Bad Movie Monday - Live from the TVGuy Mansion!

My 45th Favorite picture out of my Top 100 is...



















A nice Autumn day in Guanella Pass....

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Happy Cinco de Mayo (it's not the Mexican "Fourth of July" by the way... that would be September 16th...)

What better way to celebrate this happy day than our first ever Live Running Diary here at TVGuy...

The Date: May 5, 2008
The Time: 11:45 a.m.
The Event: Bad Movie Monday Double Feature
The Place: TVGuy Mansion
The Participants: TVGuy, TV's Matt and "James From Work"

11:45am: My first attempt at a Live Diary of an event... who knows how it will turn out? Who knows if we can survive these films? A coin flip will decide the order... and as always, a shoutout to TV's Ty, who along with myself began the tradition of Bad Movie Monday years ago and whose spirit, determination and perseverance allowed us to survive the worst BMM of all time.. the twin bill of "Gigli" and "From Justin to Kelly"... a double feature that has never been topped since in sheer punishing awfulness... will today's exceed it? Only one way to find out... time for the coin flip....

11:55am: But wait... we have a Special Guest Star! Yes, it's... er... well, "Special Guest Star Ernie!" making a surprise appearance... obviously the free food has drawn him in... on the menu... chicken enchiladas, spicy black beans, turmeric rice (yellow rice) and taquitos with salsa... yes, it's Cinco de Mayo even inside the walls of TVGuy mansion... so we'll chow down first then hit the first film running... which is....

12:22pm: I Know Who Killed Me! (with Lindsay Lohan!)

12:23pm: And we begin... the FBI "You Can't Duplicate This Movie Under Any Circumstances" warning is greeted with derision....

Special Guest Star Ernie: Why is that even there?
James From Work: Wouldn't they want to encourage illegal duplication? Please watch this movie!

12:25pm: Oh god... starting out early with Lindsay on the stripper pole...

TV's Matt: That is the most clothes I've ever seen on a stripper...
Special Guest Star Ernie: Do they credit her twice since she's playing twins?

...later that minute...

James From Work: I'm going to get this on Itunes when I get home...
Special Guest Star Ernie: I'll just hum the songs for you....

12:29pm: it's horrible to be sure...

(Lindsay is at a school reading something to a class about.. er.. really, do you care?)

TVGuy: What the hell is she wearing?
Special Guest Star Ernie: Ah, beauty AND brains!
James From Work: It's from the JCPenney Stripper collection....

12:31pm: Lindsay Lohan's cat makes an appearance... well, we think it's a cat..

Special Guest Star Ernie: Is that a hemmoroid?
TV's Matt: I think that's Dr. Evil's cat...
James From Work: Ick.

12:33pm: Honestly, what is this movie even about? Some guy just gave her a blue rose... "from some place on the street"...

12:35pm: Something about Full Metacarpal removal... so her fingers get cut off?

12:37pm: Hey, it's a woodchipper!

TV's Matt: Wow, nothing can go wrong with a woodchipper on screen...
James From Work: My neighbor's arm got cut off in a woodchipper...

(we pause the movie now for James to explain himself....)

12:44pm: we've just seen the woodchipper guy take off his shirt and Lindsay flips him off, then we're at a football game. Honestly, I've never been more confused in my life...

12:45pm: She says she'll be meeting someone at 11:45pm...

TV's Matt: 11:45pm?
TVGuy: That's awfully specific.. what, 11:51:30pm was taken?
Special Guest Star Ernie: You said you'd be here at 11:45pm!! It's 11:46pm!!!!!!!!! Where have you been??

(they run to her car..)

James From Work: OH MY GOD! She's got a speeding ticket!!

12:47pm: Some Guy in movie: I'm sorry Bob, we're going to have to take that computer and duplicate the hard drive...
TV's Matt: Can I erase the porn first? No? Okay...

12:48pm: Everything is blue in this movie... except for her fingers which are being burned off by a psychopath with dry ice... Citizen Kane 2 this isn't....

12:50pm: We've decided that every time there is a new blue object in the film (4,123 items so far and counting) we'll be taking a drink... I expect us all to be passed out in ten minutes... TV's Matt is "feeling blue" so he just took two drinks...

12:52pm:

James From Work: What are the odds that the end of this movie ends with "It's all a dream"...
Special Guest Star Ernie: She wakes up at 11:44pm... my god, it's almost 11:45pm!! Help me!!

We spend two minutes trying to guess the end of the film... none of even have an idea what the hell is going on... so we're unsuccessful.... in an unrelated note, TVCat just left the room angrily...

1:01pm: Lindsay is in a hospital bed, missing her hand and her foot... at least there is less of her to hate now....

More blue stuff...

James From Work: This film is filmed in Smurf-o-vision...
TV's Matt: Hey, how about a high five..er.. sorry...

1:07pm: Does anyone remember when Lindsay Lohan was considered attractive? Because this movie is doing its damn best to bury that idea... forever...

1:08pm: And she can't act either. At all. But TVCat is back... and the hand and foot being cut off just isn't getting old...

James From Work: I can't wait to get up and walk up out of...er...
Special Guest Star Ernie: Hey, I got new shoes... half off! er...

1:10pm: Worst line ever... Lindsay: "Do I look like I'm in a fucking coma?" I'd say no, since you're... well... TALKING....

1:12pm: I offer one dollar to the group to whoever figures out what's going on...

1:14pm: And she's stripping... TV's Matt thinks she has "Stunt Nipples"....

1:15pm: the Britney, Lindsay and Hannah Montana comparisons have begun... TV's Matt said Britney's pictures last year looked like Benny Hill in a bra...

1:16pm: Worst. Strip. Club. Ever.

Special Guest Star Ernie: I'll tell you what... the best way to show a provocative stripper is to focus on her forehead, I'll be honest with you....
James From Work: This is the most provocative strip club ever... on a fishing pier?? (they are on a pier for reasons passing understanding...)

1:23pm: No one has any idea what is going on... seriously.. none of us... this movie is "Gigliesque"...

1:25pm: Wait, we've figured it out... It's The Blue Man Group!! They're behind everything!!

1:27pm: Hey, it's the Crabman from "My Name is Earl"... wearing a yellow jacket from the Century 21 collection....

1:29pm: Wow, they have shown her arm and leg missing about 2,313 times... just because they guy who is doing special effects is really good at erasing her real one... and.. er... god, I'm losing the will to live...

1:31pm: Oh no, they're going to have sex... please no... stop it...

1:32pm: The number of missing hand and foot jokes have now reached around 40,000... I can't possibly keep up... I need a court stenographer... stat...

1:33pm: TV's Matt: What the Fuck is Going On?

That sums it up pretty well....

1:34pm: Special Guest Star Ernie: The end of the movie will be someone who comes on screen and laughs at us and says "I can't believe you watched this movie!"

At this point I'd give that 2-1 odds...

1:39pm: Special Guest Star Ernie: Is this film the reason Heath Ledger killed himself?
TVGuy: No, but this is the reason I'm going to kill myself....

1:45pm: Let's let Glenn Kenny from Premiere Magazine chime in on this film...

I can't say I was too surprised by how risible, grotesque, and incoherent I Know Who Killed Me is. But I can't say I was prepared for its pretentiousness. If the picture has any use at all, it's as a case study in what happens when the talentless attempt to emulate the inspired.

He's being kind...

1:46pm: She's surfing the web... on a search engine page...

TV's Matt: Could she type in "what the hell is going on"?
James From Work: I think her words per minute have been cut in half...
Special Guest Star Ernie: Ask Jeeves about "Stigmata!"

1:48pm: I went to college, I've seen thousands of movies... but I honestly have absolutely no idea what is going on... None. But TV's Matt brought giant Toll House Cookies so things are looking up....

1:54pm: James From Work: At the end of the movie, they'll be a credit that reads "I still know who killed me..." Coming Summer 2009...

I have to say even I wouldn't watch that film....

1:55pm: We're an hour and 20 minutes in... if there is a benevolent God, we'll be wrapping up Movie One anytime now...

1:57pm: Okay, she pours blue liquid on her finger that's been cut off, then drinks out of the same bottle, then begins sewing her dead finger back on her hand....

Nope, there is no way I made up anything in that last sentence.....

2:00pm: A little disappointed the Woodchipper didn't have a bigger role in this...

2:02pm: Lindsay just said "I know who killed me"... she honestly just said the title of the film... cackling ensued from the group... I can't tell you how funny that was... wow...

2:04pm: While Special Guest Star Ernie goes to the little boy's room, the rest of the group decides that we'll turn off the TV and pretend that the film's over...

Ernie walks out of the bathroom....

TVGuy: Wow, I can't believe Dustin Hoffman was in the movie for 10 seconds then it ended...
James From Work: And that thing with the Fetus?
TV's Matt: And the Siamese Twins!
TVGuy: Seriously, how much did they have to pay Dustin Hoffman to be in that movie?

(Ernie believes everything we say... we give up eventually and resume the film much to Ernie's chagrin...)

2:12pm: By the way, no one has won the dollar... this movie is crazy screwed up... and now Lindsay is being attacked by the Blue Man Group...

2:15pm: So the piano teacher is revealed as the villain... we think.... it's not really that important is it?

2:16pm: She just killed the piano teacher... isn't that great?

2:18pm: We're actually talking about the second film and how it won't be as bad as this... we're clearly insane now...

2:23pm: And the movie's over! And she is lying next to her twin in a grave and...er... I don't honestly know...

2:25pm:

Ratings (out of 100)
TV's Matt: 07 (good job with prostethtics)
James From Work: 09 (it makes him want more... we don't understand either...)
Special Guest Star Ernie: 45 (he had a great time watching it with us... but if he had been alone, it would have got a 1.)
TVGuy: 01 (it was in color...)

and now, film 2... yes, it's "Alien vs. Predator 2"... heavy, heavy sigh...

2:30pm: Special Guest Star Ernie wishes to change his number for the first film... to "11.45".. too late... 45 it is...

2:32pm: An Alien just broke out of the chest of a Predator...

TV's Matt: It's a Hybrid!
James From Work: It's a Prius!

2:34pm: Ah, a little kid hunting with his father about to kill a small deer... ugh... fortunately the alien's ship has just crashlanded nearby... I'm pretty weak from the last film to tell you the truth...

2:36pm: And the alien facehugger jumps on the dad... and the kid!

Special Guest Star Ernie: I know who killed me!!!

2:44pm: Hey, the pizza delivery guy says it's 56 bucks for the four pizzas... that's pricey, right?

2:45pm: and the two aliens burst out of the chests of the deerhunters... you don't really see a kid killed that violently in a film that often...

2:46pm: They are trying to build some sort of character backstory with our supporting cast... but dear God I don't care at all... the fact that the Aliens and Predators are on current day Earth is so retarded that I am speechless...

2:47pm: Special Guest Star Ernie asks how many will die in this film?

TVGuy: 13
TV's Matt: 37
James From Work: 19
Special Guest Star Ernie: 27

5 so far are no longer within us...

3:04pm: And 6 are now dead... this movie is so unbelievably boring.. and yet still 84 times better than the last film... I'm asked to look up the credits for the Director of "I know who killed me"...

and it turns out he's directed very little.. but most notably "All Cheerleaders Die"... that's all you need to know...

3:07pm: We were going to have a drinking game for this film whenever anything was "dark" but we'd all be dead now if we'd decided that...

3:09pm: They are still talking about the Woodchipper from the last film... I'm in hell....

3:10pm: And we're up to 7!

3:11pm: And now 8!! They're dropping like flies...

3:12pm: I've decided to give the dollar to the winner of this contest.. and number 9 just went down!!

3:13pm: the hot blonde girl in the pool room at night is now wearing less clothes than Lindsey Lohan in the last film.. and she was a stripper!!!

3:14pm: James From Work just was talking about Cher and "Dancing with the Stars"... I don't have the energy to transcribe it...

3:15pm: 10 are dead!!

3:16pm: 11! They're going down like sweet muffins!

3:17pm: and now there are 12... my "13" is looking woefully anemic at this point...

3:18pm: This movie is... wow, they just blew someone's head off... they are definately spending money on effects here.. and we're at 13...

3:20pm: By the way, this movie has an alien that is referred to as "Alien"... that's lazy, right? Although "Predator" is also lazy.... do these species have names? What's next, "Arthropod Vs. Opposible Thumb Guy"!!

3:21pm: We're up to 15... wow...

3:22pm: Geez.. 18 dead... the "fake blood" budget for this film was pretty high... and even though 18 are dead, I couldn't have been more bored by any of their sacrifices... I'm begging you Hollywood... stop making these films...

3:23pm: 19 are no longer with us... wait, the alien is threatening a pregnant woman!! And it just put two embryos down her throat.. but is that one dead or two???? Wow, who knew that the Right-For-Life crowd would have a say in this...

3:25pm: God, 24 are dead now... dropping like flies.. wait, 25...

3:30pm: This is one horribly violent film...

3:31pm: A character just said "That's crazy... the Government doesn't lie to people!!" Ah, the irony....

3:38pm: I'm. Bored.

3:43pm: This film is at least competently made... but it's pretty sucky nonetheless....

3:45pm: I'd like to see "Iron Man" soon.. just wanted to put that out there...

3:48pm: 26 are dead!!!

3:50pm: 27 died in a seriously creative and cool way.. and wait, 28! No, wait.. false alarm.. 27 it is...

3:52pm: by the way.. .this single Predator guy has killed about 19 aliens... so they're lame, even though their blood is made of acid...

3:54pm: 27 still dead..

3:56pm: Well, they just dropped a nuclear warhead on the city... so the final number is about 18,093... no one is winning...

3:59pm: our thoughts turn to our next Bad Movie Monday.. what are our choices? "Baby Geniuses 2"? "Master of Disguisey"?

4:01pm: Directed by "The Brothers Strause"!! It took two people to do this?

Final score for this one...

(Rating out of 100)
TV's Matt: 38
Special Guest Star Ernie: 15
James At Work: 26
TVGuy: 24

We'll see ya later...

___________________
Ripley: These people are here to protect you. They're soldiers.
Newt: It won't make any difference....
--"Aliens" (1986)