Number 84 of my Top 100 fav photos is...
TVGal staring wistfully at the sun dropping into the ocean, being viewed at the Dreams Resort in Puerto Vallarta....
____
You have six days to fill out your Free Oscar Pool Ballot.. just email them to me before Saturday at 6pm E.S.T.... remember, there are prizes, and it's free.
I mentioned the free part, right?
Anyway, the ballot can be found here...
____
Casey: I find that when I need a stamp there's never one around. This is back when I used to write letters. When I used to write letters, I could never find a stamp.
Dana: Hey, can you guess what I'm thinking now?
Casey: That no one gives a damn about me and my history with stamps?
Dana: Bullseye!
--"Sports Night" (ABC)
Last Wednesday I went to the post office... well, not a post office per se but a "Postal Station" that was located inside a cards and gift store near my work... thought there might be fewer people there than the understaffed regular branches, and I was happily right... I was peering down a long aisle towards the postal desk, and despite the fact no one was behind there, I was confident I'd be helped shortly...
I skedaddled quickly down the aisle and was first in line, beating by about 4 seconds a woman who had walked down the adjacent aisle, but was not technically in line as I was in front of the sign that said "wait here for service"...
Anyway, after 3 or 4 minutes went by I was about ready to leave when our kindly old postal representative made an appearance... she sauntered right up to the counter and said "Who's Next?"
I opened my mouth and prepared to move forward when the woman to my right said "That's me" and cut in front of me and walked to the counter...
Stunned, I stood there thinking "Fine, Just Wait Til You're Done And Turn Around".... as visions of carving her up like a roast verbally danced merrily in my head...
I was just seconds away from my sarcasm spilling forth like a geyser... victory would ultimately be mine!! No one cuts in line, especially not in front of me!!
Well....
(as always, the following unfortunately happened to me...)
Postal Employee: What can I do for you Honey?
Evil LineCutter: I need to mail this box...
Postal Employee: No problem, did you need insurance? Signature Confirmation?
Evil LineCutter: Umm... could you explain my options here??
Postal Employee: Sure! (goes into a mindnumbing endless permutation of delivery differences that may have numbered over six thousand...)
Evil LineCutter: (5 minutes later...) No, I don't want any of that. I'm just mailing some old newspapers... I'd just like to mail the package please...
TVGuy: (thinking that even though she didn't choose postal insurance that she had at the very least better have health insurance because I was thinking about strangling her then and there.... old newspapers???)
Postal Employee: Okay, that's no problem... oh wait, you didn't write down the address, just the name...
Evil LineCutter: Oh... sorry... let me get that for you.... (reaches into purse and pulls out a DayRunner that is approximately as big as the Printed Copy of the 2007 United States Federal Budget... she then thumbs through this for about 3 minutes and then finally stumbles upon the address she needs On The First Page!!! )
Postal Employee: (looks at me....) We'll be right with you "Honey"...
TVGuy: No problem "Dear"... I was planning on sleeping here tonight anyway so I'd be first in line tomorrow... of course "First In Line" means different things to different people I suppose...
Evil LineCutter: (oblivious to my sarcastic wisecracking... ) Excuse me, do you have a Red Sharpie or Felt Tip Pen? I only have blue and I wrote the Name in Red, and I'd like it to match...
Postal Employee: Sure, just let me check in back... (turns around and walks into the "back room"...)
TVGuy: ("Like It To Match"??? Are you Freakin' Kidding here??????)
Evil LineCutter: (hears her phone ring, pulls it out of her oversized purse and answers it... it's "Carol", and boy is our LineCutter happy to hear from her... she begins cackling into the phone like a hyena...)
...and it's taking every ounce of willpower I have not to rip the blue spools of gift-wrapping ribbon off the wall and turn her into a Decorative Mummy....
Postal Employee: (returns after 2 minutes...) No, sorry, I don't have a red marker....
Evil LineCutter: (holds up her hand to the employee because she's still talking to "Carol" and she's busy right now and can't be interrupted...)
TVGuy: (wondering if I'd be celebrating my next birthday in this store...)
Evil LineCutter: (hangs up phone after another 30 seconds....) I'm sorry, what did you say about the Red Pen?
Postal Employee: (getting as exasperated as me finally...) We don't have one...
Evil LineCutter: Oh, that's okay.. I'll just use my blue one...
TVGuy: (Whaaaaatttt???? Arrrrggghhhh!!!!)
Evil LineCutter: (hoists bag on counter and begins digging through it, pulling out a thermos (?), yarn (?!), TVGuide (??!) and about 13,871 other things before finding the pen... she then puts all the stuff back in the bag, apparently in alphabetical order because it seemingly took another 25 minutes... then began addressing the label... unfortunately, she messed up the label, and asked for another to stick over it... after she did that, she decided that she could see the ink faintly through the 2nd label and asked for a third... all the while I was wondering where I was going to dump her body...)
Postal Employee: (finally takes finished package and weighs it...) That will be $6.38... is there anything else?
Evil LineCutter: Yes, I need a book of stamps... can I see what kinds you have?
TVGuy: (mutters under my breath "Umm.. Rectangular"?!?)
Postal Employee: Errr.. sure... (wanting her gone now as much as I do... I have an ally...)
Evil LineCutter: I really like Flowers...they're pretty... really spruces things up....
TVGuy: (wondering if there was a "Famous American Serial Killers" line of stamps, and if I'd be featured on them someday...)
Postal Employee: Well, we have the American Flag.. that's a popular sta...
Evil LineCutter: I don't like it. There aren't any flowers... (inexplicably takes an orange from her bag and begins peeling it and putting the peel on the counter...)
TVGuy: (thinking that if God was going to take me at some random time, "Now" wouldn't suck...)
Postal Employee: Why don't you just take a book and we can finish up and help some other customers....
Evil LineCutter: (angrily) Fine! Just give me the damn ugly flags!
TVGuy: (thinking that the Flag Day Slogan Selection Committee won't be contacting her anytime soon...)
Postal Employee: Your total is $14.58...
Evil LineCutter: Fine... (pulls out a twenty dollar bill and my long nightmare is just about over...at least she's paying in cash.. despite what those annoying Visa commercials imply, if there is a receipt involved I always think currency is the faster option...)
...unfortunately...
Postal Employee: Your change is $5.48....
TVGal staring wistfully at the sun dropping into the ocean, being viewed at the Dreams Resort in Puerto Vallarta....
____
You have six days to fill out your Free Oscar Pool Ballot.. just email them to me before Saturday at 6pm E.S.T.... remember, there are prizes, and it's free.
I mentioned the free part, right?
Anyway, the ballot can be found here...
____
Casey: I find that when I need a stamp there's never one around. This is back when I used to write letters. When I used to write letters, I could never find a stamp.
Dana: Hey, can you guess what I'm thinking now?
Casey: That no one gives a damn about me and my history with stamps?
Dana: Bullseye!
--"Sports Night" (ABC)
Last Wednesday I went to the post office... well, not a post office per se but a "Postal Station" that was located inside a cards and gift store near my work... thought there might be fewer people there than the understaffed regular branches, and I was happily right... I was peering down a long aisle towards the postal desk, and despite the fact no one was behind there, I was confident I'd be helped shortly...
I skedaddled quickly down the aisle and was first in line, beating by about 4 seconds a woman who had walked down the adjacent aisle, but was not technically in line as I was in front of the sign that said "wait here for service"...
Anyway, after 3 or 4 minutes went by I was about ready to leave when our kindly old postal representative made an appearance... she sauntered right up to the counter and said "Who's Next?"
I opened my mouth and prepared to move forward when the woman to my right said "That's me" and cut in front of me and walked to the counter...
Stunned, I stood there thinking "Fine, Just Wait Til You're Done And Turn Around".... as visions of carving her up like a roast verbally danced merrily in my head...
I was just seconds away from my sarcasm spilling forth like a geyser... victory would ultimately be mine!! No one cuts in line, especially not in front of me!!
Well....
(as always, the following unfortunately happened to me...)
Postal Employee: What can I do for you Honey?
Evil LineCutter: I need to mail this box...
Postal Employee: No problem, did you need insurance? Signature Confirmation?
Evil LineCutter: Umm... could you explain my options here??
Postal Employee: Sure! (goes into a mindnumbing endless permutation of delivery differences that may have numbered over six thousand...)
Evil LineCutter: (5 minutes later...) No, I don't want any of that. I'm just mailing some old newspapers... I'd just like to mail the package please...
TVGuy: (thinking that even though she didn't choose postal insurance that she had at the very least better have health insurance because I was thinking about strangling her then and there.... old newspapers???)
Postal Employee: Okay, that's no problem... oh wait, you didn't write down the address, just the name...
Evil LineCutter: Oh... sorry... let me get that for you.... (reaches into purse and pulls out a DayRunner that is approximately as big as the Printed Copy of the 2007 United States Federal Budget... she then thumbs through this for about 3 minutes and then finally stumbles upon the address she needs On The First Page!!! )
Postal Employee: (looks at me....) We'll be right with you "Honey"...
TVGuy: No problem "Dear"... I was planning on sleeping here tonight anyway so I'd be first in line tomorrow... of course "First In Line" means different things to different people I suppose...
Evil LineCutter: (oblivious to my sarcastic wisecracking... ) Excuse me, do you have a Red Sharpie or Felt Tip Pen? I only have blue and I wrote the Name in Red, and I'd like it to match...
Postal Employee: Sure, just let me check in back... (turns around and walks into the "back room"...)
TVGuy: ("Like It To Match"??? Are you Freakin' Kidding here??????)
Evil LineCutter: (hears her phone ring, pulls it out of her oversized purse and answers it... it's "Carol", and boy is our LineCutter happy to hear from her... she begins cackling into the phone like a hyena...)
...and it's taking every ounce of willpower I have not to rip the blue spools of gift-wrapping ribbon off the wall and turn her into a Decorative Mummy....
Postal Employee: (returns after 2 minutes...) No, sorry, I don't have a red marker....
Evil LineCutter: (holds up her hand to the employee because she's still talking to "Carol" and she's busy right now and can't be interrupted...)
TVGuy: (wondering if I'd be celebrating my next birthday in this store...)
Evil LineCutter: (hangs up phone after another 30 seconds....) I'm sorry, what did you say about the Red Pen?
Postal Employee: (getting as exasperated as me finally...) We don't have one...
Evil LineCutter: Oh, that's okay.. I'll just use my blue one...
TVGuy: (Whaaaaatttt???? Arrrrggghhhh!!!!)
Evil LineCutter: (hoists bag on counter and begins digging through it, pulling out a thermos (?), yarn (?!), TVGuide (??!) and about 13,871 other things before finding the pen... she then puts all the stuff back in the bag, apparently in alphabetical order because it seemingly took another 25 minutes... then began addressing the label... unfortunately, she messed up the label, and asked for another to stick over it... after she did that, she decided that she could see the ink faintly through the 2nd label and asked for a third... all the while I was wondering where I was going to dump her body...)
Postal Employee: (finally takes finished package and weighs it...) That will be $6.38... is there anything else?
Evil LineCutter: Yes, I need a book of stamps... can I see what kinds you have?
TVGuy: (mutters under my breath "Umm.. Rectangular"?!?)
Postal Employee: Errr.. sure... (wanting her gone now as much as I do... I have an ally...)
Evil LineCutter: I really like Flowers...they're pretty... really spruces things up....
TVGuy: (wondering if there was a "Famous American Serial Killers" line of stamps, and if I'd be featured on them someday...)
Postal Employee: Well, we have the American Flag.. that's a popular sta...
Evil LineCutter: I don't like it. There aren't any flowers... (inexplicably takes an orange from her bag and begins peeling it and putting the peel on the counter...)
TVGuy: (thinking that if God was going to take me at some random time, "Now" wouldn't suck...)
Postal Employee: Why don't you just take a book and we can finish up and help some other customers....
Evil LineCutter: (angrily) Fine! Just give me the damn ugly flags!
TVGuy: (thinking that the Flag Day Slogan Selection Committee won't be contacting her anytime soon...)
Postal Employee: Your total is $14.58...
Evil LineCutter: Fine... (pulls out a twenty dollar bill and my long nightmare is just about over...at least she's paying in cash.. despite what those annoying Visa commercials imply, if there is a receipt involved I always think currency is the faster option...)
...unfortunately...
Postal Employee: Your change is $5.48....
Evil LineCutter: Hold on, I have change to round it out... (shoves the half peeled orange back in her bag (!?)....rummages into purse and begins taking out change...)
yep....
pennies...
really...
13...
14....
wow, 3 at once gets us to 17... I can feel time slowing down now... I've been in this room since last November... my beard is 3 feet long... I hate everyone and everything on Earth...
20...
21...
...will I ever see my wife again? How will I explain to her that I missed two wedding anniversaries standing in a line at a cards and gifts store...??
23....
...also.. these pennies looked kinda... well.. sticky... they were bringing along some additional material with them... I think if I was homeless and I saw these pennies on a sidewalk I'd pass by them without picking them up...
24....
25....
On the plus side, I'm pretty sure my 401k had doubled at this point...
14....
wow, 3 at once gets us to 17... I can feel time slowing down now... I've been in this room since last November... my beard is 3 feet long... I hate everyone and everything on Earth...
20...
21...
...will I ever see my wife again? How will I explain to her that I missed two wedding anniversaries standing in a line at a cards and gifts store...??
23....
...also.. these pennies looked kinda... well.. sticky... they were bringing along some additional material with them... I think if I was homeless and I saw these pennies on a sidewalk I'd pass by them without picking them up...
24....
25....
On the plus side, I'm pretty sure my 401k had doubled at this point...
Postal Employee: (looking at the creepy pennies...) Umm... we really aren't a bank... why don't I just give you change for your twenty and you can take your pennies somewhere else and....
Postal Employee: (stunned and not knowing what to say...)
allow me...
TVGuy: (loudly) They aren't giving you change? That is terrible customer service!
Evil LineCutter: (turns, happy to have gained a warrior in this fight...) I know! Can you belie...
TVGuy: I'm pretty sure they wouldn't give you a manicure, massage, oil change or a pound of oranges either? Know why??
Evil LineCutter: (realizes now that something is amiss...)
TVGuy: Because it's a freakin' Post Office that's why! It's not a bank! It's not a Grocery Store! It's not a Gas Station! You come here. You ship your crap. You leave.
Evil LineCutter: (stunned...)
TVGuy: And who the hell cares what your stamps look like.. the post office doesn't even care.. that's why they run a bunch of inky squiggly lines through your envelope... when it gets to its destination it looks like a psychiatrist's Inkblot Card!! When is the last time you looked at a stamp on an envelope you had received.. 1984??
Evil LineCutter: (really stunned...)
TVGuy: (louder) Also, I'm not sure if you are familiar with the concept of "The Line", but here in North America the idea is pretty simple. If someone is ahead of you, you get behind them and wait your turn.. then, when called upon you move forward... you don't stand off to one side and then cut in front....
Evil LineCutter: (mega-stunned...)
Postal Employee: (smiling...)
TVGuy: (extra loud) Are you done now? Is there anything else she can help you with? Food Stamps to exchange? Tollway Tokens? Foreign Currency? Maybe you need some lottery tickets? Perhaps one of the nickles in your purse isn't "shiny enough" and you want a new one? How about a soft drink? A mint? Toothpick? How else can we make your day better???
Evil LineCutter: (awakening from her stunned stupor... turns to postal employee...) I'm never coming back to this stup...
TVGuy: How long does it take you to do your Christmas shopping.. do you start in August? June?? What time do you start getting ready for work in the morning... 4am? 3:30?? I'm just wondering....
Evil LineCutter: Go to Hell! (storms away...)
TVGuy: (loudly) Ladies and Gentleman, Helga the Stomping Mare!! Let's give her a big hand!! (claps enthusiastically...)
at this point I think I've been in the store a little under 7 hours... I move quickly up to the counter where the elderly postal employee and myself exchange a knowing silent sign of relief that Cruella is no longer with us...
TVGuy: Good Lord... all I needed was a book of stamps....
Postal Employee: (smiling wildly) Well, it seems someone has left her book on the counter here... why don't you just take these and we'll call it even....
TVGuy: (Free Stamps!) You ma'am are a saint and a poet and someday someone will write songs about you... good day... (slips stamps in pocket and merrily exits store 18 days after first entering it...)
I guess the point is here... the USPS has a "Stamps at Home" program where the postman will put the stamps in your mailbox for you...
I think it's a good idea....
(On a side note, as I drove away, I saw "Helga" going back in the store, obviously realizing that she didn't have her stamps... I'll never know how that exchange went between her and the staff, but I'd like to think that she went home stampless...)
(But clearly not penniless....)
_______________________
Donna: About 50,000 proposals a year are submitted to the Citizens' Stamp Advisory
Committee, the acronym for which is...
Josh: Dork squad?
--"The West Wing" (NBC)
3 comments:
TV Guy said:
In the past 5 hours I've eaten 8 different kinds of chili, jambalaya, shrimp creole, beignets and a killer plate of red beans and rice... I'm full....
Oh, my! Were you at some kind of contest??
Brilliant piece on the evil linecutter -- down with Cruella...
at lunch time we were at a chili contest... i think i finished fourth...
later that day at an engagement party the theme was "mardi gras"...
I didn't have giant plates of anything, but it still added up...
Actually you finished in 5th place due to a tie-breaker. I smell a protest brewing. But you did win the Green Chili category.
Post a Comment