going swimmingly...

More July 4 Merriment... gotta figure out a way for them to turn off the parking lot lights next year...

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2007 Emmy Nominations are out this Thursday... TVGuy will have them for you at (gulp!!!) 6:35 a.m. MT... who's making coffee??

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It's time once again to take a closer look at a particular TV Program from our past... previous shows chosen to be placed under the microscope included...

Previous shows we've highlighted before are... (you can click on the show to go that entry...)

>>The Flying Nun
>>Hart to Hart
>>The Bionic Woman
>>WKRP in Cincinnati
>>CHiPs

Today's show I've been holding onto for awhile... It may be the nuttiest program ever put on Network Television... you're going to have to trust me on this... just hang in there.. by the end my case will be made...

Before Patrick Duffy went on to star in "Dallas" and gather fame and fortune as one of the Ewing boys he had to do his penance on a less successful but by no means less entertaining program on NBC in 1977.... of course, we speak fondly of the SciFi vehicle known as...











Yes, it's "The Man From Atlantis"... for those of you fortunate not to remember this one season wonder... here's a recap...

>>Episode 1. "Man from Atlantis" (Pilot)

After a violent storm at sea, the inert body of a man is found on the beach near the Naval Undersea Center. But this is no ordinary man. Equipped with webbed hands and gills...






















(see, in this publicity photo, you can see his WEBBED HANDS which really doesn't matter because he swims with his arms at his sides... so the webbing is kinda moot... anyway, where was I.. oh yes..)

.....instead of lungs, he can breathe underwater, swim faster than a dolphin....

(in case you don't believe he can swim faster than a dolphin, here's the video clip... edited with all the skill and care of a 3rd grader reading a textbook on how to edit television... truly pathetic... anyway.. where was I.. oh yes...)

...and dive to incredible depths. He is nursed back to health by Doctor Elizabeth Merrill and given the name Mark Harris. In return Mark agrees to work for the Foundation For Ocean Research and his first assignment is to seek out a missing submarine carrying top military officials.

--Sure... sounds sorta interesting.. don't really get the "naming him Mark Harris"... whatever... seems like a solid foundation for a program... but here is the remainder of this episode's description, which will give you a clear indication where we're going with this program...

Swimming to incredible depths, Mark discovers an enormous undersea habitat constructed by Mr. Schubert, a maniacal scientist who plans to destroy all the nations of the world with their own nuclear weapons through an ingenious method of mind control.

Incredible, no?? And yet, with all of this going on, this is what NBC offers as the Opening Credit Sequence... I love the unbelievably bland shots of the actors, especially Alan Fudge (!) as a guy who apparently can answer a telephone (on a submersible no less!)... good to have you aboard Mr. Fudge....

Now, you'd think that threatening the world with nuclear holocaust utilizing "Ingenious Forms of Mind Control" would be tough to top... for their second episode maybe the producers would choose a simple, well told story of Mark helping a disabled boy learn how to swim, or befriend an injured dolphin and nurse it back to health... or help the viewers learn a little about the delicate ecosystem surrounding our planet's oceans.... you know, next on a Very Special "Man From Atlantis"...

but... no. They went a different direction...


>>Episode 2. "The Death Scouts"

Mark investigates the disappearance of three scuba divers and becomes involved with a pair of aliens who are the advance force of an alien invasion.

Ooookay.... the aliens are taking over Earth with a population of 8 billion and they dispatch TWO aliens as the "Advance Force"... I'm pretty sure I could handle this Invasion Threat..

...well, good to get our "Alien" episode out of the way early... thankfully we don't have to worry about that anymo...


>>Episode 3. "Killer Spores"

When a space capsule crashes in the ocean near the Cetacean, Mark and Elizabeth agree to investigate. When they arrive Mark is rendered unconscious by a screeching sound. They discover hundreds of strange, blue, intelligent spores that take over Mark's body attempting to find a way back into space. However they don't know Mark will die if he does not return to water within a few hours.

Hard to believe we're only 3 episodes in, isn't it? (I'm not really sure how "intelligent" these spores are... if I'm "attempting to find a way back into space" I'm certainly not going to take over the body of a guy who can Breathe Underwater... since there's so much water in Space... but that's just me...


>>Episode 4. "The Disappearances"

A demented scientist, Dr. Mary Smith, abducts and drugs top scientists from around the world -- including Elizabeth Merrill -- to work on a secret project.

--when you think of a fictional character who is demented and kidnapping and drugging "top scientists", well... there is no more terrifying and evil name out there than "Mary Smith" is there??!!

Next, on "Man From Atlantis", the crew of the Cetacean battles the incredibly evil scientist team of "John Doe", "Mike Williams" and "Bob"!!!!!


>>Episode 5. "Melt Down"

Schubert threatens to cause world wide flooding by using powerful microwaves to melt the earth's polar ice caps unless the government turns Mark Harris over to him.

Seriously, this guy just tried to launch nuclear missles a few episodes back, and he's had the time to simultaneously work on giant microwave generators to melt Antarctica? He is Evil! Where does he find the time? I'm lucky to have a muffin before work most days....

We're five episodes in folks and I know what you're thinking.... where do we go from here?

Fortunately for us producers of this program had a nearly limitless supply of hallucinogenic mushrooms to nosh on....


>>Episode 6. "The Mud Worm"

When a multi-million dollar underwater probe malfunctions and begins attacking any ship that travels near it, Mark must reason with its highly advanced brain and convince it to stop.

--How is the probe "attacking" ships? Aren't probes designed to, you know, gather information?? I'm not even going to ask about its "highly advanced brain"....


>>Episode 7. "Hawk of Mu"

Mark, investigating a power outage, discovers a centuries old hawk statue from the legendary civilization of Mu. The statue, when used properly, can remove the power from a large area. Schubert discovers the power of the hawk statue and Mark must prevent him from taking it.

--It's important to note that the hawk must be "used properly" in order for the "large area's" power to be removed. You know, because "legendary civilizations" that are "centuries old" had large power grids and urban infrastructures... since they were using electricity, burned fossil fuels etc...

...the Egyptians had cars, right??

It's now apparent that the producers are completely bat-shit crazy and will do anything to get an hour of television made... Here at TVGuy we've uncovered critical audio transcripts from the writer's room pitching ideas for the next episode.. let's listen in...

Writer#1: Can we have the Moon collide with the Earth?
Writer#2: Umm.. well, that would pretty much end all life on this planet as we know it... it would be tough to get a second season on the air I'd think...
Writer #1: Right.. right... shit. Okay, how about if a meteor collides with the Earth?
Writer #2: Umm.. I sorta just answered that...
Writer#1: Maybe a comet?
Writer#2: Look, I think you're in a rut here and I know there aren't many ideas left but...
Writer #3: Hey guys. How's the meeting going?
Writer#2: Not so good. Didn't you go see a test-screening of a movie?
Writer #3: Yeah. It was called "Airplane". Hilarious... they even had Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in it as an airline pilot...
Writer #1: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?? Really? Hmm...
Writer #2: Oh Dear God No...


>>Episode 8: "Giant"

The oceans are leaking through a fissure in the ocean floor. A conman named Muldoon agrees to guide Mark through the fissure to investigate. However, Mark is unaware that giants inhabit the other side of the fissure and Muldoon has already stolen gold from one of them.

Guest Starring Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as "Thark" (??!)

--Of course you realize that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is playing a "giant" in this episode, right? (not so much a giant for me as rather a "really tall guy", but why quibble..)

I'm happy to provide video evidence of this episode right here for your viewing pleasure.

Granted, I'm not really sure how the oceans are "leaking" or how a "conman" is even onboard their submersible to "guide Mark through the fissure"... I really wish this show was on DVD... sigh.. anyway...


>>Episode 9 "Man O' War"

Using his genetic scientists, Schubert produces a giant jellyfish which he intends to release unless his extortion demands are met...

--my head is hurting quite a bit at this point, but I'm going to get through this.... so in addition to nuclear weapons, mind control AND giant microwaves... our evil scientist had time to "produce" a giant jellyfish with the help of his "genetic scientists" (apparently the word "geneticists" wasn't around in the 70s...)

My question is... he releases a giant jellyfish. So what? How big is it anyway? Couldn't people just, you know, not go near it...?? Last time I checked the oceans were, you know.. immense... I don't really see how this is that big of a threat.......clearly the producers are grasping at straws... unfortunately our next episode just shatters the ceiling of what is possible and what is not...


>>Episode 10: Shootout at Lands' End

Mark is somehow linked with a man named Billy, existing in a wild west town, who appears to be his twin. Investigating, Mark arrives in the town and discovers Billy had the same webbing as Mark but has had it removed.

--Okay, let's see here... Mark is "linked" with some guy named Billy... who exists in a wild west town???!! What does that mean? Did Mark travel through time? Or does this town exist parallel with our timeline.. like, it's right next to Des Moines or something...???


And it's his "twin"? Is he an "Evil Twin"? A "Mildly Disgruntled Twin"? And he had the same webbing but "had it removed" (because of all the quality plastic surgeons available in 1870s America, I can see how that went well...)

And no, I'm pretty sure the "Shootout at Lands' End" did not involve the clothing manufacturer from Dodgeville Wisconsin..









But then again, if it did.. why would that even be remotely surprising at this point... moving on..


>>Episode 11. "Crystal Water, Sudden Death"

Schubert attempts to make a satellite weapon to knock out the Earth's communications. However, to power the weapon he needs the energy crystals protected by a forcefield under the ocean. The crystals actually power the forcefield that protects an underwater city.

--Hmm. Let's see if I'm understanding this correctly. The Evil Scientist "Schubert" (so evil he has no first name...) builds a satellite weapon... but as he's building it, he forgoes regular power sources such as nuclear and instead needs "energy crystals" that are, I'm assuming here, on the ocean's floor under a force screen of some kind. But actually, the crystals are themselves contained inside a screen that protects an entire underwater metropolis...

Whew.... so he knew these crystals were there I guess, since he lived in a Giant Undersea Village in Episode 1, you know, when he threatened to blow up the world with nuclear weapons (he's a multitasker!!)...

God, to think I thought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's appearance was strange for this show way back 3 episodes ago... I've grown quite a bit as a person since then I suppose...

Oh, by the way... WHERE ARE ALL THESE UNDERSEA VILLAGES AND WHO LIVES IN THEM?? I don't think it's Donald Trump's Real Estate Holdings that are controlling these Castles Under the Sea... and doesn't it make the hero of our show a little less 'special'... given that there are hundreds of thousands of people who apparently sleep with the fishes nightly??

As always, I've way overthought all of this....


>>Episode 12. "The Naked Montague"

An underwater landslide transports Mark to Verona, Italy ... in the days of Romeo and Juliet.

--Okay, I'm going to have to assume that the "underwater landslide" transported him to Verona.. because it happened right near Italy.. otherwise, this show has lost its freakin' mind...

I mean, it's one thing to say that Our Hero has been "transported" by some sort of underwater disturbance of dirt and mud halfway around the world.. it's quite another to say that he was also transported... er... umm.. back.. in time... ah... to hang out with.. you know.. Fictional Characters Made Up By William Shakespeare...

If I had a time machine and could either...

a) Go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler or
b) Prevent Patrick Duffy from making this TV series...

well, it's gotta be a tossup at this point, right?? Right???


>>Episode 13. "C.W. Hyde"

C.W. develops a Jekyll and Hyde personality after swallowing a mysterious liquid.

--that's all well and good, but after going back through the past 12 episode synopses I have to ask... "Who the hell is C.W."??

Also, if someone gave you a liquid to drink and you asked what it was and they responded with "Never Mind, it's just Mysterious... enjoy!" well.. would you drink it? Nope, me either...


>>Episode 14. "Scavenger Hunt"

Mark encounters Muldoon, who is using a sea monster to make island natives sacrifice young girls to him.

--Muldoon if you'll remember was the guy who was stealing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's Gold down in the Ocean Fissure from Episode 8.. and yes, I realize that was the first time that sentence fragment had ever been typed in Earth's History... but now he's using a "monster" to have young native girls given to him... for what? Sex? Is he selling them into some sort of Slavery Ring?

I really hate this show....

Anyway, there really isn't anyway to prepare you adequately for this next clip...so just watch it already and get it over with.. I apologize in advance for the fact that the Giant Double-Headed Seahorse Creature actually makes a whinny noise like a horse... you know, just like the real seahorse does in our oceans today...

kill me.. kill me now...

(And if you are complaining.. remember.. I was the one who had to type "Giant Double-Headed Seahorse Creature"... you just had to read it... so quit your crying.. just a few more episodes to go... unfortunately, our next entry makes the Giant Double-Headed Seahorse Creature seem pretty respectable in comparison..)


>>Episode 15. "Imp"

An impish little man enters an underwater station and causes the crew to become irrational simply by touching them. After three crewmen die the F.F.O.R. hears Duke, the last crewman talking, over the radio in a childish manner and investigates. Mark swims over and brings Duke over to the Cetacean, not knowing the imp has stowed aboard.

Look, I know this is painful.. but we're almost done here.. just please view this clip of the crew acting like children after Pat Morita (yes, Mr. Miyagi, squandering any good will from his future appearance in "The Karate Kid") rolls marbles on the ground in their general direction and giggles like a schoolgirl after turning the adults into childish imps and... yes, it's every bit as excruitiating as it sounds...

(I love the acronym FFOR... doesn't spell anything... and the second "F" is completely unnecessary... the Foundation For Oceanic Research!! Could it be more generic? What, Foundation For Water was taken?)


>>Episode 16. "The Siren"

While investigating the mysterious loss of three ships in one part of the ocean, Mark and the crew of the Cetacean encounter a submarine operated by a modern day pirate. The pirate has captured a mermaid that can produce a hypnotic siren song, which mesmerizes anyone who hears it, even Mark.

--Let's see... the pirate has a submarine, on which he holds a mermaid...honestly, if the Keebler Elves showed up right now you wouldn't blink an eye would you....


>>Episode 17. "Deadly Carnival"

Mark goes undercover to investigate members of a carnival planning to break into a museum. The only way to break into the museum is through an underwater tunnel of which only Mark can swim. When he is approached, he refuses. The owner of the carnival is then kidnapped and threatened unless Mark helps...

and we end here with... well, a pretty pedestrian episode actually. Damn. I'm sure if the 30 episode barrier had been reached we would have seen guest appearances by Santa, Peter Pan, Sasquatch and the Pillsbury Dough Boy...

until next time...

__________________
Janine Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
Winston: Ah, if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say....
--"Ghostbusters" (1984)