A nice shot of the Aspens in late September...
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It's Monday... why not once again open our mailbag and see what delightful missives have been slung my way... as always, these are actual emails (or portions of them) received at some point in the last month or so...
>> Your Geocaching numbers aren't going up anymore.. have you given it up for the winter?
--adm***** @****.net
TVGuy: Well, I did go out just the other day on an unseasonably warm Fall morning and tackle a couple. (If you don't know, Geocaching involves taking a handheld GPS receiver.. and following some coordinates to a location where you find something left behind and hidden by someone else...)
It can be small or large, easy or tricky.. unfortunately the first one of the day was both small and tricky...
It was in a children's park with various aviation sculptures which was kinda cool...
Anyway, the coordinates took me to the side of that wooden structure.. I looked for a good 15 minutes before a knot in the wood seemed somewhat out of place to me...
It slid out quite easily... and lo and behold...
The Microcache holding the paper log (which you sign and date) was attached on the other side...
I really like my new hobby... just saying...
(but that's probably it until next Spring yes... to answer the question...)
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>>Dear NatWest Online Account Holder,
During our usual security enhancement protocol, we observed multiple login attempt error while login in to your online NatWest account. We have believed that someone other than you is trying to access your account. For security reasons,we have temporarily suspend your account and your access to online banking and will be restricted if you fail to update.
Please click on the refrence below to initiate the verification process. and re-confirm your membership details.
https://www.nwolb.com/default.aspx?refereriden
Only individuals who have a NatWest account and authorised acess to OnLine Banking should proceed beyond this point. For the security of customers, any unauthorised attempt to access customer bank information will be monitored and may be subject to legal action.
--accounts@******.com
TVGuy: That is so thoughtful.. only a couple of problems here...
1. NatWest is a United Kingdom Banking Company. I live in Denver, Colorado.. which.. you know.. isn't in the UK. I tend to bank in .. well... Colorado...
2. I'm pretty sure NatWest wouldn't misspell "reference" and "access"...
Again, the lesson here is.. NEVER EVER click on a link from a company that you don't do business with.. and never give out personal bank info... okay?
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>> Tickets for Games 3 & 4 of the World Series are sold out. Keep it tuned to AM950, the FAN for more details...
--do-not-reply@fan950.***do-not-reply@fan950.com
TVGuy: I got this after the Rockies ticket debacle...
I guess my question is.. what other details are there? "We're out of tickets" is pretty self explanatory and really can't be added to... I know what "Sold Out" means... I'm just staying... "staying tuned to AM950" doesn't really seem to be necessary does it?
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>>Hi Everyone –
Brad Garrett, star of FOX’s ‘Til Death may be available for an upcoming bloggers conference call. Please let us know if you would be interested in speaking with him about the new season.
For the past 3 weeks ‘Til Death has bested the ratings of its lead-in Back To You. The series also stars Joely Fisher, Eddie Kaye Thomas and Kat Foster.
--DDusky@****group.com
TVGuy: Umm.. he "may be available"??! Should I just call in sick and wait around until Brad gets back to me? I have some vacation days I could burn through... Golly, I'm on pins and needles!!
And to answer your question about whether I would be interested in speaking with him, the answer is "No". Just so we're clear...
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(ed. note. The following letter and response is not for the faint of heart.... if you've just eaten breakfast or are otherwise a sensitive, caring member of the human race... we beg you.. please skip the next letter. For the rest of you.. well.. we apologize in advance....)
>>Have you been forwarded the email yet for the musical toilet gift idea for Xmas 2007? I'd get it for you, but I'm assuming you already have it... Worst gift ever?
--Can** @*****.com
TVGuy: You mean this thing?
(It plays music whenever the toilet lid is lifted...)
I don't know.. anything that masks bathroom sounds is okay with me... I still haven't gotten over the 1982 "Ponderosa Steakhouse Breakfast Buffet Bathroom Break With The Two Sweaty Overweight Fishmongers Incident" in College... worst timing to go to the bathroom in my life before and since... until then, I had no real idea what "Explosive Loose Stools" really meant...
...I've crossed the line here haven't I??
I was going to work in the words "Slippery" and "Voluminous" to help describe the 7 minutes of sheer terror, but I'm a better person than that...
Oh, one more thing. My other friend who walked in... stood there for 11 seconds... then ran out as fast as possible... later described the men's room at that moment as "A Slaughterhouse"...
I guess my point here is.. if you're at a buffet and you see someone going back for thirds at the "Sausage Link Station"... maybe you can hold it til you get home, okay??
My god, that was pretty disgusting, even for me... TVGal thinks I should edit it, but I trust that my readers (all 11 of you) have strong stomachs and staunch hearts (I really don't know if "Staunch" was the right word there, but I've got a mailbag to get back to.. where was I?)
What were we talking about? Oh yes, bad Xmas gifts...
As for the Toilet Tunes, could they be worse than the gift TVGuy Correspondent Bart passed along the other day?? Who doesn't need a Pencil-Sharpener with just that little something extra??
I'll be seeing that thing in my sleep the next fortnight I can tell you already...
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>>I've been reading your blog now for 8 days and have been using some of my daily lunch hour going through the TVGuy archives... My coworker seated next to me is wondering what is so damn funny... can you recommend certain entries that are the "Best of TVGuy" that I could share with her? (I found your site Googling something about Steven Seagal by the way. Don't ask..)
Keep up the good work...
--45ter******* @*******.com
TVGuy: About once a year I get an email like this...
Listen, I write this blog basically for 3 reasons.... to practice and hone writing skills, to give family and friends a general place to catch up with what's going on in our world over here at the TVGuy Mansion, and to try to make at least 1 person laugh a day. That's basically it.
So getting emails like that always puts a little skip in my step... I mean, why would anyone ever read this that didn't know me?
But to answer your question, I'll take 10 minutes and skim the archives and see what I can come up with since you were so nice to write that thoughtful letter...
(skimming...)
(About 10 minutes later...)
Well, I've certainly written a lot of crap haven't I? But there was some stuff in there that made me laugh upon rereading it... and perhaps it will be somewhat enjoyable to your coworker as well...
>My Brush with Automotive Literature and High Powered Weaponry...
>My 15 Minutes (of Hell)...
>A Running Diary...
>Since it's the season, how about Horrible Xmas Gift Ideas...
>The always popular Iron Lung...
>And since you were Googling for Seagal when you stumbled across our merry collection of words and pictures here at TVGuy.. I'm assuming you saw this...
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>>Yeah, that photo of you and TVGal at the wedding was hilarious!! (Not!!) I can't believe you won't show us what she looks like... If I don't see a picture by Thanksgiving, I'm never reading your blog again!
--anon @*******.com
TVGuy: Look, the reason I don't show her picture is to keep potential stalkers (like you, you adorable nutjob) away from our happy home... and as for placing an ultimatum...
Listen, I won't be threatened by anyone, let alone someone threatening to... er... uh.. well...
Oh what the Hell.... I need every reader I can get, even those apparently spending weekends in the Summerhill Ward for Mentally Unstable Teens and Runaways...
(That was taken by a guest.. we still haven't gotten our wedding photos back.. grr... but I really like that picture I must say... I clearly traded up...)
And just to show I'm not a bad sport about all this, TVGal will appear once again in just moments.. stay tuned...
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(read along with me for this next letter, won't you?)
>>Christmas is comming soon and u may be on the lookout for what to get your loved one or a friend.
("u"?? "comming"?!???)
We can help you out with some ideas.
(Thank "u" for "comming" by..)
You may get them a nice watch or maybe a bracelet or fancy pen.
(I may, but then again...probably not. Just so you know.)
There is plenty of selection and you can find something suitable.
(Plenty of selection of what? What are we even talking about?? Who is this??)
excursus or assent and orthodoxy licensee now
(oh, that clears things er.. up.. umm... what?? WHAT???)
actual amoco chancy
(Seriously....what the HELL are you talking about??!!? That 3-word phrase doesn't even come up in Google for God's sake!! That's a search engine that gives a positive response for the query "Black Ninja Midgets" for heaven's sake!!!!!!!!)
buchanan
ant chad
dobuckskin
(oh, now I understand... Not. AAAIIEEE!!! Honestly, are zoo animals now being given internet access? What on Earth could have generated such a series of keystrokes?)
covetous
--zblrfsgj**@yahoo.com
TVGuy: Seriously.... what just happened there... does anyone else get emails like this? Is it just me? Am I being punished?
And by the way, in any "Bad Xmas Gift List" the words "Fancy Pen" have to be present, right? Sort of in the same family as "Nice Socks" or "Intricate Photo Frame".... the intentions are there, but the execution is lacking just a wee bit...
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>>I loved the photos of your friends trying the awful beverage "Beverly". But did TVGal and TVCat skip the festivities? I would have loved to see your kitty give that beverage a try....
--mer****** @****.net
TVGuy: ...here's the link to the what she's talking about.. basically Coca-Cola bottles this Italian apertif that tastes like turpentine crossed with bile... and we got our hands on some the other day and did a taste test.. much to our horror...
To answer your question...
Are you kidding? Our cat barely drinks water... I couldn't have gotten him near that carbonated swill...
TVGal on the other hand....
This is "B.B." (Before Beverly....)
and now, the tasting commences...
Wait for it....
and the inevitable Beverly reaction ensues...
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>>Made of a soft, disposable medical grade polyurethane foam that feels like natural vaginal tissue, the Today® Sponge contains the widely used spermicide nonoxynol 9. The Today® Sponge measures only 1.75 inches in diameter and .50 inches in thickness. After the Today® Sponge is moistened with water and inserted into the vagina, it becomes effective immediately and protects against pregnancy for the next 24 hours without the need to re-apply messy spermicidal creams or gels — even with repeated acts of intercourse.
--ano**** @*****.com
TVGuy: Easily I'm the winner of "Being On The Worst Internet E-Mail Subscription List Ever", no?? Saying that "I hate SPAM emails" at this point seems sort of obvious and unnecessary, right??
Until next time...
_______________________
Robin: Where'd you get a live fish, Batman?
Batman: The true crimefighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin.
--"Batman" (NBC)
2 comments:
I like her 3rd picture down. It's clearly a "Oh...what...is...this...on...my...tongue...?"
look.
Oh, come on TVGuy. That's not the real TVGal. You just found someone to POSE as her so you could get everyone online to leave you alone. But ya didn't fool me!!!
=)
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