Rude Awakenings...

The Road to Maroon Bells from this Autumn....

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Over the years I've given a dollar here or there to folks who ask for it... you know the ones... outside of stores, pushing shopping carts filled with the debris of others... but there is one group I will not give a second thought to..

The CardboardSignAtTheIntersectionGuy

Why? 4 reasons...

1. I've seen one guy sit down in a wheelchair after walking twenty feet at a brisk normal pace... pull an artificial limb out of a backpack, take off a shoe and shove the thing over a foot.  I've also seen them rifle through a backpack of twenty or so different signs, as if they are deciding what mood they are in and what neighborhood fits their tales of woe... I've also seen them listening to iPods worth more than my television set while answering their 3G Smartphones... In other words, I don't believe any of them.

2. The times I've offered to give them food or gift certificates have ALWAYS been met with "F* You, I want money".  Charming.

3. I've also had friends offer them work around the house, raking leaves or cleaning a cluttered garage only to be met with "F* you, I make 80 dollars an hour on this streetcorner"..... Lovely.

4. I simply can't stand the slow walk of shame as they walk by your car to ensure that you see them... I love being made to feel guilty for finishing high school and having a job... and being shamed into where I give my money to people less fortunate than me... nice...

Are some of them truly down on their luck? Of course... but there are city services.. go take advantage of them... and get out of these dangerous highway intersections and overpasses before you get hurt... unless your 2008 Volkswagen Jetta is parked nearby, then by all means have at it...

I've given people with pretty elaborate "I need 10 dollars for gas, here's my business card/phone number/whatever and I'llPayYouBackTomorrowPromiseThanksSoMuchStranger" stories 10 or 20 bucks and never heard back from anyone... I chased a guy once who took my 20 then turned around 2 minutes later and hit the same person with the same story... I took off my coat and glasses and went past him again and he started with the tale of woe once more.. I of course let him hang himself and then said I'd need my 20 bucks back... he wasnt very happy with me but I was quite a bit larger than him and my expression let him know that running away wasn't a good idea either....

My point being, I don't trust anyone anymore...

I bring this up because last night during the Broncos game I was out on my deck talking on my phone and a 45 year old guy dressed in business casual with a name tag on a lanyard said "hey, I thought I heard someone talking" and was looking at me.. I told the person I was talking to on the phone that I'd call them back and asked him what was up... which led us to this exchange....

GuyWithProblem: Hey, I ran out of gas... can you spare 10-15 dollars?

TVGuy: Umm... where is your car?

GuyWithProblem: Its at the stadium... (I live blocks from Sports Authority Field at Mile High)

TVGuy: I'll bring you down something.. hold on...

(one minute later)

GuyWithProblem: Hey, Thanks....

TVGuy: I have to ask... where's your wallet? You left the house without it?

GuyWithProblem: Yeah, totally forgot it.. and all my friends are at the game or watching it and can't help (holding his phone out)

TVGuy: Well, I have to tell you everyone I've ever given money to in this circumstance has totally screwed me...

GuyWithProblem: Oh, no.. not me...

TVGuy: So you'll pay me back...

GuyWithProblem: Oh yes, of course I will!

TVGuy: Well, where do you live?

GuyWithProblem: Not far, Lakewood (western suburb of Denver, 2-5 miles away)

TVGuy: 10-15 bucks seems a little excessive... I mean, a gallon and a half is getting you to the mountains...

GuyWithProblem: (hadn't thought that through apparently) well, I live pretty... far away....

TVGuy: How about 3-4 bucks.. that will get you 15 to 20 miles or so...

GuyWithProblem: Okay...(somewhat dejected..)

TVGuy: (hands over money)

GuyWithProblem: Thanks! (begins walking away)

TVGuy: Hey! Should we not talk about how you'll be paying me back?

GuyWithProblem:  Well, that was for 10-15 bucks... this is only 4, right?  You want this money back? Seriously??  That's pretty fuckin' cheap...

TVGuy: (wondering if I murdered him with my bare hands and tossed him between two tailgating trucks if anyone would notice) No, of course not.. could I get you a couple of beers for the walk back to the car while I'm at it?

GuyWithProblemNoLonger: (perks right up) Heck yeah!

TVGuy: I'll be right back down with a six pack...

GuyWithProblemNoLonger: Alright!

I of course never went back down... 

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I told TVGal a slightly less detailed version because she HATES when I speak up to total strangers in public... I do it probably more than I should.. but I can't stand rudeness and I won't abide by it if possible... if it's a 320 pound guy walking around with a machete, hey, the world is your oyster fella.... but if its a 165 pound 5'1" woman picking up a food order....

(a month ago... Papa Murphy's....)

I'm standing in line, and I'm next up after the lady at the register is done.. the door opens to my left and a VERY large couple, one of them quite blind with cane and sunglasses steps in behind me... I smile and turn back to the register, eager to snatch up what has easily become the favorite "delivery" pizza of those us at the TVGuyMansion... 

But wait...

The door opens again and the aforementioned 5'1" woman comes in and stands off to my left, looking up at the menu over me... as the woman in front of me leaves the register she darts in front of me and begins describing her pickup order to the cashier...

Flabbergasted, I turn behind me and the woman standing next to the blind guy shrugs her shoulders as if to say "some people, what are you going to do?"

Well, this is what you do...

TVGuy:  (twenty seconds into her order)  Excuse me...

WomanObliviousToAll: (continues ordering)

TVGuy: EXCUSE ME!

WomanObliviousToAll: (stops and looks at me)

TVGuy: I'm certain given your advanced age that you are familiar with the concept of the "Line", where people start at the back and move forward in a polite fashion...

WomanObliviousToAll: (shrugs and turns back to complete order)

TVGuy: (raised voice) You realize you cut not only in front of me, but a GOD DAMN BLIND GUY.  I mean, you're going straight to Hell, you know that right?

WomanObliviousToAll: (turns) You're an asshole...

TVGuy: And you're a (I really can't type what I said.... sorry...)

WomanObliviousToAll: What??

TVGuy: How about you get in the back of the fucking line sweetheart?

WomanObliviousToAll: Fuck you... (pays cash for her order.. the cashier wants her to leave immediately  and gets her stuff swiftly.... she grabs it and walks past me without looking at me... gets to door, pushes through it and yells several obscenities at me as she walks to the car running in the lane next to the store)

TVGuy: (to the cashier) Sorry about that....

Cashier: No, I didn't know she cut... I wouldn't have... 

I cut her off, paid for my food and walked out.. the woman left in the store and the blind guy both applauded, which made me feel as if I 'd done the right thing.... as I walked out of the store the car containing the linecutter was gleefully still there.... and of course I couldn't resist...

TVGuy: (at open car window) Hey!

WomanObliviousToAll: (looking out, recognizing me and scowling) What??

TVGuy: The cashier said you dropped ten bucks in the store.. I think its at the counter...

WomanObliviousToAll: (wary, but happy about the upcoming "windfall")... okay...er.... thanks...

Of course I made that up and I hated to do that to the cashier, but it seemed the easiest way to inconvenience her and not have to swear anymore...

I've promised TVGal that these things will happen less in the future... wish me luck...

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Sara Sidle: What do you think caused these marks?
Hodges: Give me more time. I'm not a miracle worker.
Sara: Well, that's obvious, Hodges. If you were a miracle worker, you wouldn't be rude.
--“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (CBS)