Summer thistle shot during a hot air balloon chase downtime in Boulder...
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It's wintertime, and a middle-aged man's thoughts turn to Peppermint Hot Chocolate. At least mine do. TVGal and I are generally a cup of coffee in the morning folks, but December is a perfect time to mix it up... We have a ton of tea at the house, but haven't dipped into that beverage pool in some time....
My previous experience with the tea industry, documented here, kept me away from the leafy beverage for months....
But TVGal received some tea as a gift from coworkers so we'll be having a tasting next week to complete my Tea Trilogy.. but to have a Trilogy, you need a part two... and the tea boxes in our work lunchroom have been bugging me for awhile...
I know what you're thinking... TVGuy, there is no way you can complain about boxes of tea. It's not possible... Is there nothing so trivial you won't whine about?
No. There isn't.
Let me explain...
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Look, I realize marketing folks have it tough these days, what with millions of customers from all walks of life sampling their products.. but the tea gurus at Bigelow aren't really even trying most of the time.. and yes, I have examples....
Let's start with a simple one...
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The Tea: Peppermint Herb Tea
The Description on the Box: Refreshing Peppermint
TVGuy: I think I'll decide whether its refreshing or not, but I can live with it... but this is about as good as it gets.. it's all downhill from here.. for example...
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The Tea: Orange Spice
The Description on the Box: A zesty blend of orange & spice.
TVGuy: I'm not sure here, but I believe that the two ingredients here are "orange" and "spice".
Look, when you are buying Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream you know it has mint and chocolate chips.. it's not on the carton top saying "A blend of chocolate chips and mint". McDonald's Cheeseburgers aren't a "blend of cheese and meat". We all get it. We've been to grade school... Is there anyone who reads "Orange Spice" and has any questions about what we're dealing with here? I'm quite certain they won't possibly repeat their mistake though.. let's move on....
Look, when you are buying Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream you know it has mint and chocolate chips.. it's not on the carton top saying "A blend of chocolate chips and mint". McDonald's Cheeseburgers aren't a "blend of cheese and meat". We all get it. We've been to grade school... Is there anyone who reads "Orange Spice" and has any questions about what we're dealing with here? I'm quite certain they won't possibly repeat their mistake though.. let's move on....
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The Tea: Cranberry Apple
The Description on the Box: Blend of cranberries and sweet apples.
TVGuy: Okay, we get it. It's cranberries and apples.... what else could it be???????? I'm not making this up, this is what's on the box...
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The Tea: Cinnamon Apple
The Description on the Box: Blend of apples and cinnamon.
TVGuy: Look, if you can't think of anything to put on the box text-wise how about more pictures of apples? Or cinnamon? But if the person drinking your product doesn't know that Cinnamon Apple Tea contains "cinnamon" and "apples", maybe they shouldn't be handling hot liquids at all, right? I mean, you aren't even trying at this point... that's beyond lazy. Why not just call your beverage "Liquid With Stuff In It"??
I'm just glad we're done with this.. next!
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The Tea: Fruit & Almond
The Description on the Box: Blend of fruit and almond.
TVGuy: AAAIIEEEEE!!!!!!!
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The Tea: Cozy Chamomile
The Description On The Box: Calming chamomile for quiet moments...
Let's move on to the website descriptions, where we delve in depth into the exciting world of tea branding....
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The Tea: Ginger Snappish
The Description on the Box: Snappy Ginger Herb Tea with Lemon.
Website Main Description 1: A snappy ginger herbal tea with lemon.
TVGuy: So apparently it's a ginger tea with lemon... huh. Who saw that one coming? Hard to figure with all these baffling tea terms like "ginger" and "lemon".... let's see if they delve deeper into these flavors...
Website Main Description 2: This delicious caffeine-free herbal tea is a blend of ginger with a hint of lemon.
TVGuy: WE KNOW. IT TASTES LIKE GINGER AND LEMON. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, PLEASE STOP !!
Ahem... please excuse me, where were we....
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The Tea: Pomegranate Pizzazz
Website Main Description 1: Refreshing sweet & tart taste of pomegranate.
TVGuy: Huh. That's not bad. Maybe they've got the kinks worked out....
Website Main Description 2: At last, the power of pomegranate in a tea bag... impossible, but true!
TVGuy: Then again...
Website Main Description 3: Leave it to Bigelow to blend 100% natural herbal tea with real fruit juice for a whole new concept in fresh brewed tea!
TVGuy: How is this even one iota different than Apple Tea, Lemon Tea, Blueberry Tea, Peach Tea, Unicorn Tea, Strawberry Tea, etc etc blah blah blah.... you take fruit and blend it with the damn tea... you aren't splitting any atoms here folks....
Website Main Description 4: Specially created for today's healthy lifestyles, this delicious tea is scrumptious either hot or iced and is great for the whole family... perfect for the kids....
TVGuy: Memo to Bigelow... if it's good for the whole family, that's all you need to say. That includes the kids. "Whole" = All the members of the family. Okay?
Drives me nuts... and yes, I made up the "Unicorn Tea" two sentences ago.. just wanted to see if you were paying attention....
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The Tea: Chamomile Mint
The Description on the Box: Comforting chamomile & "mmm"-mint.
Website Main Description: Soothing chamomile with a taste of mint.
TVGuy: And we're back to the creativity of a rock again... Chamomile. Check. Mint. Check. Got it.
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The Tea: Pumpkin Spice
The Description On The Box: Autumn spiced tea.
TVGuy: Do seasons have flavors?
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The Tea: Eggnogg'n (here we go...)
The Description on the Box: An "eggceptional" winter tea. (Kill me...)
Website Main Description: An "Eggceptional" Tea.
TVGuy: I'm imagining the focus groups are pretty much made up of preschoolers over at Bigelow...
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The Tea: Earl Grey
The Description on the Box: Tea perfectly flavored with natural bergamot.
TVGuy: Umm... I'll take your word for it that it's "perfectly flavored" but I think the bigger question is what the hell is Bergamot?? Whether it's natural or not, I've never seen that word before. I'm a little scared to tell you the truth... it could be those little plastic things on the ends of shoelaces... maybe the excretions of the African Dung Beetle... or something magical... like the essence of a rainbow, or a leprechaun's daydreams....
Either way it's going to be quite the discovery... I feel like Neil Armstrong getting ready to step foot on the lunar surface...
Let me head to Google.. back in a second...
(Googling...)
Oh. It's an orange. Well that sucks. Next....
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The Tea: Plantation Mint
The Description on the Box: You will find Plantation Mint a delightful flavor surprise.
TVGuy: No I won't. I expect it to taste like... you know... Mint. There will be no surprises here... unless of course you are African-American and wondering what the hell the word "Plantation" is doing as the name of a product in the 21st century.... let's wrap this up...
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The Tea: "Constant Comment"
The Description on the Box: Tea flavored with oranges and sweet spice.
TVGuy: This is apparently their best selling tea, and I have no idea what the heck "Constant Comment" means in reference to drinking tea. None. I mean, I literally can't hazard a guess. Can you?
(waiting....)
I didn't think so... let's head over to the Bigelow website and see if we can't suss this out.... because it absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, be that people 7 decades ago were so incredibly boring that orange flavored tea caused them to talk about nothing else... please, let it be anything but that...
From the site...
Over 60 years ago my mother, Ruth Campbell Bigelow changed the way we drink tea in the United States. An avid tea connoisseur, Ruth thought tea drinkers like herself would enjoy a more zestfully flavored tea. Happening upon a special colonial recipe that called for tea to be blended with orange peel and spices, she decided to try and re-create what she felt sounded like a wonderful idea. After much trial and error in the family kitchen, she finally hit upon what she thought was the best tasting recipe. After sharing samples with family, friends and acquaintances, one of them reported back that her new tea had caused nothing but constant comments.
That... well.. uh... hmm... honestly, that really doesn't make any sense at all...
That's ridiculous actually...
(1941 - Bigelow Kitchens)
Ruth: Here... try my new tea!
Carol: Sure... (takes a sip)
Ruth: Well??
Carol: It's good.. tastes like oranges.
Ruth: And???
Carol: Umm... (takes a second sip)... some spices too?
Ruth: Very good... what else??
Carol: Well.. it's hot?
Ruth: And???
Carol: Er... I don't know what else you want me to say here...?
Ruth: It's a lovely tea isn't it?
Carol: Sorry?
Ruth: Don't you have some other things to share?Carol: No. Not really.
Ruth: That can't possibly be true.. come on now.. give me your thoughts...
Carol: I'm uncomfortable right now...
Ruth: Feel what the tea feels...
Carol: You're a very odd person...
Ruth: Looking into the cup of tea what do you see?
Carol: Listen.. it's just tea...
Ruth: And you can't stop commenting about it can you?
Carol: No, you can't stop commenting about it... you are constantly commenting about that damn tea..
Ruth: The flavors remind you of a long sunday drive don't they?
Carol: I'm very, very uncomfortable....is there anyone else in the house?
Ruth: It's just us... and that wonderful tea...
Carol: (loudly) Help? Anyone?
Ruth: That's some tea though right?!
Carol: You've been drinking, haven't you?
Ruth: Yes! My new tea!
Carol: That's not what I meant...
Regardless, we'll give it a try in the TVGuy TasteTestLabs next week...
Now go sit by the fire with a cup of tea why don't you.....
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Sam: Nobody got hurt at the Boston Tea Party. The only people that got hurt was some fancy boys who didn't have anything to wash down their crumpets with. We jumped out from behind bushes, while the British came down the road in their bright red jackets, but never has a war been so courteously
declared. It was on parchment with calligraphy and "Your highness, we beseech you on this day in Philadelphia to bite me, if you please..."
--"The West Wing" (NBC)
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