Another December shot at Chatfield Botanic Gardens...
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It's been awhile since we've opened the TVGuy Mailbag so let's get to it... it's a singular theme this time as our look at really awful canned foods last month was the big letter generator... If I'd known these were the letters I was getting I probably wouldn't have started this whole thing... I'm sparing you some of them... you'd thank me if you read them... Hopefully you won't come across some of these if you are ever on an Atkins diet or using Medifast coupons at your local grocer.
But, you reap what you sow... so without further ado....
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Your Top Ten Canned Food Entry was insanely disgusting.... but I have to ask... what was Number 11?
--snag**** @*****.com
TVGuy: That's easy... it was Xmas and I didn't want to fill children's heads with this horrifying Pate...
But if you're a pet you aren't excluded apparently....
Just saying....
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>>I almost passed out 3 times reading that post. And then you end it with the most gruesome thing imaginable. I'd like to thank you for entertaining me and horrifying me all at the same time! Congratulations.
--adam (via Blogger)
TVGuy: You're entirely welcome... and because of your kind words, I'll tell you that in about 200 words this blog entry takes you to a very, very uncomfortable place.
You've been warned.
_____
In the spirit of disgusting foods your blog seems to dwell on, I was at a pizza place the other day that offered Oysters as a topping. I promptly threw up and ran out of the restaurant.
--an******* @*****.net
TVGuy: I've seen Bananas on a pizza menu (TVGuy Food Rule #12: No Fruit On Pizza Is Allowed) which made me a bit queasy...
Here's a link to perhaps the world's oddest Pizza Menu.... I'm sorry, I just don't want mayonnaise anywhere near a pizza oven....
And to round out the topic, this may be the nuttiest pizza I've ever seen... from our friends at Pizza Hut: Korean Division
(sounds vaguely like a CSI spinoff, doesn't it? "Next, On Korean Division!!!")
Whole shrimp baked into a cheesy crust? Um, no thanks.
_____
>>Scorpions? Whatever...that's nothing... the question is, would you eat this??
--700****** @earth****.net
TVGuy: Eat what? I hate it when people don't supply a link or...
Wait a minute, there may be an attachment... hold on.....
Eat it? I don't even know what it is? Really, what the hell are these?
I'd sooner eat lawn trimmings than whatever those things are... are those legs sticking out? sticks? What's going on here??
Seriously, write me back AND TELL ME WHAT ARE THEY???!!!!
_______
>>When I was in Thailand they sold Yellow Ants Eggs in Chiles with Lime..
--tk**** @***.**.us
TVGuy: Wait, were the Ants yellow, or were the Eggs yellow?
(I'm picky when it comes to my Insect Eggs swimming in a Thai-style gravy...)
_______
>>I think I can top you... is this not the most terrifying sentence ever published on the World Wide Web?
"Urine therapy consists of two parts: internal appication (drinking urine) and external application (massaging with urine)."
--mary** @***.com
TVGuy: Nausea is beginning to permeate my very soul... but that won't stop me from further investigating this phenomenon...
Whole shrimp baked into a cheesy crust? Um, no thanks.
_____
>>Scorpions? Whatever...that's nothing... the question is, would you eat this??
--700****** @earth****.net
TVGuy: Eat what? I hate it when people don't supply a link or...
Wait a minute, there may be an attachment... hold on.....
Eat it? I don't even know what it is? Really, what the hell are these?
I'd sooner eat lawn trimmings than whatever those things are... are those legs sticking out? sticks? What's going on here??
Seriously, write me back AND TELL ME WHAT ARE THEY???!!!!
_______
>>When I was in Thailand they sold Yellow Ants Eggs in Chiles with Lime..
--tk**** @***.**.us
TVGuy: Wait, were the Ants yellow, or were the Eggs yellow?
(I'm picky when it comes to my Insect Eggs swimming in a Thai-style gravy...)
_______
>>I think I can top you... is this not the most terrifying sentence ever published on the World Wide Web?
"Urine therapy consists of two parts: internal appication (drinking urine) and external application (massaging with urine)."
--mary** @***.com
TVGuy: Nausea is beginning to permeate my very soul... but that won't stop me from further investigating this phenomenon...
(investigating...)
(googling... ah, there we go...)
We have the Universal Healing System, whatever that means, to thank for this...
We have the Universal Healing System, whatever that means, to thank for this...
Some other "highlights" from our friends at the UHS follow... all comments from UHS are from their website with no embellishment whatsoever...
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UHS: A mixture of potato and sulphur powder, mixed with heated, old urine helps against hair loss.
TVGuy: Old Urine? I have to keep the stuff around in a jar?? How do I explain that to dinner guests?? Hell, how do I explain that to myself??
___
UHS: All kinds of throat inflammation can be helped by gargling with urine to which a bit of saffron has been added.
TVGuy: Well, a "hint of saffron" always makes things more pleasant...
But while we're here let me ask you a question and I'll give you a hint...
What am I not going to be drinking any time soon?
___
UHS: A mixture of potato and sulphur powder, mixed with heated, old urine helps against hair loss.
TVGuy: Old Urine? I have to keep the stuff around in a jar?? How do I explain that to dinner guests?? Hell, how do I explain that to myself??
___
UHS: All kinds of throat inflammation can be helped by gargling with urine to which a bit of saffron has been added.
TVGuy: Well, a "hint of saffron" always makes things more pleasant...
But while we're here let me ask you a question and I'll give you a hint...
What am I not going to be drinking any time soon?
Hint: It's Yellow...
___
UHS: Trembling hands and knees can be helped by washing, and rubbing one's own warm urine into the skin directly after one has urinated.
TVG: Couldn't I just save time and pee on myself?
___
UHS: Wash your ears with it warm and it is good against deafness noises.
TVGuy: Look, I know the English language is full of difficult concepts especially when it comes to translating to and from it, but "Deafness Noises"??...
___
UHS: Wash your eyes with your own water (urine) and it cures sore eyes and clears and strengthens the sight.
TVGuy: The word "Bullshit" immediately comes to mind... strengthens sight... uh huh...
___
UHS: Taken energetically, one could consider urine to be an exact hologram of both healthy as well as diseased body fluids.
TVGuy: "Hologram"??!?
___
UHS: All information from the body fluids is collected and stared in the urine.
TVGuy: "Stared"???
___
UHS: How many people do you know who have drunk enough urine to really know what it tastes like?
TVGuy: The number hovers somewhere around "Zero"...
___
UHS: You are comfortable with.
TVG: Wait, that's not even a sentence...
___
UHS: During fasts, urine enemas are highly recommended.
TVG: Winner of this week's "Words I Never Thought I'd Type" Award...
___
UHS: Urine should be kept in the mouth for twenty to thirty minutes or, when that seems too much, as long as possible.
TVGuy: Yeah, 20-30 minutes seems a wee bit lengthy...hell, 2-3 seconds seems lengthy...
___
UHS: It can help heal aphts quite fast.
TVGuy: Look, I'm going to have to ask that you use, you know, actual words from now on...
___
UHS: When I go on vacation, I always keep a bottle of old urine on hand as a first aid remedy for wounds.
TVGuy: For hours of TSA Detention Room fun, just follow this guy's advice and place a clear bottle full of old urine in your carry-on luggage... wacky security hijinks ensue...
___
UHS: Simultaneous compresses on the anus and abdomen are very effective in the treatment of hemorrhoid.
TVGuy: If you ever walk into a room and you see me holding bags of urine against my butt and stomach simultaneously you can just... wait, did I just type "Holding Bags Of Urine Against My Butt"??
___
UHS: For those who value smooth, flawless skin and a healthy appearance massaging fresh urine daily into the skin in the morning or in the evening is recom-mended. This is the secret of many a sex symbol and beauty queen.
TVGuy: No, it's the secret of Rosie O'Donnell and Steve Buscemi....
___
UHS: This is an excellent remedy for dandruff, lifeless hair and even baldness and hair loss. Massage urine briskly into the scalp, allow it to be absorbed for thirty minutes to an hour, and then wash it out with lukewarm water (do not use soap or shampoo). Hair becomes clean and lustrous. If you do not rinse out the urine, the effect is even more powerful.
TVGuy: If you think that rubbing urine vigorously into one's hair leaves it cleaner then I suggest you take a few moments and actually find out what the word "clean" actually means before using it on your website...
___
UHS: Trembling hands and knees can be helped by washing, and rubbing one's own warm urine into the skin directly after one has urinated.
TVG: Couldn't I just save time and pee on myself?
___
UHS: Wash your ears with it warm and it is good against deafness noises.
TVGuy: Look, I know the English language is full of difficult concepts especially when it comes to translating to and from it, but "Deafness Noises"??...
___
UHS: Wash your eyes with your own water (urine) and it cures sore eyes and clears and strengthens the sight.
TVGuy: The word "Bullshit" immediately comes to mind... strengthens sight... uh huh...
___
UHS: Taken energetically, one could consider urine to be an exact hologram of both healthy as well as diseased body fluids.
TVGuy: "Hologram"??!?
___
UHS: All information from the body fluids is collected and stared in the urine.
TVGuy: "Stared"???
___
UHS: How many people do you know who have drunk enough urine to really know what it tastes like?
TVGuy: The number hovers somewhere around "Zero"...
___
UHS: You are comfortable with.
TVG: Wait, that's not even a sentence...
___
UHS: During fasts, urine enemas are highly recommended.
TVG: Winner of this week's "Words I Never Thought I'd Type" Award...
___
UHS: Urine should be kept in the mouth for twenty to thirty minutes or, when that seems too much, as long as possible.
TVGuy: Yeah, 20-30 minutes seems a wee bit lengthy...hell, 2-3 seconds seems lengthy...
___
UHS: It can help heal aphts quite fast.
TVGuy: Look, I'm going to have to ask that you use, you know, actual words from now on...
___
UHS: When I go on vacation, I always keep a bottle of old urine on hand as a first aid remedy for wounds.
TVGuy: For hours of TSA Detention Room fun, just follow this guy's advice and place a clear bottle full of old urine in your carry-on luggage... wacky security hijinks ensue...
___
UHS: Simultaneous compresses on the anus and abdomen are very effective in the treatment of hemorrhoid.
TVGuy: If you ever walk into a room and you see me holding bags of urine against my butt and stomach simultaneously you can just... wait, did I just type "Holding Bags Of Urine Against My Butt"??
___
UHS: For those who value smooth, flawless skin and a healthy appearance massaging fresh urine daily into the skin in the morning or in the evening is recom-mended. This is the secret of many a sex symbol and beauty queen.
TVGuy: No, it's the secret of Rosie O'Donnell and Steve Buscemi....
___
UHS: This is an excellent remedy for dandruff, lifeless hair and even baldness and hair loss. Massage urine briskly into the scalp, allow it to be absorbed for thirty minutes to an hour, and then wash it out with lukewarm water (do not use soap or shampoo). Hair becomes clean and lustrous. If you do not rinse out the urine, the effect is even more powerful.
TVGuy: If you think that rubbing urine vigorously into one's hair leaves it cleaner then I suggest you take a few moments and actually find out what the word "clean" actually means before using it on your website...
However, I don't doubt for a second that "not rinsing out the urine" does indeed make one's hair "more powerful"...
And now for our next...
(Wait a minute...)
There are people walking around with dried urine in their hair?
I just can't believe that's true... I'd need some proof.
Huh...
(Okay, I guess I'll buy it...)
___
UHS: Herbs (also in herbal tea) might cause the urine to taste sharp and bitter making it more difficult to drink.
TVGuy: Oh, that's what makes urine "difficult to drink"....
___
UHS: Some urine herapists advise against drinking milk...
TVGuy: Some farmers advise against drinking, you know... urine....
___
UHS: Vomiting particularly occurs when urine tastes and smells very strong and unpleasant...
TVGuy: In other words, vomiting occurs every single time...
___
UHS: In some cases drinking urine can be extremely unpleasant.
TVGuy: Some cases?
___
UHS: However, if you drink as much urine as possible, the urine will quickly become thinner and taste more pleasant.
TVGuy: Who are these people???
___
UHS: After vomiting out urine, rest and consume only some light liquids, such as water with lemon juice. Once well-rested, continue with urine therapy.
TVGuy: Wait, after I... (sigh)... VOMIT URINE... I'm supposed to continue with urine therapy??
___
UHS: Start inhaling urine through the nose, as this clears the upper part of the bronchial tubes.
TVGuy: I really don't think that's going to happen....
___
UHS: Unfortunately, it is not easy to come by good, clean water.
TVGuy: Look, I'm drinking urine for god's sake, are we really concerned about the quality of my tap water???
___
UHS: Drinking urine is certainly not strange.
TVGuy: Drinking urine is certainly strange.
___
UHS: It is the foundation of our existence.
TVGuy: Nice when the mentally ill have access to the Information SuperHighway, no?
___
UHS: Urine therapy and healthy dietary habits go together.
TVGuy: Yes, just like chocolate and broccoli...
___
UHS: Applying urine therapy while maintaining unhealthy dietary habits is like lighting a candle to the sun.
TVGuy: Huh... I would have associated "unhealthy dietary habits" with the actual drinking of urine, but apparently I'm misinformed...
___
UHS: The taste of urine partly depends on what you have eaten and drunk the previous day.
TVGuy: No, I'm pretty sure the taste of urine depends on it being entirely comprised of, you know, URINE!!
___
UHS: If you wish to gradually become accustomed to the taste, mix urine with water or fruit juice or mix a spoonful of honey into the urine.
TVGuy: Just the Marketing Promotion the folks over at Dole have been dreaming of for years...
___
UHS: Per-haps you will start to enjoy talking about it, as I do.
TVGuy: "Per-haps" I won't...
___
UHS: You can be sure that you will be surrounded by plenty of laughter, which in fact can be rather pleasant.
TVGuy: Yes, Court-Appointed Clinical Psychiatrists are a cheerful lot, aren't they?
___
UHS: The odor of urine is much less repulsive than most people think since most associate urine with public toilets.
TVGuy: Actually, it's exactly as repulsive as most people think....
___
UHS: I myself regularly use pure urine as aftershave and hair lotion.
TVGuy: Pretty good chance this guy's single, right??
___
UHS: How can you overcome feelings of aversion to drinking your own golden elixir?
TVGuy: Wasn't that a Wine Cooler from Seagram's in the 80s? "Golden Elixir"? I may be getting the details a bit wrong I admit...
___
UHB: In theory, it is best to use exclusively your own urine, especially if internally applied.
TVGuy: Wait, I don't like where this is going.... "your own urine"? Please tell me I'm not outsourcing my urine needs here...
___
UHB: However, if you are in a state of shock and cannot urinate, the urine from somebody else can safely be adminis-tered.
TVGuy: If I asked a friend if I could drink their urine, wouldn't they be the ones in "A State of Shock"??
___
UHB: If possible, use the urine from somebody of the same sex.
TVGuy: Just for fun at work today, go up to someone of the opposite sex, hand them a cup, ask if they'd pee in it, and also tell them you'll be holding the urine in your mouth for 20-30 minutes..
And now for our next...
(Wait a minute...)
There are people walking around with dried urine in their hair?
I just can't believe that's true... I'd need some proof.
Huh...
(Okay, I guess I'll buy it...)
___
UHS: Herbs (also in herbal tea) might cause the urine to taste sharp and bitter making it more difficult to drink.
TVGuy: Oh, that's what makes urine "difficult to drink"....
___
UHS: Some urine herapists advise against drinking milk...
TVGuy: Some farmers advise against drinking, you know... urine....
___
UHS: Vomiting particularly occurs when urine tastes and smells very strong and unpleasant...
TVGuy: In other words, vomiting occurs every single time...
___
UHS: In some cases drinking urine can be extremely unpleasant.
TVGuy: Some cases?
___
UHS: However, if you drink as much urine as possible, the urine will quickly become thinner and taste more pleasant.
TVGuy: Who are these people???
___
UHS: After vomiting out urine, rest and consume only some light liquids, such as water with lemon juice. Once well-rested, continue with urine therapy.
TVGuy: Wait, after I... (sigh)... VOMIT URINE... I'm supposed to continue with urine therapy??
___
UHS: Start inhaling urine through the nose, as this clears the upper part of the bronchial tubes.
TVGuy: I really don't think that's going to happen....
___
UHS: Unfortunately, it is not easy to come by good, clean water.
TVGuy: Look, I'm drinking urine for god's sake, are we really concerned about the quality of my tap water???
___
UHS: Drinking urine is certainly not strange.
TVGuy: Drinking urine is certainly strange.
___
UHS: It is the foundation of our existence.
TVGuy: Nice when the mentally ill have access to the Information SuperHighway, no?
___
UHS: Urine therapy and healthy dietary habits go together.
TVGuy: Yes, just like chocolate and broccoli...
___
UHS: Applying urine therapy while maintaining unhealthy dietary habits is like lighting a candle to the sun.
TVGuy: Huh... I would have associated "unhealthy dietary habits" with the actual drinking of urine, but apparently I'm misinformed...
___
UHS: The taste of urine partly depends on what you have eaten and drunk the previous day.
TVGuy: No, I'm pretty sure the taste of urine depends on it being entirely comprised of, you know, URINE!!
___
UHS: If you wish to gradually become accustomed to the taste, mix urine with water or fruit juice or mix a spoonful of honey into the urine.
TVGuy: Just the Marketing Promotion the folks over at Dole have been dreaming of for years...
___
UHS: Per-haps you will start to enjoy talking about it, as I do.
TVGuy: "Per-haps" I won't...
___
UHS: You can be sure that you will be surrounded by plenty of laughter, which in fact can be rather pleasant.
TVGuy: Yes, Court-Appointed Clinical Psychiatrists are a cheerful lot, aren't they?
___
UHS: The odor of urine is much less repulsive than most people think since most associate urine with public toilets.
TVGuy: Actually, it's exactly as repulsive as most people think....
___
UHS: I myself regularly use pure urine as aftershave and hair lotion.
TVGuy: Pretty good chance this guy's single, right??
___
UHS: How can you overcome feelings of aversion to drinking your own golden elixir?
TVGuy: Wasn't that a Wine Cooler from Seagram's in the 80s? "Golden Elixir"? I may be getting the details a bit wrong I admit...
___
UHB: In theory, it is best to use exclusively your own urine, especially if internally applied.
TVGuy: Wait, I don't like where this is going.... "your own urine"? Please tell me I'm not outsourcing my urine needs here...
___
UHB: However, if you are in a state of shock and cannot urinate, the urine from somebody else can safely be adminis-tered.
TVGuy: If I asked a friend if I could drink their urine, wouldn't they be the ones in "A State of Shock"??
___
UHB: If possible, use the urine from somebody of the same sex.
TVGuy: Just for fun at work today, go up to someone of the opposite sex, hand them a cup, ask if they'd pee in it, and also tell them you'll be holding the urine in your mouth for 20-30 minutes..
Go ahead, it's a lot of fun... (you might want to clean out your desk first before attempting this...)
___
UHB: In the early nineteenth century, Dr. Charles Duncan conducted research into therapies with self-produced substances, including urine therapy.
TVGuy: Dr. Charles Duncan also believed in "Santa"
___
UHB: In the early nineteenth century, Dr. Charles Duncan conducted research into therapies with self-produced substances, including urine therapy.
TVGuy: Dr. Charles Duncan also believed in "Santa"
(He also may or may not have led an expedition into Montana to find the Keebler Elves...)
___
UHS: He demonstrated that patients suffering from gonorrhoeic urethritis (infection of the urinary tube as a result of the venereal disease gonorrhoea) produce their own meditation in the form of their own discharge.
TVGuy: I'm guessing Dr. Duncan wasn't invited to a lot of dinner parties...
___
UHS: Ten effects of Urine Therapy: Reabsorption and reuse of nutrients, Reabsorption of hormones, Reabsorption of enzymes, Reabsorption of urea, Immunological effect, Bactericidal and virucidal effect, Salt therapy, Diuretic effect, Transmutation theory, Psychological effect.
TVGuy: Kind of burying "Psychological Effect" pretty deep in that sentence, no?? Myself, I lead with that...
___
UHS: The latter implies that urine, as a holographic substance, can affect all levels of being, from the physical, through the electromagnetic fields of the emotions and the mind, up to the subtler genetic vibrational information of the soul.
TVGuy: When trying to ferret out whether your health practioner is a little on the mentally challenged side, let the phrase "Genetic Vibrational Information Of The Soul" serve as a guidepost, won't you??
___
UHS: Wash the fundament and it is good against piles and other sores.
TVGuy: You couldn't pay me enough money to look up the word "piles" in Google Images.. you just couldn't...
___
UHS: He demonstrated that patients suffering from gonorrhoeic urethritis (infection of the urinary tube as a result of the venereal disease gonorrhoea) produce their own meditation in the form of their own discharge.
TVGuy: I'm guessing Dr. Duncan wasn't invited to a lot of dinner parties...
___
UHS: Ten effects of Urine Therapy: Reabsorption and reuse of nutrients, Reabsorption of hormones, Reabsorption of enzymes, Reabsorption of urea, Immunological effect, Bactericidal and virucidal effect, Salt therapy, Diuretic effect, Transmutation theory, Psychological effect.
TVGuy: Kind of burying "Psychological Effect" pretty deep in that sentence, no?? Myself, I lead with that...
___
UHS: The latter implies that urine, as a holographic substance, can affect all levels of being, from the physical, through the electromagnetic fields of the emotions and the mind, up to the subtler genetic vibrational information of the soul.
TVGuy: When trying to ferret out whether your health practioner is a little on the mentally challenged side, let the phrase "Genetic Vibrational Information Of The Soul" serve as a guidepost, won't you??
___
UHS: Wash the fundament and it is good against piles and other sores.
TVGuy: You couldn't pay me enough money to look up the word "piles" in Google Images.. you just couldn't...
(And no, I don't know what "fundament" means either... I'm letting this topic finish up...)
_________
That was exhausting...
I'm just happy that "Urine Therapy" won't be catching on in the U.S. anytime soon...
We can still rejoice in the fact that everywhere in this great land of ours children will begin their summers building lemonade stands and selling the only true yellow liquid anyone should consume...
AIIEEE!!!
(What's worse, that this image is on Google, or that I typed "Urine Therapy" into an Image search in the first place?)
__________________
Insane? If giving away all your worldly possessions, renouncing society, and learning how to purify and drink your own urine is insane, then, mmm, yes, color me insane...
--"Boy Meets World" (ABC)
_________
That was exhausting...
I'm just happy that "Urine Therapy" won't be catching on in the U.S. anytime soon...
We can still rejoice in the fact that everywhere in this great land of ours children will begin their summers building lemonade stands and selling the only true yellow liquid anyone should consume...
AIIEEE!!!
(What's worse, that this image is on Google, or that I typed "Urine Therapy" into an Image search in the first place?)
__________________
Insane? If giving away all your worldly possessions, renouncing society, and learning how to purify and drink your own urine is insane, then, mmm, yes, color me insane...
--"Boy Meets World" (ABC)
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