Another shot from the Chatfield Botanic Garden Xmas display this year... a bit more abstract than the rest...
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I was at the supermarket twice in one day last week, once around 4pm and later around 11pm... and it's two completely different experiences...
At 4, there are students milling about, people picking up a few items for dinner, housewives with toddlers in those weird SportsCarShoppingCarts... a pretty representative cross-section of Americana I'd think...
But at 11pm it's a whole different animal.
Excluding employees, I'd say there were maybe 14 people total in the store... myself included. There's a different "vibe" (for lack of a better word) at that late hour... everyone had that "Seriously, What The Hell Am I Doing Here??" look about them... many of them may have been the Undead...
I think half of the folks were talking to themselves, muttering, cursing, blaming anyone and anything for their shopping plight...
(Or they had a really tiny bluetooth in their ears... it's getting really hard to tell who is psychotic anymore... you see a woman talking to a rutabega and you begin to step away until you notice the earpiece....)
While I'm talking about the grocery experience... everybody pretty much sticks to what they know at the store... you get your same 6-13 items and be on your way... ignoring the thousands of items lurking just off to the side of your toothpaste, cat food and Q-tips... Similar to the way someone would stick to trails they might know to be safe on the slopes. I know if I'm doing that with some friends, most of them stick to the trails they are comfortable with the same way they stick to the items they know at the grocery store.
While backing away from the Crazy Rutabega Lady I found myself watching a 96-year-old man shopping in the terrifying aisle of the Canned Meat Emporium... and found myself horrified at both the sheer volume of disgusting food and the amount of it that was going in his grocery cart.... so I sauntered over for a closer look after he left...
The amount of potted and mechanically separated mystery meats in this aisle was incredible, most of it looking incredibly disgusting. Krill oil sounds pretty gross too, but it may actually be one of the best things you can consume. It will definitely help your body out if you are one of the people who decides to eat these awful canned meats. The Antarctic krill oil and its omega 3s help your heart, cholesterol and maintain your overall health after eating these horrifying meats.
Join me, won't you??
The Top Ten Most Horrifying Grocery Items In The History Of The Earth....
10. Vienna Sausages.
Look, it's barely meat... and I'm pretty sure it's not from Vienna (the name comes from the German word for "Weiner" (Viennese) by the way).
Either way, who the hell is buying these?? Have you ever seen a recipe that calls for them? And if you did, would you make it?? "No" is my answer of choice...
9. Potted Meat Food Product.
What's that? You've never heard of Potted Meat Food Product? Here, let me rip open the can for you...
Perfect for people who want to have dinner with their cats... and only have one food available!
8. Underwood Deviled Ham.
First of all, I love the items next to the deviled ham sandwich.... apparently the serving suggestion for this hearty lunch is to also include a small piece of celery and a single strawberry... you know, just like they do in all the finer French restaurants...
But more importantly, why is this aluminum can completely wrapped in paper? Are they trying to be classy? It can't be because they are trying to keep the product, you know, fresher, can it??
Are there any other products packaged like this?? There aren't, right?
7. Canned Bacon.
Yep, you read that right...
No, I'm not sure why it exists either... let's just move on....
6. Tongues.
Sure, you're thinking I'm full of crap at this point... no manufacturer would dare remove, collect, process, then can tongues, right??
Wrong.
5. Pork Brains.
The term "Pork Brains" doesn't make any sense... are they "Pig Brains"??
Because "Pork" doesn't have a "Brain", right?
Seriously, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!?
(This blog entry is exhausting me...)
But if you're anything like me, you are thanking God right now that the manufacturer at least had the good sense to place them in Delicious Milk Gravy!!
You should also note that one serving of the product has 1,170% of the Recommended Daily Amount of Cholesterol for human beings..
In other words, Pork Brains somehow contain more cholesterol... than Cholesterol.
(But at least they're swimming in Delicious Milk Gravy!!)
4. Scorpions
The Top Ten Most Horrifying Grocery Items In The History Of The Earth....
10. Vienna Sausages.
Look, it's barely meat... and I'm pretty sure it's not from Vienna (the name comes from the German word for "Weiner" (Viennese) by the way).
Either way, who the hell is buying these?? Have you ever seen a recipe that calls for them? And if you did, would you make it?? "No" is my answer of choice...
9. Potted Meat Food Product.
What's that? You've never heard of Potted Meat Food Product? Here, let me rip open the can for you...
Perfect for people who want to have dinner with their cats... and only have one food available!
Let's be honest, it's the single worst name for a food item in the history of mankind ("Potted"... "Product"... really??)
Random Blog Reader: Hey TVGuy, how bad could it be?... it comes in a can, right?
TVGuy: Sure, not bad at all... if you enjoy mechanically separated poultry.
Random Blog Reader: Right! See, that's what I'm... er... what?
TVGuy: "Mechanically Separated Poultry" is a paste-like product made by forcing crushed bone and tissue through a sieve to separate bone from tissue.
Random Blog Reader: (nauseous) Yeah, but it's not like that's the main ingredient... obviously it's something like "100% Beef", "Farm-Fresh Organic Poultry" or something like that right??
TVGuy: (reading 1st ingredient from label) Partially defatted cooked beef fatty tissue....
Random Blog Reader: (running to bathroom...)
8. Underwood Deviled Ham.
First of all, I love the items next to the deviled ham sandwich.... apparently the serving suggestion for this hearty lunch is to also include a small piece of celery and a single strawberry... you know, just like they do in all the finer French restaurants...
But more importantly, why is this aluminum can completely wrapped in paper? Are they trying to be classy? It can't be because they are trying to keep the product, you know, fresher, can it??
Are there any other products packaged like this?? There aren't, right?
7. Canned Bacon.
Yep, you read that right...
No, I'm not sure why it exists either... let's just move on....
6. Tongues.
Sure, you're thinking I'm full of crap at this point... no manufacturer would dare remove, collect, process, then can tongues, right??
Wrong.
Tom Piper had other ideas...
I wouldn't feed that to a starving child....
I wouldn't feed that to a starving child....
5. Pork Brains.
The term "Pork Brains" doesn't make any sense... are they "Pig Brains"??
Because "Pork" doesn't have a "Brain", right?
Seriously, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!?
(This blog entry is exhausting me...)
But if you're anything like me, you are thanking God right now that the manufacturer at least had the good sense to place them in Delicious Milk Gravy!!
You should also note that one serving of the product has 1,170% of the Recommended Daily Amount of Cholesterol for human beings..
In other words, Pork Brains somehow contain more cholesterol... than Cholesterol.
(But at least they're swimming in Delicious Milk Gravy!!)
4. Scorpions
I'm pretty sure human beings would eat themselves if they got hungry enough at this point.....
3. Cheeseburgers!!
Ian Malcolm: Oooh! Ahhh! That's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming. Taking dinosaurs off this island is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas...
--"The Lost World: Jurassic Park" (1997)
With all due respect to Jeff Goldblum who uttered that line, THIS is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas....
Tell me you could NOT buy this just to see what the hell it looks like on the inside...
(Yeah, that's what I thought....)
2. Chicken!!
Moist, delicious... Whole Roasted Chicken.... it's a holiday tradition for millions....
Just. Not. In. A. Can.
1. Yes, it's the most disgusting thing ever placed inside a metal tin....
3. Cheeseburgers!!
Ian Malcolm: Oooh! Ahhh! That's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming. Taking dinosaurs off this island is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas...
--"The Lost World: Jurassic Park" (1997)
With all due respect to Jeff Goldblum who uttered that line, THIS is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas....
Tell me you could NOT buy this just to see what the hell it looks like on the inside...
(Yeah, that's what I thought....)
2. Chicken!!
Moist, delicious... Whole Roasted Chicken.... it's a holiday tradition for millions....
Just. Not. In. A. Can.
1. Yes, it's the most disgusting thing ever placed inside a metal tin....
(drum roll please...)
Oh, come on... that was such an obvious joke...
Oh, come on... that was such an obvious joke...
I actually sorta kinda enjoy a SPAMburger from time to time...
("from time to time" means, I've had 2 in my life...it's not a weekly thing folks...)
Fine, you really want a Number One? So be it...
MMMM.... Crunchy Insect Pupae!!!
Fine, you really want a Number One? So be it...
MMMM.... Crunchy Insect Pupae!!!
Who wants seconds?!
(I guess the whole point of this is... next time you bitch about a piece of fruitcake... keep it in perspective, okay?)
___________________
Tony: Every day is a gift. It's just, does it have to be a pair of socks?
--"The Sopranos" (HBO)
(I guess the whole point of this is... next time you bitch about a piece of fruitcake... keep it in perspective, okay?)
___________________
Tony: Every day is a gift. It's just, does it have to be a pair of socks?
--"The Sopranos" (HBO)
2 comments:
Oh that was terrific - i'm not sure of the last time I have laughed so hard out loud and no one else was in the room, telling a joke or acting like a complete fool.
I almost passed out 3 times reading that post. And then you end it with the most gruesome thing imaginable. I'd like to thank you for entertaining me and horrifying me all at the same time! Congratulations.
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