Treading Water, Part 1...

Flour Mills Lofts, Denver....

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This is Part 1 of a really elaborate email conversation my friend Jana and I are having... I am enjoying it so much I thought I'd share... here is her initial email...

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Jana: It's water in a box.!

Yes, Water In A Box

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TVGuy: I feel like Bruce Banner after he's been tossed around by some thugs for a minute or so... not quite ready to turn into the Hulk, but things aren't looking good for the thugs if my meaning is clear...

Almost nothing makes me angrier than Bottled Water... the fact that we dump millions of metric tons of plastic containers into landfills annually when in fact that very substance housed on the inside of the plastic comes out of your tap for about... you know... far less than a penny... what are you people doing?

How can Dasani and Aquafina still be in business? You are essentially taking your money and lighting it on fire.. and now there are Juice Boxes that contain water so "kids will drink it"???

I didn't have juice boxes of water as a kid... you know what we had? An empty glass! That we filled up from the faucet!! Or a garden hose on a hot summer day!!!!! I can't stop using excessive punctuation I'm so angry!!!!!!!!

Look, there are 2, and only 2 reasons to ever drink bottled water.

1. Your tap water tastes like the inside of a shoe (yes, Indianapolis, I'm talking to you...) But 98 percent of American towns dispense perfectly fine drinking water.. so shut up and open your faucet and put your glass under it and drink it already....

2. You need water for hiking or some other sort of physical activity and you've forgotten your water supply but you need portability.

That's it. No other reasons. Bottled water isn't "better" for you or "cleaner" or any other of the bullshit words that bottlers of this virtually free substance put in their marketing... would you pay for oxygen? Sunlight? Of course not. Stop buying water you idiots....

Oh, and Wateroos? This is in their FAQ...

Q: What is purified water?

A: Well, it’s the same type of water found in many adult bottled water brands that are labeled “purified drinking water” (good examples are Aquafina & Dasani).

Yes, those are good examples, because Aquafina & Dasani use Goddamn Municipal Water in their bottles... AAAAIIIIEEEE!!!!!

I hesitate to ask the question Jana, but do you buy bottled water? How say you?

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Jana: Well Greg, yes. Yes, we do drink bottled water in my family. We drink A LOT of bottled water, as everyone should. But not just any bottled water, we drink the very BEST bottled water...

That's right, it's JANA bottled natural artesian water - bottled at its pristine source, in the picturesque Croatian village of St. Jana. I know, I had you then I lost you. Is there a greater oxymoron than picturesque Croatian? (Well, maybe there are greater oxymorons, but that's a pretty good one). I dare you not to conjure up an image such as this when you hear the word Croatia:

Well, that was just sarcasm, you know, we don't really drink a lot of bottled water. BUT If we did, it would be new Chocolatemint Water from Metromint. Here is some of their marketing magic:

Chocolatemint water combines pure water, cocoa essence and real mint. Metromint is launching the product during the Halloween season in a bid to target consumers in search of a sweet treat with fewer calories. "A healthier Halloween doesn’t have to be bland," said president, Scott Lowe. "With Chocolatemint, you can still get your chocolate fix without sporting a costume or trick-or-treating for sugary candy." And at a price of a mere $38.00 for a case of 24, who doesn't want to run out and pick up five or six cases in order to hand them out to trick-or-treaters?

All I can say is if someone put a bottle of water in my plastic pumpkin bucket when I was a kid, the trees in their yard would be filled with toilet paper in the morning.

I do have to applaud the promotions people who are pushing this stuff. They've clearly figured out that we'll buy anything if it's packaged nicely and talked up enough. Case in point: the Snuggie. Or energy drinks. Don't get me started on energy drinks. You drink them, don't you, Greg?

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TVGuy: (Ignoring the fact that there is a bottled water named Jana for just a minute...)

I hate energy drinks... hate hate HATE energy drinks.. how the hell did the founding fathers get through the day without Krank, HighVoltage, Amp34... etc... ?? Do you really need extra "energy" to play video games, sit around and watch TV, etc??

God the Bottling Industry really pisses me off... but longtime readers of TVGuy know this because of the post that brought Steven Seagal front and center....

Seagal and You!

Anyway, I don't want to get away from the subject of bottled water... seriously folks, STOP DRINKING IT... it's like a magician has boonswaggled America on stage right before he cuts Miley Cyrus in half with a saw.. wait, that sounds like a good idea... wait, I've lost focus.. where was I...

Oh yeah, water... I was at the store the other day and was behind a couple in the self checkout line and the woman was explaining to the man why she had two cases of Aquafina... "It's healthier!"

Inside I screamed "AAAAIIEEEE" while outwardly speaking loudly "Actually, no, Aquafina is purified water from Detroit.. you are just taking your money and destroying it for no reason at the molecular level..."

The guy turned around, asked me if I was serious... I replied I was... and he took the two cases and returned them down Aisle Seven.... my work there was done...

When you email me back Jana I'm going to hope that you aren't an energy drink fiend... or we are going to have a problem... what say you?

(Part Two next week...)

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Penn: Consumers are offered water with names conveying pure and pristine water sources. Ever hear of Alaskan Falls water? That must come from the crystal-clear glacial waters of our 49th state, right? Sorry, folks. Alaskan flows from this liqui-box corporation building in Worthington, Ohio. Does the brand Yosemite conjure up visions of the cool, prestine waters rushing through California's high sierras? Well, then the marketers have done their jobs. The source of Yosemite bottled water is actually 400 miles away in Northwest Los Angeles...
--"Penn & Teller: Bullshit!" (Showtime)

anonymously yours...

The back of a nearby Interstate 25 sign....

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I've often griped about Internet message boards and the hateful childish commenting done by folks who hide behind screennames like BikerBoy34, PuddinPop32 or StillLiveWithParents012... time will not look back favorably on this period of Internet Gestation... 

The sometimes naive parental take on this is of course "Don't say anything privately you wouldn't say to someone in person"... which also happens to be both naive and incredibly true... 

From my pulpit here at TVGuy I often rail against certain groups, factions, tv stations, shows, movies, etc... and admit fully that my perspective is often fueled by sarcasm... 

It's always easy to criticize rather than seek for solutions... and perhaps I should do a better job of seeing the good in people and things.. heaven knows with the Fox News Channel out there the number of people who yell at others increases almost exponentially every day... 

Why bring this up?

I'll tell you...

I received two "letters" from "anonymous" after posting my last entry (our monthly or so mailbag)... I had used a previous anonymous comment left a few weeks ago as a comedic crutch for... well, here is the letter and my response..

>>Welcome back. i have been checking to see if you were blogging again. Im glad you're back and i hope you continue to blog for years to come. As i said in a previous post, i love your unique take on everyday life and quick wit. KEEP BLOGGING DAMN YOU!! LOL 

--anonymous (via blogger)

TVGuy:  That's really nice... but for the love of God, who are you????  The anonymity of the internet really pisses me off sometimes... this could be someone I dated in High School or a serial killer in cellblock C in a SuperMax facility somewhere... I'm both flattered and looking into handgun procurement... fortunately it doesn't happen very often..

So you see, I made a point that it being anonymous makes it impossible to figure out who its from, which I think anyone would agree can be both flattering and somewhat scary....

I received this response the next day from "Anonymous"...

>>I was just trying to be nice and let you know that i enjoy your blog. I`m neither a serial killer or someone you know from high school. I guess that will teach me to leave a comment and compliment someone. Maybe i should send you a comment that you suck and i can`t stand reading your stupid blog then maybe i won`t be categorized as some serial killer wacko. Don`t worry i won`t send you anymore comments.

--anonymous (via blogger)

So obviously "Anonymous" isn't a fan of my blog, or they wouldn't be so unbelievably thin-skinned... besides, why would you care if I made fun of you? No one knows who you are!

But I can (perhaps) see why they might be upset, hence my comment earlier about maybe being a kinder, gentler TVGuy... more of a "Little House on the TVGuy Prairie" sort of feel... kickin' it old school on Walton's Mountain perhaps...

While I make my decision, here is today's comment from someone else going by "Anonymous".. I'm assuming it's a different one, but who the hell knows....

>>Please stop blogging. You`re not funny or creative. You give bloggers a bad name..

--anonymous (via blogger)

(Now that I look at the comments, "anonymous" uses a ` symbol instead of an ' symbol for contractions in both letters, so maybe it is the same person... hmm... anyway... )

So let's break down that last letter, shall we?  It submits three items for discussion very quickly...

>>They want me to stop blogging.

>>I suck.

>>The fictional group "bloggers" is being slandered by me somehow... I think I also irritate "humans" and "people with opposable thumbs", but we'll save that for another time...

As if I would read this and think "Yes, I should stop this instant.  Thank goodness for that advice!"  Why even take the time to write anything at all?  It's patently ridiculous and a waste of their time and mine... seriously, what kind of a nutjob composes, writes and then sends this shit to people??

But then I think, hmm... maybe this new gentler kinder TVGuy could look at it differently? 

Because the older, meaner TVGuy would have immediately written a multiple-choice response like the one below...

Again, the original comment...

>>Please stop blogging. You`re not funny or creative. You give bloggers a bad name..

--anonymous (via blogger)

Normally I would have saved this for a future mailbag and responded as such...

TVGuy: Thanks for writing!  Let's come up with a multiple choice quiz for "Anonymous" shall we?  Which of these is how I would like to respond?!

A) I hope you swallow poison ivy....

B) What was your GED score anyway?

C) Do you tell people that you stopped sucking your thumb at age 19?

D) I wouldn't attend your funeral, but I'd send a nice letter approving of it...

E) There is nothing wrong with you I can't fix with my bare hands...

F) Go Fuck Yourself.

Yep, definitely struggling with being a good or evil TVGuy.... we'll open the envelope and see if we find any answers there... 

(opening fictional envelope...)

And the answer is... 

Wow, I am evil... turns out it was a trick question "Anonymous"... 

G)  All Of The Above

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Abby: An anonymous tooth brush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with typhoid Mary's straight razor....

--"NCIS" (CBS)

letters, we get letters...

St. Mary's Glacier and Lake, taken this past weekend...

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Let's take a break from our critique of our 5 local TV stations and dip once more into our overflowing mailbag... without further ado...

>> TV's Greg...

Hey, I wanted to alert you of a blog I began following while you were on hiatus that I think you will enjoy. It is http://www.nerdist.com/ by Chris Hardwick...yes, that Chris Hardwick of the 90's famed Singled Out with Jenny McCarthy on MTV. And, who could forget Shipwrecked the beloved dating game on a boat...  Anyway, I think you will enjoy not only his humor, but Tech-goodness.  Anyway, let me know your thoughts.

--TV's Scott
 

TVGuy: Well, upon visiting his site (which was quite fun upon first glance) I found an article ripping into the movie "Back to the Future"... my friend Todd is the world's biggest BTTF fan and I forwarded it to him BEFORE reading it... so I may be reading a story about him in the paper tomorrow (Local Man stabs others, self, with toy DeLorean)... 

I work in a building with about 2,302 other people so there are quite a few different types of cars in our parking lots.. for awhile last summer there was a DeLorean there.. haven't seen it much anymore but I'm kinda surprised those "gull-wing" doors never caught on...

I mean, pretty cool, right?? Anyway, enough about that... next letter!

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>> thanks for sharing this interesting information, but I accept through your blog you are adding "business videos" but your blog is really cool and knowledgeable information.

--"business videos" via Blogger.

TVGuy:  I've read that sentence 34 times now and I still have absolutely no idea what any of that means... can anybody help out here?  

It's like those maddening Japanese/English translations that you see on imported products that make no sense whatsoever... like "Enjoy Eggs while hot to avoid Puppets and magic...." or "Fiery Sauce with Whimsy not Accidental"... 

I was making some curried chicken with rice for dinner on Sunday and needed Fish Sauce... our local grocer didn't carry that particular product so I drove down Federal Boulevard to the Asian Marketplace... have any of you ever shopped in a Japanese market?  It's nuts, right?  Let me count the ways...

1. Just try to get someone to help you... (go on, I dare you...) all the workers there are wearing street clothes and no name tags or hats or aprons or any other damn markers singling them out... and when you do finally spy someone stacking Blue Gorilla Liver or whatever it is on a tray and ask them where something is you always get the same answer... "djejke ekwe huh?"

Look, I get that I'm in the minority here as there were 100 Asian shoppers and about 14 Americans... but all these people live in America, so actually there were 114 Americans... and our language, our currency of words if you will, is English... would it kill you to hire someone who knows what the hell "Peanut Oil" sounds like?  I mean, I'm shopping in Denver in 2009 for god's sake... not 50s Tokyo... just meet me in the middle is all I ask... 

2. The maddening Japanese/English translations just piss me off the more I think about it... again, we're about a decade into the 21st century... there are translators all over the internet... multiple sites that can translate "Sobameshi" into "Fried Noodles with Rice".... and not "Bulletholes are Fancy with Butter" which is what I normally see... There is an aisle in the middle of the store that has a sign above it that tells us that in this section of the store you can find both rice and "Pickle With Fish"... what the hell does that even mean??

It's bullshit.  Just like every damn Mexican restaurant in town has a takeout menu with 12,143 grammatical errors... this isn't hard.. find a smart friend of yours, have them look it over, and fix the mistakes... thanks in advance...

3. There was a guy behind me in line who had nothing in his cart, but was in the checkout line anyway... he was staring intently at the "Hello Kitty Candy Lip Balm" for quite awhile.. and eventually took it and put it in the shopping cart... I'm not even sure what to say about this so let's get to the next letter, okay?

(Oh, one last thing.... the Curried Chicken with rice was absolutely delicious and I'll make this point again... cooking with a wok is both easy and fun... just ask TVGal about my Kung Pao Chicken... I could sell that dish on a street corner out of a cart... anyway...)

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>>Welcome back. i have been checking to see if you were blogging again. Im glad you're back and i hope you continue to blog for years to come. As i said in a previous post, i love your unique take on everyday life and quick wit. KEEP BLOGGING DAMN YOU!! LOL 

--anonymous (via blogger)

TVGuy:  That's really nice... but for the love of God, who are you????  The anonymity of the internet really pisses me off sometimes... this could be someone I dated in High School or a serial killer in cellblock C in a SuperMax facility somewhere... I'm both flattered and looking into handgun procurement... fortunately it doesn't happen very often... 

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>>I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often. Keep it up.

--anonymous (via blogger)

TVGuy: AAAIIIEEEE... (placing aluminum bat under bed for protection... back in a sec...)

See, here's the thing... you get stuff like that and you think for a few seconds that your shit smells a bit sweeter than your neighbor who just walked by wearing a shirt without sleeves and looking a bit like Kelsey Grammar who just got out of a charity dunktank... but then you look at the last 500 searches that brought traffic to your blog and you get this (I'll spare you and give you just the most recent ones...)

--urnial flush

--decibel urinal flush

--french tv guy

--shave my back

--dryer sheet

--bacon flavored mints

--tom green

--slutty hot chicks

--bigfoot

--that's not cheese

--tv shows

--hobby lobby 

--ashley judd

--reindeer in a can

--itty bitty funtime

--eight is enough wedding

--heinz ketchup

--purr like walrus

--fun burp

--helga the stomping mare

--creepy pennies (I swear I didn't make that up)

--supergirl free photo

--loud clapping

--tv shows

--milk gravy

--guy who sleeps in laundry

--tvguy

--superhot muffins

--top tv shows

--milky breath

--smelly

--drinking one's urine

--gorilla fart

--potato racism

So if you need info on creepy pennies while eating superhot muffins and drinking your own urine, apparently I'm the one stop web destination... ick.  Anyway...

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>>I loved the Weird Foods article you wrote, but I haven't seen any of those products in my store... did you make them up?

--can*****12 @yahoo.com

TVGuy: I assume you mean this page... and no, those are all actual items, albeit some of them found internationally rather than locally... 

But while we are talking about the supermarket again, can I bitch about the generic charities you are now asked to give to when you are in the checkout lane?  As I was entering my PIN and other info a screen came up to ask me "Would you like to Roundup your bill to donate to People With Disabilities"??

"People With Disabilities"??  What the hell is that??  How about "United Way" or "Salvation Army"... I have no idea where my money is going there...  what, we couldn't strike a deal with "Tummyaches International" or "BooBoo Colorado"??  C'mon!  You gotta tell me the charity!  So until you do, I'm keeping my nickels and pennies.  Thanks anyway...

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>>What's better? Hot Dogs or Hamburgers?

--billt**** @earthlink.net

TVGuy: That wasn't his whole email.. I often just take an portion that I want to talk about here... but I will say that there is just no answer to that question.  I mean, it's literally impossible for me to choose... 

However, when it comes to hot dogs and hamburgers I have some thoughts...

1. To my friend TV's Matt, I'm sorry but Ketchup has absolutely no place on hot dogs.  None.  I won't discuss this further...

2. It's weird that there is no ham in hamburgers, right?  Is this why we've added bacon to burgers now sometimes?  And is there anything that isn't better with the addition of bacon?  I'd like to publicly thank the pig while I'm here.. way to go porky...

3. A little grilling tip from TVChef Mario Batali which we have wholeheartedly embraced here at the TVGuy mansion... add a quarter cup of BBQ sauce to your meat (with salt and pepper also) before forming into thin patties.. they get extra crispy on the edges on the grill, and the BBQ sauce doesn't really make them taste like barbeque, but it gives the meat a nice moistness that I'm not sure I can do without from this time forward... 

4. There are many people out there that turn their noses up at hot dogs on the grill and say things like "oh, I never eat those.. do you have any idea what they put in them??"

To those people I respond "Shut The Hell Up"... it's not 1963 anymore... you're basically getting meat in casings here... and they're delicious... period.  If you don't eat any meat because you are a Food Terrorist Vegetarian that's fine.. but leave the rest of us alone as we smile and reach for the spicy mustard, okay??  Thanks in advance...

(They're invariably the same people who don't like Christmas "Because It's Too Commercial"... yeah, if you don't like happy kids who squeal like diabetic seals that morning ripping open their gifts around a tree decorated with twinkling lights while some breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls are filling the house with smells that are just one small iota beneath what Heaven must smell like, then go move to another country.  Seriously.  Just pack your stuff up and go away.  God, I hate those people... anyway...)

5. There is no answer to the question "Do you want cheese on your burger?" that is acceptable other than "Yes"... 

6.  There are certain smells that just are hardwired in human's DNA to enhance the pleasure centers of the brain... and stuff on a grill is near the top of the list... you could be grilling a tennis shoe and I'd argue it would at least smell good.... so get out there this summer and do some fish or beef or something on your Weber, won't you?  

Where were we...

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>>Did you see that the guy who dresses up as Peter Pan on the world's worst website got married recently??  I dare you to watch the wedding video....

--and*** @aol.com

TVGuy: Ha! Way ahead of you...we watched it at work the other day.. all three videos actually and it was both hilarous, creepy, disturbing and UnableToRemoveEyesFromScreenForOneSecond Fun!  I'll link to the site, but from there you are on your own... warning... seeing his photos where he is dressed as a bunny may cause Retinal Damage... good luck... Off To NeverNeverLand

(Seriously, his site has over 10 million hits and mine has less than 150,000??  Why the hell am I even writing anymore....sigh...)

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>>I just read your Urine Therapy article (forwarded to me by someone.. I wasn't Googling Urine Therapy.. honest!!) and I laughed so hard I scared everyone in the office.  Thanks so much...

--gmar***** @yahoo.com

TVGuy:  (then again....)

____________________ 

Xander:  Ooh, Sunnydale bus depot. Classy. What better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine....

--"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (WB)

fourdom....

Driving to St. Mary's Glacier this weekend I took this shot of Interstate 70 heading to the mountains... (as with most TVGuy photos, clicking on it makes it magically grow...)

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Last week we tackled Channel 2 in our tour of local Denver newscasts.. oh, I'm sorry.. "The Deuce"... 

Anyway, as we continue in numerical order, next up.. Channel 4 (CBS)

Assignment: To watch all 5 local news channels in one week, both morning and evening permutations...

Location: The TVGuy Mansion, not yet in HD sadly...

Dates: Weeks of May 18th & 25th, 2009.

This Week's Channel: 4 (CBS)

First off, I want to say that a former co-worker and friend of mine, Duncan, is a producer at Channel 4... fortunately, I don't fall in the demographic range his station is trying to hit, namely anyone born between February 1947 and... umm.. well, before there were cars...

Again, we continue on with our old friends Good, Bad and Ugly...

Good: As we all know by now, nothing is more annoying onscreen than the 834 tickers of stock, news, sports, weather, stocks and recipe information that seemingly most stations now feel obligated to put up there... I mean, what on earth am I supposed to be paying attention to??

Channel 4 has stripped it down to the bare essentials and given us 1 thing, and 1 thing only... the forecast for noon, 3pm and 6pm with the time and temperature. 

Let me just say... god bless you.  Perfection.  Simple, EXACTLY why I would turn on the tv in the morning... nothing scrolls on the screen, just the single most important thing a local news source can tell me.. is it going to rain today?  Again, thanks.  (A little more of this would be great, but it's about all I'm going to sadly get...)

(Okay, I'll throw a few more out there... did the Nuggets win last night?  Major Traffic Screwups?  Death of a VIP?  That's it.. nothing else... just rotate those four things endlessly... thanks in advance..)

Bad: The weather graphics here aren't any better than they were over at "The Deuce"... it's like we're going backwards technology wise... c'mon, have you people seen Google Maps??  Get with the program!

Ugly: Channel 4 "right-justifies" its graphics for the forecast like stations have done for decades.. that is to say, they are pushed over to one side of the screen while the weather person is keyed over them on the other side... unfortunately, Channel 4 never puts anyone over these graphics.. it just looks sloppy and lazy...

Bad: Live Copter 4 is on the scene at 6am to tell us that... well, the roads are pretty clear out here... you know, LIKE THEY ARE EVERY SINGLE DAY AT 6AM.... I hate TV traffic...

Ugly: Our chopper folks tell us helpfully though that you've GOT to be careful out there, because it's SUNNY!!!  AAIIEE!!

Look, they invented the sun visor about 12,125 years ago.... we've got it covered... thanks though...

Bad: Our male anchor (I watched for an hour and never saw his name on screen... I have no earthly idea what his first name is.. honest... let's call him "Tank"....) badly needs some hair gel... the top of his head looks like a summer dandelion...

Good:  Gotta say, the background graphics used for Channel 4's full screen information is just great... I mean, I wish it was the background for my home computer... really nice, words are easy to read... me likey...

Bad: Having said that, there is no real way to discern what year we're living in while watching Channel 4 news... could be 2009, could be 1992.... it's a crapshoot really...

Ugly:  My least favorite affectation local stations have begun in this, the "Age of the Internet"... yes, it's "Viewer Opinions"... the News4 anchors sit and read off their computer screens what some people have "written" in to them in talking about the stories... it's every bit as boring and frustrating as it sounds... 

Listen, "Norm from Aurora" needs to get the hell out of my living room... your station has paid you people to have some sort of skill at newsgathering... I DON'T CARE WHAT 2 RANDOM PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT A CITY-COUNTY BOARD MEETING.... it's just really lazy and stupid and good lord I hate it just about as much as anything... 

As I'm about to find out, my hatred will be compounded by the fact that they do this about 5 times an hour... it's the opposite of news.  I mentioned I hate it, right??

Ugly: It's 6:30am, and that means we'll get to the day's top stories and... er... oh god, no... MORE VIEWER INSTANT MESSAGES.... 

Let me throw one in a little late.. "TVGuy from Denver" thinks Channel 4 has its head up its ass... 

Bad: I still have no idea what the first names are of either of our anchors... they have as much chemistry as sulfur and water... 

Ugly:  Gloria Neal joins us to... ummm.. I really don't know actually, other than to say she sits on set for about 5 minutes talking about one story "in-depth"... I know her name is Gloria Neal because EVERY SINGLE SECOND SHE IS ON AIR HER NAME GRAPHIC IS AS WELL... it's like she's wearing a name tag... I'm utterly baffled... she also says "Honey" about 3,225 times in 4 minutes... 

Ugly: I'm told our copter reporter is a "Traffic Specialist"... what a load of crap that is... hey, it gets busy at Rush Hour, then tapers off after that... look, I'm a Traffic Specialist!!  Weeee!!

Let's get to the evening newscast, shall we??

Ugly: The 2nd segment begins with an unbelievably cheesy shot of the four anchors sitting around a table laughing and talking as if they were actually friends while we get their first and last names read to us (thank god I know who someone is!!)  But it's just crazy cheesy... I couldn't hate it more...

Bad: Tonight's weather graphics are brought to us by the year 1998...

Super Duper Ugly:  There really is nothing to comment on with this show.. it's perfectly servicable but is the same show that was done 10 years ago... there is nothing whatsoever to distinguish it from anything else... I'm not convinced the "anchor team" likes each other, or for that matter knows what everyone's name is.... 

But the worst part about this newscast is the commercial break after sports where the female anchor tells us "We'll be right back"... then the viewer is asked to sit through 2 minutes of commercials and then we get a TEN SECOND last segment where the anchor team says "thanks for watching" and then they are squeezed back to a graphical representation of them on an internet page... which is odd because the web is what's killing this Informational Dinosaur... but again, you asked me to sit through 2 minutes of commercials so you can basically say "goodbye'....?????!??

Couldn't we have covered that earlier?  Have some more stories in the other segments?  You're asking me to sit through paid ads so you can say "see ya"???  

Guess what... I'll join you... to everyone at Channel 4 news I'll say "See Ya"... like, when I'm 67 years old... til then, you're on your own...

TVGuy Rating (out of 100): 17

_______________________ 

Sheldon: I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. 

--"The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)

dropping a deuce...

Guanella Pass, 2008....

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As newspapers continue to fall by the wayside I thought I'd check in with our local Denver TV stations and watch their news efforts... mainly because I hadn't watched an evening newscast seemingly since Galileo walked the Earth... the Internet is killing the "old school" forms of news distribution, and why not... Back in "olden days" you had two ways of getting news..

1. Bobby throws a rolled up paper in a plastic bag on your lawn at 5:45 a.m.

2. "Chet" and "Jennifer" read 6 stories on your local tv station (one usually involving a puppy) and then 2 minutes of commercials...

Having folks sit at a desk in business attire and give you 10-12 stories in a half hour format is pretty much the worst possible way to get information... but perhaps things have changed since I last directed a local newscast (4 years ago)...

So I decided to DVR the morning shows and late night newscasts for all 5 networks here in Denver... I'm taking the punishment here so you don't have to... just another community service from all of us at TVGuy... we'll go in Numerical order because... well, that's just what most people would do, right?

Assignment: To watch all 5 local news channels in one week, both morning and evening permutations...

Location: The TVGuy Mansion, not yet in HD sadly...

Dates: Weeks of May 18th & 25th, 2009.

Introduction: Since it's Numerical order, first up is Channel 2.... oh, I'm sorry, "The Deuce"...

Yes, "The Deuce".... arguably the dumbest thing I've ever encounted in all my years in this industry... Channel 2 wishes to be called "The Deuce" at every opportunity... on my cable guide it actually says "Daybreak on the Deuce"... the General Manager thinks its cool, or so I've read in our local papers... the General Manager is of course, completely wrong..... it's incredibly stupid.... I've talked with a few folks who work there and they couldn't hate it more, complain about it constantly, and have had no positive feedback for it since it began.. and yet, "The Deuce" perseveres.....

(Note: In the interest of full disclosure, Channel 2 has merged buildings with Channel 31, my old employer... so I do know a few folks still working there... not surprisingly, most of them are miserable... just like when I worked there... it's never really been a "happy place.")

(Note 2: Fortunately for them, Jan Blair, Clyde Becker, Jon Takayama & Bill Schneider (known as "The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse") are no longer working there... else they would truly know the meaning of "miserable"... but I digress...)

Let's dig in.. first up, the morning show.. we're being helped out here with our old friends Good, Bad and Ugly....

>>Good - No one is wearing a tie. God Bless whoever allowed that to happen... why people on newscasts have to look like bankers all the time never made any sense to me..

>>Bad - "the Deuce" is on every graphic, every name identifier, everywhere... I'm convinced the news team has had it tattooed to their biceps... I've mentioned how much I hate "The Deuce", right?

>>Ugly - Our lead story has our intrepid reporter talking about gas prices... one place has gas at 2.13 a gallon, another has it for 2.14... so you'd better "shop around" to find the best price... because at 2.14 a gallon, that's going to cost me 14 cents more for a fillup.. thanks.. thats very helpful...

After she does her intro, we go to videotape of THE EXACT SAME GAS SIGN THAT WAS BEHIND HER DURING THE LIVE SHOT, EXCEPT NOW ITS DARK OUT... honestly, meaningless cover video just irritates me to no end.. this isn't helping out the viewer in anyway whatsoever.. it's lazy and just horrible news judgment.. of course, when the video runs out we are back to the reporter with the same sign behind her... I'm now jamming knitting needles into my eyes...

>>Good - Tom Green (our tie-less lead anchor) is far too good to be slumming on this newscast.. it's like watching David Letterman working a Rotary Breakfast... he's flinging one-liners all around and no one reacts to them...

>>Bad - Chick Fil A sponsors "Traffic on the 2's"... and at 6am there is predictably... no traffic. I'm no expert, but I'm guessing it picks up around rush hour, then is fine until late afternoon when a lot of people get off work, like say... 445pm?? Just guessing here though... again, I'm no expert...

>>Ugly - Production values are really sloppy... audio trails into the next story often, the station Time & Temp Bug in the corner frequently covers up lettering on story graphics... reporter reads from a notebook for 30 seconds while the video which is supposed to be on screen covering this is nowhere to be found... etc... it's like watching a college TV Station kinda....

>>Bad - Going to commercial breaks a graphic over a shot of the city informs us what song we're listening to... I only wish I was kidding... what's next, riddles?

>>Ugly - Weather graphics look like they're from 1995. Very unappealing. Which is surprising because "The Deuce" is in the same building as Fox31, which generally has outstanding weather graphics.. hmm...

>>Ugly - The Weather Team is known as "Storm Force". (I'll pause while you finish giggling...) It's on the background of the weathercenter on two humongous signs in case you forget... the problem (one of them anyway) with calling yourself "Storm Force" is the 300 days of sunshine Denver receives a year... if there isn't a storm, you look kinda ridiculous...

>>Bad - Angie Austin shows up as our Entertainment Reporter... she used to weather for the Channel 2 NewsTeam not that long ago... I remember liking her weathercasts.... now she is reading 25 second stories out of Entertainment Weekly... I actually feel sad for her right now...

>>Ugly - Actual exchange...

Angie Austin: Natalie's yawning a lot this morning.

Tom Green: That's because she's tired.

(Awkward laughter ensues...)

>>Bad - 2 minute story on a Jesus-shaped Cheeto. No need to go any further there, right?

>>Ugly - "Kurt The CyberGuy" showing many examples why the Internet is Destroying Local Newscasts gives us a report on who we should be following on Twitter that has not one single second of useful information. In other news, I hate "Kurt The CyberGuy".

>>Bad - Chris Parente shows up as the SarcasticWackyMorningReporter. I'm informed by my old friend "TV's Scott" that Chris Parente is an old fraternity brother... If he's a friend of TV's Scott, then I'll cut him some slack...

>>Good - Tom Green makes a comment about throwing a large piece of rock at Chris Parente.

>>Bad - Turns out it was just a joke. Damn.

>>Ugly - I'm told to go to their website for more information about 5,193 times, so I do. What I find there is so awful I think my eyes are bleeding. It's really just about the worst website ever. On the front page is a message board where people can just rip on the newscast and it's instanteously posted.

Let me say that again. Anyone can type whatever they want and it shows up on the front page of the website. I'm actually stunned by this. Let me throw a little bit of advice to the webmaster over at Channel 2... REMOVE THIS FEATURE IMMEDIATELY!!!!!! Always to happy to help.. where were we...?

>>Ugly - Reporter Leland Vittert gives us a story about kids and handguns and something else but I stopped listening after about 5 seconds because he looks like he couldn't give a shit about kids and handguns and whatever else... I could bring up the story about the time when Leland introduced himself to my wife twice in less than a minute, completely forgetting that he had done so 40 seconds earlier, but I'd rather focus on the fact that in his website bio it lists the word "taxpayer" as two words and just move on....

>>Bad - Waaaayy too much orange in the color scheme here folks...

>>Good - Tom Green comes back from commercial with a dog in his lap. Better yet, it is never explained why he has a dog in his lap. I like Tom Green. I like Dogs.

Moving on...Okay, time to tackle the evening news quickly....

>>Good - Everyone is standing.. no news desk.... I like it! Edgy!

>>Bad - Everyone is wearing a tie though... apparently news in the evenings is more important than news in the mornings....

>>Ugly - The sports guy's first name is "Zubin". I can honestly say I've never heard that name before... I can honestly say that I've seen the "WackySportsGuy" shtick about 11 million times though... ugh.

>>Good - Kim Posey, Channel 31 reporter stops by. When you look up the word "nice" in the dictionary, Kim's picture is always there....

>>Ugly - We have two reports from "The Internet Cafe". Where "Nina" shows you websites that are far more interesting than "The Internet Cafe". I think she just gave us a link for KillingLocalNewscasts.com... I hate "The Internet Cafe".

(I remember reading somewhere that the GM or News Director or someone high on the food chain wanted to make their newscasts appeal to "Young People". Apparently this is why the show is on at 7pm. Let me again help you folks out here... "Young People" don't watch the news. Ever. EverEverEver. Okay? I mean, EVER!)

>>Bad - Evening Weather Graphics still suck.

>>Ugly - Even though we don't have it during this show, "The Deuce" has local bands play in studio during their shows... I'll pause briefly as I know you are now overcome with hysterical laughter.. it's okay, I can wait....(Having local musicians play on your newscast would be great if, you know, "Young People" watched hour-long newscasts. Since they don't, it's a really shitty idea.)

>>Good - Everyone stands at the end while my old friend Fox31 SportsGuy Chris Tanaka putts a ball towards the camera... I like the standing thing with no desk.

Conclusion: Once a really good morning show, "Daybreak on the Deuce" now is... er.. well, not. The evening show is utterly forgettable in every way, except for the things that you remember that make you want to rub gravel into your scalp vigorously (Internet Cafe, house bands...)

If it wasn't for Tom Green, I'd consider taking "The Deuce" out of my channel lineup at home.

TVGuy Rating (out of 100): 12

(And naming your station after a synonym for feces really is ridiculous. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. There's still time to change... remember New Coke? Just sayin'....)

Next Monday: Channel 4 (not "The Double Deuce" or "The Quattro" as far as I can tell...)

_______________________
Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then I still don't care.
--“Newsradio” (NBC)

bad, bad movie...

Denver Botanic Gardens at Chatfield Resevoir last Christmas...

________

Only one thing could bring me back from hiatus and that of course is Bad Movie Monday... wherein a collection of my friends and I subject ourselves to the worst that Hollywood can throw at us... the very first BMM was "From Justin To Kelly" and "Gigli" which has yet to be topped for sheer numbing awfulness.. but we must keep trying or else we grow stagnant as human beings, no? Thusly, once more into the filmic breach we go...

Event: Bad Movie Monday XIII

Place: TVGuy Mansion

Date: April 27, 2009

11:45pm - It's about time for the 13th edition of BMM and our first two arrivals are old hands at the torturous process... James From Work and TV's Matt arrive, Matt bringing some sort of blackberry ale that is intriguing and yet I'm not offered any... hmm... anyway, sadly we must report that Special Guest Star Ernie has left Colorado for the East Coast and so with that opening we are joined by...

11:52pm - Yes, it's 5 O'Clock Jeff! (he makes Abraham Lincoln look like a hairless albino.... the nickname is a play on 5 O'Clock Shadow, which really doesn't make any sense because Jeff hasn't had that since grade school, but the nickname has been approved by all and thus we move forward...)

12:00pm - Whilst we consume the official snack food of TVGuy, Totino's Pizza Rolls, lunch preps are finished up and the first DVD is inserted into the player.... this afternoon's double feature is inspired by people we work and have worked with at the Mtn. Sports Network... our first film is "Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon", which was made with the help of some guy named Pete that was a camera operator for us on a freelance basis many moons ago and supposedly did something on this film which is unverifiable because he used a "stage name" or something... regardless, we'll be powering through it with a hot and tasty lunch... speaking of which...

12:03pm - Sloppy Joes are on the menu, for two reasons... firstly, they're delicious and highly underrated... and secondly, they are reddish loose meat, much like the Yeti's victims will be shortly... they are accompanied by Tater Tots, for two reasons... firstly, they're delicious and highly underrated... and secondly, their all-american potatoey goodness represents our last film of the day.. but more on that later...

12:06pm - Beginning our film while wolfing down the Joes and Tots (both delicious and highly underrated as we've learned earlier) we are horrified that the name of the film has been shortened to just "Yeti"... no "Snow Demon" or "Curse" for us... does this lessen the film's impact? Who knows?  Undeterred, we move on....

12:10pm - Our movie opens with a snowy scene in the mountains with multiple trees in the background and an onscreen caption tells us that we're at 19,000 feet... which is all well and good.. unless...

5 O'Clock Jeff: Isn't timberline around 14,000 feet?

TVGuy: Oops. Not off to a good start...

Matt: Casting in this film by "Random.org"

12:10:40pm - Yes, 40 seconds into the film the Yeti appears!! Wow, talk about not holding anything back! Less than a minute and our title antagonist is on screen!!

James From Work: It's the opposite of "Jaws".... an hour before we see the shark... maybe they know something Spielberg doesn't...

12:16pm - Now we're on an airplane, which is filled with college football players and is flying over the Himalayas and... er... wait a minute... the Himalayas??? Okay...

12:17pm - The quarterback's name is... wait for it... Peyton Elway. I only wish I was kidding....

12:18pm - Again, I just want to point out that the plane is flying over the Himalayas!! The school's name is the unbelievably generic "State College"...

James From Work: They're obviously going to be playing "Tech University"...

TV's Matt: Maybe they're flying over the Himalayas so they can play "Nepal Tech"...

12:20pm - One of our 19 year old football stars has perhaps the worst facial hair known to man... which brings up the age-old question...

TVGuy: What's scarier, a soulpatch or a yeti?

12:23pm - The airplane effects are clearly from the test laboratories of the Nintendo Wii... I'm not even sure if they are in "2D"...

12:25pm - Our plane is just skimming the mountaintops... which doesn't make any sense because most commercial aircraft are about 5-6 miles up in the air... how do we know this? Because we've got another guest, that's how! Please welcome...

12:26pm - Everybody Loves Robert has arrived (an obvious homage to the CBS comedy and Ray Romano... who was invited today to our little moviefest but strangely didn't return my multiple calls.. anyway...)

12:27pm - "Everybody Loves Robert" is the brother of 5 O'Clock Jeff, who strangely both have the same birthday, but in different years... what are the odds! (365 to 1 actually, but why quibble...) Anyway, Robert works at the Denver International Airport and brings up about 2,341 aircraft errors made by the producers of this film... but since the movie has a Yeti in it, accuracy isn't our first goal here...

12:29pm - As Robert makes quick work of the remaining Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots, both highly underrated and tasty, our plane crashes in the mountains....

12:35pm - The Yeti himself (I'm assuming gender here) is being played by a guy in a pretty lame suit... but every once in awhile the 3,000 bucks the producers had to render our apelike friend in CG pops on screen... basically they were able to afford two different effects (running and jumping, more on that in a minute) and edit them in different ways yet use the same effect over and over... I'm pretty sure I paid more in college tuition my freshman year than was spent in post-production on this film....

12:39pm - Our one Asian football player is being pursued by the Yeti, which prompts the day's most tasteless joke...

James From Work: (as Yeti) Hmm.. I haven't had Chinese food in awhile...

12:42pm - A severed arm is used as a splint for one of our characters... I don't know what else to add to that...

12:43pm - Seriously, a severed arm... befuddlement has cast a deep shadow over our little film party...

James From Work: Here, let me lend you a hand...

TVGuy: He's going out on a limb...

12:47pm - In all honesty, the acting really isn't that horrible and the scenery isn't bad.. a lovely snow covered mountain shot is shown...

TV's Matt: "Warren Miller's 'Yeti'", now in Imax theaters...

12:53pm - The football team has a yard marker as used by officials during the game... sure, you're asking yourself "What, the team has to bring the stadium equipment with them??" And you'd be right in questioning that... but since our lead actress has sharpened one end of the yard marker and has just now thrown it as a javelin to kill a "Himalayan Rabbit", maybe there is another question you'd like to ponder... like.. "What the Hell is Going On??"

12:57pm - Our Yeti has just eaten two more college students... that guy can certainly pack on the pounds....

TV's Matt: Apparently the Yeti doesn't suffer from "Food Comas"....

TVGuy: Is he susceptible to Tryptophan?? How many turkeys could he conceivably eat?

1:00pm: Quite the exchange...

Student #1: What could be stealing these dead bodies?

Student #2: My only guess could be "A Giant Ape"...

yep, just the conclusion I'd come to... I'm guessing these guys aren't honor students...

1:10pm - Two rescuers spy our Yeti-plagued students through a set of binoculars, putting them about 500 feet away... amazingly, they decide to sleep in and arrive on the scene about twenty-four hours later!!  I'm not making this up...

1:15pm - The "Jumping Yeti" animation is used about 8,310 times in the next two minutes... I'm not sure I can describe this properly, but I'll try... the Yeti walks/runs slower than your arthritic grandmother, but yet can jump about 30 feet in the air and at incredible speeds... he's "Spider-Yeti"... it's really about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen... and keep in mind I've seen many Ben Affleck films so that's really saying something....

1:19pm - One of our rescuers is introduced as "Fury"... kind of what I'm feeling towards the film's producers... how fitting...

1:23pm - The Yeti rips off someone's arm and hits them with it... let that be a sign that you're having a bad day....

1:25pm - My god, there are two Yetis!  Out of nowhere a second one has emerged... which begs the question.. what is the plural of Yeti anyway? Is it "yeti"? "yetis"?  

1:28pm - Thankfully, the film is over... beaten a bit senseless by that nonsense, we load our 2nd feature into the DVD Player... our friend James Bates (who had a bit part in an Adam Sandler comedy) is fourth billed in "A Small Town Conspiracy"... I mean, he's in the movie trailer as the fourth lead! ("...and James Bates" says the announcer guy...)  

We are all mightily excited... we'd be more excited if this film was actually commercially available in the United States...  TV's Matt bought it off of Ebay from someone in Greece.  I'm not making that up... which means the DVD onscreen directions are in Greek... 

I think "Av0pwttoc UetPOv" means either "Play" or "The Tiger is in the Laundry"... either way, we'll select that and get started...

Note: Our film was originally called "Florida City", but is now "A Small Town Conspiracy"... I really wish they had kept the original title for two reasons...

1. "Florida City" actually isn't the name of a city...

2. Our lead actor says the words "Florida City" about 3,902,109 times in this film...  I'm not sure, but I think he's from Florida City.. hard to say though...

1:45pm - We are witnessing someone inventing, for the first time, a "Breakfast Sandwich"... (the film is set in the 1940s, days before the attack on Pearl Harbor)

1:49pm - The lead actress in this film is 83 years older than the guy she is dating... major ick factor everytime she appears...

TV's Matt: "Mrs. Doubtfire" was hotter than her...

1:59pm - Our barkeep has more shoulder hair than the Yeti... ew....

2:04pm - There is a pay phone bolted to a fence in someone's yard... worth noting...

3:00pm - Look, I just can't bring myself to talk about this film... it's paced slower than a glacier... it's slooowww... Remarkably, our friend James acquits himself well against arguably the worst acting in a lead role I've ever seen... that guy sucked.  Wow... the yeti was better than he was...   That film was punishingly uninteresting... our group is almost sleepy at this point... I'm never watching "Florida City" ever again.

That was a pretty brutal display of cinema... in a few weeks we'll tackle 2 recent Al Pacino releases... and next week TVGal and I are watching every single local newscast, morning and evening.. one channel per day... in an effort to find "the best" in Denver... heaven help us...

Until then, good day...

________________________
Larry: Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was..
--"The Daily Show" (Comedy Central)

ta ta for now...

Sanibel Lighthouse....

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Here are the final results of the Beat TVGuy Oscar contest... there were a few entries that only had one difference out of all the picks.. unfortunately, RonD's one difference with mine proved my undoing... as well as Katie and Susie...

21 Ron, Katie, Sue

20 TVGuy, Remidos

19 Matt 

18 Danny

16 Rodney

14 Todd

13 MamaPrice, HVTV, Grove, Blum

12 James From Work, Statman, Cece

11 Jill, DH, PriceClub

10 Joe/Cari, TVGal

9 Wise, LDL, Sosa, TVTV, Jay, LSC, Judi, Jodi

8 Hanson

7 Rob

5 Brandon

_____

With about 9,034 other things I need to attend to in the upcoming months this site will be updated incredibly infrequently from this point forward... I've got about 9 new software programs to learn, 331 books to read, 14,513 photos to process and 5 golden rings... wait, that's not right... anyway, I'll pop in when the mood strikes but for the 13 of you that stop by every once in awhile... you may want to make that once in a blue moon for the foreseeable future... 

Until next time.... later...

___________________
Jeremy: If not now, when? If not me, then who?
Casey: Later and somebody else...
--"Sports Night", (ABC)

oscar picks...

Guanella Pass, Autum 2008...

_____

As I'm now on an Island off the coast of Florida, recapping the Oscars and the results of the Beat TVGuy contest will probably occur sometime Thursday morning... but in the interest of fairness, sportsmanship and all that other crap, here are my picks for Sunday night's ceremony....

BEST PICTURE Slumdog Millionaire

BEST ACTRESS Kate Winslet, The Reader

BEST ACTOR Sean Penn, Milk

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight

BEST DIRECTOR Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY Dustin Lance Black, Milk

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM Waltz with Bashir" (Israel)

BEST ANIMATED FILM WALL-E

BEST ART DIRECTION The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY Tom Stern, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST FILM EDITING Slumdog Millionaire

BEST COSTUME DESIGN Jacqueline West The Duchess

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE Man on Wire

BEST ORIGINAL SONG Jai Ho, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE Slumdog Millionaire

BEST MAKEUP The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

BEST SOUND EDITING The Dark Knight

BEST SOUND MIXING The Dark Knight

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM Spielzeugland (Toyland)

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM Presto

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT FILM The Witness - From the Balcony of Room 306

have a good week, won't you?

________________________
Larry: Disney's making a movie starring a black princess. And we only had to get through a Native American princess, an Arab princess, a Chinese princess, even a half-fish princess. Not to mention the countless cats, dogs, mice, elephants, talking cars, and whatever the hell Stitch was...
--"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)