Another interior shot of the future TV Guy Mansion...
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When you think of two words that bring immense enjoyment and happiness to children all over the world, several choices immediately spring to mind...
>>Santa Claus
>>Easter Bunny
>>Ronald McDonald
>>Tooth Fairy
>>Peter Pan
All fine options, and all are worthy...
...but for me, there is only one two word moniker that really captures where we are as Americans in the 21st century.... two words that make you stand just a little bit taller.... a little bit prouder... a little bit wiser... I'm speaking of course, of none other than.....
>>Steven Seagal
The history of enjoyment that Steven Seagal has brought to the world is without measure... who among us hasn't thrilled to his Direct-To-Video films such as "Mercenary of Justice" and "Out For A Kill" (my favorite ridiculous movie title ever....at least it doesn't apply to the "Seagal Movie Axion" that all his films must have three words in the title...such as...)
>>"Hard To Kill"...
>>"Above The Law"...
>>"Marked For Death"...
>>"Out for Justice"...
>>"On Deadly Ground"...
>>"The Glimmer Man"....
>>"Fire Down Below"....
>>"Half Past Dead"...
>>"Today You Die"...
Which always instills in me other three-word thoughts like...
>>"This Movie Sucks"...
>>"God He's Fat"...
>>"Tub Of Goo"...
>>"Slow as Molasses"...
>>"Needs Elastic Slacks"...
>>"Please Stop Acting"...
>>"Please Stop Eating"...
>>"Situps Highly Recommended"...
>>"Built Like Weeble"...
>>"Hair Too Oily"...
>>"Shirt Hide Belly"...
(Seriously, has there ever been an "action" star that has just let himself go like that and continues to churn out cinematic swill? I'm convinced he's created this whole "Extreme Buddhist / Asian Guru" thing just so he has an excuse to wear a kimono to cover that belly...)
Fine, you say...but you'd still like to incorporate more Seagal in your life, while at the same time consuming beverages that show how you feel about him, and the world around you...
No problem!
Because Steven is now in the energy drink business! How bout a little free product placement for him....
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you....Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. I don't even know where to begin.. a sampling...
>>Website Factoid 1: When Steven Seagal traveled to Asia searching for the ingredients for Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt, he wanted a universal Asian character to summarize it's energy and power. The character known as "CHI" stands for power, and energy in many Asian languages and cultures.
TV Guy Rebuttal...the incorrect use of "it's" not withstanding....grrr.... he wanted a universal Asian character meaning energy....well, let's see..that's a pretty long list....there's CHI... and....er... well...umm...Nope, that's it. A list of one. Perfect..let's move on to...
>>Website Factoid 2: Both mysterious and powerful, it is a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer - Such is Steven Seagals Lighting Bolt energy drink.
TV Guy Rebuttal....what is a Lighting (?) bolt anyway? A sash of fabric at the base of a lamp? (I've emailed the webmaster so if this is fixed by the time this sees blogville, trust me, it said "Lighting"....)
I know, I know, you're asking yourself... "TVGuy, why would you help them fix a typo when they are selling such a ridiculous product..." Well...this is the power of Seagal...I am compelled to help...
>>Website Factoid 3: It is also one of the very few energy drinks to be offered in multiple flavors...
TV Guy Rebuttal...I shudder to think if Mr. Seagal had been around to influence some other companies...we'd be stuck with...
>Baskin & Robbins 2 Flavors (We have Chocolate AND Vanilla!!)
>Kentucky Fried Chicken's 2 Herbs and Spices (Salt AND Pepper!)
what I'm saying Steve (may I call you Steve?), if by "multiple" you mean TWO, then yes, it's offered in a myriad of flavors......
Website Factoid 4: - First energy drink to be made of 100% juice.... AND....First energy drink to contain Tibetian Goji Berries and Asian Cordyceps (don't ask)
TV Guy Rebuttal....well, if it's made of 100% juice, how can it contain Goji Berries and Cordyceps?? Or anything else for that matter? Is this drink so powerful that inside each can lies 120% of product?
Website Factoid 5: - The name Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt was an inevitable afterthought.
TV Guy Rebuttal...Yes, it was inevitable...when listing my favorite things with which to refresh myself, the list goes something like this...
1. Ice cold water
2. Gatorade
3. Crisp Fruity Wine
4. A conduit of 54,000 degree ionized plasma thrust from a storm front
5. Milk
Inevitable indeed....
Website Factoid 6: When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature - The Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt.
TV Guy Rebuttal: Ever read those manuals or food cartons from Japanese exporters? You know, for VCR's, Weird Foods, etc.. The ones that are then translated into English by people who really don't know Japanese very well...which give you sentences like....
>>"Power down appliance only manually with pudding and merriment..."
>>"Apply sauce w/ motion of basting to Poultry, Beef-like Sources, Veal, Ghosts and Kittens..."
>>"Using this repeatedly brings much to the way of understanding and intimate puppetry..."
>> (Seen on a blanket tag) "Do Not Use As Protection From Tornado, Else You Die.."
You get the idea. Anyway, that sentence from the website reminds me of that..let me refresh your memory...
When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature - The Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt.
What? It literally doesn't make any sense. If I am interpreting it correctly, the only thing in nature as powerful as Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt is....Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt, which was already occuring in nature before it was invented??!!!
Kill me. Kill me now.
Website Factoid 7: Steven Seagal now can add "Energy Drink Formulator" to a list of talents that already includes veteran actor, singer/songwriter, guitarist, and Aikido black belt.
TV Guy Rebuttal: A recent Gallup Poll surveyed 15,000 of our nation's youth, and the question was...
"What do you want to be when you grow up"??
Some of the notable results were...
Number / Profession
5,301 - Pro Athlete
3,902 - President / Politician
3,201 - Doctor / Physician
104 - Plumber
11 - Ballerina
4 - Sewage / Waste Treatment Facilitator
3 - Rectal Surgeon
2 - Large Zoo Animal Cage Custodian
1 - Girlfriend of Howard Stern
0 - Energy Drink Formulator
Glad to see him buck the trend...
And DO NOT get me started on "Singer/Songwriter" on his resume...have you heard his (only) latest work, "Songs from the Crystal Cave"? No? You honestly don't think I've had you come this far and not suffer with me, do you??
You'll find 2 examples here and
here...
Well, I'm exhausted from all this typing..fortunately for me (and you!) I know where I can get a Goji berry-infused drink that will both refresh body and spirit!
Not that there is any way that I can atone to Mr. Seagal for this brutal blog entry, but his first movie..."Above the Law"....pretty good actually. Then he got awful career advice and we are left here today with a body of work that...
>>"Sucks Real Hard"...
>>"Makes You Retch"...
>>"Scream With Terror"...
>>"Can't Stop Mocking"...
>>"Must End Blog"...
>>"Help Me Please"...
>>"End This Now"...
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Senator Vernon Trent: You can take that to the bank!
Mason Storm: I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank!
--"Hard to Kill" (1990)
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