Royal Flush....

I've been putting 4 to 5 photos a week on here since I began blogging lo those many years ago (okay, two.. but still...)

Someone at work asked me the other day what my favorite one was... and after looking through my library at home that night I realized I liked quite a few of them a great deal...

So rather than just pick one, I'll go a step better... for the next three months I'll put my favorite 100 photos, in order, at the start of each entry... I should finish sometime around mid-April... then resume posting new photos...

After a few hours of sorting, rummaging, deciding, reconsidering, eating and sleeping my Top 100 is ready to go... so let's begin with Number 100....

This is in Rocky Mountain National Park... Alberta Falls... I like the little tree growing out of the side of the rocks... a great place to hike to and enjoy an afternoon picnic... been there 3 times, and I'll probably be back this summer...

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I've never gone skiing. Why you ask? If This happens to professionals, what hope do I have??

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After reading the Golden Globe Award winners online this morning I realize yet again that the Hollywood Foreign Press is not a collection of talented thoughtful critics that tirelessly work in the Entertainment Industry pointing out excellence in performances by countless celebrities...

Rather, I continue to believe that it is indeed a 6th grade class at a school in Lower Botswana that has its children throw darts at a six year old issue of "Us" magazine to select the winners...

David Duchovny?? Really????!!???

anyway, not much of a "contest" this year.. my friend Matt bested me by somehow getting a copy of the winners list before the telecast, but that's fine. Matt, your prize will be bestowed upon you tomorrow.... (My friend Troy on the other hand had a score so small I'm not sure the Hubble Telescope would have been able to find it...

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Frank: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.
--"Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult" (1994)

After another couple of disturbing bathroom etiquette breaches last weekend by my fellow coworkers, I think it's once again time to review the rules that separate us from the apes...

(as always, this applies to the males of the species... I've never been in a women's restroom, but I'm certain there are fresh flowers, champagne, oversized sofa cushions and several rainbows and kittens and smiles all around....)

(Also, if you're squeamish or enjoying a meal right now, I'd skip this entry until later... you've been warned...)

>>1

Guys, if there are three urinals in the bathroom (or any odd number for that matter) DO NOT select the middle one if no one else is there... you have to give your fellow urine dispensers that essential "Porcelain Buffer" that is so critical to today's discerning bladder reliever....

>>2

If you've enjoyed the Mexican All-You-Can-Eat Buffet... good for you... tasty fare for a low low price.

However, let the words "Mercy Flush" be your guide later in the day, okay??

(For those unfamiliar with the term, basically after the first salvo has been launched over the bow, feel free to send it on its way into the wonderful world of pipes, valves and waste treatment... no need to save it all up til the end, capiche??)

>>3

If you head into a bathroom stall there's just one thing I ask... Lock The Freakin' Stall Door Behind You, Okay???

The other day I opened a door that was open about 3 inches to find "Cajun Billy" in the middle of a self-colonoscopy... I didn't eat for over 40 hours... someone at work offered me chocolate later and I screamed... let's move on...

>>4

Keeping with the theme of Stall Etiquette... guys, I understand that sometimes things don't go as smoothly as you'd like behind closed doors... if you're FiberChallenged, so be it... but I also don't want to think that a European Men's Tennis Match is going on in there either...

In other words, no grunting. Okay?

(I heard a guy once say "Oh God.. Oh.. Oh. My. God. Ohhhhh...Yes!" behind a stall once. At about 110 decibels. I of course had to stay to make sure he wasn't having sex behind the closed door... he appeared, alone, moments later and walked out immediately without washing his hands... which reminds me...)

>>5

Washing your hands takes 20 seconds guys... tops. This isn't an option... for the love of all that is good and holy, schedule some hot water and soap into your day....

I followed a guy out of the the restroom the other day who was in the middle of a "Dump And Dash"... what's my etiquette there? Am I allowed to say something for the betterment of my fellow employees?? If I do say something, is he embarrassed? Mad? Does he pull a knife on me? There needs to be some sort of code in place... could someone work on this please??

(the reason I bring this up is because the following exchange actually occurred with me in the room about 8 years ago...)

Guy #1: (opens stall door, walks to mirror, rearranges his hair for 45 seconds and then starts walking to exit...)

Guy #2: (at sink next to him) Hey Supermodel, how bout some soap next time?

Guy#1: (turns around) What did you say?

Guy#2: Maybe mix in some hot water in your grooming routine next time?

TVGuy: (laughs out loud...)

Guy#1: Why don't you su...

Guy#2: Oh, I see, you're indignant. You didn't wash your hands after taking a dump. Yeah, I'm the bad guy here. My 4 year old nephew washes his hands you cretin. On behalf of everyone who shakes your hand later today, thanks a helluva lot. (mumbles under his breath additional words of a certain spicy nature..)

Guy#1: (shoves Guy #1 to ground and looks like he's going to rip his heart out of his chest and show it to him before he dies...)

TVGuy: (flees bathroom immediately. It should be noted, AFTER I had finished washing up...)

See, there isn't really a protocol here....

>>6

Back to the urinal. If I'm there before you, and you sidle up to a nearby stall, nothing more than a nod is necessary. That isn't the place to discuss how your 401k is performing... okay?

(actual conversation I had about 12 years ago...)

TVGuy: (at urinal and minding own business)

Random Guy: (steps up to neighboring urinal and unzips) Hey, there how's it going?

TVGuy: Umm.. fine?

Random Guy: I think I had 10 pancakes for breakfast this morning. And about 20 cups of coffee! (laughs heartily, bordering on insane...)

TVGuy: Err.. yeah...

Random Guy: My wife cooks the living shit out of breakfast!

TVGuy: (wondering what the hell that even means...) umm...sounds good! (zips up and moves to sink area...)

Random Guy: (pauses for 10 seconds silently.. then...) Did I offend you? Am I boring you?

TVGuy: (the sink is 4 feet away from where I was standing by the way...) Umm, excuse me?

Random Guy: We were talking and you just walked away. I guess you're not interested in what I was saying. No need to be a prick about it...

TVGuy: I don't mean to be rude, but what the Hell are you talking about??

Random Guy: We were talking and you just walked away?!

TVGuy: Are you mental? I was taking a leak! I don't even know who you are! And I moved 4 feet away to wash my hands!! I could still hear you!

Random Guy: (incredibly, still relieving himself...20 cups of coffee indeed...) Geez, forget I said anything...

TVGuy: Way ahead of you there buddy... (leaves bathroom)

So we're all agreed.. no talking, right? Good... and finally...

>7

Look, I like to read while in the bathroom.... I just do. And to all those guys who leave behind the Sports Section, I salute you...

But that's about it for extracurricular activities in there guys... In other words...

No Blackberries.

No Cell Phones.

No. Laptop. Computers.

(in other words, nothing like the picture above, okay?)

I heard a guy in a stall talking to his wife and between 2 flushes and 32 instances of Gas Transference from his Colon to the Outside World I'm pretty sure there was a divorce brewing there... why would she want to hear that?? Why would anyone?? You can't wait 2 minutes to call someone about what to pick up from the store?

(by the way fella, when wondering what to add to the shopping list, let anything at the store marked "High Fiber" be your guide, okay??)

Until tomorrow...

______________________
Dave: Look, I'm no etiquette expert, but I think when someone is generous enough to give you six sports cars, it's in bad form to ask for a seventh...
--"NewsRadio" (NBC)