dropping a deuce...

Guanella Pass, 2008....

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As newspapers continue to fall by the wayside I thought I'd check in with our local Denver TV stations and watch their news efforts... mainly because I hadn't watched an evening newscast seemingly since Galileo walked the Earth... the Internet is killing the "old school" forms of news distribution, and why not... Back in "olden days" you had two ways of getting news..

1. Bobby throws a rolled up paper in a plastic bag on your lawn at 5:45 a.m.

2. "Chet" and "Jennifer" read 6 stories on your local tv station (one usually involving a puppy) and then 2 minutes of commercials...

Having folks sit at a desk in business attire and give you 10-12 stories in a half hour format is pretty much the worst possible way to get information... but perhaps things have changed since I last directed a local newscast (4 years ago)...

So I decided to DVR the morning shows and late night newscasts for all 5 networks here in Denver... I'm taking the punishment here so you don't have to... just another community service from all of us at TVGuy... we'll go in Numerical order because... well, that's just what most people would do, right?

Assignment: To watch all 5 local news channels in one week, both morning and evening permutations...

Location: The TVGuy Mansion, not yet in HD sadly...

Dates: Weeks of May 18th & 25th, 2009.

Introduction: Since it's Numerical order, first up is Channel 2.... oh, I'm sorry, "The Deuce"...

Yes, "The Deuce".... arguably the dumbest thing I've ever encounted in all my years in this industry... Channel 2 wishes to be called "The Deuce" at every opportunity... on my cable guide it actually says "Daybreak on the Deuce"... the General Manager thinks its cool, or so I've read in our local papers... the General Manager is of course, completely wrong..... it's incredibly stupid.... I've talked with a few folks who work there and they couldn't hate it more, complain about it constantly, and have had no positive feedback for it since it began.. and yet, "The Deuce" perseveres.....

(Note: In the interest of full disclosure, Channel 2 has merged buildings with Channel 31, my old employer... so I do know a few folks still working there... not surprisingly, most of them are miserable... just like when I worked there... it's never really been a "happy place.")

(Note 2: Fortunately for them, Jan Blair, Clyde Becker, Jon Takayama & Bill Schneider (known as "The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse") are no longer working there... else they would truly know the meaning of "miserable"... but I digress...)

Let's dig in.. first up, the morning show.. we're being helped out here with our old friends Good, Bad and Ugly....

>>Good - No one is wearing a tie. God Bless whoever allowed that to happen... why people on newscasts have to look like bankers all the time never made any sense to me..

>>Bad - "the Deuce" is on every graphic, every name identifier, everywhere... I'm convinced the news team has had it tattooed to their biceps... I've mentioned how much I hate "The Deuce", right?

>>Ugly - Our lead story has our intrepid reporter talking about gas prices... one place has gas at 2.13 a gallon, another has it for 2.14... so you'd better "shop around" to find the best price... because at 2.14 a gallon, that's going to cost me 14 cents more for a fillup.. thanks.. thats very helpful...

After she does her intro, we go to videotape of THE EXACT SAME GAS SIGN THAT WAS BEHIND HER DURING THE LIVE SHOT, EXCEPT NOW ITS DARK OUT... honestly, meaningless cover video just irritates me to no end.. this isn't helping out the viewer in anyway whatsoever.. it's lazy and just horrible news judgment.. of course, when the video runs out we are back to the reporter with the same sign behind her... I'm now jamming knitting needles into my eyes...

>>Good - Tom Green (our tie-less lead anchor) is far too good to be slumming on this newscast.. it's like watching David Letterman working a Rotary Breakfast... he's flinging one-liners all around and no one reacts to them...

>>Bad - Chick Fil A sponsors "Traffic on the 2's"... and at 6am there is predictably... no traffic. I'm no expert, but I'm guessing it picks up around rush hour, then is fine until late afternoon when a lot of people get off work, like say... 445pm?? Just guessing here though... again, I'm no expert...

>>Ugly - Production values are really sloppy... audio trails into the next story often, the station Time & Temp Bug in the corner frequently covers up lettering on story graphics... reporter reads from a notebook for 30 seconds while the video which is supposed to be on screen covering this is nowhere to be found... etc... it's like watching a college TV Station kinda....

>>Bad - Going to commercial breaks a graphic over a shot of the city informs us what song we're listening to... I only wish I was kidding... what's next, riddles?

>>Ugly - Weather graphics look like they're from 1995. Very unappealing. Which is surprising because "The Deuce" is in the same building as Fox31, which generally has outstanding weather graphics.. hmm...

>>Ugly - The Weather Team is known as "Storm Force". (I'll pause while you finish giggling...) It's on the background of the weathercenter on two humongous signs in case you forget... the problem (one of them anyway) with calling yourself "Storm Force" is the 300 days of sunshine Denver receives a year... if there isn't a storm, you look kinda ridiculous...

>>Bad - Angie Austin shows up as our Entertainment Reporter... she used to weather for the Channel 2 NewsTeam not that long ago... I remember liking her weathercasts.... now she is reading 25 second stories out of Entertainment Weekly... I actually feel sad for her right now...

>>Ugly - Actual exchange...

Angie Austin: Natalie's yawning a lot this morning.

Tom Green: That's because she's tired.

(Awkward laughter ensues...)

>>Bad - 2 minute story on a Jesus-shaped Cheeto. No need to go any further there, right?

>>Ugly - "Kurt The CyberGuy" showing many examples why the Internet is Destroying Local Newscasts gives us a report on who we should be following on Twitter that has not one single second of useful information. In other news, I hate "Kurt The CyberGuy".

>>Bad - Chris Parente shows up as the SarcasticWackyMorningReporter. I'm informed by my old friend "TV's Scott" that Chris Parente is an old fraternity brother... If he's a friend of TV's Scott, then I'll cut him some slack...

>>Good - Tom Green makes a comment about throwing a large piece of rock at Chris Parente.

>>Bad - Turns out it was just a joke. Damn.

>>Ugly - I'm told to go to their website for more information about 5,193 times, so I do. What I find there is so awful I think my eyes are bleeding. It's really just about the worst website ever. On the front page is a message board where people can just rip on the newscast and it's instanteously posted.

Let me say that again. Anyone can type whatever they want and it shows up on the front page of the website. I'm actually stunned by this. Let me throw a little bit of advice to the webmaster over at Channel 2... REMOVE THIS FEATURE IMMEDIATELY!!!!!! Always to happy to help.. where were we...?

>>Ugly - Reporter Leland Vittert gives us a story about kids and handguns and something else but I stopped listening after about 5 seconds because he looks like he couldn't give a shit about kids and handguns and whatever else... I could bring up the story about the time when Leland introduced himself to my wife twice in less than a minute, completely forgetting that he had done so 40 seconds earlier, but I'd rather focus on the fact that in his website bio it lists the word "taxpayer" as two words and just move on....

>>Bad - Waaaayy too much orange in the color scheme here folks...

>>Good - Tom Green comes back from commercial with a dog in his lap. Better yet, it is never explained why he has a dog in his lap. I like Tom Green. I like Dogs.

Moving on...Okay, time to tackle the evening news quickly....

>>Good - Everyone is standing.. no news desk.... I like it! Edgy!

>>Bad - Everyone is wearing a tie though... apparently news in the evenings is more important than news in the mornings....

>>Ugly - The sports guy's first name is "Zubin". I can honestly say I've never heard that name before... I can honestly say that I've seen the "WackySportsGuy" shtick about 11 million times though... ugh.

>>Good - Kim Posey, Channel 31 reporter stops by. When you look up the word "nice" in the dictionary, Kim's picture is always there....

>>Ugly - We have two reports from "The Internet Cafe". Where "Nina" shows you websites that are far more interesting than "The Internet Cafe". I think she just gave us a link for KillingLocalNewscasts.com... I hate "The Internet Cafe".

(I remember reading somewhere that the GM or News Director or someone high on the food chain wanted to make their newscasts appeal to "Young People". Apparently this is why the show is on at 7pm. Let me again help you folks out here... "Young People" don't watch the news. Ever. EverEverEver. Okay? I mean, EVER!)

>>Bad - Evening Weather Graphics still suck.

>>Ugly - Even though we don't have it during this show, "The Deuce" has local bands play in studio during their shows... I'll pause briefly as I know you are now overcome with hysterical laughter.. it's okay, I can wait....(Having local musicians play on your newscast would be great if, you know, "Young People" watched hour-long newscasts. Since they don't, it's a really shitty idea.)

>>Good - Everyone stands at the end while my old friend Fox31 SportsGuy Chris Tanaka putts a ball towards the camera... I like the standing thing with no desk.

Conclusion: Once a really good morning show, "Daybreak on the Deuce" now is... er.. well, not. The evening show is utterly forgettable in every way, except for the things that you remember that make you want to rub gravel into your scalp vigorously (Internet Cafe, house bands...)

If it wasn't for Tom Green, I'd consider taking "The Deuce" out of my channel lineup at home.

TVGuy Rating (out of 100): 12

(And naming your station after a synonym for feces really is ridiculous. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. There's still time to change... remember New Coke? Just sayin'....)

Next Monday: Channel 4 (not "The Double Deuce" or "The Quattro" as far as I can tell...)

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Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then I still don't care.
--“Newsradio” (NBC)