letters, we get letters...

St. Mary's Glacier and Lake, taken this past weekend...

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Let's take a break from our critique of our 5 local TV stations and dip once more into our overflowing mailbag... without further ado...

>>TV's Greg...Hey, I wanted to alert you of a blog I began following while you were on hiatus that I think you will enjoy. It is http://www.nerdist.com/ by Chris Hardwick...yes, that Chris Hardwick of the 90's famed Singled Out with Jenny McCarthy on MTV. And, who could forget Shipwrecked the beloved dating game on a boat... Anyway, I think you will enjoy not only his humor, but Tech-goodness. Anyway, let me know your thoughts.
--TV's Scott

TVGuy: Well, upon visiting his site (which was quite fun upon first glance) I found an article ripping into the movie "Back to the Future"... my friend Todd is the world's biggest BTTF fan and I forwarded it to him BEFORE reading it... so I may be reading a story about him in the paper tomorrow (Local Man stabs others, self, with toy DeLorean)...

I work in a building with about 2,302 other people so there are quite a few different types of cars in our parking lots.. for awhile last summer there was a DeLorean there.. haven't seen it much anymore but I'm kinda surprised those "gull-wing" doors never caught on...















I mean, pretty cool, right?? Anyway, enough about that... next letter!

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>>thanks for sharing this interesting information, but I accept through your blog you are adding "business videos" but your blog is really cool and knowledgeable information...
--"business videos" via Blogger.

TVGuy: I've read that sentence 34 times now and I still have absolutely no idea what any of that means... can anybody help out here?

It's like those maddening Japanese/English translations that you see on imported products that make no sense whatsoever... like "Puppets in pantry are full of whimsy and knowledge" or “Cold liquid not made from epson ink, but with heart of dragon.”"

I was making some curried chicken with rice for dinner on Sunday and needed Fish Sauce... our local grocer didn't carry that particular product so I drove down Federal Boulevard to the Asian Marketplace... have any of you ever shopped in a Japanese market? It's nuts, right? Let me count the ways...

Just try to get someone to help you... (go on, I dare you...) all the workers there are wearing street clothes and no name tags or hats or aprons or any other damn markers singling them out... and when you do finally spy someone stacking Blue Gorilla Liver or whatever it is on a tray and ask them where something is you always get the same answer... "djejke ekwe huh?"

Look, I get that I'm in the minority here as there were 100 Asian shoppers and about 14 Americans... but all these people live in America, so actually there were 114 Americans... and our language, our currency of words if you will, is English... would it kill you to hire someone who knows what the hell "Peanut Oil" sounds like? I mean, I'm shopping in Denver in 2009 for god's sake... not 50s Tokyo... just meet me in the middle is all I ask...

The maddening Japanese/English translations just piss me off the more I think about it... again, we're about a decade into the 21st century... there are translators all over the internet... multiple sites that can translate "Sobameshi" into "Fried Noodles with Rice".... and not "Bulletholes are Fancy with Butter" which is what I normally see... There is an aisle in the middle of the store that has a sign above it that tells us that in this section of the store you can find both rice and "Pickle With Fish"... what the hell does that even mean??

It's bullshit. Just like every damn Mexican restaurant in town has a takeout menu with 12,143 grammatical errors... this isn't hard.. find a smart friend of yours, have them look it over, and fix the mistakes... thanks in advance...

(note: There was a guy behind me in line who had nothing in his cart, but was in the checkout line anyway... he was staring intently at the "Hello Kitty Candy Lip Balm" for quite awhile.. and eventually took it and put it in the shopping cart... I'm not even sure what to say about this so let's get to the next letter, okay?)

Oh, one last thing.... the Curried Chicken with rice was absolutely delicious and I'll make this point again... cooking with a wok is both easy and fun... just ask TVGal about my Kung Pao Chicken... I could sell that dish on a street corner out of a cart... anyway...)

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>Welcome back. i have been checking to see if you were blogging again. Im glad you're back and i hope you continue to blog for years to come. As i said in a previous post, i love your unique take on everyday life and quick wit. KEEP BLOGGING DAMN YOU!! LOL
--anonymous (via blogger)

TVGuy: That's really nice... but for the love of God, who are you???? The anonymity of the internet really pisses me off sometimes... this could be someone I dated in High School or a serial killer in cellblock C in a SuperMax facility somewhere... I'm both flattered and looking into handgun procurement... fortunately it doesn't happen very often...

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I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often. Keep it up...
--anonymous (via blogger)

TVGuy: AAAIIIEEEE... (placing aluminum bat under bed for protection... back in a sec...)

See, here's the thing... you get stuff like that and you think for a few seconds that your shit smells a bit sweeter than your neighbor who just walked by wearing a shirt without sleeves and looking a bit like Kelsey Grammar who just got out of a charity dunktank... but then you look at the last 500 searches that brought traffic to your blog and you get this (I'll spare you and give you just the most recent ones...)

--urnial flush
--decibel urinal flush
--french tv guy
--shave my back
--dryer sheet
--bacon flavored mints
--tom green
--slutty hot chicks
--bigfoot
--that's not cheese
--tv shows
--hobby lobby
--ashley judd
--reindeer in a can
--itty bitty funtime
--eight is enough wedding
--heinz ketchup
--purr like walrus
--fun burp
--helga the stomping mare
--creepy pennies (I swear I didn't make that up)
--supergirl free photo
--loud clapping
--tv shows
--milk gravy
--guy who sleeps in laundry
--tvguy
--superhot muffins
--top tv shows
--milky breath
--smelly
--drinking one's urine
--gorilla fart
--potato racism


So if you need info on creepy pennies while eating superhot muffins and drinking your own urine, apparently I'm the one stop web destination... ick. Anyway...


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>>I loved the Weird Foods article you wrote, but I haven't seen any of those products in my store... did you make them up?
--can*****12 @yahoo.com




TVGuy: I assume you mean this page... and no, those are all actual items, albeit some of them found internationally rather than locally...


But while we are talking about the supermarket again, can I bitch about the generic charities you are now asked to give to when you are in the checkout lane? As I was entering my PIN and other info a screen came up to ask me "Would you like to Roundup your bill to donate to People With Disabilities"??


"People With Disabilities"?? What the hell is that?? How about "United Way" or "Salvation Army"... I have no idea where my money is going there... what, we couldn't strike a deal with "Tummyaches International" or "BooBoo Colorado"?? C'mon! You gotta tell me the charity! So until you do, I'm keeping my nickels and pennies. Thanks anyway...


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>>What's better? Hot Dogs or Hamburgers?
--billt**** @earthlink.net


TVGuy: That wasn't his whole email.. I often just take an portion that I want to talk about here... but I will say that there is just no answer to that question. I mean, it's literally impossible for me to choose...


However, when it comes to hot dogs and hamburgers I have some thoughts...


1. To my friend TV's Matt, I'm sorry but Ketchup has absolutely no place on hot dogs. None. I won't discuss this further...


2. It's weird that there is no ham in hamburgers, right? Is this why we've added bacon to burgers now sometimes? And is there anything that isn't better with the addition of bacon? I'd like to publicly thank the pig while I'm here.. way to go porky...


3. A little grilling tip from TVChef Mario Batali which we have wholeheartedly embraced here at the TVGuy mansion... add a quarter cup of BBQ sauce to your meat (with salt and pepper also) before forming into thin patties.. they get extra crispy on the edges on the grill, and the BBQ sauce doesn't really make them taste like barbeque, but it gives the meat a nice moistness that I'm not sure I can do without from this time forward...


4. There are many people out there that turn their noses up at hot dogs on the grill and say things like "oh, I never eat those.. do you have any idea what they put in them??"


To those people I respond "Shut The Hell Up"... it's not 1963 anymore... you're basically getting meat in casings here... and they're delicious... period. If you don't eat any meat because you are a Food Terrorist Vegetarian that's fine.. but leave the rest of us alone as we smile and reach for the spicy mustard, okay?? Thanks in advance...


(They're invariably the same people who don't like Christmas "Because It's Too Commercial"... yeah, if you don't like happy kids who squeal like diabetic seals that morning ripping open their gifts around a tree decorated with twinkling lights while some breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls are filling the house with smells that are just one small iota beneath what Heaven must smell like, then go move to another country. Seriously. Just pack your stuff up and go away. God, I hate those people... anyway...)


5. There is no answer to the question "Do you want cheese on your burger?" that is acceptable other than "Yes"...


6. There are certain smells that just are hardwired in human's DNA to enhance the pleasure centers of the brain... and stuff on a grill is near the top of the list... you could be grilling a tennis shoe and I'd argue it would at least smell good.... so get out there this summer and do some fish or beef or something on your Weber, won't you?


Where were we...

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>>Did you see that the guy who dresses up as Peter Pan on the world's worst website got married recently?? I dare you to watch the wedding video....
--and*** @aol.com


TVGuy: Ha! Way ahead of you...we watched it at work the other day.. all three videos actually and it was both hilarous, creepy, disturbing and UnableToRemoveEyesFromScreenForOneSecond Fun! I'll link to the site, but from there you are on your own... warning... seeing his photos where he is dressed as a bunny may cause Retinal Damage... good luck... Off To NeverNeverLand


(Seriously, his site has over 10 million hits and mine has less than 150,000?? Why the hell am I even writing anymore....sigh...)

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>>I just read your Urine Therapy article (forwarded to me by someone.. I wasn't Googling Urine Therapy.. honest!!) and I laughed so hard I scared everyone in the office. Thanks so much...
--gmar***** @yahoo.com

TVGuy: (then again....)

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>>Xander: Ooh, Sunnydale bus depot. Classy. What better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine....
--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)