dear diary...

Another view of St. Malo's Cathedral (taken August '06)

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We'll take a day off from the countdown of my 2nd 100 Worst Movies List (resuming tomorrow...) to tackle the daunting task of Emmy Night Reporting... I know nineteen Thousands of you are awaiting the results of the Emmy Ballot with bated breath, so without further ado... yes, a running diary awaits...

Date: September 16, 2007
Place: T and H's Country Villa
Event: the 59th Annual Emmy Awards

As a review, last year I was defeated by our host TV's Ted (although my original first ballot left on a computer had me as the victor, the "I can't remember what I picked so I'll just fill one out right before the show" ballot left me sadly in 2nd... the matter is still winding its way through the courts...)

In addition, TVGuy Long Lost Friend "LG" tied me one year and reminded me of that again as he submitted his ballot before going into hiding for the rest of the calendar year... my goal this year is to destroy both of them utterly and completely...

To win prizes here, you must defeat my tally to be eligible... there is also a prize (determined to be 3 Powerball tickets Sunday evening...) for the Best Colorado Entry, regardless whether you best my score or not.

In this way, I support our local State Gambling Initiative to Improve Roads, Boost Education, and Give False Hope To Dreamers Everywhere....

let's get started...

6:00pm: It's Emmy time! Well, actually, it's the "Countdown to the Emmy Awards" time.. an hour of excruciating filler talking about who is wearing what dress etc... I barely keep an eye on this stuff.. but the group wants to watch it and who am I to argue with the majority....

6:01pm: Tonight's show is on FOX, so I'm not expecting too much here... but we are having Fondue for both dinner and dessert so that's not going to suck... and I've got some scorekeeping to do as well...

20 People Competing!

But only 1... Survivor!!!

(Sorry, somehow Jeff Probst got control of this blog for a second... he's so meddlesome...)

6:03pm: We are all bored already. Unless someone spontaneously bursts into flames, we will be settling in for awhile with the official snack of TVGuy, Jeno's Pizza Rolls...

6:10pm: It's always a challenge to determine when it's safe to enjoy the cheesy, tomatoey goodness of the Pizza Roll, and when the inside of the snack is actually closer to Ionized Plasma than actual food... fortunately, only a few of us err on the wrong side....

6:13pm: Some "reporter" has just gone "inside" the building where the awards will be, and promises us "Something No One Has Seen Before That Will Make The Celebrities Unhappy..."

My money is on the new "FOX MegaToilet Multi-Cam"...

6:16pm: There were 40 Pizza Rolls, and TVGal happily snags the last one. I think there could have been 600 of them and we'd still be finishing them up about now... well done Jeno's... well done...

6:20pm: Honestly, is there worse television being produced than a Pre-show Awards Ceremony Program? I'd rather watch a live sonogram being performed on Roseanne Barr...

6:22pm: After reviewing the above comment, I stand behind it reluctantly...

6:28pm: WTF?? Hugh Laurie is speaking with a British Accent?? I'm sure he's just doing a bit for the audience... what a prankster...

6:40pm: Altoids unleashes its "Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints"... TVGal glances at me with a "You Know We're Stopping At 7-11 On The Way Home, Right?" Look...

6:55pm: A seemingly 9 minute commercial for Macy's starring... well.. a whole lot of famous people... and it's actually pretty entertaining... didn't see that coming...

6:57pm: The "reporter" says that "Eva Longoria is Good Looking"...

We'll have that and more stories on the next episode of "Duh!"

6:59pm: We end our Emmy Pre-game with the "reporter" from "The Insider" putting her hands into the sequined pockets of her dress.

I don't know much about ladies fashion, but I'm guessing that "Sequined Pockets" isn't going to be catching on anytime soon...

7:00pm: Our program begins with... "Family Guy" animation? Did you know this show is on FOX?? (It's funny and all, but is this really how you want to start this show? With a cartoon? What, the Prop Guys didn't have any puppets???)

7:03pm: Dear Lord. An "Isaiah Washington" joke followed by a cutaway of "Grey's Anatomy" actor T.R. Knight... and he looks like he'd rather be having elective rectal surgery than being on camera right now... of course, this show is on FOX so I should expect nothing less... "Taste" isn't going to be easy to find this evening...

7:04pm: Your host... Ryan Seacrest (since I don't watch "American Idol" I actually don't mind him, where I'm sure most of America is just sick of his mug...) is explaining that tonight's Ceremony will be "In The Round"... and indeed it is... the consensus in our group is that this is a really bad idea... we'll see...

7:08pm: Yep, the "In The Round" is a very, very bad idea... I'm awaiting the upcoming 4,312 times that someone on stage turns around and comments on the people behind him....

It's like watching a Lakers game with a Dress Code...

7:09pm: Ray Romano is doing some standup for the folks at home.. and makes a joke about "Frasier" that we sadly never get to see because they go to a graphic for 9 seconds with no audio... what could he have said that the Tastemeisters at FOX went "Umm, wait a minute.. that's bad, even for us!"

(Note: Later research reveals Mr. Romano said something along the lines of "So, Kelsey, how do you like F***ing my TV Wife??" That's actually pretty funny and FOX edits it out. Because of, you know, their high standards... jokes in poor taste simply can't be allowed on our Network!!)

7:11pm: Romano still doing his bit. Weird pacing in this show. Things seem a little "off..."

7:12pm: Our first award... Best Supporting Actor. Finally.

7:13pm: And the winner is.. Jeremy Piven! Well, that was the obvious choice and... hmm.. only 3 (including me) folks have it correct... an early TVGuy lead...

7:15pm: Vanessa Williams of "Ugly Dress Betty" obviously hates peacocks, because she killed 19 of them to gather all the feathers used in the making of her dress...

7:16pm: Terry O'Quinn wins an award for his work on "Lost"... and only 2 pick that one correctly... the dream of the Perfect Ballot is gone for us all...

7:18pm: The Promo Department happily informs us that we can all look forward to The Season Premiere of "Prison Break", followed by "K-Ville".. tomorrow night on FOX!

7:25pm: I'm ready to enjoy seeing Jenna Fischer on stage for winning for "The Office", but Emmy voters have other ideas and instead Jaime Pressley snags the award. It kinda feels like the time I went to the movies and wanted to see "Speed" but it was sold out so instead we ended up seeing "Cliffhanger".

7:27pm: Katherine Heigl corrects the Emmy Disembodied Voice Guy for mispronouncing her name... to be fair, I think you are short a vowel or two there Kathy....

7:30pm: After factoring in the Commercial and NonFiction categories, our scoreboard, presented by Geico...

Correct / Name
3 TVGuy, LD
2 LG, LSC, TB, RD, MM, CS, TVGal, TV's Ted, SK
1 AG, TK, KS, DL, HV
0 TR, JH, Dave, LK

7:32pm: Apparently, tomorrow night "K-Ville" premieres, followed by "Prison Break". Only on FOX!!

7:40pm: Salads... mm... crunchy...

(no dressing in the conventional sense... T and H are "Salad Spritzer" consumers... my first experience with the Advanced Vegetable Lubrication System... after finishing, I'd give it a "C". I'm sure it saves on calories, but you need about 1,734 spritzs in all...)

7:43pm: The "Entourage" crew presents an award with Eva Longoria... let's get ready for the "Lame Jokes About Single Guys and A Hot Gal..."

7:43:30pm: Yep, Lame-o.

7:44pm: And the Best Supporting Drama Actress Emmy goes to... Katherine Heigl?? Really? I hope they pronounce her name right... she's pretty touchy about that from what I understand...

7:46pm: I guess if you're not doing anything tomorrow night, you can watch "Prison Break" and/or "K-Ville". You know, only on FOX...

7:55pm: God, this show is pretty boring. Time for dinner prep...

8:01pm: Fondue... mmm... beefy...

8:05pm: Hey, did you know that "Prison Break" and "K-Ville" premieres tomorrow night? On FOX? You didn't? I'm sure they'll remind you a few more times...

8:15pm: Robert Duvall wins for "Broken Trail"... easy pick..

8:16pm: And the orchestra begins playing during his speech... always a classy move by the producers... for god's sake, it's ROBERT DUVALL.... you don't have 15 seconds you can spare??

8:17pm: Seacrest cracks a Blogger joke. Fine, two can play at that game...

Q: Who isn't funny in the least and coasts by on the shoulders of others while possessing no discernible talent of his own?

A: Ryan Seacrest!!

8:18pm: Queen Latifah introduces us to the "TV Not Only Entertains You, But It Can Teach You A Lesson As Well!" Segment...

8:19pm: The cast of "Roots" is on stage receiving a standing ovation... T and H's youngster, affectionately known as TVBaby, is applauding as well... racial harmony at the age of 1... our future is secure...

8:20pm: The "Round Table for a Stage" idea is biting the producers in the rear end big time... the cast of "Roots" is looking everywhere and is seemingly confused by their surroundings..

8:23pm: "Broken Trail" wins best miniseries...

8:24pm: Robert Duvall is getting the musical brushoff again... people, it's freakin' ROBERT DUVALL... what's our hurry here???

8:25pm: Hayden Pantierre ("Heroes") is on stage with Neil Patrick Harris and he's cracking jokes about her just turning 18.. you know... because now she's "legal". The fact that Mr. Harris is a gay man just makes these two minutes all the more creepy...

8:26pm: Leslie Caron is giving away some award... I'm not sure what it's for because I can't take my eyes off her dress... I've... umm... well, I don't know what the hell that is but it's pretty sure it's not a dress... TV's Ted thinks "armor" is more accurate...

8:27pm: "Prison Break" and "K-Ville" are on tomorrow night. I'm not sure what network they are on though... consult your local listings for the time and channel in your area...

8:30pm: 11 categories out of 26 are in, and our current Scoreboard... brought to you by Vitamin Water...

Correct / Name
6 TVGuy
5 LD
4 TB, LSC, CS, TV's Ted
3 LG, TK, MM, TVGal, LK, SK
2 AG, KS, DL, HV
1 RD
0 TR, JH, Dave

8:34pm: "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" wins for the 19th consecutive year... 10 out of 20 in our group nail the prediction...

8:36pm: A KFC commercial airs where the office workers are concerned that "LouAnn" has a Knife, and therefore is in danger of hurting herself.

She quickly explains that she's having KFC, which is "Real Food", and therefore requires a Fork and a Knife ...

Umm.. "LouAnn".. I'm looking at your plate there, and I see the following...

>Drumstick
>Cole Slaw
>Biscuit
>Mashed Potatoes

Other than perhaps buttering your biscuit (which doesn't appear to be the case here..), what on earth are you using your Knife for?? Cole Slaw?? Seriously?? Are you mental????

Do you use a Fork and Knife for Jell-o? Cereal? Oatmeal? Ice Cream?? What kind of a freak are you "LouAnn"???

(Sorry.. I got off track there... where were we??)

8:36pm: Tony Bennett sings a duet with Christina Aguilera, who promptly blows him off the stage... that girl's got pipes...

The group (not me of course) is just savaging these two... I'd transcribe some of their comments here, but I'm fearful of future litigation by the Augilera and Bennett families.. so let's just say that I'm watching these ceremonies with Really Sarcastic People and move on, okay?

8:45pm: The Accounting firm of Ernst and Young is introduced.. which apparently consists of Two Old Guys and A Middle-Aged Woman. I'd think there would be more people in a "Firm"...

Also, I get it... they're in charge of "Counting Stuff Up" and "Keeping It Secret"... doesn't seem to warrant a mention on a Network Television Program.. do we need a shout out to the Limo Drivers as well? Aren't there some Interns we can shower with praise here??

8:46pm: The Really Sarcastic People are at it again... oh what the hell... here's a taste...

H: I wear my hair like that everyday... but not to an Awards Ceremony...
T: She looks like "Skeletor"...
H: She needs to stop having children. That's 1 too many nursings...
T: Her nickname is "Droopy".
H: She needs a bra, stat.
T: Shouldn't she eat something? I mean, ever?

I think you get the point... if you're a celebrity, this isn't a safe place to be right now...

8:50pm: Judy Davis wins for "Starter Wife". No one was even close to getting that one...

8:52pm: Glenn Close is pretty darn attractive for a woman her age. I know that sounds like a backhanded compliment, but my fiancee is sitting right next to me, and I'm getting married in four days... so that's all you're getting from me...

8:55pm: The cast of a musical called "Jersey Boys" is serenading the cast of "The Sopranos"...

...in the world of TVGuy, this is also known as a "Bathroom Break"...

8:57pm: TV's Ted remarks that you shouldn't be given any special treatment for producing 25 episodes in 17 years... now that is a bitter "Sopranos" fan right there...

8:57:30pm: We've got some "Buffered TiVo Equity" built up here, so time to skip the rest of this "tribute"....

8:59pm: With 16 categories out of 26 in, our Scoreboard, brought to you by The New Fusion Power Select Shaving System by Gillette, which apparently has a Plutonium Core, Stealth Technology to some degree and 4 GB of RAM...

Correct / Name

10 TVGuy
7 TV's Ted
6 LK, LG, MM
5 CS, TVGal, LSC, SK, LD
4 TB, AG, TK, KS
3 DL, HV, TR
2 Dave, RD
1 JH

9:00pm: Comedian Lewis Black comes out and rails against Excessive Commercials, On Screen Promos For Other Shows, Crawls over news programs, Squeezed Credits That Are Hard To Read, etc...

I haven't seen his act in a long format, but I imagine he also has some thoughts on why you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway, and that "Jumbo Shrimp" doesn't make much sense...

You can catch him on his new Spike TV special, "Captain Obvious", premiering next week....

9:03pm: The lead actress of "Cold Case" is presenting an award, but is having difficulty reading the TelePrompter... which is understandable as it appears she hasn't cut her bangs since she was 12...

9:10pm: Chocolate Fondue has begun. Raspberries, Angel Food Cake, Strawberries and Pretzels are being dipped in this stuff so fast it would appear from an outsider that the four of us are now Bionic...

9:15pm: "Prison Break" and "K-Ville" are premiering Monday.. you know, in case you have the attention span of a Hummingbird...

9:30pm: Oh, if you're not doing anything Monday night, FOX has two shows premie.... oh never mind...

9:33pm: From the "Too Much Of A Good Thing" category, a really funny bit with Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and a leafblower (pretty sure I've never typed that before) goes on.. and on... and on... I may have just dozed off...what night is it?

9:38pm: Ricky Gervais for Best Comedy Actor? No one got that one right... TVGal is a huge fan of HBO's "Extras" so she's pleased....

9:39pm: Damn, Sally Field won for Best Actress. I was worried about that one... and she gets the "Cut Away From The Show With A Graphic Because She Said Something We Don't Want America To Hear!" treatment...

Unfortunately for FOX, I have no such qualms...

Sally: "If the mothers of this world ran the world, then we'd end this God Damned war.."

We'll be back on "Ridiculous Platitudes" right after these promos from FOX...

9:45pm: I'm now oddly compelled to watch "Prison Break" and "K-Ville". There must be some sort of hypnotic subliminal messages at play here. I feel like Malcolm McDowell in "A Clockwork Orange"...

9:47pm: Ah, the "People Who Died Roll Call" moment is upon us... and the awkward applause from the audience signifying their "Favorite Dead Person"...

Your Scoreboard of Death, brought to you by Sonic... "America's Drive-In"...

1st... Luciano Pavarotti
2nd... Ed Bradley
3rd (tie)... Peter Boyle / Larry "Bud" Melman

(Does everyone in the audience sit there and think "Crap, they'll be applauding for me someday... will I get more applause than Jon Cryer? Florence Henderson? Charo??)

9:49pm: The fact that the Best Actor Drama Emmy just went to James Spader is absolutely ridiculous... I actually am stunned.... Seriously, who the hell is voting here?

Fine. If that's how you're going to be, then let's just go the final scoreboard. James Spader.. my god... that's just idiotic...

(Oh, the final scoreboard is brought to you by FOX, home of Monday's Premieres "Prison Break" and "K-Ville"... I'm thinking about getting a tattoo of the logos of both shows on my forehead.... damn subliminal advertising...)

Correct / Name
16 TVGuy
10 LG
9 CS, TV's Ted
8 TVGal, TB, LSC, MM, SK
7 TK, LD
6 AG, KS, LK
5 TR
4 HV
3 RD, JH, Dave, DL

And so, another Emmy running diary comes to a close...

I'd just like to say that I enjoyed pummelling LG and TV's Ted into the ground, and both will be forced to speak my name in hushed tones for the better part of the next 12 months... (LG wins the "Best in Colorado" prize though with his Double Digit in Wins Ballot... well done. Now, you'll just have to come out of hiding to claim your prize...)

I'd also like to say that the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences should never, ever let this show be broadcast on FOX ever again... and please, no more "Theater in the Round"...

Worst. Idea. Ever.

And in closing, please remember that "K-Ville" premieres Monday on FOX, following an all-new "Prison Break"... it's the New FOX Monday Night!!!

(kill me.. kill me now...)

_________________

Dr. Marvin Gudat: I can promise you nothing.

T-Bag: Story of my life...

--"Prison Break" (FOX)

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