This was at the Botanic Gardens Xmas Display... just rotated my camera on the tripod during a long exposure and this was the result... I like it quite a bit...
_______
Your weekly Nielsen ratings ensue...
Rank / Show / Network / Viewers (in millions)
1. "American Idol" (Tuesday), Fox, 24.74
2. "American Idol" (Wednesday), Fox, 23.2
3. "Dancing with the Stars" (Monday), ABC, 18.04
4. "Dancing with the Stars" (Tuesday), ABC, 17.97
5. "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," CBS, 17.02
6. "Grey's Anatomy," ABC, 16.37
7. "Desperate Housewives," ABC, 16.35
8. "CSI: Miami," CBS, 14.38
9. "NCIS," CBS, 14.24
10. "Without a Trace," CBS, 13.47
11. "Two and a Half Men," CBS, 13.36
12. "Survivor: Micronesia," CBS, 12.9
13. "Law & Order," NBC, 12.75
14. "Lost," ABC, 12.08
15. "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," ABC, 12.07
16. "Law & Order: Special Victim's Unit," NBC, 11.64
17. "Cold Case," CBS, 11.62
18. "Brothers and Sisters," ABC, 11.19
19. "Hell's Kitchen," Fox, 10.98
20. "Rules of Engagement," CBS, 10.57
____
I got this email the other day from... well, someone... I honestly don't remember now... but it was one of those form emails that you get from time to time... titled "Special Thanks".... but it was presented as an original work... after a quick Google search I surmised that wasn't the case... but I'd like to take a crack at each statement in the email if I could....
Email: I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year...
TVGuy: Thanks! Although I don't know what you're talking about... please continue....
_
Email: Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
_
Email: Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
TVGuy: Well, you're welcome.. I'm only too happy to... er...
Huh?
Ah, the whole germ thing... yeah, I get that... and after kinda watching coworkers' hand washing habits the last few months... yikes... but I open the door without a paper towel anyway... next!
_
Email: I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
TVGuy: Umm... that thought had never occurred to me.. I'm going to just assume they aren't masturbating with the remote, and never think about this again....
_
Email: I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed...
TVGuy: Sorry, but I have faith in the fact that the hotel uses.. you know, hot water... in washing the linens here...
_
Email: I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking their nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
TVGuy: Give me a break... if I have to worry about that, I may as well go insane... besides, who shakes hands with people nowadays anyway?
_
Email: Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years...
Email: Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years...
TVGuy: Yep... as a kid I ate about 19 metric tons of Hostess foods...
But as an adult, I've bought none. Zero. Zilch.
Look, as a kid I ate fast food more times than I care to think about... and well into my twenties fried food was a large part of my weekly diet....
But remember.. you replace about 98 percent of the atoms in your body every year... I just had my yearly physical the other day and granted I've been working out like a fiend these past 11 weeks but all the years of eating crap with trans-fat this and that had to take its toll, right?
Wrong. I have the blood of a 23-year-old man according to my doctor. My prostate and thyroid tests were so good I'm thinking of donating my body to medical science before I die...
My point is... we're a pretty resilient species.... everything isn't as bad as it's made out to be....
Having said all this, none of my friends have 11 fingers, or glow in the dark, or telepathically communicate with sea life... I think kids could eat nothing but barbed wire and velcro and still end up just fine... next....
_
Look, as a kid I ate fast food more times than I care to think about... and well into my twenties fried food was a large part of my weekly diet....
But remember.. you replace about 98 percent of the atoms in your body every year... I just had my yearly physical the other day and granted I've been working out like a fiend these past 11 weeks but all the years of eating crap with trans-fat this and that had to take its toll, right?
Wrong. I have the blood of a 23-year-old man according to my doctor. My prostate and thyroid tests were so good I'm thinking of donating my body to medical science before I die...
My point is... we're a pretty resilient species.... everything isn't as bad as it's made out to be....
Having said all this, none of my friends have 11 fingers, or glow in the dark, or telepathically communicate with sea life... I think kids could eat nothing but barbed wire and velcro and still end up just fine... next....
_
Email: I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom...
TVGuy: I'd never thought of that... and yet I couldn't give less of a crap... when's the last time as a man you touched the BOTTOM of a women's purse? Yep, me too... (that is to say, never)
Let me change this up a bit... how many times do you touch the bottom of your shoes in a year? More than a couple, right? Don't they walk around all over everything including bathroom floors every single day?
Do I care if my hands brush up against the soles of my shoes? Not at all.. in fact, I think I'll go lick them right now.. just to prove a point...
(on second thought... next!)
_
Email: I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Let me change this up a bit... how many times do you touch the bottom of your shoes in a year? More than a couple, right? Don't they walk around all over everything including bathroom floors every single day?
Do I care if my hands brush up against the soles of my shoes? Not at all.. in fact, I think I'll go lick them right now.. just to prove a point...
(on second thought... next!)
_
Email: I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
TVGuy: I mail about 5 envelopes a year... thanks to online banking... and the 5 times I lick an envelope? Couldn't care less about "Glue-Poop"... bring it on.....
_
Email: Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
TVGuy: I'm sure cans have some residue here and there... but I can't bring myself to care.. I just can't....
_
Email: I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
TVGuy: Wait, Penny is ill? Oh my god!! Why wasn't I informed? How can I help?!?
_
Email: I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
TVGuy: Gotta say, I've never gotten that Spam email.. but if you can't figure out that that's just a load of crap.. how the hell do you have $15,000 lying around??
Also, what is this "AOL" you speak of?!?
_
Email: I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
TVGuy: Maybe St. Theresa should take a look at poor Penny Brown... I understand she's not doing so well...
I also had to look up the definition of the word "novena"... dammit....
_
Email: I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
TVGuy: I no longer eat KFC because their chicken has more fat, sodium and calories than an entire Chinese Buffet...
_
Email: I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
TVGuy: Look you dodo bird... the National Cancer Institute doesn't think there is a connection between deodorants and cancer... so for God's sake would you slap on some Speed Stick so I don't think there are water buffaloes roaming the city streets.... thanks....
_
Email: Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
TVGuy: If you for one second surmise that sending out... er... bulk emails.... will... uh....
Well, okay... that actually works. How do you think I found TVGal?
_
Email: Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
TVGuy: I drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.... handy to have around...
_
Email: I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
TVGuy: Oh for God's sake.. lock the doors why don't you... if you're dumb enough that someone can enter your car without you noticing while you're... you know... 1 foot away from your car... then that's just our Supreme Being's way of thinning the herd...
_
Email: I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
TVGuy: I drink Pepsi and Dr. Pepper because the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans... and I'm pretty sure their stuff will remove toilet stains also... or so I've heard....
_
Email: I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
TVGuy: Nimwit... here with more are the good folks from Saran Wrap...
A statement by the SC Johnson company says the "plasticizer" in Saran Wrap is derivative of naturally occurring citric acid found in citrus fruits and is 100% dioxin free. The statement further adds that dioxins can only be formed with chlorine is combined with the kinds of high temperatures associated with waste incinerators, temperatures like 1,500 degrees F. Even the most powerful microwaves are not capable of those temperatures, according to the company. SC Johnson says none of its products contains dioxins.
_
Email: And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
TVGuy: Actually, this one has just a sliver of truth to it... you can "superheat" water in a microwave, but only if you leave it in there for like 15 minutes on High Power... but even then, you'd have to be looking down into the cup at the precise moment it decided to burst forth... which isn't very likely now is it...
If this scares you, then just put a wooden spoon or stir stick in your cup of water... this will form "nucleation sites" that allow the formation of bubbles... also, you can use an old cup or non glass vessel (something that may have slight dings in the surface which also forms bubbles...)
But really, you should be worrying about something else far more serious... for example, did you know that ABC was thinking about renewing "According to Jim" for another year!!? Yikes!!
_
Email: I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with HIV.
TVGuy: Umm.. what's a "pay phone"...?
(By the way, there isn't a single account of this ever happening in our planet's history...)
_
Email: I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
TVGuy: Ummm... no. It's really tough to make an airborne sample so strong that it causes unconsciousness... and this isn't an Austin Powers movie... next...
_
Email: I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
TVGuy: Simply put, you're an idiot...
Next...
_
Email: I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
TVGuy: Hey, they're French for goodness' sake.. what do you expect here?
(Side note: I know everyone loves Target and loves pronouncing their store name "Tar-jay"... but I was just there last week and I'm sorry.. but the store is a bit... how do I say this... er... "white-trashy"... right? Is it just me? I wouldn't wear their clothes on a dare...)
_
Email: I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ...
TVGuy: I don't understand this at all... someone asks you to dial a number that you don't know.. and you do it? Really?
If that's the case, you wouldn't happen to have $15,000 lying around, would you?? If so, send it to TVGuy, PO Box 33100, Denver, CO....
thanks ever so much...
_
Email: I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
TVGuy: If you haven't heard by now that this is an urban legend (Neiman Marcus stores didn't even sell cookies when the rumor started!!) then there is no hope for you... but I also understand that the recipe yields delicious cookies! And since I'm all about the giving...
Email: Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
TVGuy: Just imagine how screwed you'd be if you put a woman's purse down on the bathroom floor next to it! Double Jeopardy!!
_
Email: And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
TVGuy: Actually, that's my five dollar bill.. it fell out of my pocket.. thanks... if you could just send that to TVGuy, PO Box 33100, Denver, CO....
thanks ever so much....
_
Email: I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
TVGuy: Well, sure.. you shouldn't be buying gas from "Hitler's German Fuel-o-Rama" or "H20 Fuels Inc." or "Al's 'I can't believe it's not Gasoline!' "... but other than that.. shut the hell up and jam the nozzle in your SUV already why don't you....
_
Email: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
TVGuy: Yeah, but she had it coming to her... she didn't forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
_
Email: Have a wonderful day....
TVGuy: Why.. thank you... I guess we're done then....
Email: Oh, by the way.....
TVGuy: I guess we're not done yet... Yes?
Email: A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
TVGuy: Damn, my hand is on my mouse.. oh no! Must. Get. It. Off. Before....
Email: Don't even bother taking it off now. it's too late!!
TVGuy: Arghhh!!! I need to email Sister Theresa pronto... now where is that email address...
_________________________
Conan: In an effort to protect the environment, Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using toilet paper should be introduced. In a related story, don't ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow...
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)
Email: Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
TVGuy: I'm sure cans have some residue here and there... but I can't bring myself to care.. I just can't....
_
Email: I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
TVGuy: Wait, Penny is ill? Oh my god!! Why wasn't I informed? How can I help?!?
_
Email: I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
TVGuy: Gotta say, I've never gotten that Spam email.. but if you can't figure out that that's just a load of crap.. how the hell do you have $15,000 lying around??
Also, what is this "AOL" you speak of?!?
_
Email: I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
TVGuy: Maybe St. Theresa should take a look at poor Penny Brown... I understand she's not doing so well...
I also had to look up the definition of the word "novena"... dammit....
_
Email: I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
TVGuy: I no longer eat KFC because their chicken has more fat, sodium and calories than an entire Chinese Buffet...
_
Email: I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
TVGuy: Look you dodo bird... the National Cancer Institute doesn't think there is a connection between deodorants and cancer... so for God's sake would you slap on some Speed Stick so I don't think there are water buffaloes roaming the city streets.... thanks....
_
Email: Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
TVGuy: If you for one second surmise that sending out... er... bulk emails.... will... uh....
Well, okay... that actually works. How do you think I found TVGal?
_
Email: Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
TVGuy: I drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.... handy to have around...
_
Email: I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
TVGuy: Oh for God's sake.. lock the doors why don't you... if you're dumb enough that someone can enter your car without you noticing while you're... you know... 1 foot away from your car... then that's just our Supreme Being's way of thinning the herd...
_
Email: I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
TVGuy: I drink Pepsi and Dr. Pepper because the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans... and I'm pretty sure their stuff will remove toilet stains also... or so I've heard....
_
Email: I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
TVGuy: Nimwit... here with more are the good folks from Saran Wrap...
A statement by the SC Johnson company says the "plasticizer" in Saran Wrap is derivative of naturally occurring citric acid found in citrus fruits and is 100% dioxin free. The statement further adds that dioxins can only be formed with chlorine is combined with the kinds of high temperatures associated with waste incinerators, temperatures like 1,500 degrees F. Even the most powerful microwaves are not capable of those temperatures, according to the company. SC Johnson says none of its products contains dioxins.
_
Email: And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
TVGuy: Actually, this one has just a sliver of truth to it... you can "superheat" water in a microwave, but only if you leave it in there for like 15 minutes on High Power... but even then, you'd have to be looking down into the cup at the precise moment it decided to burst forth... which isn't very likely now is it...
If this scares you, then just put a wooden spoon or stir stick in your cup of water... this will form "nucleation sites" that allow the formation of bubbles... also, you can use an old cup or non glass vessel (something that may have slight dings in the surface which also forms bubbles...)
But really, you should be worrying about something else far more serious... for example, did you know that ABC was thinking about renewing "According to Jim" for another year!!? Yikes!!
_
Email: I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with HIV.
TVGuy: Umm.. what's a "pay phone"...?
(By the way, there isn't a single account of this ever happening in our planet's history...)
_
Email: I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
TVGuy: Ummm... no. It's really tough to make an airborne sample so strong that it causes unconsciousness... and this isn't an Austin Powers movie... next...
_
Email: I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
TVGuy: Simply put, you're an idiot...
Next...
_
Email: I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
TVGuy: Hey, they're French for goodness' sake.. what do you expect here?
(Side note: I know everyone loves Target and loves pronouncing their store name "Tar-jay"... but I was just there last week and I'm sorry.. but the store is a bit... how do I say this... er... "white-trashy"... right? Is it just me? I wouldn't wear their clothes on a dare...)
_
Email: I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ...
TVGuy: I don't understand this at all... someone asks you to dial a number that you don't know.. and you do it? Really?
If that's the case, you wouldn't happen to have $15,000 lying around, would you?? If so, send it to TVGuy, PO Box 33100, Denver, CO....
thanks ever so much...
_
Email: I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
TVGuy: If you haven't heard by now that this is an urban legend (Neiman Marcus stores didn't even sell cookies when the rumor started!!) then there is no hope for you... but I also understand that the recipe yields delicious cookies! And since I'm all about the giving...
Neiman Marcus Cookies
(Recipe may be halved)
2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 cups granulated sugar
2 cups brown sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal (measure oatmeal and blend in blender to a fine powder)
24 oz. chocolate chips
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
2 tsp. vanilla
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet..Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies..
Email: Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
TVGuy: Just imagine how screwed you'd be if you put a woman's purse down on the bathroom floor next to it! Double Jeopardy!!
_
Email: And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
TVGuy: Actually, that's my five dollar bill.. it fell out of my pocket.. thanks... if you could just send that to TVGuy, PO Box 33100, Denver, CO....
thanks ever so much....
_
Email: I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
TVGuy: Well, sure.. you shouldn't be buying gas from "Hitler's German Fuel-o-Rama" or "H20 Fuels Inc." or "Al's 'I can't believe it's not Gasoline!' "... but other than that.. shut the hell up and jam the nozzle in your SUV already why don't you....
_
Email: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
TVGuy: Yeah, but she had it coming to her... she didn't forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
_
Email: Have a wonderful day....
TVGuy: Why.. thank you... I guess we're done then....
Email: Oh, by the way.....
TVGuy: I guess we're not done yet... Yes?
Email: A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
TVGuy: Damn, my hand is on my mouse.. oh no! Must. Get. It. Off. Before....
Email: Don't even bother taking it off now. it's too late!!
TVGuy: Arghhh!!! I need to email Sister Theresa pronto... now where is that email address...
_________________________
Conan: In an effort to protect the environment, Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using toilet paper should be introduced. In a related story, don't ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow...
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)
7 comments:
hi. i will give you some info on the bedspreads in hotels. The comforters in a hotel room are generally washed about once a month so they last longer. I usually rip the comforter off the bed and leave it on the floor for the entire time i`m staying there. The other linens are washed after each stay.
That was pretty damn funny....
Okay, no more comforters... got it..
First, something I've been meaning to comment: About the 100 favorite photos thing that starts off each post, did you actually sit down and look over all your photos and figure out which was your favorite, second favorite, etc., through 100? Or even just narrow it down to a vague list of finalists and kind of decide amongst those each day?
Man, you are either way faster at making up your mind, or you have way more time on your hands than I pretend to.
Hi Doug..
All my photos are on Snapfish... so I just went through the folders, picked about 150 or so that I liked, copied them to a new folder.. then whittled thru them there... do I really like number 45 much better than 49? No. It took me about 20 minutes to arrange them... but the 100 I picked are all basically tied for my favorite... I just put them in this order somewhat arbitrarily... well, except for Number One...
And yes, I have a LOT of free time. :)
And now, about the post at hand (and I apologize in advance for the lack of cleverness that is likely to follow):
Full disclosure: I admit to being prejudiced toward the way I do things, which, for the purposes of this discussion, is composing bits of my own thoughts. That's not saying they are necessarily original or even worth anyone else seeing, but they are mine.
I also rarely forward emails, even if I find them to be entertaining (although the percentage of forwards I find entertaining is very small).
So I'm something of an elitist in these matters.
The worst part of receiving these unattributed compositions is not so much that they aren't that well done, but that people I like enough to be getting emails from thought the messages were not only not stupid but worthy of a bunch of others seeing them.
Which makes me feel like an elitist relative not only to the species in general but also to people I like.
It's amazing I have any friends.
~
So it boils down to this: If you're going to compose something that's attempting to be clever (and here I see what the person was going for, poking fun at the nature of all these specious forwards in something that got forwarded--despite being not as clever as what properly pokes the required level of fun), put it on a blog and get people to send links to it!
Everything is already ruined for everyone, but this way everyone knows who to blame for it.
(I mean, email forwards... are we still in the 1990s or something?)
You know Doug, if you aren't going to take the time to think out your comments, don't bother dropping by... I mean, seriously, maybe more than 1 or 2 words next time... :)
(I agree with everything you said by the way...)
As for whether or not it's the 1990s, I'd address that more fully but I think my alphanumeric pager just went off... excuse me...
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