyond lazy. Why not just call your beverage "Liquid With Stuff In It"??

I'm just glad we're done with this.. next!

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The Tea: Fruit & Almond

The Description on the Box: Blend of fruit and almond.

TVGuy: AAAIIEEEEE!!!!!!!

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The Tea: Cozy Chamomile

The Description On The Box: Calming chamomile for quiet moments...

TVGuy: Actually, wouldn't it be for anxious moments? If I'm already calm, I don't need chamomile for a "quiet moment". You need it to make you less anxious... I know I'm right here...

Let's move on to the website descriptions, where we delve in depth into the exciting world of tea branding....

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The Tea: Ginger Snappish

The Description on the Box: Snappy Ginger Herb Tea with Lemon.

Website Main Description 1: A snappy ginger herbal tea with lemon.

TVGuy: So apparently it's a ginger tea with lemon... huh. Who saw that one coming? Hard to figure with all these baffling tea terms like "ginger" and "lemon".... let's see if they delve deeper into these flavors...

Website Main Description 2: This delicious caffeine-free herbal tea is a blend of ginger with a hint of lemon.

TVGuy: WE KNOW. IT TASTES LIKE GINGER AND LEMON. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, PLEASE STOP !!

Ahem... please excuse me, where were we....

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The Tea: Pomegranate Pizzazz

Website Main Description 1: Refreshing sweet & tart taste of pomegranate.

TVGuy: Huh. That's not bad. Maybe they've got the kinks worked out....

Website Main Description 2: At last, the power of pomegranate in a tea bag... impossible, but true!

TVGuy: Then again...

Website Main Description 3: Leave it to Bigelow to blend 100% natural herbal tea with real fruit juice for a whole new concept in fresh brewed tea!

TVGuy: How is this even one iota different than Apple Tea, Lemon Tea, Blueberry Tea, Peach Tea, Unicorn Tea, Strawberry Tea, etc etc blah blah blah.... you take fruit and blend it with the damn tea... you aren't splitting any atoms here folks....

Website Main Description 4: Specially created for today's healthy lifestyles, this delicious tea is scrumptious either hot or iced and is great for the whole family... perfect for the kids....

TVGuy: Memo to Bigelow... if it's good for the whole family, that's all you need to say. That includes the kids. "Whole" = All the members of the family. Okay?

Drives me nuts... and yes, I made up the "Unicorn Tea" two sentences ago.. just wanted to see if you were paying attention....

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The Tea: Chamomile Mint

The Description on the Box: Comforting chamomile & "mmm"-mint.

Website Main Description: Soothing chamomile with a taste of mint.

TVGuy: And we're back to the creativity of a rock again... Chamomile. Check. Mint. Check. Got it.

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The Tea: Pumpkin Spice

The Description On The Box: Autumn spiced tea.

TVGuy: Do seasons have flavors?

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The Tea: Eggnogg'n (here we go...)

The Description on the Box: An "eggceptional" winter tea. (Kill me...)

Website Main Description: An "Eggceptional" Tea.

TVGuy: I'm imagining the focus groups are pretty much made up of preschoolers over at Bigelow...

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The Tea: Earl Grey

The Description on the Box: Tea perfectly flavored with natural bergamot.

TVGuy: Umm... I'll take your word for it that it's "perfectly flavored" but I think the bigger question is what the hell is Bergamot?? Whether it's natural or not, I've never seen that word before. I'm a little scared to tell you the truth... it could be those little plastic things on the ends of shoelaces... maybe the excretions of the African Dung Beetle... or something magical... like the essence of a rainbow, or a leprechaun's daydreams....

Either way it's going to be quite the discovery... I feel like Neil Armstrong getting ready to step foot on the lunar surface...

Let me head to Google.. back in a second...

(Googling...)

Oh. It's an orange. Well that sucks. Next....

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The Tea: Plantation Mint

The Description on the Box: You will find Plantation Mint a delightful flavor surprise.

TVGuy: No I won't. I expect it to taste like... you know... Mint. There will be no surprises here... unless of course you are African-American and wondering what the hell the word "Plantation" is doing as the name of a product in the 21st century.... let's wrap this up...

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The Tea: "Constant Comment"

The Description on the Box: Tea flavored with oranges and sweet spice.

TVGuy: This is apparently their best selling tea, and I have no idea what the heck "Constant Comment" means in reference to drinking tea. None. I mean, I literally can't hazard a guess. Can you?

(waiting....)

I didn't think so... let's head over to the Bigelow website and see if we can't suss this out.... because it absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, be that people 7 decades ago were so incredibly boring that orange flavored tea caused them to talk about nothing else... please, let it be anything but that...

From the site...

Over 60 years ago my mother, Ruth Campbell Bigelow changed the way we drink tea in the United States. An avid tea connoisseur, Ruth thought tea drinkers like herself would enjoy a more zestfully flavored tea. Happening upon a special colonial recipe that called for tea to be blended with orange peel and spices, she decided to try and re-create what she felt sounded like a wonderful idea. After much trial and error in the family kitchen, she finally hit upon what she thought was the best tasting recipe. After sharing samples with family, friends and acquaintances, one of them reported back that her new tea had caused nothing but constant comments.

That... well.. uh... hmm... honestly, that really doesn't make any sense at all...

That's ridiculous actually...

(1941 - Bigelow Kitchens)

Ruth: Here... try my new tea!
Carol: Sure... (takes a sip)
Ruth: Well??
Carol: It's good.. tastes like oranges.
Ruth: And???
Carol: Umm... (takes a second sip)... some spices too?
Ruth: Very good... what else??
Carol: Well.. it's hot?
Ruth: And???
Carol: Er... I don't know what else you want me to say here...?

Ruth: It's a lovely tea isn't it?

Carol: Sorry?

Ruth: Don't you have some other things to share?
Carol: No. Not really.
Ruth: That can't possibly be true.. come on now.. give me your thoughts...
Carol: I'm uncomfortable right now...
Ruth: Feel what the tea feels...
Carol: You're a very odd person...
Ruth: Looking into the cup of tea what do you see?
Carol: Listen.. it's just tea...
Ruth: And you can't stop commenting about it can you?
Carol: No, you can't stop commenting about it... you are constantly commenting about that damn tea..
Ruth: The flavors remind you of a long sunday drive don't they?
Carol: I'm very, very uncomfortable....is there anyone else in the house?
Ruth: It's just us... and that wonderful tea...
Carol: (loudly) Help? Anyone?
Ruth: That's some tea though right?!
Carol: You've been drinking, haven't you?
Ruth: Yes! My new tea!
Carol: That's not what I meant...

Regardless, we'll give it a try in the TVGuy TasteTestLabs next week...

Now go sit by the fire with a cup of tea why don't you.....

____________________
Sam: Nobody got hurt at the Boston Tea Party. The only people that got hurt was some fancy boys who didn't have anything to wash down their crumpets with. We jumped out from behind bushes, while the British came down the road in their bright red jackets, but never has a war been so courteously
declared. It was on parchment with calligraphy and "Your highness, we beseech you on this day in Philadelphia to bite me, if you please..."
--"The West Wing" (NBC)

Rude Awakenings...

2011-11-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

The Road to Maroon Bells from this Autumn....

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Over the years I've given a dollar here or there to folks who ask for it... you know the ones... outside of stores, pushing shopping carts filled with the debris of others... but there is one group I will not give a second thought to..

The CardboardSignAtTheIntersectionGuy

Why? 4 reasons...

1. I've seen one guy sit down in a wheelchair after walking twenty feet at a brisk normal pace... pull an artificial limb out of a backpack, take off a shoe and shove the thing over a foot. I've also seen them rifle through a backpack of twenty or so different signs, as if they are deciding what mood they are in and what neighborhood fits their tales of woe... I've also seen them listening to iPods worth more than my television set while answering their 3G Smartphones... In other words, I don't believe any of them.

2. The times I've offered to give them food or gift certificates have ALWAYS been met with "F* You, I want money". Charming.

3. I've also had friends offer them work around the house, raking leaves or cleaning a cluttered garage only to be met with "F* you, I make 80 dollars an hour on this streetcorner"..... Lovely.

4. I simply can't stand the slow walk of shame as they walk by your car to ensure that you see them... I love being made to feel guilty for finishing high school and having a job... and being shamed into where I give my money to people less fortunate than me... nice...

Are some of them truly down on their luck? Of course... but there are city services.. go take advantage of them... and get out of these dangerous highway intersections and overpasses before you get hurt... unless your 2008 Volkswagen Jetta is parked nearby, then by all means have at it...

I've given people with pretty elaborate "I need 10 dollars for gas, here's my business card/phone number/whatever and I'llPayYouBackTomorrowPromiseThanksSoMuchStranger" stories 10 or 20 bucks and never heard back from anyone... I chased a guy once who took my 20 then turned around 2 minutes later and hit the same person with the same story... I took off my coat and glasses and went past him again and he started with the tale of woe once more.. I of course let him hang himself and then said I'd need my 20 bucks back... he wasnt very happy with me but I was quite a bit larger than him and my expression let him know that running away wasn't a good idea either....

My point being, I don't trust anyone anymore...

I bring this up because last night during the Broncos game I was out on my deck talking on my phone and a 45 year old guy dressed in business casual with a name tag on a lanyard said "hey, I thought I heard someone talking" and was looking at me.. I told the person I was talking to on the phone that I'd call them back and asked him what was up... which led us to this exchange....

GuyWithProblem: Hey, I ran out of gas... can you spare 10-15 dollars?

TVGuy: Umm... where is your car?

GuyWithProblem: Its at the stadium... (I live blocks from Sports Authority Field at Mile High)

TVGuy: I'll bring you down something.. hold on...

(one minute later)

GuyWithProblem: Hey, Thanks....

TVGuy: I have to ask... where's your wallet? You left the house without it?

GuyWithProblem: Yeah, totally forgot it.. and all my friends are at the game or watching it and can't help (holding his phone out)

TVGuy: Well, I have to tell you everyone I've ever given money to in this circumstance has totally screwed me...

GuyWithProblem: Oh, no.. not me...

TVGuy: So you'll pay me back...

GuyWithProblem: Oh yes, of course I will!

TVGuy: Well, where do you live?

GuyWithProblem: Not far, Lakewood (western suburb of Denver, 2-5 miles away)

TVGuy: 10-15 bucks seems a little excessive... I mean, a gallon and a half is getting you to the mountains...

GuyWithProblem: (hadn't thought that through apparently) well, I live pretty... far away....

TVGuy: How about 3-4 bucks.. that will get you 15 to 20 miles or so...

GuyWithProblem: Okay...(somewhat dejected..)

TVGuy: (hands over money)

GuyWithProblem: Thanks! (begins walking away)

TVGuy: Hey! Should we not talk about how you'll be paying me back?

GuyWithProblem: Well, that was for 10-15 bucks... this is only 4, right? You want this money back? Seriously?? That's pretty fuckin' cheap...

TVGuy: (wondering if I murdered him with my bare hands and tossed him between two tailgating trucks if anyone would notice) No, of course not.. could I get you a couple of beers for the walk back to the car while I'm at it?

GuyWithProblemNoLonger: (perks right up) Heck yeah!

TVGuy: I'll be right back down with a six pack...

GuyWithProblemNoLonger: Alright!

I of course never went back down...

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I told TVGal a slightly less detailed version because she HATES when I speak up to total strangers in public... I do it probably more than I should.. but I can't stand rudeness and I won't abide by it if possible... if it's a 320 pound guy walking around with a machete, hey, the world is your oyster fella.... but if its a 165 pound 5'1" woman picking up a food order....

(a month ago... Papa Murphy's....)

I'm standing in line, and I'm next up after the lady at the register is done.. the door opens to my left and a VERY large couple, one of them quite blind with cane and sunglasses steps in behind me... I smile and turn back to the register, eager to snatch up what has easily become the favorite "delivery" pizza of those us at the TVGuyMansion...

But wait...

The door opens again and the aforementioned 5'1" woman comes in and stands off to my left, looking up at the menu over me... as the woman in front of me leaves the register she darts in front of me and begins describing her pickup order to the cashier...

Flabbergasted, I turn behind me and the woman standing next to the blind guy shrugs her shoulders as if to say "some people, what are you going to do?"

Well, this is what you do...

TVGuy: (twenty seconds into her order) Excuse me...

WomanObliviousToAll: (continues ordering)

TVGuy: EXCUSE ME!

WomanObliviousToAll: (stops and looks at me)

TVGuy: I'm certain given your advanced age that you are familiar with the concept of the "Line", where people start at the back and move forward in a polite fashion...

WomanObliviousToAll: (shrugs and turns back to complete order)

TVGuy: (raised voice) You realize you cut not only in front of me, but a GOD DAMN BLIND GUY. I mean, you're going straight to Hell, you know that right?

WomanObliviousToAll: (turns) You're an asshole...

TVGuy: And you're a (I really can't type what I said.... sorry...)

WomanObliviousToAll: What??

TVGuy: How about you get in the back of the fucking line sweetheart?

WomanObliviousToAll: Fuck you... (pays cash for her order.. the cashier wants her to leave immediately and gets her stuff swiftly.... she grabs it and walks past me without looking at me... gets to door, pushes through it and yells several obscenities at me as she walks to the car running in the lane next to the store)

TVGuy: (to the cashier) Sorry about that....

Cashier: No, I didn't know she cut... I wouldn't have...

I cut her off, paid for my food and walked out.. the woman left in the store and the blind guy both applauded, which made me feel as if I 'd done the right thing.... as I walked out of the store the car containing the linecutter was gleefully still there.... and of course I couldn't resist...

TVGuy: (at open car window) Hey!

WomanObliviousToAll: (looking out, recognizing me and scowling) What??

TVGuy: The cashier said you dropped ten bucks in the store.. I think its at the counter...

WomanObliviousToAll: (wary, but happy about the upcoming "windfall")... okay...er.... thanks...

Of course I made that up and I hated to do that to the cashier, but it seemed the easiest way to inconvenience her and not have to swear anymore...

I've promised TVGal that these things will happen less in the future... wish me luck...

____________________
Sara Sidle: What do you think caused these marks?
Hodges: Give me more time. I'm not a miracle worker.
Sara: Well, that's obvious, Hodges. If you were a miracle worker, you wouldn't be rude.
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)

Beat TVGuy 2011 Emmy Contest

2011-09-16T11:39:00.003-06:00

Guanella Pass a few months back....

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Better late than never, it's time once again for the Beat TVGuy Emmy Pool Contest...

the top 3 people who beat my score will win fabulous prizes... it's free to enter, you have until Sunday at 4pm MST to get your picks in, same rules as all previous Beat TVGuy Contests... (and yes, I need to know who you are to play...). Email your entries to denvertvguy@gmail.com

Good Luck!

TVGuy Free Emmy Contest Ballot

Best Comedy Series
Big Bang Theory
Glee
Modern Family
The Office
Parks and Recreation
30 Rock

Best Drama Series
Boardwalk Empire
Dexter
Friday Night Lights
Game of Thrones
The Good Wife
Mad Men

Outstanding Lead Actor - Comedy
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Louis C.K., Louie
Steve Carell, The Office
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Outstanding Lead Actress - Comedy
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Laura Linney, The Big C
Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly
Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope
Amy Poehler, Parks & Recreation

Outstanding Lead Actor - Drama
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights
Michael C Hall, Dexter
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House
Timothy Olyphant, Justified

Oustanding Supporting Actor, Drama
John Slattery, Mad Men
Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age
Walton Goggins, Justified
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife

Outstanding Lead Actress - Drama
Kathy Bates, Harry's Law
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
Mireille Enos, The Killing
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
Julianna Marguiles, The Good Wife
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men

Oustanding Supporting Actress, Drama
Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Michelle Forbes, The Killing
Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife
Margo Martindale, Justified
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife

Outstanding Supporting Actor - Comedy
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
Chris Colfer, Glee
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Ed O'Neill, Modern Family

Outstanding Supporting Actress - Comedy
Jane Lynch, Glee
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Betty White, Hot in Cleveland

Updated: TVGuy Pix..

Best Comedy Series

Modern Family

Best Drama Series

Mad Men

Outstanding Lead Actor - Comedy

Steve Carell, The Office

Outstanding Lead Actress - Comedy

Laura Linney, The Big C

Outstanding Lead Actor - Drama

Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Oustanding Supporting Actor, Drama

John Slattery, Mad Men

Outstanding Lead Actress - Drama

Julianna Marguiles, The Good Wife

Oustanding Supporting Actress, Drama

Margo Martindale, Justified

Outstanding Supporting Actor - Comedy

Ty Burrell, Modern Family

Outstanding Supporting Actress - Comedy

Jane Lynch, Glee

Letters, we get letters...

2011-08-01T17:16:00.000-06:00

Chili and Pepper....

_________________

It's been awhile since we've opened up the TVGuy mailbag, so let's start our engines and get roaring out of the gate with a positive, well-written missive that will be sure to get us thinking...

>So you don't like bicyclists? Go F*ck Yourself...
--(comment from Blogger - Aud123)

TVGuy: Not exactly the tone I'd been hoping for... perhaps another...

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>Your an ass.
--(comment from Blogger - heysus)

TVGuy: Yeah, not getting off on a positive note here... I got a lot of flak from my blog entry stating that many bicyclists didn't follow the rules of the road... and observing the ones in Boulder the past few weeks they seem to have it down pat.. but Denver's bike riders pedal as if they are drunk, entitled and just plain rude...

Oh, and "heysus"? It's "you're", not "your".... drop me a note and let me know how that GED went for you... I hear that can be a tricky test....

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>I read you were getting a new TVCat... if so, has he fit into the TVGuy family as well as his predecessor?
--kathy44@******.com

TVGuy: Well, we got two cats.. we had "Chili" picked out but then a stray kitten basically jumped in TVGal's purse... his name was "Pepper", and if that isn't the Feline Gods telling you something, I don't know what is...

Their pictures are above, but I'll add another below.. you tell me, are they getting along??

They've been nothing short of a delight... the "TVCat" moniker has been retired in honor of Yellow Kitty... but I'm sure some sort of nickname will manifest itself at some point....

_________

>You're on a desert island. You have a case of 1 alcoholic beverage and 1 non-alcoholic... your choice? (If you choose water I'll vomit onto my keyboard.)
--catherineD@****.net

TVGuy: I'm tempted to choose water just so you have to buy a new keyboard....

Before I answer, this is a good spot to again state that these emails are just segments of a larger email... if someone just emailed me the above question with no explanation we'd all have to agree I have pretty strange friends..

Anyway...

Non-Alcoholic is simple... my favorite beverage on this planet has been and shall always be Apple Juice. Oh sure, Orange Juice gets all the good press but AJ kicks its butt both alphabetically and flavorically.. (I know that isn't a word but it sounded fun in my head so sue me...)

Nothing is more refreshing to me than AJ and that's been true for the better part of four decades now and I see nothing coming down the pike to change my mind...

However...

Favorite Alcoholic Beverage? It changes so often that I'm not comfortable picking one for all eternity (how long am I on this island anyway?)....

But two weeks ago TVGal and I were out and about and a waitress recommended a Strawberry Beer to us... it was 9 dollars (!) so I balked but she talked me into it... I've stated it publicly many times and I'll do so again.. I like fruity beer. Sue me.

And this one (Samuel Smith's Organic Strawberry Ale) was the finest one of its kind, and there might not be one even close enough to rank number two. We had one again last night with dinner and TVGal's smile went on for about 20 minutes...

It's utterly delicious. And that's all I've got to say about that....

_________

>How's the 12 week fitness regimen going?
--JT55@*****.com

TVGuy: Well, it's not at all actually... had some wrist pain which prevented any serious exercise and summer's minefield of tasty treats stopped it pretty fast in its tracks...

But TVGal and I have a trip in October and we need to get in shape pronto... so today is actually day One of 63.. a 9 week serious attempt to get into something resembling swimsuit shape... And since being accountable to all who stumble across this blog does seem to motivate me... my weight / fat percentage as of this morning...

Day 1:
Weight 216.2
Body Fat%: 23.8

That's about as much as I've weighed this century... 223 is my high, and my recent trip to Vegas didn't help matters (screw the gambling, damn the food out there is just crazy good...)

So I have 9 weeks to get at it.. wish me luck...

______

>Do fish get thirsty?
--mlc1992@*********.com

TVGuy: I know that this is one of those "funny" questions that pop up from time to time, but I'll do some research in the TVGuy laboratories and come up with a definite answer, okay?

Here's what I've come up with so far...

Experiments have been performed to evaluate the effects of temperature-induced changes in functional gill lamellar surface area on the distribution of ionocytes and branchial chloride fluxes in goldfish (Carassius auratus). In fish acclimated to warm water (25°C), the ionocytes were scattered along the lamellae and within the interlamellar regions of the filament. In cold water (7°C), the ionocytes were largely absent from the lamellae and filaments but instead were mostly confined to the outer regions of an interlamellar cell mass (ILCM) that formed within the interlamellar channels. Using a time-differential double fluorescent staining' technique, it was determined that in fish transferred from 25° to 7°C, the ionocytes on the outer edge of (and within) the ILCM originated predominantly from the migration of pre-existing ionocytes and to a lesser extent from the differentiation of progenitor cells. Despite the greater functional lamellar surface area in the warm-water-acclimated fish, there was no associated statistically significant increase in passive branchial Cl– efflux. Because the paracellular efflux of polyethylene glycol was increased 2.5-fold at the warmer temperature, it would suggest that goldfish specifically regulate (minimize) Cl– loss that otherwise would accompany the increasing functional lamellar surface area. In contrast to predictions, the numbers and sizes of individual ionocytes was inversely related to functional lamellar surface area resulting in a markedly greater ionocyte surface area in fish acclimated to cold water (5219±438 compared with 2103±180 μm2 mm–1 of filament). Paradoxically, the activity of Na+/K+-ATPase (as measured at room temperature) also was lower in the cold-water fish (0.43±0.06 compared with 1.28±0.15 μmol mg–1 protein h–1) despite the greater numbers of ionocytes. There were no statistically significant differences in the rates of Cl– uptake in the two groups of fish despite the differences in ionocyte abundance. It is possible that to maintain normal rates of Cl– uptake, a greater ionocyte surface area is required in the cold-water fish that possess an ILCM because of the unfavorable positioning of the ionocytes on and within the ILCM, a structure lacking any obvious blood supply.

I hope that answers your question....

_______

>I saw a picture on your Facebook page that had a lightning bolt hitting Denver during the daytime... how on Earth did you do that? Any help you can give is greatly appreciated...

--amy*******@yahoo.com

TVGuy: I'm assuming you meant this one.....

Pretty happy with that one, not going to lie... at night you would just put your camera on a tripod and take 3-8 second shots during a storm and you're bound to get some good bolts... during the day you can't do that so just do what I did... take 100 pictures one after another and hope to get a bolt in the shot...

You could get Neutral Density filters and get all crazy, but shooting lighting during the day is like trying to catch a bullet out of a gun with your hand... hard to do and painful to attempt...

_____________

Off to the midwest next week.. St. Louis, Indianapolis, Monmouth, Davenport and Chicago... yes, I know, why travel when the humidity and temperatures together will be well over 1 billion percent?? It's the only time I could go... but I'll enjoy seeing some old friends, eating at Bazbeaux Pizza (ah, the memories) and taking about 1,283,435 photos... Ill update the blog when I return.. until then, keep those letters coming... unless you're a psychotic bicyclist....

______________________
Andy: I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels. I'll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready. Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well...

--"The Shawshank Redemption" (1994)

Lodo Bites (kind of): Part 2 of 2

2011-06-24T14:33:00.001-06:00

Wine Loft hallway with mirrors...

__________

Date: June 21, 2011

Event: LodoBites

Location: Downtown Denver

The Participants: TVGuy, TVGal, BeardedJeff, PregnantRobyn, WithBabySusan, EverybodyLovesRobert, WeaponsBob, TheFetchingGretchen, MarMan, JustinMac, Justin'sGirl

To recap, we're breaking down Lodo Bites, a restaurant "Food Crawl" in downtown Denver.. 4 hours, 11 people, 20 restaurants.... we're 1:50 in and we've completed the first 10 so we're a touch ahead of schedule... let's hit the second ten, shall we?

Restaurant: Wazee Supper Club

Menu: Pizza, Cookies

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 2

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 4

Notes: The last two years they've served pizza and cookies which on paper sounds good but the results have been less than favorable... I think the place is wildly overrated and the pizzas are very pricey... but some people swear by it.. this year we have the same cookies (which kinda suck) and the pizza which is just okay.. the line was really slow, as always... moving along...

Restaurant: Ocean Prime

Menu: Tuna Tartare

Been Here Before?: No

Would I Return? (1-10): 5

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 2

Notes: This place was packed, and we were told to "just go stand somewhere, order some drinks and there is someone walking around with tuna"... not a good first impression.. after 5 uncomfortable minutes we skedaddled out of there... there are some places that are LodoBites "friendly".. this isn't one of them.... they really shouldn't even attempt it next year... (having said that, I'm sure the food is great and the space is cool and I'll dine there eventually..)

Yes, we thought Ocean Prime had the Award for Worst LodoBites Experience sewn up... and yet, our next stop took it to a new level....

Restaurant: Lime

Menu: Margaritas

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 1

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 1

Notes: I have a non LodoBites story about Lime that I'd like to share first... TVGal's ex-Boss knew someone there and had me call him to perhaps help with some special birthday touches for TVGal's Birthday pub crawl... he said no problem, I'll hook you up.. just let them know to contact me when you get here...

Flashforward to her birthday.. we get there, tell the hostess that we are here for a special day and would you please be so kind as to call (can't remember his name now so let's go with Edgar) the manager.. we sat outside, ordered a margarita and Edgar showed up... and sat down at our table...

....and never left our side for 90 minutes....

Easily one of the weirdest restaurant experiences I've ever had.. he dominated the conversation, bored us to tears and was generally a very odd fellow... btw, nothing "special" occurred.. no discount, birthday cake, muffin, snack, mint, lozenge, moist towelette... nothing. (Well, if you call the really bland food special, then fine...)

As we left to go across the street it felt like he was going to join us... seriously... he sort of shadowed us up the sidewalk and there was a moment where we thought he was coming with us (again, none of us had ever met him or knew him before this night)... fortunately someone distracted him with a restaurant question and we quickly made our exit...

Where were we.. oh yeah, LodoBites..

Anyway, every year Lime does a margarita for their LodoBites entry... this year the experience can be summed up in 3 quick bullet points....

1. It was loud in the basement bar where you were supposed to go.. like, "you can't talk to the person next to you" loud... the DJ up in the corner had his little stereo cranked to a setting approaching "Bleeding From Your Ears", and it really kinda sucked.. it's not a club folks, its a restaurant... and it was 8pm on a Tuesday... what the hell?

2. The bartenders who were giving out all the complimentary drinks were also swamped with other customers because Tuesdays is "$1 taco night" at Lime, so the place was packed. The LodoBites folks were basically an afterthought to the barkeeps, and why not as they weren't making a lot on tips certainly... but maybe next time have one person there with some pitchers made up that could keep things moving... it was a crowded mess....

3. The margaritas kinda sucked. Most of our group took two sips and then toddled off to the next location... (on the flip side, I really like their $1 tacos and the lime shooters... but I would avoid the downtown location like the plague from this point forward and stick to the alternate locations...)

Hands down the worst of our 20 locations... moving on...

Restaurant: Bistro Vendome

Menu: Duck, Gazpacho

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 1

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 6

Notes: The reason I rank it so lowly on the "Would I Return" scale is that it just isn't TVGal's cup of tea... It's a lovely space and I'm sure a very good restaurant... but French Food just isn't our bag...

Restaurant: Euclid Hall

Menu: Sausage, Bratwurst, Chicken/Waffles, other apps...

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 10

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 6

Notes: As a caveat, I'm just going to come out and say that Euclid Hall is not only my favorite new restaurant in Denver, it might very well be my favorite restaurant period. But it was really warm in there, they had $1 beer tastes out of a glass the size of a thimble, and it was their first year and they had everyone off to the side in an odd space (rather than the more desirable upstairs area) but none of that mattered once the waves of apps came out....

I don't need to drag this out other than to say that is some of the finest food being served anywhere by anyone... bravo. My wife despises fish and yet had four Fish n Chip bites (eight million better tasting that it sounds) on our last visit and the best thing I've eaten this year was their Cauliflower Salad. (Believe me, I know.. weird, right?)

Restaurant: The Wine Loft

Menu: Mushroom Bruschetta, other apps

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 10

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 8

Notes: Quiet location, great space, table filled with apps... always fast, good and fun. (As an aside, best sangria I've ever had in my life is here.. it has bananas in it for god's sake.... bananas!)

Restaurant: Dixons Downtown Grill

Menu: Aztec Chicken

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 2

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 5

Notes: Dixon's frankly has sucked hard the previous two years.. so went in with a little fear... actually the food wasn't bad... I really don't have anything else to say here...

Restaurant: Backcountry Provisions

Menu: 5 different sandwiches, beer

Been Here Before?: No

Would I Return? (1-10): 10

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 10

Notes: By now we are ahead of schedule and our swelling bellies can be seen from space.... so as we went into Backcountry for the first time (with that name we had no idea what to expect.. jerky? Trail Mix?) we were floored by the giant table of sandwiches set in front of us.. of course, we were so full that we barely could look at them, but they seemed delicious anyway... I'd def. go back to try one... also, the manager was beyond friendly, and very gracious with his pitcher of blueberry beer. Yes, blueberry.

Look, I know that liking fruity beer is somehow admitting you are little less of a man... you know what? So be it... I could have drank a gallon of that beer... I love Apricot Beer, Beer with Lemon or Orange Slices in it, hell, I've even enjoyed a strawberry offering... and I don't care. Sue me. Viva la Fruit beer!

Anyway...

Restaurant: Big Game

Menu: Cocktails, Sliders, Sushi (ran out of)

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 9

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 7

Notes: Big Game (the game refers to giant televisions with sports on them, not the heads of antelope affixed to the wall) was a superstar last year... this year they were running a little low on food due to it being later in the evening but I won't hold it against them.. still seems like an excellent place to eat and drink and watch a game.... we'll just have to get there earlier next year...

Restaurant: McCormick's Fish House

Menu: Martini

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 7

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 7

Notes: Like Dixon's, McCormick's had frankly sucked the previous two years... crappy fried appetizers and other thoughtless offerings.... which sucks, because McCormick's has a great Happy Hour and a pretty good rep amongst my friends.. this year thankfully they diverted everyone to the attached Cruise Room Martini Bar for an adult beverage and left the food behind... good idea folks...

At the bar we took an informal poll and the winners seemed to be Euclid Hall and Wine Loft.. the losers were clearly Ocean Prime and Lime... but we were all stuffed to the gills, happy, and pleased... all of us vowed not to eat again until late Autumn, and we began departing for the night...

Which makes what happened next sort of insane...

JustinMac and Justin'sGirl went to another restaurant (Linger) and ordered a drink... and ceviche.

Yes, more food. Because why go to 20 restaurants when you can visit 21?

See ya next year LodoBites...

_____________________
Rachel: You are having a party tonight?
Joey: I am kind of having a thing for the Days of Our Lives people.
Rachel: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do it every year?
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!
Rachel: That's why you got us tickets to that play! To get rid of us!
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And last year, is that why you sent us to that Medieval times restaurant?
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And the year before that, when you set up that nightime tour of that button factory!
Joey: I can't believe you guys went for that one!

--"Friends" (NBC)

Lodo Bites (kind of): Part 1 of 2

2011-06-22T18:14:00.003-06:00

Neon sign at the Restaurant "Fuel", shot during Doors Open Denver last Spring....

__________

11 intrepid explorers... a 4 hour dining tour of downtown (LoDo) Denver... since the rest of you couldn't make it, let's break it down as the evening unfolded shall we?

Date: June 21, 2011
Event: LodoBites
Location: Downtown Denver
The Participants: TVGuy, TVGal, BeardedJeff, PregnantRobyn, WithBabySusan, EverybodyLovesRobert, WeaponsBob, TheFetchingGretchen, MarMan, JustinMac, Justin'sGirl

20 restaurants in four hours with a large group... can we do it? Let's find out.. first stop...

Restaurant #1: My Favorite Muffin
Menu: Bagel Sandwiches, tiny cakes and... of course.. Muffins.
Been Here Before?: No.
Would I Return? (1-10): 7
Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 6
Notes: Our first stop of the night... we met here because of its proximity to Union Station/Light Rail. WeaponsBob and TheFetchingGretchen met us at stop 2 because.. well, there wasn't beer at stop one and they were having a pre-party of sorts... I'd had this chain's muffins before and thought it was a little out of place for LodoBites... TVGal did not though... actual conversation as we walked to Light Rail...

TVGuy: Our first stop is kinda weird though right? Although their muffins are pretty good...
TVGal: (immediately) Oh, they're my Favorite Muffin!
TVGuy: (pause) Um...okay, you win...well done.

The quartered bagel sandwiches were just fine and the muffins were... well, pretty damn tasty... but a weird starting point and we didn't linger...

(I suppose I should explain this to the uninitiated... you buy a very inexpensive ticket and then walk around Denver and have appetizers/beverages at up to 20 different restaurants... it's our favorite summer activity for sure and always fun even if some of the restaurants treat the evening like gum on their shoe... good conversation, great weather, and always some surprises.. let's continue...)

Restaurant #2: Wynkoop Brewery

Menu: Craft Beers / Dessert

Been Here Before?: Yes.

Would I Return? (1-10): 9

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 9

Notes: The best eateries cordon off an area so you don't bother the regular diners, and make everything run smoother... Wynkoop gets huge marks here by having an entire private room for the participants... you had a choice of light or dark craft beer and two desserts... mini strawberry shortcakes (assembled for you personally) or a Black & Tan Brownie. I cannot resist brownies at any time and wish they were on every restaurant dessert menu instead of Pistachio-glazed-encrusted-salted-gelato-cream-pie SprinkledWithCinnamonAndEssenceOfElderberries. Anyway, this brownie was absolutely freakin' delicious... and I just checked and it's on their regular dessert menu (with ice cream!) and if you don't like it I'll eat the rest and pay for it.... I had dreams about that brownie last night.. seriously...

We're off to a good start but the crowd wants something savory.. our next stop should hit the spot...

Restaurant #3: Keg Steakhouse

Menu: Orange Slice Martini, Steak Bites, Key Lime Pie, Shrimp Cocktail

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 9

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 9

Notes: Our 3rd year here... TVGal was praying that the Orange Slice Martini would make a return appearance, and it did not disappoint... the Steak Bites were scrumptious and they put you in a back of the restaurant area that kept you from the other patrons... the only downside.. you had to choose 1 of 3 appetizers... always a bummer with food this good... (although EverybodyLovesRobert (Jeff's brother) had all three apps and didn't apologize for a second.. well done...)

Restaurant #4: Fado Irish Pub

Menu: Beer

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 5

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 3

Notes: Booo... no food... just a 7 ounce beer... always kinda disappointing... no need to dwell...

Restaurant #5: Tavern Downtown

Menu: Various Sliders, Mac n Cheese, Fruity Frozen Slurpee Alcoholic Shot Thingees....

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 10 (summer) 8 (winter)

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 10

Notes: All other restaurants, take note.. this is how it's done... rooftop deck (maybe the best in Denver, other than the TVGuy Mansion's Deck), private area for LodoBites, Misters cooling down everyone, 3 different sandwiches, Mac n Cheese, Pizza (surprisingly good Margherita slices), some sort of frozen berry/orange/lime shot things that were crazy yummy... and giving away coozies, water bottles and other things... I implore you LodoBitesOrganizers.... these people should be in the Lodo Bites Hall Of Fame and forced to participate every year...

Restaurant #6: Vesta Dipping Grill

Menu: Seafood Ceviche Shots

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 7

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 5

Note: Great place, good food when you dine here.. but they've done the seafood shot two years in a row and for people like TVGal (hates fish) a waste of time... we didn't dwell here... (although points for WeaponsBob and his FromTheBar WhiteSangria that was really really good)

I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of a sangria groupie... anyway...

Restaurant #7: Celtic Tavern

Menu: Potato Skins, Bread Pudding, Small Sandwich

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 7

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 8

Notes: Individual plates that were served briskly by attentive staff... nice pub that we need to frequent on a non LodoBites night... they get that you are not in a leisurely mood to sit and hang out.. it's LodoBites people.. we've got a schedule to keep!

Restaurant #8: H Burger

Menu: Sliders, Fried Jalapeno Slices

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 10. (translated to English, hell yeah..)

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 8

Notes: A table was set up but in a high traffic area.. the restaurant doesn't really have a place to put a LodoBites crowd... but no matter... TVGal and I think that this place does the best burgers in town (hell, maybe ever) and their slider tonight was so yummy my toes curled... and the fried jalapeno slices.. wow, my tounge is still on fire (pleasantly so)... we love this place wholeheartedly.. if you've never been, get the Liquid Nitrogen Milkshakes and thank us in the morning... Viva La H Burger! Wait, where was I...

Restaurant #9: ChoLon Bistro

Menu: Wine OR appetizers

Been Here Before?: No

Would I Return? (1-10): 6 (Cool architecture inside...)

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 5

Notes: They jammed you into the bar area, and gave you a choice of wine or apps... since there was no food available we went with wine... then JustinMac informs the group that one of the best things he's ever eaten were the dumplings... we never saw those, but the potstickers that came out looked just killer... BeardedJeff gave them a 9.5 out of 10... regretting the wine over food decision, we move forward....

Restaurant #10: Rio Grande

Menu: One Shrimp, Chips & Salsa

Been Here Before?: Yes

Would I Return? (1-10): 7

Restaurant's Effort During Event (1-10): 3

Notes: I like Rio Grande (a chain restaurant) admittedly more than most because while they are known for their very potent margaritas (slightly overrrated in my opinion) I think their green chile is one of tastiest things I've ever put in my mouth... I could eat their shrimp enchiladas once a week for the rest of my life if that chili was served on the side...

Anyway, they did get points for having everyone go upstairs away from the other diners.. but then you were given a single shrimp (admittedly not bad) and then pestered (by every waiter who has ever worked there seemingly) to order drinks.. they are just rounding you up and trying to get you to buy their 3 dollar "mini" margarita... it kinda sucked and it was loud and crowded and we got out of there quickly...

Tomorrow... Restaurants 11-20...

___________________
Marshall: Just a Burger? Robin, it's so much more than "just a burger." I mean... that first bite - oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a... a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us in food...
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)

Bits and Kibbles...

2011-05-22T19:39:00.001-06:00

Daniels & Fisher Clocktower Clockface... so, it's a giant clock... I hope I'm being clear here...

_______________

Was Crew Chief for a Balloon company this weekend... 2 of 3 days the weather caused cancellations... but Saturday we had nearly 30 balloons up... hopefully this summer our success rate is a little better... and now, a picture of two balloons.. because shockingly I took my camera with me... yes, I know.. staggering...

Flying in South Park Colorado in June and going to Albuquerque for their massive balloon festival in October so this won't be the last balloon photo seen here for certain in 2012....

_____________

TVGal and I are just about ready to pull the trigger on TVCat2 tomorrow... as our selected feline gets older he is bearing a strange similarity to our first cat... he is smaller though... but his markings are pretty close... let's see if I can provide a pic...

tomorrow is our first "Out Of Cage" experience with him.. he had been a touch ill last week so we weren't able to fully play with him... but if all goes well he'll be here tomorrow afternoon... it will be nice having a TVCat in the new TVGal Mansion... now I have to find all those cat toys I packed months ago.. argh....

_______________

As for Week 2 of my diet/fitness regime/whatever, I knew there were too many pitfalls built into the week to yield a positive result... let's do the math and see the week's average and get it over with...

Starting weight 208.2
Week 1 Avg: 207.92
Week 2 Avg: 209.0

Damn. At least my workouts have had increases both weight and cardio-wise every single time last week... I'm predicting better things for Week 3....

______________

Speaking of pitfalls, we had a big one today at "Big Eat Denver".. an event at Union Station where 15 restaurants had little samples of their food for one low overall price... TVGal and I had tickets for weeks, so we had to go... I did extra cardio this morning in preparation for it, but as it turns out it may not have been necessary... I didn't overstuff myself, but it's safe to say neither of us are eating dinner tonight... our restaurant lineup is as such...

Restaurants include 1515, Avenue Grill, Black Pearl, duo, El Camino, Encore, Euclid Hall, Green Russell, H burger, Hideaway Steakhouse, Happy Cakes, Jonesy’s, The Lobby, Lou’s Food Bar, Marco’s Coal Fired Pizza, Olivéa, Rialto, Root Down, Snooze, Steubens, Steve’s Snappin Dogs , Vesta and Wednesday’s Pie.

that's a murderer's row for us... El Camino, Euclid Hall, H Burger, Marco's and Root Down represent 5 of our favorite 7 restaurants in Denver... but we did pretty well I think...

Our winners today... in first place, Happy Cakes just dominated... I saw TVGal's eyes roll in her sockets as she consumed the Caramel Chocolate mini-Cupcake... I tried it later and it was fucking scrumptious... as was their snickerdoodle cupcake and Carrot Cake Cupcake... with just a tiny amount of frosting.. what is it with modern bakers and their 4 inch high columns of frosting?? Ick. Anyway, the runaway winner...

Honorable Mentions include Marco's Chicken Wings, which we've had multiple times before and love every single time we consume them...

Vesta Dipping Grill had a killer Sausage slice over a very tasty Grape Jelly Vinagrette Thingie... and El Camino generally makes a ridiculously tasty taco... today was no different.... Oh, and Steuben's Green Tomato/bacon slider kicked ass too... as well as 1515's "fused" fruits... I'd try to explain, but I'd fail... just trust me.. Pear and Watermelon slammed together on the molecular level is a wonderful thing...

As for "losers"... I can't remember the restaurant but they had mayo on a small piece of corn on the cob... which makes no sense.. seriously, you're going to try to improve on butter on corn? Give me a break...

Overall though most of the food was great... maybe too many "sliders" but that seems to be the hip thing right now... for 20 bucks, a great afternoon.... we now eagerly await "LodoBites"... a similar arrangement except you walk around downtown Denver and sample bites from 20 restaurants over a 4 hour period... one of our absolute favorite days in our Mile High City... we have a group of 8 already prepared to help us assault our trendy downtown restaurants in June...

___________

There was an AP story this week about a pilot alone on a Boeing 747 doing tests on the braking systems.... I could go on, but what I really want to point out was his name....

Capt. Vining.

Capt. Kirk Vining.

CAPTAIN KIRK....

How many jokes has this guy been through? 10,000???

Parents, if you name your son Kirk then he is going into aviation or the military... and your daughter "Cinnamon" is going to be a pole dancer.... that's just how it works... you have no one to blame but yourself...

Until later...

__________________
Spock: Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling. No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is still a certain ...exhilaration in the risk.
Kirk: Very good, Spock. We may make a human of you yet.
Spock: I hope not.
--"Star Trek" (NBC)

Week 1 of 12

2011-05-11T19:03:00.000-06:00

Cosmopolitan Hotel, Las Vegas

_____________

So, week 1 of my 12 week exercise/fitness regimen didn't go as well as I'd hoped... my motivation wasn't where it needs to be.. but today on day 8 I had a good healthy breakfast and a very good weights workout... let's do the math and put week 1 to bed (ah, to be 10 years younger.. I lost 29 pounds in 3 months then... I'd be happy to just shed 8 this time around...)

Starting weight 208.2
Week 1 Avg: 207.92

Okay, so in the right direction.. TVGal and I have agreed to two free meals for the week.. our enthusiasm for Monday's meal may have helped to sabotage me more than I'd like... which brings us to this week's "Stuff I like"...

Stuff I Like: Pasquini's Happy Hour - Highlands.

Look, I know people use superlatives a lot on the internet... but I'm pretty sure I can trot out the "Best Ever" moniker on this one... hear me out.. Pasquini's makes a damn fine pizza (great bread - still not my favorite in Denver... Marco's wins that battle, but still) and it's a nice space with those big garage door windows they can open on nice days and just enjoy Colorado's delightful weather while consuming a tasty adult beverage...

But why is it the "Best Ever Happy Hour" you ask? Fine, here's why... from 5:00-5:30pm Mon-Fri their slices of 'za are a dime. Yep, 10 cents.

What's that? You aren't a fan of pizza? Fine, their meatball sliders are also 10 cents.

One. Single. Dime.

And PBRs are 50 cents... and there are other specials as well including really good apps for 3 bucks...

But you could conceivably have 2 slices of pizza, 2 meatball sliders and 2 beers for $1.40.

Sorry, but that's the best deal I've ever seen... and we'll be there next Monday to partake once again....

Oh, at 5:30p the price "goes up" to 50 cents...

______________

Saw "Thor" with TV's Matt the other day.... and I'm not going to lie... I thought it was pretty damn enjoyable.. TVGal and I made a resolution to see more films in theaters this year... my total sits at "1"...

Rotten Tomatoes: 79 (out of 100)
Metacritic: 59
TVGuy: 75

______________

I sold some photos to a midwest ad agency a few weeks ago for a very nice sum of cash... so I'm going to finally get an actual website for my photos from my proceeds shortly.. and I also needed a laptop or something like that for my "First Fridays" in the gallery I show at for people to pay using Paypal or the like (the gallery doesn't take Credit Cards)

So with the proceeds I bit the bullet, scoured Ebay and found a 1st Gen iPad for a ridiculously cheap price... didn't know what to think given all the conflicting info out there from the Pro and Con camps.. and yet I knew that Apple couldn't make them fast enough to sell them... and that Craigs List has basically become an iPad Fraud Scam site.. (Don't Buy Electronics On Craigs List Ever)

It came about 6 days ago and now that I've got it configured with the Apps I want and got my mail coming to it, photos on it etc..... I have to say...

It's. Fucking. Great.

The Instapaper App alone is worth the price of admission. It has, in one week, changed how I consume information on the internet.

If Steve Jobs was here right now I'd kiss him on the cheek... and then prepare for the impending lawsuits.. but still..

Well done Apple....

______________________
House: You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?
Samantha: Lying?
House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?
Samantha: My husband?
House: Yeah, see, if you're going to repeat everything I say, this conversation's going to take twice as long.
--“House” (FOX)

Fit as a fiddle...

2011-05-04T19:35:00.003-06:00

Hanger 61 Ceiling light fixtures and other things....

______________

So I'm going to use this blog to motivate me for the next 12 weeks... ever since 2003 I've taken 84 days out of a year and done a pretty serious diet/exercise routine... Sure, I could do it year round... but I don't have that kind of discipline.. these 84 days are a nice "reset" for me... and each year I start at a lower spot thanks to the 3 months of working out religiously....

When I first did it 8 years ago I was starting at 224 pounds... My starting weight this go-around is 208... so I don't need to lose as much weight, but hopefully get a little muscle on my frame (which has always been hard.. I'm 6'5" and skinny everywhere but my belly... damn beer...).

So I'm shooting for 198 lbs and a reduction in body fat to under 20 percent... I'll do a weekly update as I average the weight loss each week... by putting the results on here I'm holding myself accountable... not that anybody reads this thing with any regularity :) But at least there will be a lot more updates here with stuff other than the exercise regimen as well.. in fact, let's start with "What TVGuy likes this week..."

____________

I've been berated by people I don't know who stumble across this collection of musings for being "too negative" and "very angry"... I just think being pissed off about something is easier minings for humor, but I see their point... so I'm going to try to throw some stuff out there that I like each week that I've come across both on the Internet and in Denver....

Stuff I Like: Website - Evernote.

As I get older, I want stuff on the web that actually makes my life better.. more organized, etc... and Evernote rocks in every way. You can put it on your phone too... and it all syncs wirelessly and it's Free. If you forget passwords to websites, or want to clip website articles into one place, or take pictures that you can then search text even if its in the picture!!, Evernote is for you... I use it almost daily.... and can't imagine my internet life without it... Simply, it kicks complete and total ass.

Stuff I like: Restaurant - Highland Tavern

When I go to Chicago occasionally (I'll be there this August) the thing I love the most about the local watering holes is the Garage Door Fronts, where they can roll up giant pieces of glass and let the beautiful summer just leak in to the space... more and more places are doing this, and Denver is no exception... and Highland Tavern has two giant door openings that just make Sunday Afternoons waaayy better... that alone would be enough to recommend the space, but something else elevates the restaurant/bar to a place that mere mortals fear to tread... and that is three words...

Homemade. Tater. Tots.

When TVGal and I saw them on the menu months ago and the associated 7 dollar price tag we thought Thanks, but no thanks... But after our waitress assured us they were worth it we ordered a batch.... and sweet Jesus were we happy with that decision. They are potatoes on steroids... criminally delicious and savory and fun and everything that is great about local eateries doing fun takes on things you would never ever consider modifying...

I'd say they are the best potatoes that exist on Earth, but Jason Sheehan's restaurant review of Blueacre Seafood in Seattle unearthed the Greatest Potato Dish Ever Created... the Potatoes Minneapolis... wow... I'm there.. would someone fly me to Seattle please??

See ya in a few....

__________________
Barney: It's a thanks-tini, cranberry juice, potato vodka, and... a boullion cube....
--"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)

Princess Diaries...

2011-04-29T04:29:00.017-06:00

Denver Skyline and City Park....

__________________

I just want to say at the outset... TVGal and I got married on a Friday.... it was our idea first...

Wow, it's early. Late minute negotiations got me two extra hours of sleep in exchange for cooking breakfast... actually, since I do all the cooking anyway I think I was pretty shrewd there.. but it's still really damn early.... let's get this running diary started before I fall asleep....

Event: The Royal Wedding
Place: The New TVGuy Mansion (and England I suppose)
Date: April 29, 2011
Menu: Frittata, Hash Browns, Cinnamon Rolls

4:01pm - TVGal has decided to tape the BBC version of events and not Good Morning America or the Today Show or whatever the hell CBS calls their morning program... do they even still do one?

4:02 - We're 2 hours behind so the wedding is actually going on... it's possible TVGal could be looking forward to this more, but only if Matthew McConaghey was serving her tea in his underwear...

4:06 - William's hairline... wow.. poor fella... I think I have more hair on my knuckles than he's got up top...

4:10 - the Middleton family was certainly blessed in the DNA department...damn attractive family....

4:15 - The single greatest sentence I could have possibly heard uttered from TVGal just now.. "You know, it's five hours long.. why don't we skip ahead?"

4:18 - Victoria Beckham is wearing the weirdest hat in the long sad history of women's headwear.... if she had hollowed out a pumpkin and placed her head in it I'd be less stunned.

4:19 - My glee at TVGal's earlier comment is now tempered by David Beckham's appearance on our television and the subsequent heavy sigh she just uttered... there may be drool as well but I can't tell because the sun isn't up yet....

4:31 - Wow, apparently it's not just Ms. Beckham... the word "England" apparently translates roughly into "Land of Abhorrent Head Coverings"... yikes! Some of these people apparently don't own mirrors in their homes...

4:35 - The wedding party begins the drive to the church.... TVGal just clapped. I'm not making that up before you ask btw...

4:41 - Our beloved TVCat passed away some weeks ago... I'm kinda sad that he isn't here to, as always, completely be indifferent to whatever was on TV at all times... It would be nice to have some support in the "Why Am I Up So Damn Early On A Friday" camp.... the search for the new TVCat has quietly begun... don't think I can take your mind off of the wedding for a second? Meet Chili...

4:45 - The Prince of Orange just arrived. I couldn't have enjoyed typing that sentence more... Apparently there is a Principality of Orange... southern France as it turns out... oh wait, the Earl of Raspberry just arrived... and the Duke of Pear! Okay, now I'm making things up...

4:53 - Kinda glad the groomsmen at my wedding weren't carrying swords... nothing says romance so much as weapons, no?

5:00 - Princess Alexandra is being escorted into the church by the Gorton's Fisherman... who wants fish & chips? Anyone?

5:03 - Coffee decision time... Strawberry Shortcake or Toasted Almond? TVGal is letting me decide.. hmm...

5:05 - Is anybody in England other than the press working today? Anybody?

5:07 - Strawberry Shortcake it is... thanks Dunkin Donuts! (A friend on Facebook yesterday said she had "Wedding Donuts"... not entirely sure what that is, but it sounds good, right?)

5:09 - Prince Charles just wiped his nose and then began shaking hands.... ick. Purel, anyone?

5:11 - An Emergency Broadcasting Test Signal just went across our screens.. we couldn't have done that at Midnight fellas? Really??

5:14 - Wait, by watching this wedding are we now obligated to get them a gift? Crap... where are they registered?

5:20 - I don't want to say our new coffeemaker is loud, but if you set it down by a raging river all you'd hear would be a brew cycle. Seriously Krups, what is going on in there? It's just water passing through a filter... it isn't generating electricity.. you know.. er.. hydroelectrically! (I hope that's a word...checking... and no, I've made it up apparently... wait, that can be my wedding present.. a new word! In related news, I've never been sleepier in my entire life...)

5:23 - Damn fine coffee.

5:30 - Hey, it's the sunrise! First one I've seen at the new TVGuy Mansion... I'd take a picture and share it with you all, but since you are all asleep and I'm massively jealous of that fact you'll just have to take my word for it that the sun, is in fact, up.

5:39 - The wedding dress meets with TVGal's approval... I can't stand full veils, but hey, it's their wedding... in related news, who knew Kate's sister was.. well, really hot? Killer dress...

5:45 - The Brits certainly know how to throw a wedding... that church is just great... and the children's choir, trumpets, flowergirls... TVGal is actually radiating glee...

5:51 - The Royal Family wouldn't mind if I baked some cinnamon rolls during the vows, would they? Not sure if I'm breaking some sort of protocol here, but I invited Pillsbury to this party and dammit, rolls there will be...

5:55 - Just got through the "If Anyone Has Anything They'd Like To Say To Stop The Wedding, Now's The Time" Moment... what if she had just lost it there, and ran screaming from the church... would the country ever recover? The wedding in my head is going a bit differently I'll admit...

5:57 - I just realized I'd never heard either of these crazy kids speak before... their voices are very.. normal. I was hoping for something more...

5:59 - I'm sure there have been 4,912 people working on every little detail of this wedding for months now... but in the future let's not forget the minister's eyebrow trimming shall we? Wow...

6:17 - Actual conversation moments ago.

TVGal: (during Kate's brother beginning a reading) Wow, he's not attractive.
TVGuy: What are you talking about, he looks like a normal British man.
TVGal: And bad teeth to boot!
TVGuy: Again, with the British.
TVGal: Fergie's kids are so plump!
TVGuy: If I jumped from our rooftop deck right now you wouldn't call an ambulance until you finished watching this, right?

6:19 - I don't want to say the DVR has changed our tv habits forever, but TVGal is actually fast-forwarding during the ceremony!! (Wait, why am I complaining about this?)

6:30 - There should be more foods with cinnamon in them... I'd like to make that a formal request if you please....

6:35 - Is it wrong to say we are enjoying the procession back to the palace more than the actual wedding? (but not as much as the cinnamon rolls)

6:55 - Frittata prep well underway... Ham, red bell pepper, mushroom, fresh parsley and parmesan cheese...

7:10 - The frittata was a runaway success... we've switched over to the American coverage, and during the ceremony Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters chattered on and on over the ceremony.. know when to shut the hell up ladies... glad we went with the BBC...

7:12 - TVGal has taken the day off today, but I'm not so lucky... time to toddle off... and if you're just waking up now I'd just like to say... I hate you right now.

Cheerio!

_______________________
Charles: My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep...
--"Four Weddings and a Funeral" (1994)

Revenge of the Planet of the Bikes

2011-04-27T17:37:00.003-06:00

Ellie Caulkins Opera House

___________

Wow, touched a nerve with the last blog entry (now deleted.. god people have such fucking thin skins.. stay off the internet if you are worried about someone.. you know, disagreeing with you)

I posted a few paragraphs about bicyclists basically saying two things...

1. Skinny roads with parking on both sides are no place for bicyclists, and a large group of them don't obey basic traffic laws...
2. I think they look ridiculous in spandex with 817 corporate logos all over them.

After my 20th email today basically telling me to swallow concrete, floss with barbed wire, feed my tounge through a self-threading projector etc... I've decided to take the highlights from the various emailers (bicyclists) and defend myself. This won't take long... I hope.

BikeGuy: Roads were paved originally for bicyclists, not cars.
TVGuy: Yes, and the Constitution originally valued Negros at 3/5ths of a person... Stuff changes. Cars used to be 200 pounds and went 8 miles an hour (downhill). Now there are 3.5 ton Hummers running around being driven by teenagers who are texting... My question is.. why do you even want to share the road with cars?? Are you crazy??

BikeGuy: Just as many drivers go through stop signs, red lights, etc..
TVGuy: That's just not true and you know it. One day I sat at the bottom of a hill and watched a very busy bike day commence... in 5 minutes over 20... yes, twenty bicyclists didn't even brake, slow down or anything as they blew through the stop sign at warp drive. I challenge anyone to find 20 cars a week that go through stop signs at 25 mph. I can do this because you can't. If that were true, it would be the Wild West... no one would drive. (Which wouldn't be a horrible thing... you know I own a bike and have for the better part of four decades and enjoy riding it a great deal... right?) Simply put, the percentage of bicyclists who disregard red lights and stop signs hovers around 35 percent by my limited count. That is just horrible and you all know it. For those of you who obey street laws, graci! Your bike clubs, groups, etc... of course you are courteous.. but you know damn well which bicyclists suck and which ones don't... Talk to your fellow cyclists, won't you? Because the police sure won't....

BikeGuy: We're saving the planet.... no fossil fuels.
TVGuy: Well, you aren't saving the Earth, but you are slowing down its death... if people don't stop having babies in multiples soon it isn't going to matter how green your office or home is.... but that's an issue for another day... but again, well done on not using gas... if I lived 5 minutes from work I'd bike over several times a week myself...

BikeGuy: Roads are for all vehicles.
TVGuy: By law, most are.. yes. But in 2011, our city streets just aren't built for bikes and you know it.. how many bikes a year are almost clipped by opening doors from parked cars on both side of a street... no bike lane in sight... some streets are just safer than others...

BikeGuy: We deserve to go to Mt. Evans just like you do...
TVGuy: If you are going 1mph and you aren't single file, no you don't. I don't drive on bike paths. Why does every road have to be fine for both bikes and cars? That road is barely wide enough for a Yugo...

BikeGuy: Wow, you must be some big hotshot fashion geek to rip on our clothing... what gives you the right?
TVGuy: I'm sorry, the fact that I think you look ridiculous and make NASCAR drivers seem dull in comparison is my opinion. You don't expect me to substitute your judgment for mine, do you? Just because I think you look like a cartoon character doesn't make it so... this is a personal blog. I don't get Lady Gaga either, hasn't slowed down the 75 gazillion dollars she's pocketed the last few years... why does everyone have to agree? There are 10 billion people on this planet... you think they all think chocolate is better than vanilla?

And ultimately, about 34 people read this blog a day.... caring what I have to say about bicyclists is really just a waste of your time... It's my personal blog. My viewpoints. If you don't like them, there are 10 million other websites for you to peruse... but I still think many bicyclists (again, not ALL) look silly and don't pay attention to traffic lights or stop signs.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going for a bike ride. (my t-shirt will be logo-free, thanks for asking...)

_____________________
Darnell: That's a cool moped, Randy. It's like a motorcycle had sex with a bicycle..
--"My Name is Earl" (NBC)

Animal House

2011-03-14T13:39:00.004-06:00

If you think about it, having a cat or a dog roam freely around your house is kinda insane... if there was a squirrel or a woodchuck in your kitchen you'd scream and grab a broom. If there was a wolf or a tiger in your bathroom you'd call 911.

But if Spot or Frisky or Mr. Peebles was at the foot of your bed or at the door when you got home you'd be thrilled... what's the difference? It's gotta be the fact that cats and dogs are cute, right? Otherwise, your house would be pretty much animal free..

As a child our family had many pets... there were always cats and dogs and birds and turtles and rabbits around... when one passed away we'd just go get another one... and then as an adult I selfishly didn't think I had the time or the patience or the whatever to be a pet owner... but figured one day when I had a house I'd go back to it... but months turned to years.... years to decades... and as I was nearing 40 I thought I'd probably not get a house (or a wife), so why not a cat or a dog to keep me company... but I never got around to going to a shelter or Dumb Friends League (a name I've always hated) or the Humane Society...

Then TVGal emailed me for the first time and just like that I had a cat (by proxy) again... her cat was inexplicably named Yellow Kitty because it was.. you know.. yellow. (Tan actually, but why quibble?) I added the name "TVCat" over the years but it didn't stick like Yellow Kitty... but that's okay... he was really just Kitty most of the time....

Kitty wasn't super affectionate, but he'd pick his spots... My friend Matt has two cats.. one of them is as friendly as a stripper, the other spends 363 days a year under a bed... our cat fell in between somewhere... but I liked him all the more for it.. I didn't worry about going to work and leaving him alone.. I always thought it suited him just fine...

He liked to play the aloof card a lot, but I surmised it was an act... ironically it was a big heart that took him from us..

Kitty passed away today at 1:22pm...

The last couple of days have sucked.. and the last few hours ten times so... and as I sniffle and type I realize that as crappy as TVGal and I feel right now, it's a small price to pay for what you get in return...

For what you get in return, it's a steal....

Rest in peace little guy...

__________________________
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
--Anonymous

Live at the Oscars!

2011-02-27T10:34:00.018-07:00

Rainbow over Denver shot from Elitch Gardens

____________________

We're Live at the Oscars! And by that, I mean we are watching the Oscars... live. Besides, who wants the headache of all that traffic when you can watch them from the Blosser Theater in South Denver!?

We'll be updating this entry as the evening wears on... let it begin!!!!!!

Date: Feb 27, 2011
Place: Blosser Theater
Event: 83rd Annual Academy Awards

6:20pm - We've eaten 42 metric tons of food and bordering on food comaland... and welcome once again to our live blog... by the way, we've Googled Dana Delany the actress and you'll be surprised to know she is 55 years old... (my longest standing celebrity crush.. that's why I bring it up..)

Anyway... our contestants this year are....

Our rogues gallery of entrants in no particular order...

SamR
SannieM
ScottS
ChadS
KevinC
RonD
AmyF
TuckerG
Todd
HeatherC
TVGuy
GaryS
LaurenD
AdamW
TroyB
PaulF
ErinC
MattM
BillH
JustinM
ScottM
AngelinaR
JeremyH
WayneC
ScottK
Annie
Hilary
TVGal
BartB
JulieS
RickD
TedV

Show is about to begin... a fresh glass of Argentian wine over ice and lime (trust me) is needed.. back in a bit..

6:38p - Great opening sequence... just great... Wasn't sure about Hathaway and Franco as hosts, but the idea is growing on me...

6:45 - Art Direction - Alice in Wonderland.. a terrible start, 0-1..

6:47 - Cinematography - Inception.... wow, 0-2.. so much for competing this year.. btw, there will be 3 prizes which will be announced tomorrow on this blog...

6:55 - Best Supporting Actress - Melissa Leo.. finally, 1-2.

7:03 - Short animated film - The Lost Thing.. One person got it right. One. Wow... I'm 1-3 and only one out of first...

7:05 - Animated film - Toy Story 3... first no brainer of the night.. 2-3.

7:13 - Adapted Screenplay - Aaron Sorkin.. duh. 3-3.

7:15 - Original Screenplay - King's Speech... I move over .500 at 4-3

7:30 - Foreign Film - In a better world... 5-3.

7:32 - Best Supporting Actor - Christian Bale... no brainer, 6-3... time for a scoreboard update, brought to you by Geico...

Wins / Name
7 TVGal
7 Crisler
7 Sarra (J)
6 TVGuy
6 Todd
6 Troy
6 Paul
6 Erin
6 Matt
6 Bill
6 Scott
6 Blum

8:00 - Costume Design... damn, read too much into the King's Speech sweep... oh well.. there will def. be people beating me and getting prizes this year.. let's do an update.. brought to you by Totino's Pizza Rolls

11 TVGal
11 Crisler
11 Scott M
10 Todd
10 DeLong
10 Troy
10 Matt
10 J Sarra
10 Ted
9 TVGuy and many others...

8:28 - let's update our scoreboard... I don't have much to say about the broadcast... but I just ate a wonderful King Soopers soft banana chocolate chip cookie that I think I could smuggle the remaining dozen in my coat and take them home with me.. hopefully nobody at this oscar party is reading this blog...

12 Todd, Heather, Scott, JSarra
11 TVGuy, TVGal, Lauren, Troy, Matt, Bill, Ted

I realize now I'm screwed if Fincher wins for Best Director (which he will)... damn.

time for another cookie....

8:46 - Best Song.... We Belong Together... update in a moment

8:50p - Your update, brought to you by Hyundai... hard to spell, harder to drive.. Hyundai!

15 Scott
14 TVGuy, Todd, Crisler, Matt, Bill
13 TVGal and many others

9:07 - A HUGE win for TVGuy with Best Director... your update, brought to you by KitKat...

15 TVGuy, Scott
14 Heather, Todd, TVGal, Ted, Matt, Bill

Your final score, hosted by York Peppermint Patties...

18 TVGuy, Scott

17 TVGal, Todd, Matt, Bill, Sarra (J)

16 Mason, Heather, Lauren, Troy, Ted

15 Ron

14 Erin

13 Bart

12 Tucker, Hilary

11 Fay, Adam, Sarra (S), Paul, Justin, Scott

10 Kevin, Annie, Rick

9 Gary, Angelina, Jeremy, Wayne

8 Randel

7 Chad

So I am saved from sending out prizes... after missing the first two I thought I was done for, but a strong finish lifts TVGuy up to where he belongs... a tremendous ballot for TVGal, who spent all of 45 seconds filling it out.. had she done a little homework I think the prize would have been hers.. well done dear...

...until the Emmys, take care and good night..

___________________
Steve Martin: Please, hold your applause until it's for me...
--"2001 Academy Awards" (ABC)

2011 Beat TVGuy Oscar Contest Pool Ballot Thing

2011-02-22T10:06:00.004-07:00

Blue PVC Pipes in North Denver...

______________

Yes, it's once again time for our FREE 2011 Beat TVGuy Oscar Pool Contest-vaganza...

The rules are these...

1. Email me your copy of the below categories by Saturday Feb 26 2011.. let's say 3pm MST shall we? Send them to denvertvguy AT gmail DOT com...
2. To win 1 of 3 fabulous prizes (I mentioned the FREE part, right?) you must finish in the top 3 AND defeat my total as well. I'll post my selections Sunday morning.

So, 2 rules. Life's pretty complicated. This isn't.

I guess if there were to be a third rule it would be To enter, I have to know you, or you have to be a friend/family member of someone I know.

So 3 rules. So enter already.

Good luck!

2011 Beat TVGuy Oscar Ballot Contest Form

________________________________

BEST PICTURE

"127 Hours"
"Black Swan"
"The Fighter"
"The King's Speech"
"The Social Network"
"Inception"
"The Kids Are All Right"
"Winter's Bone"
"Toy Story 3"
"True Grit"

BEST ACTOR

Jesse Eisenberg, "The Social Network"
Colin Firth, "The King's Speech"
James Franco, "127 Hours"
Javier Bardem, "Biutiful"
Jeff Bridges, "True Grit"

BEST ACTRESS

Annette Bening, "The Kids Are All Right"
Nicole Kidman, "Rabbit Hole"
Jennifer Lawrence, "Winter's Bone"
Natalie Portman, "Black Swan"
Michelle Williams, "Blue Valentine"

DIRECTOR

Darren Aronofsky, "Black Swan"
David Fincher, "The Social Network"
Tom Hooper, "The King's Speech"
Joel and Ethan Coen, "True Grit"
David O. Russell, "The Fighter"

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christian Bale, "The Fighter"
John Hawkes, "Winter's Bone"
Mark Ruffalo, "The Kids Are All Right"
Jeremy Renner, "The Town"
Geoffrey Rush, "The King's Speech"

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Amy Adams, "The Fighter"
Helena Bonham Carter, "The King's Speech"
Hailee Steinfeld, "True Grit"
Melissa Leo, "The Fighter"
Jacki Weaver, "Animal Kingdom"

ANIMATED FILM

"How to Train Your Dragon"
"The Illusionist"
"Toy Story 3"

FOREIGN LANGUAGE

"Biutiful," Mexico
"Dogtooth," Greece
"Incendies," Canada
"Outside the Law," Algeria
"In a Better World," Denmark

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

"Another Year"
"Inception"
"The Fighter"
"The Kids Are All Right"
"The King's Speech"

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

"127 Hours"
"The Social Network"
"Toy Story 3"
"True Grit"
"Winter's Bone"

DOCUMENTARY

"Exit Through the Gift Shop"
"Gasland"
"Inside Job"
"Restrepo"
"Waste Land"

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT

"Killing in the Name"
"Poster Girl"
"Strangers No More"
"Sun Come Up"
"The Warriors of Qiugang"

ART DIRECTION

"Alice in Wonderland"
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1"
"Inception"
"The King's Speech"
"True Grit"

CINEMATOGRAPHY

"Black Swan"
"Inception"
"The King's Speech"
"The Social Network"
"True Grit"

COSTUME DESIGN

"Alice in Wonderland"
"I Am Love"
"The King's Speech"
"The Tempest"
"True Grit"

MAKE-UP

"Barney's Version"
"The Way Back"
"The Wolfman"

VISUAL EFFECTS

"Alice in Wonderland"
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1"
"Hereafter"
"Inception"
"Iron Man 2"

FILM EDITING

"Black Swan"
"The Fighter"
"The King's Speech"
"127 Hours"
"The Social Network"

ORIGINAL SONG

"Coming Hone" ("Country Strong")
"I See the Light" ("Tangled")
"If I Rise" ("127 hours")
"We Belong Together" ("Toy Story 3")

ORIGINAL SCORE

"How to Train Your Dragon"
"Inception"
"The King's Speech"
"127 Hours"
"The Social Network"

SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

"Day & Night"
"The Gruffalo"
"Let's Pollute"
"The Lost Thing"
"Madagascar, A Journey Diary"

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

"The Confession"
"The Crush"
"God of Love"
"Na Wewe"
"Wish 143"

SOUND EDITING

"Inception"
"Toy Story 3"
"Tron: Legacy"
"True Grit"
"Unstoppable"

SOUND MIXING

"Inception"
"The King's Speech"
"Salt"
"The Social Network"
"True Grit"

Greg's Picks

(thanks to those who entered... we'll be doing a live diary of the results during the broadcast.. join us, won't you?)

BP: King's Speech

Actor: C Firth

Actress: N Portman

Director: T Hooper (I wanted to take Fincher, but playing a King's Speech hunch here)

S Actor: C Bale

S Actress: M Leo

Animated: Toy Story 3

Foreign: "In a Better World," Denmark

O Screenplay: King's Speech

A Screenplay: Social Network

Doc: Inside Job

Doc SS: "Strangers No More"

Art D: King's Speech

Cinematography: True Grit

Costume: King's Speech (worried about "Alice" here)

Makeup: Wolfman

Fx: Inception

Edit: Social Network

Song: "We Belong Together" ("Toy Story 3")

Score: King's Speech

Short anim: "Day & Night"

Short Live Act: "Wish 143"

Sound Edit: Inception

Sound Mix: Inception

_________________

Kevin: If anyone gives you 10,000 to 1 odds on anything, you take that bet. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I will be one rich dude...

--"The Office" (NBC)

2011 Golden Globes Ballot Pool Contest Thing

2011-01-11T10:10:00.006-07:00

Double Rainbow over Denver.. this shot will be a book cover this year... kinda cool, no? I'd like to thank Mother Nature for putting that rainbow over the skyline in the first place... and TVGal for having keys to the Closed Observation Tower at Elitch Gardens....

_________

Speaking of thanking people, lots of folks will be doing that this Sunday at the Golden Globe Awards... why not play the Beat TVGuy Golden Globe Game and win fabulous prizes... the rules are few and simple...

1. Copy this ballot to an email and send it to me at denvertvguy@gmail.com before Saturday 9pm M.S.T... oh, and it's free to enter btw.

2. I will hand out prizes to the top 3, with the caveat that you must defeat my ballot in order to be eligible for prizes.. I will post my picks Sunday morning.

3. Most importantly, I have to know you (either as a friend in real life or Facebook) to be eligible.. it used to be open to all, but blame Paul Jarnagin for ending that particular element of the contest.

Good Luck!

68th annual Golden Globes Ballot - Beat TVGuy Contest.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

BOARDWALK EMPIRE (HBO)

DEXTER (SHOWTIME)

MAD MEN (AMC) 

THE WALKING DEAD (AMC) 

THE GOOD WIFE (CBS)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

JULIANNA MARGULIES  The Good Wife

ELISABETH MOSS  Mad Men

PIPER PERABO  Covert Affairs

KATEY SAGAL  Sons of Anarchy

KYRA SEDGWICK  The Closer

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

STEVE BUSCEMI  Boardwalk Empire

BRYAN CRANSTON  Breaking Bad

MICHAEL C. HALL  Dexter

JON HAMM  Mad Men

HUGH LAURIE  House

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL

30 ROCK (NBC) 

THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS) 

THE BIG C (SHOWTIME) 

GLEE (FOX)

MODERN FAMILY (ABC) 

NURSE JACKIE (SHOWTIME) 

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL

TONI COLLETTE  United States of Tara

EDIE FALCO  Nurse Jackie

TINA FEY  30 Rock

LAURA LINNEY  The Big C

LEA MICHELE  Glee

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALEC BALDWIN  30 Rock

STEVE CARELL  The Office

THOMAS JANE  Hung

MATTHEW MORRISON  Glee

JIM PARSONS  The Big Bang Theory

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

CARLOS (SUNDANCE CHANNEL)

THE PACIFIC (HBO) 

PILLARS OF THE EARTH (STARZ) 

TEMPLE GRANDIN (HBO) 

YOU DON’T KNOW JACK (HBO) 

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

HAYLEY ATWELL  Pillars of the Earth

CLAIRE DANES  Temple Grandin

JUDI DENCH  Return to Cranford

ROMOLA GARAI  Emma

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT  The Client List

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

IDRIS ELBA  Luther

IAN MCSHANE  Pillars of the Earth

AL PACINO  You Don't Know Jack

DENNIS QUAID  The Special Relationship

EDGAR RAMIREZ  Carlos

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

HOPE DAVIS  The Special Relationship

JANE LYNCH  Glee

KELLY MACDONALD  Boardwalk Empire

JULIA STILES  Dexter

SOFIA VERGARA  Modern Family

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

SCOTT CAAN  Hawaii Five-0

CHRIS COLFER  Glee

CHRIS NOTH   The Good Wife

ERIC STONESTREET  Modern Family

DAVID STRATHAIRN  Temple Grandin

BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

BLACK SWAN 

THE FIGHTER 

INCEPTION 

THE KING'S SPEECH 

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

HALLE BERRY  Frankie and Alice

NICOLE KIDMAN  Rabbit Hole

JENNIFER LAWRENCE  Winter's Bone

NATALIE PORTMAN  Black Swan

MICHELLE WILLIAMS  Blue Valentine

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

JESSE EISENBERG  The Social Network

COLIN FIRTH  The King's Speech

JAMES FRANCO  127 Hours

RYAN GOSLING  Blue Valentine

MARK WAHLBERG  The Fighter

BEST MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALICE IN WONDERLAND 

BURLESQUE S

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT 

RED 

THE TOURIST 

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ANNETTE BENING  The Kids Are All Right

ANNE HATHAWAY  Love and Other Drugs

ANGELINA JOLIE  The Tourist

JULIANNE MOORE  The Kids Are All Right

EMMA STONE  Easy A

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL

JOHNNY DEPP  Alice in Wonderland

JOHNNY DEPP  The Tourist

PAUL GIAMATTI  Barney's Version

JAKE GYLLENHAAL  Love and Other Drugs

KEVIN SPACEY  Casino Jack

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

DESPICABLE ME 

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

THE ILLUSIONIST 

TANGLED

 TOY STORY

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

BIUTIFUL

THE CONCERT

THE EDGE

I AM LOVE

IN A BETTER WORLD

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

AMY ADAMS  The Fighter

HELENA BONHAM CARTER  The King's Speech

MILA KUNIS  Black Swan

MELISSA LEO  The Fighter

JACKI WEAVER  Animal Kingdom

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

CHRISTIAN BALE  The Fighter

MICHAEL DOUGLAS  Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

ANDREW GARFIELD  The Social Network

JEREMY RENNER  The Town

GEOFFREY RUSH  The King's Speech

BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE

DARREN ARONOFSKY  Black Swan

DAVID FINCHER  The Social Network

TOM HOOPER  The King's Speech

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN  Inception

DAVID O. RUSSELL  The Fighter

BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE

DANNY BOYLE, SIMON BEAUFOY  127 Hours

LISA CHOLODENKO, STUART BLUMBERG  The Kids Are All Right

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN  Inception

DAVID SEIDLER  The King's Speech

AARON SORKIN  The Social Network

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - MOTION PICTURE

ALEXANDRE DESPLAT  The King's Speech

DANNY ELFMAN  Alice in Wonderland

A.R. RAHMAN  127 Hours

TRENT REZNOR, ATTICUS ROSS  The Social Network

HANS ZIMMER  Inception

BEST ORIGINAL SONG - MOTION PICTURE

"BOUND TO YOU" - BURLESQUE 

"COMING HOME" - COUNTRY STRONG 

"I SEE THE LIGHT" - TANGLED 

"THERE'S A PLACE FOR US" - CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER 

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME" - BURLESQUE 

_____________________
David: USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population...
--"Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS)

The Death of Customer Service

2010-12-11T12:23:00.003-07:00

Denver Botanic Gardens at Chatfield a few years ago....

___________

A few years back I whined about Apple and their incredibly shitty customer service...

http://www.denvertvguy.com/2007/12/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do.html (if you wish to relive the agony)

I did end up replacing my Apple computer with another Apple computer.. but I haven't been in an Apple Store in a good long while and I'd like to keep it that way...

Unfortunately, Verizon Wireless has copied the Apple Store "Customer Queue" where instead of helping you when you walk in the store you get to wait a half hour for the privilege of speaking to someone...

This week I stopped by to replace my new phone (it locks up about 3 times a week...) and was hoping that I could get in and out of there relatively quickly... as always, I was wrong..

Below is my experience with ZERO embellishment....

10:51am: Park car in Verizon Parking Lot and happily notice that there are many empty spaces, which means this should be quick...

10:52am: Walk into store (a VW employee opened the door for me and asked if he could help me... I thought that was odd as I am not a 90-year-old 4'9" German Immigrant Woman and have been able to open my own doors for quite some time now... either that, or he thought we were on a date... anyway...)

10:52:30am: Another woman asks me why I'm there..

VW Woman: Does your phone have insurance?

TVGuy: Insurance?

VW Woman: Yes, why don't you call this number and find out if it has insurance?

TVGuy: Why would I need insurance to replace the phone? I've had it 3 weeks.

VW Woman: Oh, then you don't need insurance.

TVGuy: The first thing I said to you is "I've had this phone 3 weeks".

VW Woman: Yes, so you don't need insurance.

TVGuy: (thinking about strangling her then and there). Got it.

VW Woman: It will be about 5 minutes.

TVGuy: (looks around store and sees about 8 customers and 23 VW employees.... one family looks like they've on CBS' "Survivor" for about 23 days.. their eyes are glazed over and they are barely moving.. they may be wax statues for all I know... they are next to a monitor that lists 9 people on a wait list. My name makes the number 10 spot, despite the fact that there are only about 5 people waiting for help.)

VW Woman: Why not look around and we'll call you when you are ready..

TVGuy: Fine, but it's going to be more like 30 minutes, right?

VW Woman: No, about 5.

TVGuy: (looks at monitor with 10 names on it) So you'll be helping each person in 30 second intervals? I mean, you're lying to me right now, you realize that, right?

VW Woman: (turns and walks away)

11:02am: We've hit the 10 minute mark and I'm now number 9 on the list... at this rate I'm going to have to go the mall and get a sleeping bag when I'm finally helped in late January...

11:04am: A couple walks in and gives their name to a new "Holds Door Open and Little Else" Guy.... he tells them it will be 10 minutes...

11:04:20am: (interrupting)

TVGuy: Umm, I've been here 10 minutes and I've moved up one spot in the queue.. it is physically impossible at this point for them to be waited on in ten minutes...

VW Guy: No, about 10 minutes, probably sooner....

TVGuy: I'll bet you my car that it will be at least 20..

VW Guy: (turns and goes to open door for someone)

11::12am: I'm now 7th on the list.. 20 minutes and counting..... isn't this the worst possible business model, I don't know... EVER? What other store has you come in and then ignore you for half an hour... Seriously??? There are 4 VW employees for every one customer... and yet I'm probably going to have to shave before I get out of here...

11:20am: 5th on the list, 28 minutes in.. I'm told by a VW employee that I can "look around and browse our store while I wait"...

TVGuy: Just with a quick glance I see that you have 8 phones to look at, and some phone accessories. That's it. Am I missing something? Are there magazines somewhere? Snacks?

VWGal: Well, you can play with other phones and test out all our new models and features!

TVGuy: But I just bought this phone 3 weeks ago.

VWGal: Well, I guess then you are familiar with smartphones, correct?

TVGuy: (holding a smartphone in my hand). Yes, in so much as they don't all work that well.

VWGal: Well you should get a replacement then!

TVGuy: (committing murder in my minds eye) Terrific idea, I think I should first stop by my local Verizon Wireless store and make an appointment!

VWGal: Great! (turns and walks away)

Look, I realize that High Schools aren't turning out Nobel Laureates by the dozen, but do people even have to fill out job applications anymore? What was that woman's qualification list? Opposable thumbs? No prehensile tail? Who isn't getting hired by Verizon Wireless these days?

11:28am: 37 minutes in, I'm third on the list.. the original woman who told me "5 minutes" won't even look me in the eyes... someone call my wife and tell her I love her... I may never leave this place...

11:31am: A guy comes over to me and starts talking... he is wearing a leather jacket and no Verizon Wireless logos, badges, IDs of any kind...

Random Guy: So how can I help you?

TVGuy: Do you even work here?

Random Guy: Yes, yes I do.

TVGuy: (explains for the fourth time to a third person calmly and patiently the "problem")

Random Guy: Someone will be right with you.. (walks away)

TVGuy: (flummoxed and dumbfounded) But..er.. uh.. umm.. come back... please, come back...

11:33am: Another Random Guy comes by...

Random Guy: How can I help you?

TVGuy: I may weep if I tell you my problem then you walk away... I'm just warning you.

Random Guy: (puzzled) Why would you weep?

TVGuy: (goes into long rant about how utterly pathetic and ridiculous the current business model for Verizon Wireless is, what I've done in my 35 minutes, etc etc etc...)

Random Guy: Well, we've hit our holiday season starting today! No way I can plan that!

TVGuy: Today is December 9th. Your holiday season begins December 9th???

Random Guy: Apparently so!

TVGuy: Many, if not all businesses this time of year hire seasonal employees...

Random Guy: Well, I've done that!

TVGuy: Really, explain 35 minutes (and counting) for me to exchange my phone then. I mean, this guy (points to "Open The Door Guy") seemingly has the job to actually open the door for customers.. it's been my experience that people, when coming up to a closed door at a business, actually reach their arms out and open the doors, you know, for themselves... who is that helping? What time is being saved there? Why on God's Green Earth can't he be actually helping people?

Random Guy: Well, those are temporary employees that are hired by another company.

TVGuy: (stunned) So, you hire out a company to hire out temp employees to help you, you know, open doors for people....

Random Guy: In a nutshell, yes. Also, when people leave with their arms full it helps a lot to have the door opened for them...

TVGuy: (still stunned) Arms full? With what, PHONES? You do know the average phone weighs less than a candy bar, right??????

Random Guy: People appreciate having the door opened for you, what can I say? (walks away)

11:37am: 45 minutes in, a guy comes over and takes me to a computer monitor, where he asks me several questions that I'm answering for the fifth time.. after setting up a replacement to be mailed to my house (and I have to Fed Ex phone back within ten days, or else...) he gives me a business card....

VW Guy: And here's my card if you have any problems with your new phone....

TVGuy: Is this your direct number?

VW Guy: No, that's the number for the store...

TVGuy: But if I came in and asked for you you'd see me right away?

VW Guy: No, you'd have to go into the queue.

TVGuy: Then explain to me why you gave me this card again?

VW Guy: Good point I guess.... no real reason.

As I walk out the store at 11:44am I glare at the "It'll Be Five Minutes" woman and then glare at the temp employee who holds the door open for me.... To be fair, I did have 2 pieces of paper in my hand at the time... I did appear helpless to the young man..

Whatever you do this holiday season, do NOT go into a Verizon Wireless store...

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lay down in traffic....

______________________

House: Oh I get it. You're trying to get me to prove you wrong, then I'm going to be nice to my patients through the Holiday Season. And then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's portridge. I'm totally on it...

--"House" (FOX)

CSI: Oprah

2010-09-13T17:09:00.003-06:00

Hot Air Balloon Interior from last weekend.....

______

I'm going to take a position here that I realize might be unpopular.. hell, WILL be unpopular... but I don't care... I have to say it, and today seems like the right day....

America Loves Oprah.

TVGuy Loathes Oprah.

Why you ask? I'm happy to tell you... but to get there I have to compare her to a coroner.. which is going to be weird but stay with me...

Despite the TV Show "Quincy" back in the day I think we can all agree that being a coroner is a pretty brutal job.. we've all seen the "Vote for Candidate X for Coroner" signs about when it's an election year... and if you're anything like me you think "wait, Coroner is an elected office?"

What, do they promise the voters that some of these corpses they'll bring back to life? I mean, even if you screw up the job, the guy's still dead, right? Ultimately couldn't this job be performed by robots or chimpanzees?

"Hey, TVGuy, what does this have to do with Oprah Winfrey"??????

Bear with me...

I was at the airport the other day and saw this guy waiting to get on the same plane as me...

yeah, I took his picture... sue me...

Anyway, he's wearing a hat with the word "coroner" on it about 8 times.. is he trying to pick up women? Impress people? Start random conversations? (Perhaps the fact that he was reading a novelization of the Will Smith film "I, Robot" and laughing to himself answers that question better than we ever could...)

Anyway, I liken Ms. Winfrey to this job.... utterly average in every way, yet lauded for no reason by the American Public...

This week Oprah is kicking off her "My Last year doing my syndicated Show!" extravaganza...

We are supposed to bow to her as we see FOR THE LAST TIME her shows with her "best friend" Gayle King, giving crap to the studio audience, performing fellatio to various celebrities and whatever other shit she decides to fill the year with (guessing some edited "best of" segments will be almost a daily feature...)

But can I halt this train for just one second and present my opinion? I mean, it's America right? Jefferson and Washington kicked some ass so I could type into a keyboard hundreds of years later and say what I thought, right?

And so, I say this..

1. Oprah isn't dying. She doesn't have cancer, AIDS, Whooping Cough or any other malady other than the ability to have weight gain swings larger than that of a cargo ship being unloaded and loaded daily....

2. After this year is over she'll still have her magazine which debuted in the year 2000 and has since then featured her ON EVERY SINGLE COVER IT HAS EVER PUBLISHED... sorry, that amount of ego may not have been seen by any human being ever... seriously, can you name any other magazine that the publisher appears on the cover of????? And not just that, BUT EVERY SINGLE ONE???? I can't eat enough to throw up as much as I want to at this point....

3. After her show is over she is launching HER OWN TELEVISION NETWORK CALLED THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK..... you think she's not showing up on this thing on a weekly basis at some point?? Really??

My point is.. she's worth 2.4 billion dollars... can we hold off on the "Oh My God, she's Leaving Us After This Year We Need To Praise Her Endlessly Every Second of 2010/2011!!!!!!" bullshit??

If you want worship her... fine.. just wait until she erects her own statue in Chicago 3 years from now...

It's easy to donate money to causes when you have 2 billion dollars..I'd just feel a lot better about it if there didn't have to be a camera and makeup staff crew there every time she did it...

__________________

Shawn: Dad, I don't know if you just read "The Secret" or watched an emotional "Oprah" or what, but I don't think we're ready to open our souls to each other...

--"Psych" (USA)

Running Diary tonight...

2010-08-29T14:16:00.026-06:00

3 Hot Air Balloons... no need to break that photo down further, right?

_______

6:02pm: Welcome to the 62nd annual Emmys Awards.. we're at TV and HV's house.. opening sequence we thought was quite excellent.. well done.. anytime Amy Fay gets covered with pink slushee it's a win for America...

Jimmy Fallon... who knew?

6:13pm: Our first category, Supporting Actor in Comedy.. and our winner is someone I've never heard of, but yet selected correctly.... Eric Stonestreet.. 3 got it correct (only 9 entrants this year)...

6:14pm: Oven preheating for tonight's sponsor Totino's Pizza Rolls... Honorary TVChild Hollin is playing with Barbies alongside TVGal... every bit as cute as it sounds....

6:22pm: Stephen Colbert presenting an award for Supp Actress in a Comedy... wanted to take this time to say I've never seen his show. Ever. I feel bad about that...

6:23pm: Jane Lynch wins... HV inexplicably misses and now there are two perfect entries... the Best Drama Series is a big one tonight.. I've got Mad Men, many others Lost....

6:32pm: Guest Actors and Actresses have been preselected last week so everybody gets those right...

6:35pm: George Clooney bit with the Modern Family kills...

6:36pm: Jim Parsons wins for Best Actor in Comedy.... TVGuy still perfect.. Edie Falco my selection for Best Actress coming up.... and the Pizza Rolls going into the oven...

6:38pm: Betty White in a new movie... I worry that she's very underexposed... maybe a new agent or a publicist...

6:48pm: Edie Falco wins! Next up, perhaps Reality? (I've got Amazing Race) Pizza Rolls have to be close... yes, there's the buzzer!! Wait, now I'm told 2 minutes.. damn! Getting weak...

6:49pm: Top Chef wins! TVGal and I watch it all the time.. damn, my first miss..

6:50pm: TVChild Hollin announces that she has organic cereal for dinner, and to prove it brings us the box... I'm slightly confused..

6:51pm: Our 5,673rd Oprah commercial celebrating her last season.. thank god we can pat her on the back and make her feel good about herself... because she isn't rich and powerful enough... just glad we can help kiss your ass Oprah... oh, by the way.. you haven't changed the world. I know you think you have... but no... at the end of the day it was just a talk show. Sorry. I felt I had to tell you.... enjoy your billion dollars...

6:55pm: Pizza Rolls. Please stand by. I'll be back.

7:05pm: Aaron Paul wins for Best Supporting actor Drama.... didn't see that happening.... only Adrian Cruz gets it right, but he trails with three.. in fact, this feels like a good time for our first scoreboard update, brought to you by Toyota...

6: TVGuy
5: Megan
5: TV's Matt
4: Kevin, TV, HV
3: Kings, JH, AC

7:09pm: Saddest sentence in the english language... "Last Pizza Roll, who wants it?"

7:11pm: Supporting Actress... someone I've never heard of wins... TV gets that one (kinda jealous of his initials I've gotta say....) and moves to within one of the lead...

7:15pm: Bryan Cranston for Best Actor... I've hit a cold spell... we've got a tie in first... I'm now worried...

7:24pm: Guest Actor and Actress was also preselected so everyone gets those...

7:25pm: Onscreen Crawl: George Clooney in 17 minutes.. TVGal just looked at her watch.. should I worry?

7:27pm: TVChild Hollin is combing Megan's hair... the amount of cuteness cannot be measured by humankind...

7:31pm: We've decided that Jimmy Fallon is deceptively talented... excellent musical segment...

7:32pm: The sentence "Don't destroy my kisses" was just uttered by HV to TVChild Hollin... I don't know what that means... then again, I only have a cat....

7:35pm: The "Twitter" jokes sadly are kinda flat..

7:36pm: Krya Sedgwick wins best Actress? What???? Argh... my picks are as cold as the frozen mini-tacos going into the oven....

7:39pm: There is quite a rift in the room between TV and HV/TVGal about Kyra's appearance.. I'm choosing to stay neutral...

7:49pm: Ricky Gervais is about the funniest person on the planet... right?

7:51pm: Bucky Gunts wins an award... for something... I can't get past the name "Bucky Gunts".... and I'm guessing you can't either....

7:54pm: I can't believe "Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" didn't win.. how do the Emmy voters not kick NBC in the shorts there? "Daily Show" wins... argh... time for our next scoreboard update, brought to you by Blackberry...

8: TV, TV's Matt, TVGuy, TVGal
7: HV
6: JH, Kevin
5: AC, Kings

8:05pm: George Clooney gets the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award.... let me help the people of Darfur right now.... AMERICA, STOP BUYING BOTTLED WATER... happy to help...

8:10pm: Julia Ormond wins best supporting Actress.. no one gets it right.. argh.

8:12pm: The last mini-taco goes to... TVGal, who grabbed it and ate it in less than the time it takes a neutrino to travel around the nucleus of an atom... you know if that's what neutrinos do... high school was a long, long time ago...

8:15pm: Our montage of dead celebrities is on.. while Jewel sings and eschews modern dentistry... I think Gary Coleman won the "most applause" award... but Brittany Murphy may have tied him...

8:19pm: They just ran a Jimmy Dean breakfast commercial after Jimmy Dean was in the Dead Celebrities Roll Call... I'm praying that was a coincidence... otherwise it was just creepy.... and yet tasty as I love a good breakfast sandwich..

8:27pm: Claire Danes wins Movie Best actress.. I finally get one right.. whew... (we've decided Ms. Danes has a terrific dress, great hair, minimal jewelry... well done...)

8:33pm: In conversation with TV I've learned that there is a word for "last two years".. "biennial"... I've decided there are too many words...

8:37pm: Al Pacino wins! As do I... our scoreboard, sponsored by Gummi Bears...

10: TVGuy
9: TVs Matt, Megan
8: TV
7: HV, JH
6: Kings, Kevin, AC

8:52pm: "Mad Men" wins best drama... looking good for TVGuy... I've got Modern Family to win Best comedy...

8:58pm: And we're done... our final tally, sponsored by Meineke

15: TVGuy
14: TVGal (highest finish ever)
13: Matt
11: TV
10: HV
9: The Kings
8: Kevin, JH, AC

See ya next year!

2010 Beat TVGuy Emmy Contest Ballot

2010-08-27T10:59:00.003-06:00

Hello all... here is your emmy ballot... fill it out and send it to me by Sunday August 29th at Noon (MST)... if you defeat my ballot, you will be eligible for prizes.. top three ballots score swag this year.. good luck!

(contest open only to people I actually know.. due to 1 person last year spoiling the entire thing for the rest.. sorry...)

Send them to denvertvguy@gmail.com... thanks.

Drama series:

Breaking Bad, AMC

Dexter, Showtime

The Good Wife, CBS

Lost, ABC

Mad Men, AMC

True Blood, HBO

Comedy series:

Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO

Glee, Fox;

Modern Family, ABC

Nurse Jackie, Showtime

The Office, NBC

30 Rock, NBC

Actor in a drama series:

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad, AMC

Michael C. Hall, Dexter, Showtime

Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights, NBC

Hugh Laurie, House, Fox

Matthew Fox, Lost, ABC

Jon Hamm, Mad Men, AMC

Actress in a drama series: Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer, TNT

Glenn Close, Damages, FX

Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights, NBC

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife, CBS

Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU, NBC

January Jones, Mad Men, AMC

Actor in a comedy series:

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory, CBS

Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO

Matthew Morrison, Glee, Fox

Tony Shalhoub, Monk, USA

Steve Carell, The Office, NBC

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock, NBC

Actress in a comedy series: Lea Michele, Glee, Fox;

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine, CBS

Amy Poehler, Parks & Recreation, NBC

Tina Fey, 30 Rock, NBC

Toni Collette, The United States of Tara, Showtime

Supporting actor in a drama series:

Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad, AMC

Martin Short, Damages

Terry O'Quinn, Lost, ABC

Michael Emerson, Lost, ABC;

John Slattery, Mad Men, AMC

Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age, TNT

Supporting actress in a drama series:

Sharon Gless, Burn Notice, USA

Rose Byrne, Damages, FX

Archie Punjabi, The Good Wife, CBS

Christine Baranski, The Good Wife, CBS

Christina Hendricks, Mad Men, AMC

Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men, AMC.

Supporting actor in a comedy series:

Chris Colfer, Glee, Fox;

Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother, CBS;

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family, ABC:

Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family, ABC;

Ty Burrell, Modern Family, ABC;

Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men, CBS.

Supporting actress in a comedy series: Jane Lynch, Glee, Fox;

Julie Bowen, Modern Family, ABC;

Sofia Vergara, Modern Family, ABC;

Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live, NBC:

Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock, NBC;

Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men, CBS.

Guest actor in a drama series: Beau Bridges, The Closer, TNT;

Ted Danson, Damages, FX;

John Lithgow, Dexter, Showtime;

Alan Cumming, The Good Wife, CBS;

Dylan Baker, The Good Wife, CBS;

Robert Morse, Mad Men, AMC;

Gregory Itzin, 24, Fox.

Guest actress in a drama series:

Mary Kay Place, Big Love, HBO;

Sissy Spacek, Big Love, HBO;

Shirley Jones, The Cleaner, A&E;

Lily Tomlin, Damages, FX;

Ann-Marget, Law & Order: SVU;

Elizabeth Mitchell, Lost, ABC.

Guest actor in a comedy series:

Mike O'Malley, Glee, Fox;

Neil Patrick Harris, Glee, Fox;

Fred Willard, Modern Family, ABC;

Eli Wallach, Nurse Jackie, Showtime;

Jon Hamm, 30 Rock, NBC;

Will Arnett, 30 Rock, NBC.

Guest actress in a comedy series:

Christine Baranski, The Big Bang Theory, CBS;

Kathryn Joosten, Desperate Housewives, ABC;

Kristin Chenoweth, Glee, Fox;

Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live, NBC;

Betty White, Saturday Night Live, NBC.

Reality series, competition:

The Amazing Race, CBS;

American Idol, Fox;

Dancing With the Stars, ABC;

Project Runway, Lifetime;

Top Chef, Bravo.

Variety, music or comedy series:

The Colbert Report, Comedy Central;

The Daily Show, Comedy Central;

Real Time With Bill Maher, HBO;

Saturday Night Live, NBC;

The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien, NBC.

Reality series:

Antiques Roadshow, PBS;

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, ABC;

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Bravo;

Mythbusters, Discovery;

Undercover Boss, CBS.

Miniseries: The Pacific, HBO;

Return to Cranford (Masterpiece), PBS.

Made-for-TV-movie:

Endgame, PBS;

Georgia O'Keeffe, Lifetime;

Moonshot, History;

The Special Relationship, HBO;

Temple Grandin, HBO;

You Don't Know Jack, HBO.

Actor, Miniseries or Movie:

Jeff Bridges, A Dog Year, HBO;

Ian McKellen, The Prisoner, AMC;

Michael Sheen, The Special Relationship, HBO;

Dennis Quaid, The Special Relationship, HBO;

Al Pacino, You Don't Know Jack, HBO.

Actress, Miniseries or Movie:

Maggie Smith, Capturing Mary, HBO;

Joan Allen, Georgia O'Keeffe, Lifetime;

Judi Dench, Return to Cranford (Masterpiece), PBS;

Hope Davis, The Special Relationship, HBO;

Claire Danes, Temple Grandin, HBO.

Supporting Actor, Miniseries or Movie:

Michael Gambon, Emma (Masterpiece), PBS;

Patrick Stewart, Hamlet (Great Performances), PBS;

Jonathan Pryce, Return to Cranford (Masterpiece), PBS;

David Straithairn, Temple Grandin, HBO;

John Goodman, You Don't Know Jack, HBO.

Supporting Actress, Miniseries or Movie:

Kathy Bates, Alice, Syfy;

Julia Ormond, Temple Grandin, HBO;

Catherine O'Hara, Temple Grandin, HBO;

Brenda Vaccaro, You Don't Know Jack, HBO;

Susan Sarandon, You Don't Know Jack, HBO.

Reality Show Host:

Jeff Probst, Survivor

Heidi Klum, Project Runway

Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race

Tom Bergeron, Dancing with the Stars

Ryan Seacrest, American Idol

letters, we get letters.... (part 2)

2010-07-14T17:35:00.006-06:00

Double Rainbow over Denver Skyline shot in June...

____________

Let's continue on with Part 2 of this week's mailbag... part 1 can be found here...

As always, actual letters (or fragments therein) from actual emailers...

________

>>That KFC sandwich you talked about in the mailbag is the single grossest thing of all time.. please stop with the food posts! I'm begging you.. or at least put "spoiler alert" before you dive into the chow talk...

--andy01******** @hotmail.com

TVGuy: Fair enough... I understand that photos of gross foods, while amusing to some, could perhaps put a dent in someone's dinner plans... from now on I'll give fair warning before posting something as ridiculously gross as this....

yep it's a sandwich in a can. Introducing Candwich. C'mon, that BBQ Chicken can't have any nitrites, perservatives, embalming liquid, etc... can it?

(Oh, sorry.... "spoiler alert"....)

______

>>I dare you to eat the KFC Double Down.... in fact, I'll double dare you!!

****1001 @yahoo.com

TVGuy: It's a deal, as long as you eat one of these brain cupcakes.....

(Oh, shit... sorry.... "spoiler alert"....)

______

>> Enough with the Gross Food entries!! After the Monster Thickburger talk from years past I thought you'd gotten it out of your system! Please, no more!

--********candy@yahoo.com

TVGuy: You're right.. certainly it's not for everyone and it's clearly not appropriate for me to show pictures of Cambodian Boiled Duck Embryos....

Spoiler Alert!!

_____

>>Did Gary Coleman's death hit you as hard as it me? We're getting old TVGuy....

--KST***@gmail.com

TVGuy: I still can't come to grips that Conrad Bain is still alive but Dana Plato and Coleman are gone... you couldn't have put Vegas Odds on that one...

It did get me thinking about celebrities and their demise and what a fuss we make over it... I was talking about it with a friend and they asked me what famous person's death would actually make me weep or perhaps call in sick for a day... and I gave it a lot of thought and am now ready to answer with my top 5... in descending order...

5. Joss Whedon

--He's younger than me and he's created 3 of my favorite 7 TV shows of all time... he's given me more pure entertainment than just about anyone.. and he's younger than me.

4. Shatner/Nimoy

--Every time one of the original crew of the Enterprise succumbs to the sweet relief only death can bring it hits me a bit harder... but Spock and Kirk? They're immortal, right? (By the way, the Star Trek reboot last summer was just great, right? Hell, even TVGal liked it...)

3. Albert Pujols

--Favorite baseball player of all time and I'm older than him.. which means of course, that he's younger than me...

2. Brett Favre

--Favorite football player of all time and.. hell, favorite athlete of all time... there may be a sick day involved with that one...

1. James Taylor

--I have a hard time explaining this one... it's not like I'm a superfan... I've seen him in concert about 10 times, far more than anyone else.. and each time I do it's just about the best day of my year... he is def. my favorite musician but I really don't listen to him that often... he's like a secret Xmas present I keep under my bed that I snuck away from under the tree on the 23rd.. and then on the 27th I'll open it in private and for five minutes still feel like it's Christmas...

Okay, that was a bit schamltzy, but I'm listening to him on Itunes right now and it's been months since I have but I just absolutely love about 80 of his songs, which is an incredible amount for anybody..... his music speaks to me more purely than anyone else's ever has... and it instantly makes me happy... and that's a gift I'm not willing to let go of anytime soon...

part 3 this weekend... til next time...

_____________________
Spock: You may find that having, is not after all, so pleasant a thing as wanting...
--"Star Trek" (NBC)

Letters, we get letters.... (part 1)

2010-07-12T16:24:00.005-06:00

Sunset over the Rockies....

_______

TVGal last night updated her blog for the first time in about 18 months... am I writing this because I feel guilty? Yeah, a bit... Photography has consumed my "hobbytime" the last year and I enjoy it a great deal... but it's no excuse for not answering these thousands... er.. hundreds.. umm.. trickles of emails that still come through the old emailbox even though I update this blog about as regularly as Lindsay Lohan is nominated for an Academy Award....

Having said that, let's open it up again very very briefly for a few missives...

As always, these are actual emails from... well, humans I suppose... edited for space and comedic effect... we begin in Hollywood....

______

>>> I know you once said "Karate Kid" was one of your favorite films of all time... did you see the remake?

--al*****@aol.com

TVGuy: I hear it was pretty well done.... but no, I'm not watching it.. ever probably....

Sure the original is dated beyond all reckoning... but that scene where Daniel-san is first schooled by Miyagi ("Now show me 'Sand The Floor'!!") is one of my 10 favorite movie scenes of all eternity... and that's just how it is...

______

>>You were looking forward to "Iron Man 2" quite a bit... final verdict?

--Lisa***********@hotmail.com

TVGuy: As with most sequels, not quite as good as the first... (which reminds me.. I need to update my 50 favorite films of all time list and add "Iron Man" in there somewhere.. I've seen pieces of that film about 8,231 times now... come on, this scene just kicks ass, right?

It was fine and all, and I'm sure the inevitable third film will be good... but for my money Sam Rockwell flat out stunk in that movie and the film came to a screeching halt anytime he was on screen...

Rotten Tomatoes: 73 (out of 100)

TVGuy Rating: B-

_______

>>The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real! This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!

--KFC (via Blogger)

TVGuy: Glad to see the KFC Marketing department has some free time.. I know your fucking sandwich is "real".. I also know that you people are the devil... replacing the bread in the sandwich with meat?? Satan awaits....

_________

>>You have 15 seconds... name your favorite 3 side dishes.

--Foodie12**** @comcast.net

TVGuy: Why only 15 seconds? That's very arbitrary, no? I mean, I could be a really fast typist and you'd have no idea how long it was taking me to type this so why put a limit on the answer?

If anything, I'd say take as long as you like so you can begin the mental Thanksgiving Side Dish Gymnastics that occur every year as those unwieldly platters get passed around in no discernible pattern whatsoever...

But if you must know, (and truth be told this took me all of 5 seconds to answer definitively) the three side dishes of all time in the TVGuy Pantheon are... (no order amongst the three however)

1. Macaroni and Cheese (Not that Kraft swill, but delicious baked noodles and curds... mm...)

2. Mashed Potatoes (I don't care if you put bacon, scallions, garlic, shoelaces or pennies in the bowl along side that creamy goodness, I'm eating every last bite.)

3. Hash Browns (Not Home Fries, or Skillet Fries, Or Potatoes O'Brien or whatever other nonsensical term used to describe diced potatoes in a skillet... no, these have to be shredded potatoes, crispy on one side and buttery on the other.. you know what I'm talking about...)

RunnersUp include Grilled Asparagus, French Fries, Macaroni Salad and Corn-on-the-Cob off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are many more I'm forgetting at the moment...

(We're having Spaghetti and Meatballs for dinner tonight... does Garlic Bread count as a side dish? If so, it zooms straight to number 4...)

_____

>>Mustard: Brown or Yellow?

--Canto************** @aol.com

TVGuy: That's easy.. mustard comes in both Brown and Yellow varieties! Next letter!

(Okay, that probably isn't what they wanted to know but rather which is better? I'd just like to say again for the record that Ketchup is the devil's condiment and does not belong on the same hot dog as the glorious, delicious mustard... why choose Brown or Yellow? Aren't you happy to be living in an America that offers both to you, the consumer?)

________

>>Where do you stand on the "Lost" finale? Our household was 50-50... my wife wanted to throw the remote at the TV and I couldn't stop her because I was wiping the tears from my eyes..

--John************* @comcast.net

TVGuy: Our household was about 90-10... my wife really enjoyed it unlike your significant other while I am unable to this day being able to watch the last 30 minutes without losing a pound of body weight in tears... (I tried watching it again just now... 4 minutes in the sniffles began..)

I'm not really sure what that says about me, after all I'm a 46 year old man and it's a Sci-Fi Network Drama... but that last episode to me is just about as perfect a show as man can produce for a mass audience... I know many were pissed about there not being enough "answers"... I couldn't care less... it hit every button I possess and then some, and I'm eternally grateful for the show and the 6 years it ran... I'm not sure I will EVER be able to watch the last 15 minutes without weeping like a child... and I'm perfectly okay with that... actually, I'm better than okay... it makes me strangely happy....

Back with more missives later this week...

______________

Sawyer: It doesn't sound like Jacob said anything about anything.

Hurley: That's true dude, he's worse than Yoda...

--"Lost" (ABC)

double down...

2010-05-06T16:22:00.007-06:00

View from the 20th floor of the Daniels & Fisher Clocktower, Denver....

_______

Longtime readers of TVGuy (back when I used to, you know, post actual entries on a semi-regular basis) know that I enjoy mocking obscene food porn offered by our fast food eateries... The Hardee's Triple Monster Thickburger being the most memorable for me... but a new entry has been thrust upon us.... a sandwich that actually doesn't have any bread... but uses meat instead...

Yes, it's the KFC "Double Down" sandwich...

Oh sure, you're saying to yourself "wait, that's clearly a cellphone camera taking a horrible picture..."

Really? Here's KFC's version, after 1,342 marketing and art people got done with it...

Okay, it's two breaded chicken breasts with bacon, thousand island dressing/mayo and gooey cheese....with no bread.

Sweet Jesus, we aren't fat enough? Really???

There isn't any reason to continue to bash KFC and the insane crap that passes for food at their "restaurants".... I have a different question to ask...

If there isn't any bread, is it a sandwich? I mean, you need bread for a sandwich, right? (And don't get me started on "open-face" sandwiches.. ooh, look.. you need a knife and fork! Hey, Chef Jerkface, how bout mixing in a 2nd piece of bread you culinary hack... oh, sorry.. where was I...)

Wikipedia lists a sandwich as follows...

A sandwich is a food item consisting of two or more slices of bread with one or more fillings between them, one slice of bread with a topping or toppings, commonly called an open sandwich. Sandwiches are a widely popular type of food, typically taken to work or school, or picnics to be eaten as part of a packed lunch. They generally contain a combination of salad vegetables, meat, cheese, and a variety of sauces. The bread can be used as is, or it can be coated with butter, oil, mustard or other condiments to enhance flavor and texture. They are widely sold in restaurants and cafes.

Okay, so is a taco a sandwich? I'm going with no. If people in Mexico consider it a different food than a sandwich, fine.. but a Gyro? Hot Dog? You betcha..

You know what isn't a sandwich?

THE DOUBLE DOWN FROM KFC!!!!! Meat instead of bread!!!!!

I might not be eating for a couple of days....

_________________________________
Leonard: Why are you learning Mandarin?
Sheldon: I suspect that the people at the Szechuan Palace are passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken, and I intend to confront them.
Leonard: If I were you, I'd be more worried about what they're passing off as chicken...
--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

in for a spell...

2010-04-19T16:34:00.002-06:00

These three photos taken within 5 minutes of each other a few days ago...

Arguably the worst spelling of "Wednesday" in recorded history...

Secondly, I think I want the old "managment" back....

Dairy Queen not getting their signature product quite right....

Although to be fair, who doesn't love a DQ "Blizzrad"??

(Do people even go to High School anymore???)

______________

Dr. Gregory House: Prep Clarence for surgery.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Care to share with the class?
House: Oh, come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it...

--"House" (FOX)

last resort...

2010-03-20T08:38:00.003-06:00

Infinity Pool at night, Secrets Silversands...

_______

You know those books that hotels/motels/resorts have on the coffee table in your room that have all the information a traveller might need? Room Service hours, Checkout times, etc?

If I'm in the states I never give it a passing thought, but when travelling abroad it's a must... why you ask?

I've asked the question a thousand times but I'll ask it once more... I get that the original version is probably written in whatever native language the resort resides in... but how can there not be one... ONE.... English-speaking person in the entire company who would proofread this stuff after they convert it?

Below are actual sentences from the book... not a drop of embellishment needed.... my comments parenthetically follow...

BAR SERVICE

>>Sugar Reef Bar; For your delight while enjoying the calm of the pool area, allow yourself to be pampered by our warm staff...

(Okay, not so bad... although "warm staff" is a touch puzzling...moving on...)

>>Showtime Bar; Delight with our original cocktails, just at the time you enjoy of our shows and spectacles...

(Thanks, I'm looking forward to the time I enjoy of your shows... wait... now I'm talking like them... argh...)

BREAKFAST MENU

>>Specialties; Eggs At Your Choice

(at?)

GUEST OBLIGATIONS

>>It is strictly forbidden to cause quarrels or bring musicians into the hotel.

(damn!)

DINNER

>>Exquisite culinary experience of the Mediterranean Cuisine based on the large selection of countries along this vast region with great international transcendence.

(what??)

>>In the evening when the sun sets our dining world comes alive, displaying an international gamma of dining experience.

(I don't know what that means..)

>>The plates contain wonders both common and altered...

(??)

>>Fruit may be sliced, if it is not it will be served whole without slices...

(you know, unless it's sliced... then it won't be whole.. it will be in pieces, which are not whole.. got it?)

>>Spaghetti Paste

(look, I know "paste" must be "pasta", but then isn't it redundant? "Spaghetti Pasta"? And if it actually does mean "paste", then its even weirder.. either way, I'll not be ordering it thank you very much... maybe I'll have sliced fruit.. with slices... not whole... you know, cut up...)

HOTEL SERVICES

>>You may use the umbrellas but use caution while swimming...

(who swims with an umbrella?)

>>Doctor; see "M".

(doesn't Doctor start with a "D"?)

>>Electricity; the entire Mexico is 110 volts. If you wish to transform urgently, ask the Concierge.

("wish to transform urgently"??)

LUNCH MENU

>>Chicken broth; served with broth.

(that's very helpful)

>>Ham and Cheese sandwich; contains ham and cheese.

(I'd always wondered...)

>>Roast Bef Panini.

(is "Bef" fancier than "Beef"?)

>>Croissant with lettuccesses.

(forgiving the worst spelling of "lettuces" in recorded history for a moment, who is eating a lettuce sandwich?)

>>Hot Cakes; served at room temperature...

(known in America as "Tepid Cakes")

BAR SERVICE

>>this is our fun spot, with juggling bartenders eager to assist you...

(yes, I'd like a bowling pin, a chain saw and a dinner plate thrown into the air please...)

>>miracles of mixology made to mimic your madela.

(mighty moronic missive)

>>Dancing gerbils entertain the dwarves of wisdom (Thursdays only)

(okay, I made that up...)

You get the point.. I could go on, but for now I must enjoy the breakfast of choice prepared by self in morning fashion accompanied by those who consume it daily with great eagerness and brevity...

(I'm having a quick breakfast..)

____________________
Angel: She asked me to breakfast.
Wesley: Breakfast. Right. How did you respond?
Angel: Well . . . of course I ignored it completely, changed the subject, and locked her in a cage...
--"Angel" (WB)

just like mom used to make...

2010-03-13T07:15:00.002-07:00

As I was pumping gas the other day this sign caught my eye as I was a bit hungry... Just Like Homemade! it screamed at me... and why not? Let's look at these tasty treats...

>>Sandwiches... yum!

>>Salads... well, I probably wouldn't buy a salad at a gas station, but at least it's homemade!

>>Pastries... it was the afternoon as I read this so wasn't feeling it.. but homemade!

>>Fruits... I remember when my mom would... um...er... when she would..

FRUITS?? HOMEMADE FRUITS???????? JUST LIKE HOMEMADE FRUITS??????

Arghh...

__________________

Sheldon: What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Strawberries.
Sheldon: Not technically a fruit, but okay...

--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

2010 TVGuy Oscar Pool Ballot

2010-03-07T12:02:00.003-07:00

Denver at sunset...

___________

This is going up late but feel free to enter if you like.. yes, there are still prizes, but you have to beat my total to be eligible... my picks will go up sunday morning.. ballots due by Saturday 8pm March 6th

2010 Beat TVGuy Oscar Pool Contest

Best Actor
Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
George Clooney, Up In The Air
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Morgan Freeman, Invictus
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Best Supporting Actor
Matt Damon, Invictus
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Best Actress
Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Carey Mulligan, An Education
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

Best Supporting Actress
Penelope Cruz, Nine
Vera Farmiga, Up In The Air
Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart
Anna Kendrick, Up In The Air
Mo'Nique, Precious

Best Picture
Avatar
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious
A Serious Man
Up
Up In The Air

Best Director
James Cameron, Avatar
Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
Lee Daniels, Precious
Jason Reitman, Up In The Air

Best Foreign Film
Ajami, Israel
El Secretro de sus Ojo, Argentina
The Milk of Sorrow, Peru
Un Prophete, France
The White Ribbon, Germany

Best Animated Film
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and The Frog
The Secret of Kells
Up

Art Direction
Avatar
Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Nine
Sherlock Holmes
The Young Victoria

Cinematography
Avatar
Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
The White Ribbon

Costume Design
Bright Star
Coco before Chanel
Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Nine
The Young Victoria

Best Documentary
Burma
VJ
The Cove
Food, Inc.
Most Dangerous Man in America
Which Way Home

Best Documentary Short
China’s Unnatural Disaster
Last Campaign of Booth Gardner
Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant
Music by Prudence
Rabbit à la Berlin

Film Editing
Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious

Makeup
Il Divo
Star Trek
The Young Victoria

Best Original Score
Avatar
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Hurt Locker
Sherlock Holmes
Up

Best Original Song
Almost There, Princess and the Frog
Down in New Orleans, Princess and the Frog
Loin de Paname, Paris 36
Take It All, Nine
The Weary Kind, Crazy Heart

Best Animated Short
French Roast
Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty
The Lady and the Reaper
Logorama
A Matter of Loaf and Death

Best Live Action Short
The Door
Instead of Abracadabra
Kavi
Miracle Fish
The New Tenants

Sound Editing
Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Star Trek
Up

Sound Mixing
Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Best Visual Effects
Avatar
District 9
Star Trek

Best Adapted Screenplay
District 9
An Education
In The Loop
Precious
Up In The Air

Best Original Screenplay
The Hurt LockerI
Inglourious Basterds
The Messenger
A Serious Man
Up

Add: My picks are below...
ActorJeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Best Supporting ActorChristoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Best ActressSandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Best Supporting ActressMo'Nique, Precious
Best PictureThe Hurt Locker
Best DirectorKathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Best Foreign FilmThe White Ribbon, Germany
Best Animated FilmUp
Art DirectionAvatar
CinematographyAvatar
Costume DesignThe Young Victoria
Best DocumentaryThe Cove
Best Documentary ShortChina’s Unnatural Disaster
Film EditingThe Hurt Locker
MakeupStar Trek
Best Original ScoreUp
Best Original Song The Weary Kind, Crazy Heart
Best Animated ShortA Matter of Loaf and Death
Best Live Action ShortThe Door
Sound EditingAvatar
Sound MixingAvatar
Best Visual EffectsAvatar
Best Adapted ScreenplayUp In The Air
Best Original ScreenplayIngloriousBasterds

_______________
Steve Martin: For me, hosting the Academy Awards is like making love to a beautiful woman. You can only do it when Billy Crystal's not in town...
--"The 73rd Annual Academy Awards" (ABC)

all that is Golden...

2010-01-19T08:23:00.008-07:00

Invesco Field at sunset the other day....

______

Time once again for a running diary of "The Biggest Party In The World", The Golden Globes... although to me it looks kinda boring just sitting at 8-tops and having camera guys buzzing about.. but whatever...

Date: January 17, 2010

Event: 67th annual Golden Globe Awards

Their Location: Hollywood

Our Location: The TVGuy Mansion (now in HD!)

Our Furniture: Comfortable Bean Bag Chairs

5:00pm - Hello everyone... been awhile and everyone here is filled with joy provided by Mr. Favre's performance over the Cowboys... and what better way to finish off the day than by being subjected to arguably the worst preshow of any awards show.. well, in the history of mankind... let's see what happens...

5:04pm - Apparently it's sprinkling in Southern California.. umbrellas are everywhere.. can't say I ever remember rain on an awards day...

5:06pm - Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas seems like a pretty cool gal, grounded and all...

5:07pm - Tracy Morgan of "30 Rock" offers this nugget... "It's fun to work at 3o Rock"... thanks Tracy, do people there laugh a lot on the set also??

5:09pm - January Jones ("Mad Men") poses for our Golden Globes 'Fashion Camera'... all three shots are out of focus... a bad omen...

5:10pm - Marion Cotillard is nominated!! (I admit I have no idea who that is...)

5:11pm - Our intrepid reporter Billy Bush says to Bradley Cooper "Look at you, all covered up with that umbrella..." Cogent analysis... I have a feeling we'll be talking about umbrellas a lot today... you know, because it's sprinkling outside and all...

5:18pm - Billy Bush narrowly avoided a puddle...

5:19pm - Look, I don't want to pick on the guy, but he just said to an actress "So, when you walked outside today did you know it was raining?" 50-50 someone stabs Billy Bush with their umbrella in less than an hour...

5:20pm - TVGal not enjoying the preshow as much as usual as she's been fighting a virus on her PC all afternoon... owning a Mac, I just offer support even though I don't really know what you do when your computer is attacked by a virus....

5:21pm - I don't know if I like Stella Artois beer because it tastes good, or because it has its own special glass... kinda snooty, no? What happens if you poured it in a regular pint glass? Do women stop talking to you at bars? Further research is needed....

5:24pm - Gerard Butler is being interviewed.. he doesn't have an umbrella... I really don't have anything to add here except I don't really care for Gerard Butler....

5:25pm - Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford... weirdest successful celebrity couple ever, right?

5:27pm - A preshow reporter tells Simon Baker that his hair is matted from the rain... Simon doesn't look thrilled to hear this....

5:29pm - Just when I think I couldn't love Robert Downey Jr. any more, he basically blows off the clueless reporter after mocking her gently... well done RDJ...

5:30pm - Ah, it's "Sir Paul McCartney"... ugh. It's not the 17th century, can we all agree not to bestow titles on people any more? Duke? Earl? Sir? How about "Blowhard"?

5:31pm - To match his ego, Sir Paul's umbrella is about 24 feet across.. my parents patio umbrella was smaller than that....

5:32pm - There is always a production error in this show and it hasn't happened yet... I'm concerned...

5:35pm - Checking the oven for the official snack of the TVGuy Mansion, Totino's Pizza Rolls.. just about done...

5:36pm - I wouldn't name my dog "Sigourney", let alone my daughter... Mr. & Mrs Weaver, you've got some explaining to do....

5:37pm - Sandra Bullock was just offered a Golden Globes Snuggie by a reporter... civilization is set back 20 years or so...

5:38pm - Sandra Bullock shuns the snuggie... civilization is restored to normal...

5:39pm - Penelope Cruz.... crazy beautiful, no? (And then she opens her mouth... what's up with that voice? Yikes!)

5:39pm - Tobey Maguire is introduced with his "beautiful wife"... "beautiful" being thrown around here a little loosely... Billy Bush grills him about what is going on with "Spiderman 4", unfortunately for Billy that news is a week old and everybody already knows... even Maguire looks amazed to get asked that question....

5:41pm - Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts rip NBC... well done...

5:42pm - Line of the night so far... during the toss to another reporter...

Billy Bush: Natalie, take it away!

Julia Roberts: Who's Natalie?

5:50pm - Dinner prep begins during the 3,109th commercial break... tonight, a light asian salad, Jalapano Cheese Bread and Baked Ziti w/Smoked Sausage Casserole... no way I can screw this up....

5:52pm - Yes! After a commercial break a reporter begins an interview and about 7 seconds in they stop... and you hear a floor director off to the side... "Let's start this again... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" and then the interview starts once more... excellent!!! I knew you guys could do it...

6:00pm - Our show begins.. the host is Ricky Gervais who I greatly enjoy so I'm looking forward to his witty quips.. looks like he's lost about 35 pounds... and he joins in the BashingNBCCoalition that has seemingly formed overnight...

6:05pm - Gervais is killing it... side note, I've never seen the British version of "The Office"... yet greatly enjoy the American Version... go figure...

6:07pm - Only took 7 minutes in for the GiveMoneyToHaitiNow speech, courtesy of Ms. Nicole Kidman.. if you live in New Orleans, are you a little pissed right now? I think I would bedi...

6:11pm - Matthew Fox of "Lost" (cannot wait for the final season premiere in a few weeks.. CANNOT WAIT...oh, sorry, where was I...) is presenting with someone who can't speak English... what a treat...

6:12pm - And our 2010 Miss Golden Globe is Mavis Spencer!! Woohoo!! (okay, I don't have any idea who that is, but "Mavis"? Really?? What, "Doris" wasn't available that day? "Mabel"?)

6:18pm - "Up" wins best animated film, and the award is given out by "Sir" Paul McCartney... not to be all nitpicky, but you've been coasting for about 30 years now right "Sir Paul"?? And no, we're not counting your work with "Wings".... just sayin'.....

6:25pm - Yep, the Baked Ziti/Smoked Sausage Casserole is mighty tasty... Smoked Sausage is criminally underrated, right?

6:31pm - mgnekd dksfulllf diest aendeimm mmbbbmbb (mouth is full)

6:35pm - Michael C. Hall sporting what looks to be a "cancer hat"... apparently he is doing well in recovery though...

6:45pm - Someone hops on stage with sunglasses on... as the old saying goes, only two people wear sunglasses indoors... Stevie Wonder and assholes...

6:49pm - TVGal and I turn to each other simultaneously and ask the question "When was the last time you've seen Cher?" Kinda creepy... TVCat on the other hand is wondering if there is any smoked sausage left...

6:56pm - Hey women of Earth, little message from TVGuy here... ready? Okay...

Eyeliner sucks.

Just thought you should know...

7:00pm - Meryl Streep wins for "Julie & Julia", which TVGal and I both quite enjoyed... but as with virtually all films last year we watched it at home.. I saw exactly 1 film in theaters last year... and when I bought my HDTV I also got the same film to give the BluRay player a test drive ("Star Trek")... as much as I enjoyed it in the theater, I have to say I liked watching it at home better.. If it wasn't for all the push to go see "Avatar" in 3D it might be months before I ever step foot in a theater...

(TVGuy note: I did see "Avatar" Monday afternoon and all the things I hated about going to the movies were present... People texting, check. Peope eating wayy too loudly, check. People talking during the film, check. Expensive ticket prices, check. Having said that, sweet Jesus was that an amazing looking movie... James Cameron is a genius in every way except screenwriting... but wow, what a fun movie to watch... I'd almost call that movie "Astonishing" if it wasn't for the cliched characters and clunky dialogue... big thumbs up anyway though...)

(TVGuy note 2: I've lost the rest of my running diary.. alas.. we'll have to leave it off here.. but don't worry, the Oscars are just around the corner.. and yes, we'll have an Oscar contest going up here shortly)

_____________________
Seth Rogen: It is a true honor to finally be presenting here at the Golden Globes, although honestly I wish I got to do this a long time ago in a different era in Hollywood, perhaps. Maybe like the 80s, you know, that way instead of being drunk with Mickey Rourke tonight I'd be doing cocaine with Mickey Rourke tonight....
>>The 66th Golden Globe Awards" (FOX)

Treading Water, Part 2

2010-01-17T11:28:00.006-07:00

Gilpin County railroad last summer on a Colorado Mountain drive in the TVGuyMobile.....

________

My friend Jana and I were chatting via email about bottled water and other things that just piss us off and I blogged the conversation about 12 weeks ago... no excuses other than that photography is sort of taking up my online free time these days... but I'll try to get back at it with a brief Part 2 of the conversation between us and then a running diary tonight of the Golden Globe awards....

without further ado.... we had left off talking about energy drinks but Part 1 is just down below this entry if a memory jog is needed (not that I see why, I mean, 3 months between posts? C'mon...)

Jana: Oh, I hate energy drinks and the four square miles of space that they take up in my grocery store. Well, wait, back up. I guess I don't hate the drinks themselves. As with the bottled water industry, I have to applaud the manufacturers and marketers, to be honest. They've figured out that we, as consumers are idiots and can be talked into buying anything. It's the American way, right? Capitalism works. I hate that we're not smart enough to see the marketing guy standing behind the curtain.

This is an actual press release from Target Energy Shots, a company coming out with a new energy drink called "Gorgeous", to be sold in a small, vibrant pink bottle. I'm embarrassed to be a woman when I read this:

Chris Onslow, MD of Target, said: “The healthy energy shot market is gaining momentum, but many of the products have quite a medical or masculine image. As far as we’re concerned, pink is the new black, and we’ve designed Target’s Gorgeous to be the coolest fun fashion accessory for women, as well as being an energy shot.“The small bottle easily fits into a handbag and appeals to those on a calorie-controlled diet. As Gorgeous only contains the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee, it gives the consumer an energy boost without the sugar and high concentrations of caffeine of more traditional energy drinks. We also anticipate Gorgeous becoming really popular on the club scene and in the gay market.”

And quite frankly, I thought the gay market was smarter than that. And you know what? Women will buy it. They'll buy it because it's pink and it's tiny; like Paris Hilton's dog. AND it's called "Gorgeous". So if I drink it, I must be pretty, right? The beautiful thing is that there isn't even a hint of dishonesty here; they're laying it all out on the table and calling it a fashion accessory. A six dollar coffee cup ornament.

TVGuy: Wait, Paris Hilton's dog is Pink?? Hmm... anyway, to me energy drinks all taste the same, and kinda shitty to boot... in the spirit of science and all that is truthful and right I will try "5 hour energy drink" and one giant metallic can of AtomicJaxxBlast or whatever the hell the first one is that I grab next week and give it a try and report back... I will not be having "Gorgeous" however... I just hope TVGal doesn't read this (a perfectly sane woman who enters Target and would spend 10,000 dollars on Jelly Beans and Snow Tires if they were on sale just because its Target...)

I think there is some low-level hypnosis being perpetrated on the fairer shopping sex because to me, Target is just K-Mart... cheap crap with a high gloss sheen of White Trash over all the clothes... I simply don't understand why it is any better than any other giant store filled with miscellaneous crap....

Jana: I went to Target last night. Am I the only one to whom Target could also be called The $100 Store? I walk in and no matter how trivial the items on my shopping list; $100 is automatically added to my Visa bill. It’s much like driving through an open road toll. Just go through the door. $100. Forgot my keys on their counter. $100. “Hey, I didn’t see THOSE!” $100. OOOH! Coke Icees! $100. I can always find something more. As I walked through the doors last night I was met with a global announcement of “Code Yellow, Code Yellow! Attention all employees, we have a code yellow!”.

The timing of my entrance was such that I was certain that whatever code yellow meant, it was being directed squarely at me. Several thoughts went through my head as to the meaning of a code yellow:

a). this person’s Visa card is completely maxed out, do not extend, repeat, do NOT extend any form of credit, or...

b). this person is a chronic over-purchaser/returner of goods and “code yellow” was the cue for the snipers who would surely appear from behind the clothing racks and $1.00 item display to take me out.

I like to visit all of the various Targets in the two-state area since I’m quite certain that there is an 8x10 glossy of me in the back room of my neighborhood store with a heading “Shops on-line and returns EVERYTHING”. For some reason, stuff always seems so very necessary at 2:00 a.m. and the allure of free shipping is irresistible, not to mention how much it brightens my day to pull in the driveway and see a large cardboard box on the front porch. It always makes me laugh when the UPS guy hides my shipment under the door mat.....

There…..you can’t see that at all.

TVGuy: I just have to interrrupt and say that is just about the funniest damn thing ever... wow.. I'm speechless.. I'm without speech.. I have no speech...

Please continue...

Jana: It became apparent fairly quickly that in the world of Target, code yellow is the term used to announce that a child has gone missing within the store. I felt badly for the visibly shaken mom at the front providing the description of her son, and made a mental note to keep my eyes open for a brown haired boy wearing black pants and a denim jacket. At the same time, I was severely impressed by the magnitude and organization of the response going on around me. From every direction people in red shirts sprang into action with walkie talkies, barking out their locations within their particular zone, as the description of the child was being sent out to every corner. It reminded me of that scene in The Truman Show where every last person joined in the search for Truman, and I fully expected that I too would be walking arm in arm with flashlights and dogs and sirens blaring. OK, there weren’t any dogs or sirens and the lights were on, so no need for flashlights, but still, I was getting caught up in the drama of it all. Then, from over one of the radios came the update “he’s 13 years old”….. wait a minute. THIRTEEN? Really? I was immediately resentful that I had been sucked in and my emotions had been toyed with for the sake of a teenager who was, and I wish I could prove this, surely in the video game section playing with the X-Box 360 display. Or maybe he was just standing there watching another kid play Mario (I don’t get their fascination with standing there and watching others play), but I’m pretty sure that’s where he was. When the all clear was announced by Jason in electronics, it confirmed, for me at least, that my hypothesis was correct. I wanted to know where mom had thought to look, didn’t she immediately think “Hmm, Halo 3 ODST was just released….” That’s just a basic mom maneuver that she failed miserably. As I was driving home I realized that I may have judged mom too harshly and I’m admitting that now, after the rant. But my respect for the organization of those Target team members remains unwavering. Perhaps we should send them to Afghanistan and give them a go at finding Bin Laden. You know, a fresh set of eyes.

And for anyone scoring at home, I spent $97.84.

TVGuy: And if you're not scoring at home, why not buy your wife flowers once in awhile?

(Hey Now!)

Getting back to Energy Drinks for a second, May I ask a question? Why the hell is everyone so damn tired all of a sudden? All people do is sit in a chair and type.. why this collective exhaustion? How the hell did my mom and dad get anything accomplished without Monster Energy Blow 5000!!!! Now in Mountain Mist and Purple Haze!!!!

Kids are lazier and fatter than ever... we didn't have any fat kids in my neighborhood growing up... know why?

We RAN everywhere..

When we rode our bikes it was at top speed until we couldn't pedal another foot.. and we didn't need any goddamn energy drinks.. unless you count Mountain Dew as an energy drink... (remember those green 10 ounce glass bottles? Ahh.. memories...)

But I digress...

In the world of TV though everyone is attractive and lean.. not really a cross-section of America..

Like those Michelob Ultra commercials where the good looking, active couple are out working hard, exercising hard and then drinking smart with the low cal choice of Mich Ultra, which has only 96 calories.. (I saw a billboard with Lance Armstrong on it peddling (unfortunate pun, but still) this stuff.... made me a little sad and I'm not sure why... anyway...)

So you're saying, wow, that's really not very many calories! Good for you Michelob!

Not so fast..

Here are some other light beer counts...

Amstel Light beer 93
Blatz Light beer 94
Bud Light beer 107
Busch Light beer 112
Carlsberg Light beer 112
Coors Light beer 105
Heidelberg Light beer 114
Keystone Light beer 100
Miller Lite beer 97
Milwaukee's Best Light beer 99
Molson Light beer 109

My point? All light beer is low in calories... (by the way, did you know that the term "light" refers to the color of the beer and not the calorie content?)

Anyway, you want to lose weight? Stop ordering food from the front seat of your car...

Speaking of which, if you had a gun to your head, what is your one guilty pleasure Fast Food Restaurant? The caveat? It must have a Drive thru.. what say you?

Jana: Honestly Greg, if I had a gun to my own head, I'd put it down. If you had a gun to my head, I'd ask you to point it elsewhere.

(TVGuy Note: Never gonna happen.. the British aren't coming any time soon... guns suck... sorry... where were we?)

If a crazed lunatic had a gun to my head and demanded that I tell him my favorite drive thru guilty pleasure, I'd have to think about it. While I do enjoy a decaf non-fat white chocolate peppermint mocha with whip from Starbucks (has a drive thru, it counts), I have had it up to here with their tall, grande, vente system of sizes and I feel like a pretentious poser every time I order. Trying to be a good local citizen the other day, I pulled up to the speaker at a family owned neighborhood coffee shop and ordered a beverage. The only problem was that they didn't indicate the details for how they define their sizes. I was literally stymied, didn't know how to proceed. I actually said "I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your sizes, what do you call a medium?" and the response came back "we call it a medium". Then I saw a bright light rising from the building and heard the angels sing, "AH AH AH AH AH AHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH". They call a medium "medium". I completed my order, wiped away the tear and proceeded to the window where I left a substantial tip for Terry as I assured her that I would be back. Medium is medium. I will most definitely be back. But I digress, back to the question at hand. I wish I had a ready answer, like this tasty item that I just saw advertised at Hardees:

It's a French Dip Thick Burger. It's roast beef AND a burger. It's artery clogging AND blood pressure raising. It's simultaneously repulsive AND covetous. But I've never had one of these, so I guess I can't count it. The last time I ate at a Hardees was at NorthPark Mall in Davenport, Iowa when I was in junior high. They had a row of booths that looked like a train and we always wanted to sit in the engine booth (who wouldn't?). These days I don't hit the drive thru very often but if I had to pick place, it'd have to be Taco Bell. You can go there for the fourth meal of the day, you know!

TVGuy: Fast Food generally sucks, although I have to say I do enjoy Taco Bell from time to time, and their Fresco "lowfat" menu is actually tastier than their regular stuff... that commercial campaign with the lady who dropped 50 pounds by eating there from time to time might actually work... seriously, try a Fresco Soft Taco and tell me its not good.. I dare you.. wait, where were we??

Oh yeah, you posted a photo of the RoastBeefBurger from Hardee's... just two things and I'll wrap this up...

1. I've also eaten at the Hardee's at the NorthPark Mall in Davenport... about 83,241 years ago.. but still...

2. I think I've got that burger beat... here is an oldie but a goodie TVGuy entry from 2006... I apologize in advance...

Until tomorrow (really.. tomorrow.. not next August...)

_____________
Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it....
--"Caddyshack" (1980)

Treading Water, Part 1...

2009-10-31T18:27:00.012-06:00

Flour Mills Lofts, Denver....

_______

This is Part 1 of a really elaborate email conversation my friend Jana and I are having... I am enjoying it so much I thought I'd share... here is her initial email...

______

Jana: It's water in a box.!

Yes, Water In A Box

______

TVGuy: I feel like Bruce Banner after he's been tossed around by some thugs for a minute or so... not quite ready to turn into the Hulk, but things aren't looking good for the thugs if my meaning is clear...

Almost nothing makes me angrier than Bottled Water... the fact that we dump millions of metric tons of plastic containers into landfills annually when in fact that very substance housed on the inside of the plastic comes out of your tap for about... you know... far less than a penny... what are you people doing?

How can Dasani and Aquafina still be in business? You are essentially taking your money and lighting it on fire.. and now there are Juice Boxes that contain water so "kids will drink it"???

I didn't have juice boxes of water as a kid... you know what we had? An empty glass! That we filled up from the faucet!! Or a garden hose on a hot summer day!!!!! I can't stop using excessive punctuation I'm so angry!!!!!!!!

Look, there are 2, and only 2 reasons to ever drink bottled water.

1. Your tap water tastes like the inside of a shoe (yes, Indianapolis, I'm talking to you...) But 98 percent of American towns dispense perfectly fine drinking water.. so shut up and open your faucet and put your glass under it and drink it already....

2. You need water for hiking or some other sort of physical activity and you've forgotten your water supply but you need portability.

That's it. No other reasons. Bottled water isn't "better" for you or "cleaner" or any other of the bullshit words that bottlers of this virtually free substance put in their marketing... would you pay for oxygen? Sunlight? Of course not. Stop buying water you idiots....

Oh, and Wateroos? This is in their FAQ...

Q: What is purified water?

A: Well, it’s the same type of water found in many adult bottled water brands that are labeled “purified drinking water” (good examples are Aquafina & Dasani).

Yes, those are good examples, because Aquafina & Dasani use Goddamn Municipal Water in their bottles... AAAAIIIIEEEE!!!!!

I hesitate to ask the question Jana, but do you buy bottled water? How say you?

_________

Jana: Well Greg, yes. Yes, we do drink bottled water in my family. We drink A LOT of bottled water, as everyone should. But not just any bottled water, we drink the very BEST bottled water...

That's right, it's JANA bottled natural artesian water - bottled at its pristine source, in the picturesque Croatian village of St. Jana. I know, I had you then I lost you. Is there a greater oxymoron than picturesque Croatian? (Well, maybe there are greater oxymorons, but that's a pretty good one). I dare you not to conjure up an image such as this when you hear the word Croatia:

Well, that was just sarcasm, you know, we don't really drink a lot of bottled water. BUT If we did, it would be new Chocolatemint Water from Metromint. Here is some of their marketing magic:

Chocolatemint water combines pure water, cocoa essence and real mint. Metromint is launching the product during the Halloween season in a bid to target consumers in search of a sweet treat with fewer calories. "A healthier Halloween doesn’t have to be bland," said president, Scott Lowe. "With Chocolatemint, you can still get your chocolate fix without sporting a costume or trick-or-treating for sugary candy." And at a price of a mere $38.00 for a case of 24, who doesn't want to run out and pick up five or six cases in order to hand them out to trick-or-treaters?

All I can say is if someone put a bottle of water in my plastic pumpkin bucket when I was a kid, the trees in their yard would be filled with toilet paper in the morning.

I do have to applaud the promotions people who are pushing this stuff. They've clearly figured out that we'll buy anything if it's packaged nicely and talked up enough. Case in point: the Snuggie. Or energy drinks. Don't get me started on energy drinks. You drink them, don't you, Greg?

______________

TVGuy: (Ignoring the fact that there is a bottled water named Jana for just a minute...)

I hate energy drinks... hate hate HATE energy drinks.. how the hell did the founding fathers get through the day without Krank, HighVoltage, Amp34... etc... ?? Do you really need extra "energy" to play video games, sit around and watch TV, etc??

God the Bottling Industry really pisses me off... but longtime readers of TVGuy know this because of the post that brought Steven Seagal front and center....

Seagal and You!

Anyway, I don't want to get away from the subject of bottled water... seriously folks, STOP DRINKING IT... it's like a magician has boonswaggled America on stage right before he cuts Miley Cyrus in half with a saw.. wait, that sounds like a good idea... wait, I've lost focus.. where was I...

Oh yeah, water... I was at the store the other day and was behind a couple in the self checkout line and the woman was explaining to the man why she had two cases of Aquafina... "It's healthier!"

Inside I screamed "AAAAIIEEEE" while outwardly speaking loudly "Actually, no, Aquafina is purified water from Detroit.. you are just taking your money and destroying it for no reason at the molecular level..."

The guy turned around, asked me if I was serious... I replied I was... and he took the two cases and returned them down Aisle Seven.... my work there was done...

When you email me back Jana I'm going to hope that you aren't an energy drink fiend... or we are going to have a problem... what say you?

(Part Two next week...)

__________________
Penn: Consumers are offered water with names conveying pure and pristine water sources. Ever hear of Alaskan Falls water? That must come from the crystal-clear glacial waters of our 49th state, right? Sorry, folks. Alaskan flows from this liqui-box corporation building in Worthington, Ohio. Does the brand Yosemite conjure up visions of the cool, prestine waters rushing through California's high sierras? Well, then the marketers have done their jobs. The source of Yosemite bottled water is actually 400 miles away in Northwest Los Angeles...
--"Penn & Teller: Bullshit!" (Showtime)

anonymously yours...

2009-06-16T16:43:00.002-06:00

The back of a nearby Interstate 25 sign....

_____

I've often griped about Internet message boards and the hateful childish commenting done by folks who hide behind screennames like BikerBoy34, PuddinPop32 or StillLiveWithParents012... time will not look back favorably on this period of Internet Gestation...

The sometimes naive parental take on this is of course "Don't say anything privately you wouldn't say to someone in person"... which also happens to be both naive and incredibly true...

From my pulpit here at TVGuy I often rail against certain groups, factions, tv stations, shows, movies, etc... and admit fully that my perspective is often fueled by sarcasm...

It's always easy to criticize rather than seek for solutions... and perhaps I should do a better job of seeing the good in people and things.. heaven knows with the Fox News Channel out there the number of people who yell at others increases almost exponentially every day...

Why bring this up?

I'll tell you...

I received two "letters" from "anonymous" after posting my last entry (our monthly or so mailbag)... I had used a previous anonymous comment left a few weeks ago as a comedic crutch for... well, here is the letter and my response..

>>Welcome back. i have been checking to see if you were blogging again. Im glad you're back and i hope you continue to blog for years to come. As i said in a previous post, i love your unique take on everyday life and quick wit. KEEP BLOGGING DAMN YOU!! LOL

--anonymous (via blogger)

TVGuy: That's really nice... but for the love of God, who are you???? The anonymity of the internet really pisses me off sometimes... this could be someone I dated in High School or a serial killer in cellblock C in a SuperMax facility somewhere... I'm both flattered and looking into handgun procurement... fortunately it doesn't happen very often..

So you see, I made a point that it being anonymous makes it impossible to figure out who its from, which I think anyone would agree can be both flattering and somewhat scary....

I received this response the next day from "Anonymous"...

>>I was just trying to be nice and let you know that i enjoy your blog. I`m neither a serial killer or someone you know from high school. I guess that will teach me to leave a comment and compliment someone. Maybe i should send you a comment that you suck and i can`t stand reading your stupid blog then maybe i won`t be categorized as some serial killer wacko. Don`t worry i won`t send you anymore comments.

--anonymous (via blogger)

So obviously "Anonymous" isn't a fan of my blog, or they wouldn't be so unbelievably thin-skinned... besides, why would you care if I made fun of you? No one knows who you are!

But I can (perhaps) see why they might be upset, hence my comment earlier about maybe being a kinder, gentler TVGuy... more of a "Little House on the TVGuy Prairie" sort of feel... kickin' it old school on Walton's Mountain perhaps...

While I make my decision, here is today's comment from someone else going by "Anonymous".. I'm assuming it's a different one, but who the hell knows....

>>Please stop blogging. You`re not funny or creative. You give bloggers a bad name..

--anonymous (via blogger)

(Now that I look at the comments, "anonymous" uses a ` symbol instead of an ' symbol for contractions in both letters, so maybe it is the same person... hmm... anyway... )

So let's break down that last letter, shall we? It submits three items for discussion very quickly...

>>They want me to stop blogging.

>>I suck.

>>The fictional group "bloggers" is being slandered by me somehow... I think I also irritate "humans" and "people with opposable thumbs", but we'll save that for another time...

As if I would read this and think "Yes, I should stop this instant. Thank goodness for that advice!" Why even take the time to write anything at all? It's patently ridiculous and a waste of their time and mine... seriously, what kind of a nutjob composes, writes and then sends this shit to people??

But then I think, hmm... maybe this new gentler kinder TVGuy could look at it differently?

Because the older, meaner TVGuy would have immediately written a multiple-choice response like the one below...

Again, the original comment...

>>Please stop blogging. You`re not funny or creative. You give bloggers a bad name..

--anonymous (via blogger)

Normally I would have saved this for a future mailbag and responded as such...

TVGuy: Thanks for writing! Let's come up with a multiple choice quiz for "Anonymous" shall we? Which of these is how I would like to respond?!

A) I hope you swallow poison ivy....

B) What was your GED score anyway?

C) Do you tell people that you stopped sucking your thumb at age 19?

D) I wouldn't attend your funeral, but I'd send a nice letter approving of it...

E) There is nothing wrong with you I can't fix with my bare hands...

F) Go Fuck Yourself.

Yep, definitely struggling with being a good or evil TVGuy.... we'll open the envelope and see if we find any answers there...

(opening fictional envelope...)

And the answer is...

Wow, I am evil... turns out it was a trick question "Anonymous"...

G) All Of The Above

_________________

Abby: An anonymous tooth brush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with typhoid Mary's straight razor....

--"NCIS" (CBS)

letters, we get letters...

2009-06-09T16:59:00.018-06:00

St. Mary's Glacier and Lake, taken this past weekend...

________

Let's take a break from our critique of our 5 local TV stations and dip once more into our overflowing mailbag... without further ado...

>>TV's Greg...Hey, I wanted to alert you of a blog I began following while you were on hiatus that I think you will enjoy. It is http://www.nerdist.com/ by Chris Hardwick...yes, that Chris Hardwick of the 90's famed Singled Out with Jenny McCarthy on MTV. And, who could forget Shipwrecked the beloved dating game on a boat... Anyway, I think you will enjoy not only his humor, but Tech-goodness. Anyway, let me know your thoughts.
--TV's Scott

TVGuy: Well, upon visiting his site (which was quite fun upon first glance) I found an article ripping into the movie "Back to the Future"... my friend Todd is the world's biggest BTTF fan and I forwarded it to him BEFORE reading it... so I may be reading a story about him in the paper tomorrow (Local Man stabs others, self, with toy DeLorean)...

I work in a building with about 2,302 other people so there are quite a few different types of cars in our parking lots.. for awhile last summer there was a DeLorean there.. haven't seen it much anymore but I'm kinda surprised those "gull-wing" doors never caught on...

I mean, pretty cool, right?? Anyway, enough about that... next letter!

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>>thanks for sharing this interesting information, but I accept through your blog you are adding "business videos" but your blog is really cool and knowledgeable information...
--"business videos" via Blogger.

TVGuy: I've read that sentence 34 times now and I still have absolutely no idea what any of that means... can anybody help out here?

It's like those maddening Japanese/English translations that you see on imported products that make no sense whatsoever... like "Puppets in pantry are full of whimsy and knowledge" or “Cold liquid not made from epson ink, but with heart of dragon.”"

I was making some curried chicken with rice for dinner on Sunday and needed Fish Sauce... our local grocer didn't carry that particular product so I drove down Federal Boulevard to the Asian Marketplace... have any of you ever shopped in a Japanese market? It's nuts, right? Let me count the ways...

Just try to get someone to help you... (go on, I dare you...) all the workers there are wearing street clothes and no name tags or hats or aprons or any other damn markers singling them out... and when you do finally spy someone stacking Blue Gorilla Liver or whatever it is on a tray and ask them where something is you always get the same answer... "djejke ekwe huh?"

Look, I get that I'm in the minority here as there were 100 Asian shoppers and about 14 Americans... but all these people live in America, so actually there were 114 Americans... and our language, our currency of words if you will, is English... would it kill you to hire someone who knows what the hell "Peanut Oil" sounds like? I mean, I'm shopping in Denver in 2009 for god's sake... not 50s Tokyo... just meet me in the middle is all I ask...

The maddening Japanese/English translations just piss me off the more I think about it... again, we're about a decade into the 21st century... there are translators all over the internet... multiple sites that can translate "Sobameshi" into "Fried Noodles with Rice".... and not "Bulletholes are Fancy with Butter" which is what I normally see... There is an aisle in the middle of the store that has a sign above it that tells us that in this section of the store you can find both rice and "Pickle With Fish"... what the hell does that even mean??

It's bullshit. Just like every damn Mexican restaurant in town has a takeout menu with 12,143 grammatical errors... this isn't hard.. find a smart friend of yours, have them look it over, and fix the mistakes... thanks in advance...

(note: There was a guy behind me in line who had nothing in his cart, but was in the checkout line anyway... he was staring intently at the "Hello Kitty Candy Lip Balm" for quite awhile.. and eventually took it and put it in the shopping cart... I'm not even sure what to say about this so let's get to the next letter, okay?)

Oh, one last thing.... the Curried Chicken with rice was absolutely delicious and I'll make this point again... cooking with a wok is both easy and fun... just ask TVGal about my Kung Pao Chicken... I could sell that dish on a street corner out of a cart... anyway...)

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>Welcome back. i have been checking to see if you were blogging again. Im glad you're back and i hope you continue to blog for years to come. As i said in a previous post, i love your unique take on everyday life and quick wit. KEEP BLOGGING DAMN YOU!! LOL
--anonymous (via blogger)

TVGuy: That's really nice... but for the love of God, who are you???? The anonymity of the internet really pisses me off sometimes... this could be someone I dated in High School or a serial killer in cellblock C in a SuperMax facility somewhere... I'm both flattered and looking into handgun procurement... fortunately it doesn't happen very often...

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I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often. Keep it up...
--anonymous (via blogger)

TVGuy: AAAIIIEEEE... (placing aluminum bat under bed for protection... back in a sec...)

See, here's the thing... you get stuff like that and you think for a few seconds that your shit smells a bit sweeter than your neighbor who just walked by wearing a shirt without sleeves and looking a bit like Kelsey Grammar who just got out of a charity dunktank... but then you look at the last 500 searches that brought traffic to your blog and you get this (I'll spare you and give you just the most recent ones...)

--urnial flush
--decibel urinal flush
--french tv guy
--shave my back
--dryer sheet
--bacon flavored mints
--tom green
--slutty hot chicks
--bigfoot
--that's not cheese
--tv shows
--hobby lobby
--ashley judd
--reindeer in a can
--itty bitty funtime
--eight is enough wedding
--heinz ketchup
--purr like walrus
--fun burp
--helga the stomping mare
--creepy pennies (I swear I didn't make that up)
--supergirl free photo
--loud clapping
--tv shows
--milk gravy
--guy who sleeps in laundry
--tvguy
--superhot muffins
--top tv shows
--milky breath
--smelly
--drinking one's urine
--gorilla fart
--potato racism

So if you need info on creepy pennies while eating superhot muffins and drinking your own urine, apparently I'm the one stop web destination... ick. Anyway...

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>>I loved the Weird Foods article you wrote, but I haven't seen any of those products in my store... did you make them up?
--can*****12 @yahoo.com

TVGuy: I assume you mean this page... and no, those are all actual items, albeit some of them found internationally rather than locally...

But while we are talking about the supermarket again, can I bitch about the generic charities you are now asked to give to when you are in the checkout lane? As I was entering my PIN and other info a screen came up to ask me "Would you like to Roundup your bill to donate to People With Disabilities"??

"People With Disabilities"?? What the hell is that?? How about "United Way" or "Salvation Army"... I have no idea where my money is going there... what, we couldn't strike a deal with "Tummyaches International" or "BooBoo Colorado"?? C'mon! You gotta tell me the charity! So until you do, I'm keeping my nickels and pennies. Thanks anyway...

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>>What's better? Hot Dogs or Hamburgers?
--billt**** @earthlink.net

TVGuy: That wasn't his whole email.. I often just take an portion that I want to talk about here... but I will say that there is just no answer to that question. I mean, it's literally impossible for me to choose...

However, when it comes to hot dogs and hamburgers I have some thoughts...

1. To my friend TV's Matt, I'm sorry but Ketchup has absolutely no place on hot dogs. None. I won't discuss this further...

2. It's weird that there is no ham in hamburgers, right? Is this why we've added bacon to burgers now sometimes? And is there anything that isn't better with the addition of bacon? I'd like to publicly thank the pig while I'm here.. way to go porky...

3. A little grilling tip from TVChef Mario Batali which we have wholeheartedly embraced here at the TVGuy mansion... add a quarter cup of BBQ sauce to your meat (with salt and pepper also) before forming into thin patties.. they get extra crispy on the edges on the grill, and the BBQ sauce doesn't really make them taste like barbeque, but it gives the meat a nice moistness that I'm not sure I can do without from this time forward...

4. There are many people out there that turn their noses up at hot dogs on the grill and say things like "oh, I never eat those.. do you have any idea what they put in them??"

To those people I respond "Shut The Hell Up"... it's not 1963 anymore... you're basically getting meat in casings here... and they're delicious... period. If you don't eat any meat because you are a ~~Food Terrorist~~ Vegetarian that's fine.. but leave the rest of us alone as we smile and reach for the spicy mustard, okay?? Thanks in advance...

(They're invariably the same people who don't like Christmas "Because It's Too Commercial"... yeah, if you don't like happy kids who squeal like diabetic seals that morning ripping open their gifts around a tree decorated with twinkling lights while some breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls are filling the house with smells that are just one small iota beneath what Heaven must smell like, then go move to another country. Seriously. Just pack your stuff up and go away. God, I hate those people... anyway...)

5. There is no answer to the question "Do you want cheese on your burger?" that is acceptable other than "Yes"...

6. There are certain smells that just are hardwired in human's DNA to enhance the pleasure centers of the brain... and stuff on a grill is near the top of the list... you could be grilling a tennis shoe and I'd argue it would at least smell good.... so get out there this summer and do some fish or beef or something on your Weber, won't you?

Where were we...

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>>Did you see that the guy who dresses up as Peter Pan on the world's worst website got married recently?? I dare you to watch the wedding video....
--and*** @aol.com

TVGuy: Ha! Way ahead of you...we watched it at work the other day.. all three videos actually and it was both hilarous, creepy, disturbing and UnableToRemoveEyesFromScreenForOneSecond Fun! I'll link to the site, but from there you are on your own... warning... seeing his photos where he is dressed as a bunny may cause Retinal Damage... good luck... Off To NeverNeverLand

(Seriously, his site has over 10 million hits and mine has less than 150,000?? Why the hell am I even writing anymore....sigh...)

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>>I just read your Urine Therapy article (forwarded to me by someone.. I wasn't Googling Urine Therapy.. honest!!) and I laughed so hard I scared everyone in the office. Thanks so much...
--gmar***** @yahoo.com

TVGuy: (then again....)

____________________
>>Xander: Ooh, Sunnydale bus depot. Classy. What better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine....
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)

fourdom....

2009-06-08T17:23:00.002-06:00

Driving to St. Mary's Glacier this weekend I took this shot of Interstate 70 heading to the mountains... (as with most TVGuy photos, clicking on it makes it magically grow...)

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Last week we tackled Channel 2 in our tour of local Denver newscasts.. oh, I'm sorry.. "The Deuce"...

Anyway, as we continue in numerical order, next up.. Channel 4 (CBS)

Assignment: To watch all 5 local news channels in one week, both morning and evening permutations...

Location: The TVGuy Mansion, not yet in HD sadly...

Dates: Weeks of May 18th & 25th, 2009.

This Week's Channel: 4 (CBS)

First off, I want to say that a former co-worker and friend of mine, Duncan, is a producer at Channel 4... fortunately, I don't fall in the demographic range his station is trying to hit, namely anyone born between February 1947 and... umm.. well, before there were cars...

Again, we continue on with our old friends Good, Bad and Ugly...

Good: As we all know by now, nothing is more annoying onscreen than the 834 tickers of stock, news, sports, weather, stocks and recipe information that seemingly most stations now feel obligated to put up there... I mean, what on earth am I supposed to be paying attention to??

Channel 4 has stripped it down to the bare essentials and given us 1 thing, and 1 thing only... the forecast for noon, 3pm and 6pm with the time and temperature.

Let me just say... god bless you. Perfection. Simple, EXACTLY why I would turn on the tv in the morning... nothing scrolls on the screen, just the single most important thing a local news source can tell me.. is it going to rain today? Again, thanks. (A little more of this would be great, but it's about all I'm going to sadly get...)

(Okay, I'll throw a few more out there... did the Nuggets win last night? Major Traffic Screwups? Death of a VIP? That's it.. nothing else... just rotate those four things endlessly... thanks in advance..)

Bad: The weather graphics here aren't any better than they were over at "The Deuce"... it's like we're going backwards technology wise... c'mon, have you people seen Google Maps?? Get with the program!

Ugly: Channel 4 "right-justifies" its graphics for the forecast like stations have done for decades.. that is to say, they are pushed over to one side of the screen while the weather person is keyed over them on the other side... unfortunately, Channel 4 never puts anyone over these graphics.. it just looks sloppy and lazy...

Bad: Live Copter 4 is on the scene at 6am to tell us that... well, the roads are pretty clear out here... you know, LIKE THEY ARE EVERY SINGLE DAY AT 6AM.... I hate TV traffic...

Ugly: Our chopper folks tell us helpfully though that you've GOT to be careful out there, because it's SUNNY!!! AAIIEE!!

Look, they invented the sun visor about 12,125 years ago.... we've got it covered... thanks though...

Bad: Our male anchor (I watched for an hour and never saw his name on screen... I have no earthly idea what his first name is.. honest... let's call him "Tank"....) badly needs some hair gel... the top of his head looks like a summer dandelion...

Good: Gotta say, the background graphics used for Channel 4's full screen information is just great... I mean, I wish it was the background for my home computer... really nice, words are easy to read... me likey...

Bad: Having said that, there is no real way to discern what year we're living in while watching Channel 4 news... could be 2009, could be 1992.... it's a crapshoot really...

Ugly: My least favorite affectation local stations have begun in this, the "Age of the Internet"... yes, it's "Viewer Opinions"... the News4 anchors sit and read off their computer screens what some people have "written" in to them in talking about the stories... it's every bit as boring and frustrating as it sounds...

Listen, "Norm from Aurora" needs to get the hell out of my living room... your station has paid you people to have some sort of skill at newsgathering... I DON'T CARE WHAT 2 RANDOM PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT A CITY-COUNTY BOARD MEETING.... it's just really lazy and stupid and good lord I hate it just about as much as anything...

As I'm about to find out, my hatred will be compounded by the fact that they do this about 5 times an hour... it's the opposite of news. I mentioned I hate it, right??

Ugly: It's 6:30am, and that means we'll get to the day's top stories and... er... oh god, no... MORE VIEWER INSTANT MESSAGES....

Let me throw one in a little late.. "TVGuy from Denver" thinks Channel 4 has its head up its ass...

Bad: I still have no idea what the first names are of either of our anchors... they have as much chemistry as sulfur and water...

Ugly: Gloria Neal joins us to... ummm.. I really don't know actually, other than to say she sits on set for about 5 minutes talking about one story "in-depth"... I know her name is Gloria Neal because EVERY SINGLE SECOND SHE IS ON AIR HER NAME GRAPHIC IS AS WELL... it's like she's wearing a name tag... I'm utterly baffled... she also says "Honey" about 3,225 times in 4 minutes...

Ugly: I'm told our copter reporter is a "Traffic Specialist"... what a load of crap that is... hey, it gets busy at Rush Hour, then tapers off after that... look, I'm a Traffic Specialist!! Weeee!!

Let's get to the evening newscast, shall we??

Ugly: The 2nd segment begins with an unbelievably cheesy shot of the four anchors sitting around a table laughing and talking as if they were actually friends while we get their first and last names read to us (thank god I know who someone is!!) But it's just crazy cheesy... I couldn't hate it more...

Bad: Tonight's weather graphics are brought to us by the year 1998...

Super Duper Ugly: There really is nothing to comment on with this show.. it's perfectly servicable but is the same show that was done 10 years ago... there is nothing whatsoever to distinguish it from anything else... I'm not convinced the "anchor team" likes each other, or for that matter knows what everyone's name is....

But the worst part about this newscast is the commercial break after sports where the female anchor tells us "We'll be right back"... then the viewer is asked to sit through 2 minutes of commercials and then we get a TEN SECOND last segment where the anchor team says "thanks for watching" and then they are squeezed back to a graphical representation of them on an internet page... which is odd because the web is what's killing this Informational Dinosaur... but again, you asked me to sit through 2 minutes of commercials so you can basically say "goodbye'....?????!??

Couldn't we have covered that earlier? Have some more stories in the other segments? You're asking me to sit through paid ads so you can say "see ya"???

Guess what... I'll join you... to everyone at Channel 4 news I'll say "See Ya"... like, when I'm 67 years old... til then, you're on your own...

TVGuy Rating (out of 100): 17

_______________________

Sheldon: I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.

--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

dropping a deuce...

2009-06-01T09:12:00.013-06:00

Guanella Pass, 2008....

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As newspapers continue to fall by the wayside I thought I'd check in with our local Denver TV stations and watch their news efforts... mainly because I hadn't watched an evening newscast seemingly since Galileo walked the Earth... the Internet is killing the "old school" forms of news distribution, and why not... Back in "olden days" you had two ways of getting news..

1. Bobby throws a rolled up paper in a plastic bag on your lawn at 5:45 a.m.

2. "Chet" and "Jennifer" read 6 stories on your local tv station (one usually involving a puppy) and then 2 minutes of commercials...

Having folks sit at a desk in business attire and give you 10-12 stories in a half hour format is pretty much the worst possible way to get information... but perhaps things have changed since I last directed a local newscast (4 years ago)...

So I decided to DVR the morning shows and late night newscasts for all 5 networks here in Denver... I'm taking the punishment here so you don't have to... just another community service from all of us at TVGuy... we'll go in Numerical order because... well, that's just what most people would do, right?

Assignment: To watch all 5 local news channels in one week, both morning and evening permutations...

Location: The TVGuy Mansion, not yet in HD sadly...

Dates: Weeks of May 18th & 25th, 2009.

Introduction: Since it's Numerical order, first up is Channel 2.... oh, I'm sorry, "The Deuce"...

Yes, "The Deuce".... arguably the dumbest thing I've ever encounted in all my years in this industry... Channel 2 wishes to be called "The Deuce" at every opportunity... on my cable guide it actually says "Daybreak on the Deuce"... the General Manager thinks its cool, or so I've read in our local papers... the General Manager is of course, completely wrong..... it's incredibly stupid.... I've talked with a few folks who work there and they couldn't hate it more, complain about it constantly, and have had no positive feedback for it since it began.. and yet, "The Deuce" perseveres.....

(Note: In the interest of full disclosure, Channel 2 has merged buildings with Channel 31, my old employer... so I do know a few folks still working there... not surprisingly, most of them are miserable... just like when I worked there... it's never really been a "happy place.")

(Note 2: Fortunately for them, Jan Blair, Clyde Becker, Jon Takayama & Bill Schneider (known as "The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse") are no longer working there... else they would truly know the meaning of "miserable"... but I digress...)

Let's dig in.. first up, the morning show.. we're being helped out here with our old friends Good, Bad and Ugly....

>>Good - No one is wearing a tie. God Bless whoever allowed that to happen... why people on newscasts have to look like bankers all the time never made any sense to me..

>>Bad - "the Deuce" is on every graphic, every name identifier, everywhere... I'm convinced the news team has had it tattooed to their biceps... I've mentioned how much I hate "The Deuce", right?

>>Ugly - Our lead story has our intrepid reporter talking about gas prices... one place has gas at 2.13 a gallon, another has it for 2.14... so you'd better "shop around" to find the best price... because at 2.14 a gallon, that's going to cost me 14 cents more for a fillup.. thanks.. thats very helpful...

After she does her intro, we go to videotape of THE EXACT SAME GAS SIGN THAT WAS BEHIND HER DURING THE LIVE SHOT, EXCEPT NOW ITS DARK OUT... honestly, meaningless cover video just irritates me to no end.. this isn't helping out the viewer in anyway whatsoever.. it's lazy and just horrible news judgment.. of course, when the video runs out we are back to the reporter with the same sign behind her... I'm now jamming knitting needles into my eyes...

>>Good - Tom Green (our tie-less lead anchor) is far too good to be slumming on this newscast.. it's like watching David Letterman working a Rotary Breakfast... he's flinging one-liners all around and no one reacts to them...

>>Bad - Chick Fil A sponsors "Traffic on the 2's"... and at 6am there is predictably... no traffic. I'm no expert, but I'm guessing it picks up around rush hour, then is fine until late afternoon when a lot of people get off work, like say... 445pm?? Just guessing here though... again, I'm no expert...

>>Ugly - Production values are really sloppy... audio trails into the next story often, the station Time & Temp Bug in the corner frequently covers up lettering on story graphics... reporter reads from a notebook for 30 seconds while the video which is supposed to be on screen covering this is nowhere to be found... etc... it's like watching a college TV Station kinda....

>>Bad - Going to commercial breaks a graphic over a shot of the city informs us what song we're listening to... I only wish I was kidding... what's next, riddles?

>>Ugly - Weather graphics look like they're from 1995. Very unappealing. Which is surprising because "The Deuce" is in the same building as Fox31, which generally has outstanding weather graphics.. hmm...

>>Ugly - The Weather Team is known as "Storm Force". (I'll pause while you finish giggling...) It's on the background of the weathercenter on two humongous signs in case you forget... the problem (one of them anyway) with calling yourself "Storm Force" is the 300 days of sunshine Denver receives a year... if there isn't a storm, you look kinda ridiculous...

>>Bad - Angie Austin shows up as our Entertainment Reporter... she used to weather for the Channel 2 NewsTeam not that long ago... I remember liking her weathercasts.... now she is reading 25 second stories out of Entertainment Weekly... I actually feel sad for her right now...

>>Ugly - Actual exchange...

Angie Austin: Natalie's yawning a lot this morning.

Tom Green: That's because she's tired.

(Awkward laughter ensues...)

>>Bad - 2 minute story on a Jesus-shaped Cheeto. No need to go any further there, right?

>>Ugly - "Kurt The CyberGuy" ~~showing many examples why the Internet is Destroying Local Newscasts~~ gives us a report on who we should be following on Twitter that has not one single second of useful information. In other news, I hate "Kurt The CyberGuy".

>>Bad - Chris Parente shows up as the SarcasticWackyMorningReporter. I'm informed by my old friend "TV's Scott" that Chris Parente is an old fraternity brother... If he's a friend of TV's Scott, then I'll cut him some slack...

>>Good - Tom Green makes a comment about throwing a large piece of rock at Chris Parente.

>>Bad - Turns out it was just a joke. Damn.

>>Ugly - I'm told to go to their website for more information about 5,193 times, so I do. What I find there is so awful I think my eyes are bleeding. It's really just about the worst website ever. On the front page is a message board where people can just rip on the newscast and it's instanteously posted.

Let me say that again. Anyone can type whatever they want and it shows up on the front page of the website. I'm actually stunned by this. Let me throw a little bit of advice to the webmaster over at Channel 2... REMOVE THIS FEATURE IMMEDIATELY!!!!!! Always to happy to help.. where were we...?

>>Ugly - Reporter Leland Vittert gives us a story about kids and handguns and something else but I stopped listening after about 5 seconds because he looks like he couldn't give a shit about kids and handguns and whatever else... I could bring up the story about the time when Leland introduced himself to my wife twice in less than a minute, completely forgetting that he had done so 40 seconds earlier, but I'd rather focus on the fact that in his website bio it lists the word "taxpayer" as two words and just move on....

>>Bad - Waaaayy too much orange in the color scheme here folks...

>>Good - Tom Green comes back from commercial with a dog in his lap. Better yet, it is never explained why he has a dog in his lap. I like Tom Green. I like Dogs.

Moving on...Okay, time to tackle the evening news quickly....

>>Good - Everyone is standing.. no news desk.... I like it! Edgy!

>>Bad - Everyone is wearing a tie though... apparently news in the evenings is more important than news in the mornings....

>>Ugly - The sports guy's first name is "Zubin". I can honestly say I've never heard that name before... I can honestly say that I've seen the "WackySportsGuy" shtick about 11 million times though... ugh.

>>Good - Kim Posey, Channel 31 reporter stops by. When you look up the word "nice" in the dictionary, Kim's picture is always there....

>>Ugly - We have two reports from "The Internet Cafe". Where "Nina" shows you websites that are far more interesting than "The Internet Cafe". I think she just gave us a link for KillingLocalNewscasts.com... I hate "The Internet Cafe".

(I remember reading somewhere that the GM or News Director or someone high on the food chain wanted to make their newscasts appeal to "Young People". Apparently this is why the show is on at 7pm. Let me again help you folks out here... "Young People" don't watch the news. Ever. EverEverEver. Okay? I mean, EVER!)

>>Bad - Evening Weather Graphics still suck.

>>Ugly - Even though we don't have it during this show, "The Deuce" has local bands play in studio during their shows... I'll pause briefly as I know you are now overcome with hysterical laughter.. it's okay, I can wait....(Having local musicians play on your newscast would be great if, you know, "Young People" watched hour-long newscasts. Since they don't, it's a really shitty idea.)

>>Good - Everyone stands at the end while my old friend Fox31 SportsGuy Chris Tanaka putts a ball towards the camera... I like the standing thing with no desk.

Conclusion: Once a really good morning show, "Daybreak on the Deuce" now is... er.. well, not. The evening show is utterly forgettable in every way, except for the things that you remember that make you want to rub gravel into your scalp vigorously (Internet Cafe, house bands...)

If it wasn't for Tom Green, I'd consider taking "The Deuce" out of my channel lineup at home.

TVGuy Rating (out of 100): 12

(And naming your station after a synonym for feces really is ridiculous. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. There's still time to change... remember New Coke? Just sayin'....)

Next Monday: Channel 4 (not "The Double Deuce" or "The Quattro" as far as I can tell...)

_______________________
Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then I still don't care.
--“Newsradio” (NBC)

bad, bad movie...

2009-05-16T06:48:00.007-06:00

Denver Botanic Gardens at Chatfield Resevoir last Christmas...

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Only one thing could bring me back from hiatus and that of course is Bad Movie Monday... wherein a collection of my friends and I subject ourselves to the worst that Hollywood can throw at us... the very first BMM was "From Justin To Kelly" and "Gigli" which has yet to be topped for sheer numbing awfulness.. but we must keep trying or else we grow stagnant as human beings, no? Thusly, once more into the filmic breach we go...

Event: Bad Movie Monday XIII

Place: TVGuy Mansion

Date: April 27, 2009

11:45pm - It's about time for the 13th edition of BMM and our first two arrivals are old hands at the torturous process... James From Work and TV's Matt arrive, Matt bringing some sort of blackberry ale that is intriguing and yet I'm not offered any... hmm... anyway, sadly we must report that Special Guest Star Ernie has left Colorado for the East Coast and so with that opening we are joined by...

11:52pm - Yes, it's 5 O'Clock Jeff! (he makes Abraham Lincoln look like a hairless albino.... the nickname is a play on 5 O'Clock Shadow, which really doesn't make any sense because Jeff hasn't had that since grade school, but the nickname has been approved by all and thus we move forward...)

12:00pm - Whilst we consume the official snack food of TVGuy, Totino's Pizza Rolls, lunch preps are finished up and the first DVD is inserted into the player.... this afternoon's double feature is inspired by people we work and have worked with at the Mtn. Sports Network... our first film is "Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon", which was made with the help of some guy named Pete that was a camera operator for us on a freelance basis many moons ago and supposedly did something on this film which is unverifiable because he used a "stage name" or something... regardless, we'll be powering through it with a hot and tasty lunch... speaking of which...

12:03pm - Sloppy Joes are on the menu, for two reasons... firstly, they're delicious and highly underrated... and secondly, they are reddish loose meat, much like the Yeti's victims will be shortly... they are accompanied by Tater Tots, for two reasons... firstly, they're delicious and highly underrated... and secondly, their all-american potatoey goodness represents our last film of the day.. but more on that later...

12:06pm - Beginning our film while wolfing down the Joes and Tots (both delicious and highly underrated as we've learned earlier) we are horrified that the name of the film has been shortened to just "Yeti"... no "Snow Demon" or "Curse" for us... does this lessen the film's impact? Who knows? Undeterred, we move on....

12:10pm - Our movie opens with a snowy scene in the mountains with multiple trees in the background and an onscreen caption tells us that we're at 19,000 feet... which is all well and good.. unless...

5 O'Clock Jeff: Isn't timberline around 14,000 feet?

TVGuy: Oops. Not off to a good start...

Matt: Casting in this film by "Random.org"

12:10:40pm - Yes, 40 seconds into the film the Yeti appears!! Wow, talk about not holding anything back! Less than a minute and our title antagonist is on screen!!

James From Work: It's the opposite of "Jaws".... an hour before we see the shark... maybe they know something Spielberg doesn't...

12:16pm - Now we're on an airplane, which is filled with college football players and is flying over the Himalayas and... er... wait a minute... the Himalayas??? Okay...

12:17pm - The quarterback's name is... wait for it... Peyton Elway. I only wish I was kidding....

12:18pm - Again, I just want to point out that the plane is flying over the Himalayas!! The school's name is the unbelievably generic "State College"...

James From Work: They're obviously going to be playing "Tech University"...

TV's Matt: Maybe they're flying over the Himalayas so they can play "Nepal Tech"...

12:20pm - One of our 19 year old football stars has perhaps the worst facial hair known to man... which brings up the age-old question...

TVGuy: What's scarier, a soulpatch or a yeti?

12:23pm - The airplane effects are clearly from the test laboratories of the Nintendo Wii... I'm not even sure if they are in "2D"...

12:25pm - Our plane is just skimming the mountaintops... which doesn't make any sense because most commercial aircraft are about 5-6 miles up in the air... how do we know this? Because we've got another guest, that's how! Please welcome...

12:26pm - Everybody Loves Robert has arrived (an obvious homage to the CBS comedy and Ray Romano... who was invited today to our little moviefest but strangely didn't return my multiple calls.. anyway...)

12:27pm - "Everybody Loves Robert" is the brother of 5 O'Clock Jeff, who strangely both have the same birthday, but in different years... what are the odds! (365 to 1 actually, but why quibble...) Anyway, Robert works at the Denver International Airport and brings up about 2,341 aircraft errors made by the producers of this film... but since the movie has a Yeti in it, accuracy isn't our first goal here...

12:29pm - As Robert makes quick work of the remaining Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots, both highly underrated and tasty, our plane crashes in the mountains....

12:35pm - The Yeti himself (I'm assuming gender here) is being played by a guy in a pretty lame suit... but every once in awhile the 3,000 bucks the producers had to render our apelike friend in CG pops on screen... basically they were able to afford two different effects (running and jumping, more on that in a minute) and edit them in different ways yet use the same effect over and over... I'm pretty sure I paid more in college tuition my freshman year than was spent in post-production on this film....

12:39pm - Our one Asian football player is being pursued by the Yeti, which prompts the day's most tasteless joke...

James From Work: (as Yeti) Hmm.. I haven't had Chinese food in awhile...

12:42pm - A severed arm is used as a splint for one of our characters... I don't know what else to add to that...

12:43pm - Seriously, a severed arm... befuddlement has cast a deep shadow over our little film party...

James From Work: Here, let me lend you a hand...

TVGuy: He's going out on a limb...

12:47pm - In all honesty, the acting really isn't that horrible and the scenery isn't bad.. a lovely snow covered mountain shot is shown...

TV's Matt: "Warren Miller's 'Yeti'", now in Imax theaters...

12:53pm - The football team has a yard marker as used by officials during the game... sure, you're asking yourself "What, the team has to bring the stadium equipment with them??" And you'd be right in questioning that... but since our lead actress has sharpened one end of the yard marker and has just now thrown it as a javelin to kill a "Himalayan Rabbit", maybe there is another question you'd like to ponder... like.. "What the Hell is Going On??"

12:57pm - Our Yeti has just eaten two more college students... that guy can certainly pack on the pounds....

TV's Matt: Apparently the Yeti doesn't suffer from "Food Comas"....

TVGuy: Is he susceptible to Tryptophan?? How many turkeys could he conceivably eat?

1:00pm: Quite the exchange...

Student #1: What could be stealing these dead bodies?

Student #2: My only guess could be "A Giant Ape"...

yep, just the conclusion I'd come to... I'm guessing these guys aren't honor students...

1:10pm - Two rescuers spy our Yeti-plagued students through a set of binoculars, putting them about 500 feet away... amazingly, they decide to sleep in and arrive on the scene about twenty-four hours later!! I'm not making this up...

1:15pm - The "Jumping Yeti" animation is used about 8,310 times in the next two minutes... I'm not sure I can describe this properly, but I'll try... the Yeti walks/runs slower than your arthritic grandmother, but yet can jump about 30 feet in the air and at incredible speeds... he's "Spider-Yeti"... it's really about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen... and keep in mind I've seen many Ben Affleck films so that's really saying something....

1:19pm - One of our rescuers is introduced as "Fury"... kind of what I'm feeling towards the film's producers... how fitting...

1:23pm - The Yeti rips off someone's arm and hits them with it... let that be a sign that you're having a bad day....

1:25pm - My god, there are two Yetis! Out of nowhere a second one has emerged... which begs the question.. what is the plural of Yeti anyway? Is it "yeti"? "yetis"?

1:28pm - Thankfully, the film is over... beaten a bit senseless by that nonsense, we load our 2nd feature into the DVD Player... our friend James Bates (who had a bit part in an Adam Sandler comedy) is fourth billed in "A Small Town Conspiracy"... I mean, he's in the movie trailer as the fourth lead! ("...and James Bates" says the announcer guy...)

We are all mightily excited... we'd be more excited if this film was actually commercially available in the United States... TV's Matt bought it off of Ebay from someone in Greece. I'm not making that up... which means the DVD onscreen directions are in Greek...

I think "Av0pwttoc UetPOv" means either "Play" or "The Tiger is in the Laundry"... either way, we'll select that and get started...

Note: Our film was originally called "Florida City", but is now "A Small Town Conspiracy"... I really wish they had kept the original title for two reasons...

1. "Florida City" actually isn't the name of a city...

2. Our lead actor says the words "Florida City" about 3,902,109 times in this film... I'm not sure, but I think he's from Florida City.. hard to say though...

1:45pm - We are witnessing someone inventing, for the first time, a "Breakfast Sandwich"... (the film is set in the 1940s, days before the attack on Pearl Harbor)

1:49pm - The lead actress in this film is 83 years older than the guy she is dating... major ick factor everytime she appears...

TV's Matt: "Mrs. Doubtfire" was hotter than her...

1:59pm - Our barkeep has more shoulder hair than the Yeti... ew....

2:04pm - There is a pay phone bolted to a fence in someone's yard... worth noting...

3:00pm - Look, I just can't bring myself to talk about this film... it's paced slower than a glacier... it's slooowww... Remarkably, our friend James acquits himself well against arguably the worst acting in a lead role I've ever seen... that guy sucked. Wow... the yeti was better than he was... That film was punishingly uninteresting... our group is almost sleepy at this point... I'm never watching "Florida City" ever again.

Until then, good day...

________________________
Larry: Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was..
--"The Daily Show" (Comedy Central)

ta ta for now...

2009-02-26T10:40:00.003-07:00

Sanibel Lighthouse....

______

Here are the final results of the Beat TVGuy Oscar contest... there were a few entries that only had one difference out of all the picks.. unfortunately, RonD's one difference with mine proved my undoing... as well as Katie and Susie...

21 Ron, Katie, Sue

20 TVGuy, Remidos

19 Matt

18 Danny

16 Rodney

14 Todd

13 MamaPrice, HVTV, Grove, Blum

12 James From Work, Statman, Cece

11 Jill, DH, PriceClub

10 Joe/Cari, TVGal

9 Wise, LDL, Sosa, TVTV, Jay, LSC, Judi, Jodi

8 Hanson

7 Rob

5 Brandon

_____

With about 9,034 other things I need to attend to in the upcoming months this site will be updated incredibly infrequently from this point forward... I've got about 9 new software programs to learn, 331 books to read, 14,513 photos to process and 5 golden rings... wait, that's not right... anyway, I'll pop in when the mood strikes but for the 13 of you that stop by every once in awhile... you may want to make that once in a blue moon for the foreseeable future...

Until next time.... later...

___________________
Jeremy: If not now, when? If not me, then who?
Casey: Later and somebody else...
--"Sports Night", (ABC)

oscar picks...

2009-02-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

Guanella Pass, Autum 2008...

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As I'm now on an Island off the coast of Florida, recapping the Oscars and the results of the Beat TVGuy contest will probably occur sometime Thursday morning... but in the interest of fairness, sportsmanship and all that other crap, here are my picks for Sunday night's ceremony....

BEST PICTURE Slumdog Millionaire

BEST ACTRESS Kate Winslet, The Reader

BEST ACTOR Sean Penn, Milk

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight

BEST DIRECTOR Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY Dustin Lance Black, Milk

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM Waltz with Bashir" (Israel)

BEST ANIMATED FILM WALL-E

BEST ART DIRECTION The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY Tom Stern, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST FILM EDITING Slumdog Millionaire

BEST COSTUME DESIGN Jacqueline West The Duchess

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE Man on Wire

BEST ORIGINAL SONG Jai Ho, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE Slumdog Millionaire

BEST MAKEUP The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

BEST SOUND EDITING The Dark Knight

BEST SOUND MIXING The Dark Knight

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM Spielzeugland (Toyland)

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM Presto

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT FILM The Witness - From the Balcony of Room 306

have a good week, won't you?

________________________
Larry: Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was...
--"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)

25 things...

2009-02-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

Another shot of a lake midway through our annual drive through Guanella Pass... this is the official TVGal Picnic Spot... she actually claimed the lake for herself and renamed it... local and state laws and regulations have never been a big concern for TVGal...

____

So there is a meme floating around Facebook these days that has grown to monstrous proportions... you are supposed to reveal 25 things about yourself in a list and then forward the thing around in chain letter fashion... (wow, I hadn't thought about chain letters in years until just now...then again, "Pet Rocks" popped up in my noggin yesterday... I may have low-level Mercury Poisoning... but I digress...)

Claire Suddath wrote an article in TIME Magazine about 25 things that she didn't want to know about you... these things were culled from various people's entries and compiled...

That article proved so popular (and provoking.. I'm sure her email inbox was filled with "How Dare You Mock This!?" missives...) that she wrote another "25 things" article..

Anyway, here are a few of the things from both lists that made me laugh...

(I've added one in here that is actually a true thing about me.. see if you can guess which one... answer at the end of the blog entry...)

1. I eat tacos with a fork...

2. I almost stole someone's cat last weekend...

9. I can't grow hair on my arms...

10. Two of my friends are under five feet all and I have an intense fear of midgets...

14. I wrestled a hippopotamus..I used a wrestling move and it went unconscious...

15. I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur...

17. I have a giant ball of yarn in my closet...

20. Danny DeVito broke my pinky toe...

21. I once sent a teacher into early retirement by pretending to be a cheetah and swiping at her from under a desk...

23. My friends say that when they shave my back, I purr like a walrus...

Anyway, her original article is here... in the interest of full disclosure (and the 9 of you out there in North America not on Facebook) I present my 25 things... but before I do, you must know this...

>>I wrote this list in under 2 minutes.. literally... thus..

>>It may be 25 things, but it's not the 25 Most Important Defining Things About Me. Okay?

Good.. with that out of the way...

_____

25 things about TVGuy...

1. I have never sent a text message.

2. I believe putting ketchup on a hot dog is a criminal offense.

3. The two things I miss most from my childhood are kites and fireflies.

4. I have eaten 1 PB&J in my life.

5. The inventor of Levi’s Button-fly jeans should receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. (I haven’t purchased a pair of zippered jeans in.. .well, ever.)

6. Cookies and Brownies should appear on more restaurant dessert menus.

7. The Honda Element is quite unattractive.

8. I believe that if someone could genetically engineer golden retriever puppies to remain “puppy-sized” throughout their lives they would be billionaires…

9. I’m not religious by any measure, yet I enjoy Contemporary Christian music.

10. My Ipod broke 3 years ago. I haven’t replaced it. Additionally, my television is almost 14 years old.

11. I would be less enamored of the workplaces I’ve inhabited these two decades if I wasn’t able to wear jeans and tennis shoes everyday…

12. I do not think monkeys or babies are cute. At all.

13. I’ve been to 44 states… pretty sure Mississippi won’t ever be checked off that list…

14. Speaking of travel, I have zero desire to visit the Far East.

15. This will be the first summer of my adult life that I will not be participating in a softball league. My first concession to the aging process…

16. Fruit should never appear on pizza.

17. I do not know my phone number at work. I’ve never called myself.

18. I believe apple juice to be inherently superior to orange juice.

19. The last day of a trip to Las Vegas is easily the worst vacation day one can have…

20. I have a healthy fear of heights. Or is that respect?

21. I’ve never been skiing or scuba diving.

22. My biggest regret in high school was not taking Spanish.

23. I make a pretty mean pot o’ soup.

24. Green is my favorite color. I think.

25. I’d pay a significant amount of money to have my birthday changed from Christmas Day to any other day…

____

So there you have it... that's my list and I'm sticking to it...

And as for the one thing from the TIME list that was actually mine? Well, that's going to be my next blog entry... but for a sneak preview, I bring you the year 2004 which included this photo...

Quite a yarn, no? More later...

_________________
Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.
Liz: "MILF Island"?
Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.
Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF...
--"30 Rock" (NBC)

on Broadway...

2009-02-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

more Guanella Pass photography....

_____

Driving to work the other day I had to take a different route as I had an errand to run... this led me to Broadway Street... notable in our fair city of Denver (at least to me) for two reasons...

1. It may be the greatest example of stoplight synchronization in Modern American History... I've gone 50 blocks without hitting my brakes once... of course this makes me wonder WHY THE HELL AREN'T ALL MAJOR THOROUGHFARES LIKE THIS?? Ahem.. but I digress...

2. Every town has one of those streets that is sort of decaying but was at one time a major source of commerce... filled with strange shops that made perfect sense in the 60s and 70s but now are being clubbed over the head by Wal-Mart like a baby seal...

Broadway is Denver's version of this street...

As I had my camera with me and a little time to kill I stopped here and there and snapped some quick shots... so please, join me for a little trip down Broadway, won't you?

12:13pm - When's the last time you went shopping for a record player? Well, if you're in the market for one let me help ya out....

Doesn't this beg the question... is there a turntable sold anywhere on the planet that ISN'T on sale? People are paying full price for record players somewhere? Isn't it like going to buy a video game system and paying $350 for Pong? Just wondering...

12:21pm - If you're anything like me, you can never have enough Novelty Apparel.... fortunately Leonard takes care of all of my Novelty Apparel needs...

Unfortunately he does this in a 2-car cinder block garage with no windows that I wouldn't set foot in on a dare... as I walked by I heard someone or something belch. Or scream. I'm not really sure now what the sound was, but it was a good chance that it wasn't even human... I quickly fled the scene...

12:25pm - Look, I know penmanship, grammar, spelling etc is a bit of a lost art... but this is just lazy....

How hard is it to spell "burger" or "across" correctly, and also write the sign so it looks like a professionally done piece of typography and a little less like something a serial killer would jot down? A little civilization is all I want....

12:30pm - My friend TV's Matt and I were discussing what job Brad Pitt would have to have that would prevent women from being interested in him... (TVGuy: AIDS Clinic Custodian... TV's Matt: Sewage Plant Custodian... with Cinema Ticket Booth Guy coming in a close 2nd for the both of us...)

Well, I think I may have a new answer... there are some new submarine sandwich shops in town called "Lenny's"... (I'm not sure if there is actually a "Lenny"... but I'm too bored to Google it so you're on your own...)

While "SignTwirler" might also keep Mr. Pitt from success with the ladies, this woman seemed to be having as much fun as humanly possible given her employment status...

The "Spicy Pickle" had different ideas on how to fill the position across the street...

Yes, they hire the homeless to sit in a pickle costume and recline in a chair and entertain the disabled as they walk by...

(My point being, next time you complain about your job remember.. it could always be worse...)

12:35pm - We've all seen Used Car lots and their less than impressive venues for schlepping old autos... but the name of this place struck me as particularly.. well, "innovative or exciting" weren't names that popped in my head...

Solid Cars? "Solid"?? As opposed to Liquid? Gaseous?

That's pretty weak. (Not sure what the Knight's Helmet on top of the sign is supposed to signify... "Yes, verily sir! Doth Volkswagen is idling near the forest!"

12:38pm - I've shown this store before as an example of maybe being a bit too focussed on one product...

(I wonder if they're "Solid Desks"? Anyway...)

Just a few blocks away you can buy the much needed desk accessory....

(Yeah, I probably wouldn't combine those two stores either...)

Apparently their sister store was having a going out of business sale...

Hard to believe that they were having financial difficulties given...

1. A Chair Store? Really?

2. The 2nd chair store was DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE OTHER STORE...

Obviously some Dartmouth Business School graduates at work here....

12:46pm - When you are writing an email or composing a thoughtful handwritten missive and wonder whether using an exclamation point is over-the-top, excessive etc... let this sign serve as a shining example that not every sentence can successfully utilize the Point of Exclamation....

(Good for You! I'm so excited!! Wheeeeee!!!!)

12:50pm - Look, I get that food places are competing mightily for your lunch dollar...

But "Freshest"? Look, unless I see you out back pulling tomatoes out of the ground, let's just say your sandwich is exactly as fresh as... well, all sandwiches, okay? (Which isn't happening because the only thing growing on South Broadway is the Unemployment Rate...)

How about lowering the price? Having something on special? "Freshest" isn't getting me in the door....

(Heidi's spicy egg salad on the other hand... mmmm...)

____________________________
Jack: He is not your friend, he's your opponent. He's going to try to grab all the marbles and it's our job to hide them.
Liz: That's not how you play marbles, Jack.
Jack: But that's how you keep them.
--"30 Rock" (NBC)