letters, we get letters...

trying to finish up the Xmas light photos... a few more days and we'll be done for '07....

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New in Theaters This Week:

>>"National Treasure: Book of Secrets" (Nicolas Cage, Harvey Keitel); this one's getting beat up a bit in Reviewland, but I'll see it at some point anyway as I really enjoyed the first one... I know there are some people who can't stand Mr. Cage's efforts in the world of acting, but I rather like his forays into the adventure realm... sue me....

Rating (out of 100):

Rotten Tomatoes: 35
Metacritic: 48

>>"The Great Debaters" (Denzel Washington); it's based on a true story, but after reading the official description if you can't predict every second of this film then you've been in a prison the past 30 years...

Set against the backdrop of the Jim Crow South and inspired by a true story, The Great Debaters chronicles the journey of a brilliant but volatile coach (Denzel Washington) who uses the power of words to shape a group of underdog students from a small, modest black college in East Texas into an elite debate team while challenging the social mores of the time, culminating with a groundbreaking invitation to debate Harvard's championship team.

The original movie poster looked like this...

perfectly acceptable effort there...

but oddly they then released this... er... abomination...

sorry, but that's just hideous...

Rating (out of 100):
Rotten Tomatoes: 76
Metacritic: 64

>>"Aliens vs Predator: Requiem"; wow... this looks horrible... let's see if some critics around the country can change my opinion..

A tasteless, witless, mindlessly perfunctory bloodbath that has the discourtesy to take itself seriously.

--Scott Tobias, The Onion

Ho, ho, ho - the joke's on anyone who pays to see this...

--James Berardinelli, Reelviews

guess not...

Rating (out of 100):
Rotten Tomatoes: 13
Metacritic: 27

New on DVD This Week:

>>"Eastern Promises" (Viggo Mortensen); I have nothing to say about this supposedly excellent film other than I enjoy typing or saying the name "Viggo" quite a bit...

Rating (out of 100):
Rotten Tomatoes: 88
Metacritic: 82

>>"The Kingdom" (Jaime Foxx, Jennifer Garner); I'm still so bitter about Mr. Foxx's work in "Stealth" that I couldn't possibly rent this... I leave it to you all to decide...

Rating (out of 100):
Rotten Tomatoes: 52
Metacritic: 56

>>"Rush Hour 3" (Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker); Actually, I like Mr. Tucker even less than Mr. Foxx... I haven't seen a frame of any of these films and I never will... if it's your cup of tea, by all means enjoy...

Rating (out of 100):
Rotten Tomatoes: 20
Metacritic: 44

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The TVGuy mailbag is getting full again so let's get to it... as always, these are portions of actual emails received here at our little electronic postal address...

>>Hi everyone!

It's been one week since the big knee surgery, so I thought I'd send you all a quick email to thank you for your support and let you know how it all went - and how it's still going. (That, and I'm going a bit stir-crazy here in the house and just wanted to do something new....time to write an email!)

Yes, after years of dealing with a bum knee and months of fretting about this upcoming surgery, the dreaded day finally came (last Thursday, 11/1). And as most of you know, I've always been a worry-wart. So now, after weeks of waiting.....my first real surgery with a 5-6 month-long rehab was here. Who-hoo!
--penguin**** @********.net

TVGuy: My friend Troy is recovering nicely from knee surgery... I think... he sent along these photos...

Fighting the urge to violently throw up aside, this is a good time to once again reestablish the ground rules about emailing pictures to TVGuy and what we deem unacceptable....

TVGuy's Top Ten Worst Photo Submission Ideas

1. No Knee Surgery photos of any kind...

2. Actually, No Surgery photos of any kind...

3. Anything that has to do with the birth of your adorable newborn, both 2 hours before and 10 minutes after the blessed event...

4. Anything that has the word "dental" in the description of the photo...

5. Any photo taken past the hour of 2 a.m. Nothing good happens after 2 a.m. Nothing.

6. Any stage of you participating in an eating contest... especially the "after" shot...

7. Barmitzvahs...

8. You standing in front of your brand new car (mine is 11 years old... bite me...)

9. Any photo taken on a a camera phone.. you want to send grainy crappy photos to people fine.. just not me..

10. Any photo of me from ages 1-23.... no reason to scare people off...

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>>I'm so disappointed. Why did you have to go to New Jersey for the landfill? Does Garden State trash smell worse than Golden State trash? Wouldn't a landfill in Alabama smell much worse, just based on the festering capabilities of oppressive humidity? As a native, I want the world to know that there are very lovely areas of New Jersey. Don't perpetuate the stereotype...
--Jana.********* @@****tt.com

TVGuy: Jana is referring to a previous column where I said something smelled like a Jersey landfill...

Look.. I was in Jersey once. For two hours. It smelled bad. I mean, uncomfortably so... like being over at Big Uncle Jimmy's house after an "Olive Garden Unlimited Pasta Bowl Night".... so you'll forgive me if my first impression was unfavorable... I'm sure it's a lovely place (well, except Newark...)

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>>moorish subsidy assignee heron heron glossolalia chicory come kosher trustee
necktie glad glossolalia shaggy bawl hobby ix kosher levin whoosh hoe shaggy christy terminal bald patemagnuson kwashiorkor whoosh glossolalia technique sammy bogota sammy weasel nc assnecktieglossolalia baldpate come residual
--MilagrosmistyCrain @*************.com

TVGuy: Does anyone else get these emails? I really don't understand the point here... Are they drunk? Are they trying to get some search engine involved by putting lots of strange words in the body of the email? (And if so, why would you ever want "kosher weasel necktie" entered into Google? Further investigating is needed....)

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>>BearManor Media is proud to announce the publication of author Herbie J Pilato's TV companion books:

THE BIONIC BOOK: THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN AND THE BIONIC WOMAN
RECONSTRUCTED

Foreword by Richard "Oscar Goldman" Anderson
--BearManorMedia** @***.com

TVGuy: Never has the word "Proud" been used so sadly in human experience...

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>>port slupbum perfecting klingibum rare troops denethor tendering overcame factors polite east disclosed evolving revisited elendil momma carping standards elijah naked painting dawning plasma months orthodoxy hadst disbursing time judges gesserit lasted secured heat stops witness senses sporting criteria discussed fourth leisurely freighted awakens denyers clods ohmigod lulls greeks estranged alps remove bolton presumed sect holds willingly willingly position criteria slugs voyage japan moshe pious explicitly stamps finish massacres capita acted serves hours monkies brows internal endorsed moral horrid saddam assertions passage attempt motives abides robert construct throats republican realms senor coleridge narrowly bequeathed looking dawning adams sakes design piercing fourth choicest vileness collectors mitigation underlined sits towerbr unto graciously proponents analogues mildness neutral compare library banning tragedy haps side baggins tempests morton issue devoted skepticism accuses unwise earned website treaties mohammedan collapse wives wave ringing teach deific directed thoughts segments seest murderer shrines deific injured forests perishes sakes season work silencing refinement prefer defies shrieks liberal ended invent dougherty core pull steals delia veined discrowned fort behoved pippin wade teacher irish sleeps ignorance terra variations folk psychic dreariest stupidity terminated blog tremendous wings narrowly baggins mudded meets cult happened tribe moaneth velvet scathingly signifies russians obtuse prefer denounce temerity mohammedan linebr believeth input sorry hickam category separated juda abides onto infections scapegoat strikingly sprung reign season biting whould lakota referring states offensive wstephen tilde scuffle flat cake suspected clearness screen trigger become sensation sapiens horribly bash simplicity clearly efficient buddhism pheromones base extirpates spectator peoples supports game statement qoutes wnational itself serpent secured suspicious dull methods best collect guevara homestead elder marvelling soley wimpy kocher where ravage critic tennesee cheeks deadly lossbrof heartless wilderness fatally winepress dungeon tackling stir ashbr notability crack quoted joyfully dawning cornered mechanisms shock seeth eats bullet refrained respects crack imprudence wessexbr imprudence incidental permanency drooping drifting bakunin ringing query utmost tripped petty enquirer elusive diverse lunatics temperfoam part bash techniques feared presidents gideaon practiced preacheth velvet armstrong conagra hastened transpires poets doubting yardstick rouse rooted melted hasty fourth quoted mozart pulled sounding offending weighing whither genuine work mental japhies criteria lasting glorious arrakis crackle verge archive brarwen poux vaderdarth leaned educating fighters propagated reliable
--ColonMate @*********.net

TVGuy: (Sigh...)

This email however contained information on how to remove "5 to 25" pounds of fecal matter trapped in your colon with the fabulous product....

Oh Lucky Day!!

(Never mind the fact that the human body doesn't work like that and that there isn't even 2 pounds of anything laying trapped in your intestines... for the last time.. Colon Cleansing is a fraud folks... you want to detox? Mix in some fruit and veggies along with cutting down on all that red meat and you'll feel better... we now return you to the mailbag, already in progress...)

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>>Where is this year's holiday photo with TVCat?
--mart*** @***.com

TVGuy: Okay, I'm through fighting TVCat's popularity.. He has slowly but surely eclipsed me as "Reason People Come to TVGuy:... I admit it.. I've lost the war...

But if you think for one second I'm just going to stop everything I'm doing and snap a photo of that damn cat, think again... why don't you just have him do it?

Oh yeah, that's right.. no opposable thumbs.. I guess he's not the "SuperCat" you thought he was.... (evil laugh inserted here)

Now if you'll excuse me...

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>>Would you please wish TVCat a very Merry Christmas? Any photos this year? Loved the one last year with him in the wrapping paper.. sooo cute!!
--456t**** @*******.net

TVGuy: (heavy sigh...)

Everyone happy now? Good... next....

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>>I really enjoyed your photos the other day of the highway and the streaking headlights... as your photos were taken near Invesco Field could you take some there next time and email them to me? My husband is a huge Broncos fan and I think he would really like them... if you could do this before Christmas I'd really appreciate it...Thanks!
--can**** @*****.com

TVGuy: Gee, would you like me to maybe print them out for you? Pick out and purchase a frame as well? Could I deliver it on Xmas morning? Maybe bring over some cocoa??

I don't know if you understand the premise of this website... This isn't a "Photo Request Of The Day Joint" ... you can't just come in here, drop me a note and expect me to stop everything I'm doing and..

Well... you know... umm... er.. well.. actually I'm not really doing much of anything right now.... it's really only a few blocks away... hmmm....

(hope these are okay...)

(as always, photos here at TVGuy grow magically when you click on them.. for no extra charge! Just our way of giving back to the community....)

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>>By the way, I completely agree on the baffling question of whether Kyra Sedgwick is attractive or not... it changes from scene to scene on her show "The Closer"... one minute I think she's a hottie, the next I'd rather french kiss my grandpa than her.

--je**** @*****.net

TVGuy: That insanely disturbing visual image aside, Sedgwick is clearly the poster gal for this phenomenon... Uma Thurman is also a charter member... but nearly anyone can occasionally drift into this two-faced world...

I was shopping yesterday and saw the cover photo of this month's Redbook magazine was featuring Giada DeLaurentiis... which is normally a good thing... I generally find her to be exceptionally attractive while she plies her Food Network trade... however...

Seriously though, not a flattering photo... I haven't been that frightened by a smile since Nicholson played "The Joker"... how many teeth does she have anyway? 58? 84? Yikes!

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>>Why is your cat named "TVCat"? That can't possibly be his/her real name...
--an******* @****.com

TVGuy: No, that is not his real name.... but have you looked at the top of this web page? "TVGuy" isn't my real name either...

Believe me, his nickname has nothing to do with television or...

(moving on...)

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>>On Christmas Eve I was in a car with my 12 and 11 year old nieces listening to a CD from the show "Hannah Montana" on the Disney channel on an endless loop for 4 hours...

The next time that happens I was wondering if you had any advice for me on how to, you know, kill myself...

--caro******* @ *****.org

TVGuy: I've never felt sorrier for someone in my entire life.... I would have published the rest of that letter but I was fearful someone else upon reading it would want to throw themselves in front of a train... easily the worst holiday weekend I've ever heard of (it featured "Pineapple Chocolate Chip Cookies" and a TV marathon of "The Golden Girls" just to give you a taste...)

But after reading your email I thought of two things that I wanted to delve into....

1) I was in a restaurant the other day minding my own business, eating breakfast and reading the paper when the song "We Built This City" by Starship came on over the house radio system...

That song is horrific... I was silently stewing and wishing I had the ability to travel through time 4 minutes ahead to skip it.... fortunately it came to an end...

... unfortunately the next song was "Hey There, Georgy Girl"...

I hadn't heard that song in about a zillion years... those 3 minutes passed very slowly indeed.. as the song faded out I silently thanked any Gods out there that might be listening who had ended my misery... unfortunately, it was the Devil who answered my message by delivering my most hated of all music produced in this millennium...

Yes, "Afternoon Delight" by the Starland Vocal Band.

Oh, believe me.. I'm not the only one here who has to suffer.. why don't you click here to feel a taste of my misery.

I'm just saying... worst 3 songs back to back to back in Earth's history... and I was there to record it for you... now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go puncture my eardrums with a Q-Tip...

2) I had read a few months ago that "Hannah Montana" merchandise had made something like 8 billion dollars... I then realized I knew absolutely nothing about "Hannah Montana" and decided to investigate...

Apparently it's a show on the Disney Channel that stars Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter that is targeted for preteens that is immensely popular.... let's sneak in some trivia here shall we?

(As always, drag your cursor past the word "answer" for the solution.. Inviso-text at work!)

Q: What name below was not considered for the title character?

A) Alexis Texas

B) Samantha York

C) Anna Cabana

D) Dakota Dakota

Answer: D) Dakota Dakota

Q: Who below has not guest appeared on "Hannah Montana"?

A) Larry David

B) Brooke Shields

C) The Rock

D) Bob Saget

Answer: D) Bob Saget

See, Hannah Montana can be delightful!! I don't really understand what the problem here is... I'll just pop over to ITunes and listen to some snippets of her delightful soundtrack and then this issue can be laid to rest... back in a sec...

(listening...)

(feeling slightly nauseous...)

(lapsing into coma....)

Er.. okay.. a 4 hour car ride listening to that would make me want to break out Starland Vocal Band's Greatest Hits CD... almost....

(Of course, that's a joke because no such CD exists... I really really hate the Starland Vocal Band.... in case you couldn't tell...)

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>>What's the worst Christmas gift you received as a child? Socks? A toothbrush? Last year my niece got a 6 pack of clothes hangers...

--use******** @****.com

TVGuy: My mother (rest her soul) would never bestow common household items such as those upon me... nope, our Christmas was filled with kittens, rainbows, horsies, ponies and cotton candy!!

Of course, that's because I grew up long ago.. if I was a child today, there would be a chance that I would receive something like this...

Yep, it's the McDonald's Plastic Drive-Thru!! Hey, if you want to send the message to your little girl that earning 5.67 an hour is in her future, the choice is yours... (I would say that gift is quite McSucky myself...)

Why not just get her a Barbie Doll? What's wrong with that? Good, clean wholesome American fun... and you can get her one of those sets that has buildings and things for her to play in... you know, something that is extra special.. something she can dream about doing herself someday... a fantasy world where anything is possible!!!

(Barbie, would you like fries with that??)

_________________

Piper: Leo, you obviously don't have sisters. One minute you're arguing about something and then suddenly you're arguing about who stole who's Malibu Barbie in 1979...

--"Charmed" (WB)