breaking up is hard to do...

more blossoms of light photos...

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Dan: You're gonna need to get somebody to fix my computer.
Kim: What's wrong with it ?
Dan: It's in several pieces on my floor...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)

I have very few consumer loyalties left at this point in my life... after stopping for a bit to think about it, I can pretty much narrow them down to three... (I've driven a Mitsubishi Eclipse for 14 years in a row now so that's something, but at the rate my current one is falling apart the thought of driving.. well... anything shiny and new at this point would be fine...)

By "loyalties", I mean that I would purchase these products over any other, regardless of price, whether a similar product is on sale or free, and would drive twice as far to acquire the product without hesitation...

The 3 would be...

1) Tennis Shoes: Nike.

Yes, they are probably made by underpaid 7 year olds in slave labor camps in Botswana... but those underpaid 7 year olds are highly skilled at making supercomfy shoes that seemingly last 3 times longer than any other brand. I wear them pretty much every day, even with snow on the ground, and they hold up terrifically... Plus, there is a Nike outlet store about 20 miles away so once a year I go buy a couple of new pairs for 55 bucks total and I'm good for the next 52 weeks...

2) Jeans: Levi's 501 Buttonfly.

For some reason passing understanding, my mother didn't allow us to have jeans as youngsters... I was forced to wear Sears "Toughskins" Corduroys for many years while everyone else traipsed around in cottony denimy goodness.... Once I escaped my mother's fashion dictatorship in college, I quickly went to a department store to purchase a few pairs of those magical blue pants. There were a myriad of choices, but I was most intrigued by the ones that didn't have a zipper.. (I've always agreed with Jerry Seinfeld's assertion that "You don't want sharp metal interlocking teeth near that area of the body".)

26 years later, the only jeans in my closet are 501s (about 13 pairs, only 4 are wearable... I keep the others for painting, snow shoveling, or anything else where I don't mind a few holes here and there...)

A common complaint I hear from others is that it "takes too long to button up the fly"... Nonsense. I can do it just as fast as anyone can zip up... it's basically a magic trick for me at this point... but they are insanely comfortable and look great and... wait, I'm not getting any promotional consideration from Levi's here so let's get to my point about this whole posting today shall we?

3) Computer: Apple

This is going to be quite a lengthy post here so you may want to go get yourself a tasty beverage... I'll wait...

Back? Okay... a bit of background here...

I've had an Apple computer ever since the Mac Plus (1989 for those scoring at home...). Over the years I've had only Macs... including my current computer, the Imac Special Edition DV...

I have consumed the Kool-aid for the company... consistently mocking those over the years who felt that the Microsoft OS was superior to Apple (which it isn't... it's just a copycat and an inferior one at that... honestly, remember the DOS interface ten years ago? Compare it with today... The icon-based desktop is Apple's greatest accomplishment and always will be...)

But after a number of "Customer Service" incidents, I've just about had it with Steve Jobs and his fruity computer dorks...

In other words... what I'm saying is....

I now only have 2 consumer loyalties... Apple and I have broken up.

Look, I'm not saying I won't always have an Ipod (still the best mp3 out there, despite the hefty price tag)... Itunes and I will always be pals...

But as for the actual computer itself? I'm typing this right now on TVGal's Gateway laptop computer, while my Apple stays powered down in the other room... this computer is far faster to use... typing on my Apple now is like typing underwater... in other words, slooowww..

Sure, I know what you're saying... why not just get your computer looked at?

Have you been in an Apple Store lately?? HAVE YOU??? My god, the Customer Service is beyond pathetic... I've gone into my local store twice in the past month, and was in the store for 15 minutes both times and despite the fact that they employ seemingly 341 people for every one customer... NOT A SINGLE PERSON SPOKE TO ME EITHER TIME... I was playing with their computers... handling the Iphone... and not a single solitary word, glance or thought was given to me...

I'd think that you'd want to.. oh, I don't know... TRY TO SELL ME ONE OF YOUR WILDLY OVERPRICED PRODUCTS!!?? But no, it's up to you to flag down one of the 22 year olds there who will then speak condescendingly to you as if you are just fortunate to be in the store in the first place...

Their whole retail operation reeks of arrogance... which of course is misplaced given they have.. what... Four Percent of the Computer Market?? Their "Genius Bar" in the back is the focal point of the insanity found there... you can no longer just take a product into the stores... you have to make an "Appointment"... then your name is put up on a large video screen while you wait in "the lobby" for help...

Let me illustrate my issues with Apple by detailing below 3 Customer Service Incidents with which I was personally involved. These have happened over the past year or so... as always, no embellishment was needed in the writing of this blog....

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Incident Number One:

(after 10 minutes of being surrounded by 391 Apple Employees and being acknowledged as a human being by exactly Zero of them...)

TVGuy: (slighly raised voice in middle of store next to 5 Apple Employees) Umm.. Excuse me... I have a question...

Apple Employees: (sorry, I wish I could type here what someone said... but no one said a word..)

TVGuy: (raised voice): Excuse me, I have a Visa card with a 5000 dollar limit and I'd like to buy a computer and 3 Ipods right now.

Apple Employees: (still nothing..)

TVGuy: (moves directly behind the 5 employees with their backs turned to me.. like, 9 inches away from them): Hello. I'd like to buy 45 Ipods right now.

Apple Employee: (1 of the 5 turns around to look at me...) Hi, how may I help you?

TVGuy: Umm.. I just said how you can help me. You were 9 inches away when I said it quite loudly. Do I need to repeat it?

Apple Employee: You said you needed help with your Iphone? You'll need to make an appoin...

TVGuy: No, I said I wanted to buy 45 Ipods. I don't own an Iphone. So I obviously don't need help with that product since... well, I don't own one.

Apple Employee: Who is your current cell phone provider? I can tell you that with the Iphone, you can...

TVGuy: NO. I want to buy 45 Ipods. I want to spend like 20,000 dollars right now. On IPods. Seriously. It will take 5 minutes of your time, and I'll be dropping 20k in Apple's back pocket.

Apple Employee: Are these Ipods for you or are they gifts?

TVGuy: Yes, they are for me.. I like to have 44 backups of anything I purchase just in case 1 breaks down..... Of Course They Are Gifts!! Look, can you just get me 45 Ipods and take them to the cashier... wherever the hell that is in this crazy mixed up store of yours...

Apple Employee: Are you familiar with the Iphone?

TVGuy: Have you ever seen a grown man scream at the top of his lungs?

Apple Employee: (smiles) No, seriously, have you considered the Iphone? They'd get a built-in Ipod, plus....

TVGuy: I'm actually considering strangling you to death right now in front of all of your employees, none of which would even notice... (turns and leaves store).

I of course was not purchasing 45 Ipods... but my point is getting any actual "service" from these people is next to impossible.

Well then, why not just call Apple? Well...

If you call Apple's "Applecare" support line it costs $49 for each call. I'll wait while that sinks in...

Yep, Forty-nine bucks.

Of course, if you have the Extended Warranty for your Apple product, you can call as much as you like... that only sets you back anywhere from $109 to $419... no, I'm not kidding.

___

Incident Number Two:

(on phone)

TVGuy: (dialing Apple Store... after 67 automated prompts, 143 buttons pushed, 6 minutes on hold and verbally promising that I'll get an Apple tattoo on my tricep I am now connected to the store..)

Apple Employee: Hi, This is Kyle. How may I help you today?

TVGuy: I have a quick question about Itunes... could you help me please?

Apple Employee: Have you made an appointment at the Genius Bar?

TVGuy: No.. er.. it's just a 5 second question and I...

Apple Employee: We're not allowed to give advice over the phone. You'll have to come into the store...

TVGuy: "Not allowed"?

Apple Employee: It's against company policy. There are copyright issues....

TVGuy: "Copyright Issues"? You don't even know what I'm going to ask? And besides, I own an Apple! How is this infringing on Copyright Anything?? I'm a customer!

Apple Employee: Still, I can't help you. Why don't you Google-search it? Just go to http://www.google.com/ and....

TVGuy: You've got to be kidding me... you're telling me to use someone else's software to find an answer to my problem with your software? Really??

Apple Employee: Er... well, why don't you call Applecare.. the number is 1-800-MY-Apple...

TVGuy: And what would that cost me?

Apple Employee: Is your product covered by Applecare?

TVGuy: No.

Apple Employee: Each call is only $49!

TVGuy: "Only"?? Seriously, are you listening to yourself here? What if it was a $99 Ipod Shuffle? That would mean that my question would cost me Half Of The Purchase Price Of The Product!! Does that make any sense to you?

Apple Employee: I'm sorry sir. Apple is committed to providing...

TVGuy: I'm thinking about having myself committed... (hangs up)

I remember the happier days back in the early 90s when you could call Apple for anything and a friendly voice would spend however long it took to resolve your problem for free.. yes, I know everything is more expensive these days, but I would understand it better if their products were cheaper than everyone else and that's how they made up the difference... the problem is, their products are much more expensive and yet they nickel and dime their customers to death in after-market services as well....

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Incident Number Three:

(in Apple Store with Ipod in hand... I walk through the store to the "Genius Bar" where only 1 person is being helped because I have cleverly come to the store 10 seconds after it opened... still, despite there being 4,109 employees and only two customers I stand there and wait 5 minutes with not a lick of attention paid to me. Finally, I flag down an employee on his way out of the back room where he was using the I-toilet or something...)

TVGuy: Umm.. excuse me... I need to return this Ipod and replace it with another. The hard drive has failed on this unit, which is a refurbished Ipod I received from this store less than 3 months ago... it is still under warranty, I have the receipt and the box it came in... so I just need to swap it out for another unit... could you help me with that please?

Apple Employee: Do you have an appointment?

TVGuy: Er... no.. I'm just returning this and exchanging it for another one.

Apple Employee: You'll need to make an appointment at our Genius Bar so they can take a look at it and...

TVGuy: No, it doesn't work. At all. Zip. Nada. I'd just like to exchange it and...

Apple Employee: You'll have to make an appointment... you can do this online at...

TVGuy: Wait... I don't need help here. I need an exchange. I have a receipt. I have the warranty information. I just need to get another one.

Apple Employee: Well, we schedule appointments for these types of customer service issues... that way everyone can get helped in an orderly fas....

TVGuy: (looking at the counter and seeing Five (!) people behind it and only 1 customer in front of it.. one of the five are helping the customer.. the other four are discussing their favorite pen or something like that...) Those people there aren't helping anyone right now... why can't we just exchange this? It couldn't possibly take more than 4 minutes... or more to the point, why can't YOU exchange it? Is this store not set up for foot traffic? Which of course is kinda insane seeing you are in a.. you know.. a mall and everything....

Apple Employee: If you wait until noon we might be able to squeeze you in and...

TVGuy: That's 2 hours from now. Why is that time any different than right now?

Apple Employee: We have more people available to help at that time... it's easier to....

TVGuy: (looks around store and sees 12 Apple Employees for every customer... honestly, there were less people in my high school than are in this store right now wearing Apple gear...) Seriously. You are saying you cannot help me right now. At all.

Apple Employee: I'm sorry sir.... you'll need to make an appointment and...

TVGuy: Do you realize in the time we've had this conversation you could have replaced my Ipod?

Apple Employee: Have you considered the Iphone? It has....

TVGuy: Have you considered burning in hell for all eternity? (leaves store...)

___

I still have the Ipod... I'll replace it at one point, after I get a new computer... I remember thinking that when Itunes became available to Windows users the world over that the reasons for owning a Mac rather than a PC were becoming fewer and fewer.... I mean really, what do I use my computer for? Let's see...

1) Surfing the Internet / Blogging / Email. No advantage to either platform there...

2) Storing and organizing music. Well, Itunes is available on all computers now...

3) Storing and organizing photos. I can use any computer for that...

That's it. As for price, getting a laptop (which is really the way to go now that we have wireless internet in the home, which costs me nothing being a Comcast employee) would run me about 700 bucks for a very nice one in the Microsoft world... at Apple, I'm not walking out of the store for less than $1,400 bucks... and that's before the Insanely Overpriced Aftermarket Warranty...

Once our wedding has been completely paid off I'll be getting a new computer... barring any unforeseen circumstances it's probably going to be something in the Microsoft arena... which is a sentence I thought I'd never ever type...

18 years is a long time to have a relationship with anybody or anything.... I'd call Apple and wish them well, but I can't afford the 49 dollars...

___________________
Sam: You shouldn't think that just because I'm looking at you while you're talking to me, that I'm necessarily listening to or caring about what you're saying. It's just something I do to be polite...
--"Sports Night" (ABC)