Treading Water, Part 1...

Flour Mills Lofts, Denver....

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This is Part 1 of a really elaborate email conversation my friend Jana and I are having... I am enjoying it so much I thought I'd share... here is her initial email...

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Jana: It's water in a box.!

Yes, Water In A Box

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TVGuy: I feel like Bruce Banner after he's been tossed around by some thugs for a minute or so... not quite ready to turn into the Hulk, but things aren't looking good for the thugs if my meaning is clear...

Almost nothing makes me angrier than Bottled Water... the fact that we dump millions of metric tons of plastic containers into landfills annually when in fact that very substance housed on the inside of the plastic comes out of your tap for about... you know... far less than a penny... what are you people doing?

How can Dasani and Aquafina still be in business? You are essentially taking your money and lighting it on fire.. and now there are Juice Boxes that contain water so "kids will drink it"???

I didn't have juice boxes of water as a kid... you know what we had? An empty glass! That we filled up from the faucet!! Or a garden hose on a hot summer day!!!!! I can't stop using excessive punctuation I'm so angry!!!!!!!!

Look, there are 2, and only 2 reasons to ever drink bottled water.

1. Your tap water tastes like the inside of a shoe (yes, Indianapolis, I'm talking to you...) But 98 percent of American towns dispense perfectly fine drinking water.. so shut up and open your faucet and put your glass under it and drink it already....

2. You need water for hiking or some other sort of physical activity and you've forgotten your water supply but you need portability.

That's it. No other reasons. Bottled water isn't "better" for you or "cleaner" or any other of the bullshit words that bottlers of this virtually free substance put in their marketing... would you pay for oxygen? Sunlight? Of course not. Stop buying water you idiots....

Oh, and Wateroos? This is in their FAQ...

Q: What is purified water?

A: Well, it’s the same type of water found in many adult bottled water brands that are labeled “purified drinking water” (good examples are Aquafina & Dasani).

Yes, those are good examples, because Aquafina & Dasani use Goddamn Municipal Water in their bottles... AAAAIIIIEEEE!!!!!

I hesitate to ask the question Jana, but do you buy bottled water? How say you?

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Jana: Well Greg, yes. Yes, we do drink bottled water in my family. We drink A LOT of bottled water, as everyone should. But not just any bottled water, we drink the very BEST bottled water...

That's right, it's JANA bottled natural artesian water - bottled at its pristine source, in the picturesque Croatian village of St. Jana. I know, I had you then I lost you. Is there a greater oxymoron than picturesque Croatian? (Well, maybe there are greater oxymorons, but that's a pretty good one). I dare you not to conjure up an image such as this when you hear the word Croatia:

Well, that was just sarcasm, you know, we don't really drink a lot of bottled water. BUT If we did, it would be new Chocolatemint Water from Metromint. Here is some of their marketing magic:

Chocolatemint water combines pure water, cocoa essence and real mint. Metromint is launching the product during the Halloween season in a bid to target consumers in search of a sweet treat with fewer calories. "A healthier Halloween doesn’t have to be bland," said president, Scott Lowe. "With Chocolatemint, you can still get your chocolate fix without sporting a costume or trick-or-treating for sugary candy." And at a price of a mere $38.00 for a case of 24, who doesn't want to run out and pick up five or six cases in order to hand them out to trick-or-treaters?

All I can say is if someone put a bottle of water in my plastic pumpkin bucket when I was a kid, the trees in their yard would be filled with toilet paper in the morning.

I do have to applaud the promotions people who are pushing this stuff. They've clearly figured out that we'll buy anything if it's packaged nicely and talked up enough. Case in point: the Snuggie. Or energy drinks. Don't get me started on energy drinks. You drink them, don't you, Greg?

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TVGuy: (Ignoring the fact that there is a bottled water named Jana for just a minute...)

I hate energy drinks... hate hate HATE energy drinks.. how the hell did the founding fathers get through the day without Krank, HighVoltage, Amp34... etc... ?? Do you really need extra "energy" to play video games, sit around and watch TV, etc??

God the Bottling Industry really pisses me off... but longtime readers of TVGuy know this because of the post that brought Steven Seagal front and center....

Seagal and You!

Anyway, I don't want to get away from the subject of bottled water... seriously folks, STOP DRINKING IT... it's like a magician has boonswaggled America on stage right before he cuts Miley Cyrus in half with a saw.. wait, that sounds like a good idea... wait, I've lost focus.. where was I...

Oh yeah, water... I was at the store the other day and was behind a couple in the self checkout line and the woman was explaining to the man why she had two cases of Aquafina... "It's healthier!"

Inside I screamed "AAAAIIEEEE" while outwardly speaking loudly "Actually, no, Aquafina is purified water from Detroit.. you are just taking your money and destroying it for no reason at the molecular level..."

The guy turned around, asked me if I was serious... I replied I was... and he took the two cases and returned them down Aisle Seven.... my work there was done...

When you email me back Jana I'm going to hope that you aren't an energy drink fiend... or we are going to have a problem... what say you?

(Part Two next week...)

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Penn: Consumers are offered water with names conveying pure and pristine water sources. Ever hear of Alaskan Falls water? That must come from the crystal-clear glacial waters of our 49th state, right? Sorry, folks. Alaskan flows from this liqui-box corporation building in Worthington, Ohio. Does the brand Yosemite conjure up visions of the cool, prestine waters rushing through California's high sierras? Well, then the marketers have done their jobs. The source of Yosemite bottled water is actually 400 miles away in Northwest Los Angeles...
--"Penn & Teller: Bullshit!" (Showtime)