cats, bats and frogs oh my...

Okay, let's dispense with this week's Nielsen ratings, and then finally a recounting of the very very odd Saturday morning I had a few weeks ago...

Nielsen Ratings - Top 20

Rank / Show / Network / Viewers (in millions)

1. American Idol FOX 32.8
2. American Idol FOX 28.1
3. Grey's Anatomy ABC 21.1
4. CSI:Miami CBS 19.0
5. The Unit CBS 18.1
6. NCIS CBS 17.5
7. Two and a Half Men CBS 17.4
8. Ext. Makeover - Home ABC 16.2
9. Deal or No Deal NBC 15.5
10. 60 Minutes CBS 15.2
11. Old Christine CBS 14.6
12. Cold Case CBS 14.6
13. American Inventor ABC 14.1
14. ER NBC 14.0
15. 24 FOX 13.7
15. Loop FOX 13.7
17. Desp. Housewives ABC 13.5
18. Survivor: Panama CBS 12.7
19. Old Christine CBS 12.4
20. Deal or No Deal NBC 12.2

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Okay, a few Saturday mornings ago I was driving in to work around 7:15 am. Since I was a bit early, I thought I'd stop off for a cup of coffee or tea on the way...no problems there, as I pulled into the parking lot of Einstein's Bagels to find just a smattering of cars, as it should be at that time of day....

Well, one woman was patting her purse and pockets with zeal, and I realized the "Things You Do When You Realize You Locked Your Keys In Your Car But Don't Want To Admit It Yet Publicly" was taking place...I walked over to the car to offer what little no help I could when I realized her trunk had been "popped", and was a few inches open...I told her this (the woman couldn't have weighted 90 pounds or been an inch over 4'10") and she said "Well, I don't have a spare set of keys in my trunk..."

After pausing to realize the stupidity of that comment, I helpfully suggested that if she had a fold down back seat, she could crawl through and unlatch the door...

Well that idea seemed to make her quite pleased, and she opened her trunk....to my horror...

Inside this trunk were the contents of what had to be a "Grab Everything You Can At A Wal-Mart In Ten Minutes And It's Yours To Keep" Contest....there was a wiffle ball and bat, golf shoes, a can of stewed tomatoes, volumes G and H of a 20 year old Encyclopedia Brittanica, cat toys... There were even some old costumes from a play or a Halloween a few years back I guess at the play due to the copy of the producers that was shoved in the back corner. .....I could go on, but I won't....so I helped her empty out most of the contents to uncover a hole to the back seat. She just sat back and stared at me...and it took me a few seconds to realize that she wanted ME to climb through the trunk...

Well, I motioned to the trunk and mustering every ounce of body language technique I possessed, made it quite clear that she was able to climb through the hole herself. She picked up on this but then said in broken English "I'm Pregnant" while tracing where the "theoretical future baby" would be...

I will go to my grave knowing this woman wasn't pregnant (indeed, her tummy was actually concave...), but I gamely crawled through the trunk of misfit items to get to her back door, and successfully unlocked it...(its worth noting that the inside of this car was spotless!!!

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Well, she was so grateful that she offered to pay for whatever it was I was getting at Einstein's (which originally was just a cup of tea, but now a sandwich was certainly a possibility!!). So we went in and she bought me not only a cup of tea, a turkey bacon and cheddar bagel (Yum!) but a white chocolate chip blueberry scone (Double Yum!). So the "crawling thru trunk hell" was looking like a wash at best.....

While waiting for our order, a Mom and her daughter began ordering behind us. Not unusual in anyway, except for the fact that the little girl was dressed head to toe as a cat.

Yep, a giant cat ordering a muffin....

She had whiskers painted on her face, a three-foot tail attached to her cat pants...little cat ears sticking up thru her hair...

Of course, I decided on two courses of action at this point.....one, mentally making sure that it wasn't October 31st...and two, remarking to the woman that "Wow, what a coincidence...I almost wore my giant cat outfit....that would have been weird, huh??!"

Now, I thought that was funny, and so did the pregnant Asian woman buying me breakfast...but this woman gave me a look that actually made me want to pour liquid hot magma down my throat so I wouldn't be able to say anything else the rest of the morning. I mean, she was mad! Like I've threatened her daughter, or mocked her, or something even worse that I as a non-parent can't even come up with....

So I skulked down to the end of the counter, and occasionally would steal a glance at the mother and her ridiculously dressed cute daughter, and the mother would be all happy til she saw me, then produced her "I'd rather eat glass than be near you" look....

Well their food was done first for some reason, so they went and sat down....and the evil looks continued. At this point I then decided that not only had I done nothing wrong, but I had grown tired of the demented overly protective mother, and was going to say something on the way out....but what?

Fortunately the little cat...er..girl started making a sound over and over again. You would have thought it would have been something cat related, but no, she was saying "Grrrrrr..." again and again, much to the delight of the mother.

So on my way out the door, after making sure I got the "Go To Hell For All Eternity" look from her again, said rather loudly..."And by the way, it's "Meow" with all the sarcasm I could muster. I didn't look back, but rather briskly walked to my car, in the off chance that she had some sort of automatic weaponry in that hideous purse of hers....

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You would think that would be enough for any 15-minute span, but no....

As I walked to my car, I noticed a man in full business attire on his hands and knees looking under a car. Thinking that perhaps the parking lot was historically a place for automobile oddities, I inquired if he had lost his keys....

He said no, he "thought he saw a frog".....

Well I paused and tried to run that through my mental processor, which by now was running only at half-speed...but I reasoned that...

>>Even if he had seen a frog, why was he getting his nice suit dirty looking under his car for it. >>Had he never seen one before, only had heard about the "Legends of the Frogs"?

Reasoning that I must have heard him incorrectly, I meekly retorted "A Frog??". He then turned to me, and said in an unbelivably sarcastic and evil voice "Yes, A Fuc**** Frog!!" while making 'hopping' gestures with his hand.

I got in my car quickly, and as I drove off fired the sarcastic salvo "Good Luck with the search Doolittle!" which I'm sure drove him in to the arms of the CatMother, where both are plotting my downfall as I type this....

The moral of the story, as always....make your own damn coffee or tea from now on....

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Miss Piggy: Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Kermit: Uh... motorcycle cop.
Miss Piggy: "Motorcycle cop" is a sweet nothing?
Kermit: A motorcycle cop is chasing us....
--"The Muppet Movie", 1979.