here is the headline....
Togther again, tech rivals Jobs, Gates talk like old pals...
Wonder if the Inactive Spellcheck program was running on an IBM or Macintosh... hmm....
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Your weekly Nielsen Ratings follow...
Rank / Show / Network / Viewers (in millions)
1. American Idol Fox 30.74
2. American Idol Fox 25.33
3. Dancing With the Stars ABC 22.96
4. Dancing With the Stars ABC 20.19
5. NCIS CBS 14.14
6. Lost ABC 13.86
7. CSI CBS 13.79
8. Heroes NBC 13.48
9. Jesse Stone: Sea Change CBS 13.01
10. The Bachelor ABC 12.67
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(The following blog entry is written with the full admiration of our Nation's Security Personnel, 99.5 percent of which are wonderful hard-working professionals who do a job I would never even consider doing... my hat's off to them... unfortunately, I found the other .5...)
So yesterday I was beginning to describe my travel fun at the Quad City "International" Airport (it's as "International" as a certain House of Pancakes is, which is to say, not at all...) and... well, here is what I wrote...
I got in line at 7:25am... my flight was scheduled to leave at 8:17am... so I had just under an hour to get through security... there were only 16 people ahead of me, and virtually all of them were over the age of 60, so not a lot of "threats" there to slow things down... I figured I'd be at the gate waiting area by 7:30am easily...
... I actually heard the boarding call for my flight while in the security screening line....
Let me emphasize this... I was still in line at 8:15am(!!) despite the fact that there were only 16 people ahead of me an hour earlier...
So, to continue...
I'm in line at 7:25am reading my copy of Entertainment Weekly and after I had finished the cover story I realized I was still standing in the same place... I then looked ahead and noticed there were only about 16 people ahead of me, many of them elderly... and there appeared to be nothing wrong with any of the equipment.... Imagining I was seated under a patio umbrella in a comfy chair I just began reading again...
5 more minutes go by and the woman behind me began asking her travel companion what the deal was and why weren't we moving... I stopped reading the magazine and did a head count and it appeared we indeed had the same 16 folks ahead of me...
So I began watching the Security folks more intently and one thing popped out at me immediately...
"TSA Bob" behind the X-Ray machine was behaving as if he actually had superpowers... his look of astonishment was positively childlike...
TSA Bob: "Look Mildred, I can see through the tennis shoes!!!!!!"
TSA Mildred: "Umm.. yes, it's an X-ray machine... do you think you could turn the conveyor belt button on and..."
TSA Bob: "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"
The woman that was being questioned beyond the metal detector looked beyond exasperated... she was a 65 year old 5' 1" tall woman... what "threat" she was posing I couldn't say, but I'm certain it was grave indeed.... and she was being talked to by no less than 5 TSA folks... and yet this was taking place at the front of the line while the rest of us stood by like cattle... the only person not helping out was TSA Bob...
TSA Mildred: "Bob, could you turn off the Conveyor Belt and come over here and help us?
TSA Bob: "Look Mildred, I can see a hair brush inside the suitcase!! Even though it's zipped up!! I'M LOOKING RIGHT THROUGH IT... WHEEEEEEE...."
Anyway, you know the expression "Time Stood Still"... well, it's actually based on fact because I've experienced it... saying that the security line we were in had properties not unlike a Glacier would have been generous... a Glacier would have sped by us... I almost missed my flight, despite the fact that the gate I was boarding at was 100 feet away, and there were only Sixteen People Ahead of Me!!!!
At least two of the following scenarios did occur over the next 45 minutes....
> TSA Agent#2: "Excuse me Miss, were those shoelaces a Domestic or International Purchase"??
> TSA Agent#4: "I'm sorry for the delay Mr. Smith, now where were we... oh yes, is that name of Iranian descent?"
> TSA Agent#1: "Have you ever lived in a Mosque Mrs. Henderson?"
Mrs. Henderson: "Umm.. No.. I'm a Nebraska Housewife married 43 years..."
TSA Agent#1: "I see... what about your 4 great-grandchildren?... let's start with the one on the left shall we?? What's your name little one?"
Great-Grandchild#1: "FuzzNumNumElbowTimeyTime..."
> TSA Agent#2: "I see you are wearing "Nike" Sneakers... are you aware of their hideous child-labor practices? Or do you support the torture of children? WELL???
9-Year-Old Girl: "Mom??... MOM??"
> TSA Agent "Bob": "Look, I can turn the conveyor belt on.. then off... then on... then off...."
> TSA Agent #3: "I'm sorry, you can't bring this on the aircraft. It's prohibited..."
Sally: "But it's a 3 ounce travel size tube of Crest Toothpaste...."
TSA Agent #3: "We no longer allow anything on the plane that promises "Maximum Whitening!" It's for your protection. We think. Actually, we're just making stuff up daily to screw with you people. Really not anything you can do about it... Next!"
> TSA Agent #1: "Sir, would you please state your destination and reason for traveling today?"
Hadassah: "Certainly... I'm an Explosives Expert for a Middle Eastern Consortium... We design Ultra-Miniature Powerful Explosive Devices about the size of a gumball that can be easily transported in something like, say, the bag of M&Ms I'm carrying, which happens to be deceptively heavy for its size...."
TSA Agent #1: "Thanks and enjoy your flight. Next..."
Grandma: "I'm traveling to New Orleans to help Habitat for Humanity build shelter for those poor people who lost everything in that terrible trage.....
TSA Agent #1: "Say, I notice your hair is in a bun which could contain concealed explosives... Please step to one side and remove all your clothing while we shave your head...."
> TSA Agent "Bob": "Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!"
> TSA Agent #4: "Excuse me Miss, but I couldn't help noticing your skin was highly freckled..."
Karen: "Umm.. I'm a cattle rancher in Texas... I live on a ranch and work outside 15 hours a day...."
TSA Agent #4: "Be that as it may, please step over here to our "Sandpaper Station" while we test that theory....
> TSA Agent #2: "There's Liquid Hydrogen Here!!!"
Dad: "It's umm... bottled water..."
TSA Agent #2: "That means there's Liquid Oxygen as well!! Cuff him!!!!!!!!"
Son: "Daddddiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!"
> TSA Agent "Bob": "Off and On and Off and On and Off and On and Off....."
> TSA Agent #3: "I notice you are eating a 'Snickers' Bar... do you not take this passenger checkpoint seriously? Is that your subtle way of laughing at us??"
Jack: "Um...I was hungry.. you don't serve meals on your flights anymore and..."
TSA Agent #3: "Please go through this document, reading each name carefully and report on any you may recognize..."
Jack: "Errr.. that's a phone book..."
TSA Agent #3: "Best get started CandyMan... Next!!"
> TSA Agent #2: "Sir, what is that your son is holding in his hands???"
Dad: "It's... er.. it's a Slinky. You know, the children's toy..."
TSA Agent #2: "Is it? Or is it a Modified Torsion Spring designed to alter aircraft communications?"
Dad: "Umm.. actually, er.. all Slinkys are Modified Torsion Springs... they were invented in..."
TSA Agent #2: "Guards, take them away. Put them in the extra small rooms with no light or windows and check on them again in Mid-August...."
> TSA Agent #4: "What is that intricate rope torture device you are carrying there?"
Grandma: "It's.. er.. Macrame... my niece made this for my 95th birthday and..."
TSA Agent #4: "Please step to one side and unravel it fully..."
Grandma: "Umm.. I have Stage III Rheumatoid Arthritis... I'm unable to..."
TSA Agent #4: "Use your teeth. Next!"
> TSA Agent#2: "Step through the Metal Detector please..."
TVGuy: (speaking in "Ubbie-Dubbie", the madeup language of the Children's Program "Zoom" from the early 70s on PBS...) "Wubhy Yubes, UbI'd Bube Hubappy Tuboo..."
TSA Agent#2: (looking as if he may shoot TVGuy) "What was that???????"
TVGuy: (not wanting to be shot) "Nothing.. umm.. I umm..er.. well..."
TSA Agent #2: "Step over here for a Super-Duper Thorough Physical Examination By Me That Is Only Slightly Less Invasive Than A Colonoscopy Performed By a Drunken Chimpanzee..."
> TSA Agent #3: "Whose Backpack is this??"
TVGuy: (barely conscious after physical exam) "Yeah, that's mine.."
TSA Agent #3: "There's metal in this zippered pocket..."
TVGuy: (not thinking straight and accidentally hitting his mental 'Sarcastic-As-Hell' button) "Yes, my people call them 'keys'... we use them for locking and unlocking various...."
TSA Agent #3: (looking at TVGuy with a rage usually only seen in things that are Rabid) "I'll have to take this Bottled Water as well..."
Look, at this point I'd reached the absolute end of my rope... my Sarcasm was boiling over inside, and I could have replied to her confiscating my water by saying something that would have had me detained until my 52nd birthday like...
--"Thank God Water isn't getting on that plane!!"
--"Do you really need the word 'Bottled' in that last sentence?"
--"Boy, you TSA guys sure clean up on free drinks!"
--"Did your High School Guidance/Career Counselor ever apologize to you personally??"
--"Just because I can't take Shampoo or Cream Rinse on the aircraft is no reason for you to not use them at least weekly..."
but I went the smart route, thanked her quietly, and ran to my gate which was in final boarding at that point... 50 minutes... 16 passengers... at that rate I'm certain the "International" Airport of the Quad Cities has 3 or 4 flights a day, tops...
(In case you are scoring at home, of the above "incidents", the only two that actually happened were the last two... well, those two, and the childlike wonder that was "TSA Bob"...)
Other Assorted Travel Thoughts...
>> Why does everyone stand up at the end of the flight immediately? It takes sometimes up to 15 minutes to open that door and let everyone out... You can't cut in line... Even the people that are in the window seats under the storage units stand up and then bend over like they have the world's worst case of scoliosis... never makes any sense to me...
(when I did stand up, I discovered that my head actually hit the top of the roof of the plane. I had to bend over and walk out... when did that happen? Am I still growing? Are planes shrinking?)
>> There wasn't even 1 second of turbulence on either flight. Smoothest flights I've ever been on... well done United Express....
>> There was a car that drove by the airplane in the Quad Cities while we were waiting to pull away from the terminal. I don't mean an airport support vehicle, I mean a 2007 Toyota Camry!
Dad: "I wonder where the rental car parking is..."
Mom: "Let's look over here..."
TVGuy: (watching from window and thinking "Yes, it's probably over, you know, by the DCW-700 Twin Engine Airplane!!!!!!!!!!)
Dad: "Hmm.. I wonder if Enterprise rents Jets as well? Let's stop here and ask someone..."
>> On our flight we just had one
And yes, I know you can "Ask for the Whole Can"... then the Stewardess begrudgingly gives you the beverage and smiles like she's The Greatest Person Whom Ever Lived... it's freaking Diet Coke, we're not notifying the Nobel Committee dear.... and does anyone prefer 3 ounces? Why is this an option? I hate flying....
>> On a related note, the stewardess didn't do the "Preflight Speech".... (oxygen masks, leave the smoke detectors alone etc...)... instead, it was prerecorded by some random old guy... anyway, were the stewardesses overworked? Was this a Union decision? Did we need them to pay more attention to the critical Beverage Portion Control Issues plaguing our nation's skies? I'm babbling right now aren't I??
>> Lastly, I walked over to the lane of traffic where the bus takes you to the Pikes Peak Parking Lot where my car was... I know this because above my head was a giant sign that basically said "Stand here and wait for the Pikes Peak Bus!!"...
Anyway, an airport guy saunters over and.. well...
Airport Guy: "Where ya headed?"
TVGuy: "Umm.. Pikes Peak Parking Lot"
Airport Guy: "Well, you'll need to stand here then and wait for the bus to arrive... anything else I can help you with??"
TVGuy: (unable to resist) "Umm, what exactly did you 'help' me with there?"
Airport Guy: "I'm sorry?"
TVGuy: (still unable to resist) "You asked if you could help me with additional needs... I'm just unclear what you 'helped' me with in the first place...."
Airport Guy: (wanting to punch TVGuy in the face with his snazzy Official Airport Orange Flashlight Thingie) "Just wait here for the bus..."
Remarkably, just 2 minutes later...
2nd Airport Guy: "Where ya headed?"
TVGuy: (saw him walking towards me so I had time to come up with something that was just ridiculous...) "Flying to Omaha today. Can't wait. Going to an Earthworm Convention."
2nd Airport Guy: (wishing he had never begun speaking to me) "Umm.. well, the terminal is behind you... this area is for (fantastically timed, the Pikes Peak bus pulls up) Ground Transportation Only...
TVGuy: "Thanks, you've been a Big Help!" (walks onto bus, leaving 2nd Airport Guy wondering what the hell just happened...)
I mentioned that I'm not a huge fan of the whole flying thing, right??
_______________________
Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now....
--"Airplane" (1980)
1 comments:
LOL! I'm still wiping my eyes. I need to travel with you -- have fun on your honeymoon, TVGal. My flight memories seem so boring in comparison! :o)
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