Number 41 of my favorite 100 photos is....
This was taken the day before July 4th.... there were fireworks at Coors Field and I took this from my condo's deck... to me, it looks like the explosion is going off in the trees... liked the red streaks in the mostly black and white makeup of this one as well.... as always, pictures at TVGuy grow magically by just clicking on them... there is no charge for this service....
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A couple of photos have trickled into the mailbox that I'd like to share...
TVGuy Correspondent Chris passes along this unholy combination of two of our favorite foods....
mm... chocolate covered bacon... despite every cell of my body telling me not to eat it, you'd at least have to take a bite, right? Or am I just insane... hard to tell this early in the morning....
"H" of "T&H" sends us arguably the worst attempt to lock a bicycle in the history of.. well.. bicycles....
I saw a bike locked to a parking meter once that I thought was pretty lame... but this wins the "Lamest Lockup" Award hands down... although wouldn't a wouldbe thief be too embarrassed to lift that sign up the requisite inch or so needed to abscond with the bike? I'd hope so....
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Loyal readers of TVGuy perhaps remember this encounter at a postal station just months ago... I hadn't been back to a post office since... but yesterday I needed to pick up some insured mail and reluctantly ventured once more into the world of stamps and... er... well, envelopes I guess... pretty boring place when you get right to it...
I’d just like to comment on a few things if I may…
1. Have you seen those little toys they sell there such as a mailbox? No, not a lifesize recreation like this one....
(Are these children practicing a felony here? I can't tell...)
But a 5 inch version that.. well, as far as I can tell does absolutely nothing at all...
That’s hours of fun for a kid, right? What child doesn’t dream of future postal mailbox fun? (Okay, The Unabomber.. but that's about it...)
2. They also had stuffed bears there wearing shirts that had pictures of stamps on them.
I'd like to make a pledge now to all of my friends that have decided to repopulate the species... I will never, ever give your child "Stampy The Bear" as a gift.
This I swear to you, on this day of our Lord, May 10th, 2008... so shall it be...
3. The lighting, wall art and general feeling of my post office always makes me feel like I’m going back in time… Interior Design not a strong suit of our Federal Government…. To confirm this, behind the counter there was a poster enticing you to purchase their “Autumnal Stamp Series”… unfortunately, the poster was from 1997… and I heard someone call someone else a “whippersnapper” there once… seriously, it’s like the Post Office from "Little House on the Prairie"…. there may have been cattle out back...
4. There were four counter areas where postal workers could have been helping customers… unfortunately only 1 of them was attended…marking the 1,923,456th consecutive day in which an American Post Office was not fully staffed…. Seriously, have you ever been to a Post Office when there were the maximum number of counters being utilized? Even during the Holidays?? Me either....
5. Each counter that was unattended had a sign on it that said “Window Closed”.
Look, I know what a window is (an opening in the wall of a building, the side of a vehicle, etc., for the admission of air or light, or both, commonly fitted with a frame in which are set movable sashes containing panes of glass) and this is a counter, not a window. There’s no glass, no walls, nada. At least a Ticket Window has glass and a little opening… this is just a counter. Nothing more. Nothing Less. That’s always bothered me…
6. I finally make my way through the line (I am now the only person left in line… and am called up to the “window” by a less than friendly woman who is clearly exhausted and tired of her job today, even though it’s not quite 9:30 a.m. yet… she tells me she’ll be with me in a minute and then begins to take the paper clips that had spilled out of a plastic container and onto her desk area back into the plastic container…
...one at a time.
Really.
Honest.
One. At. A. Time.
And there were like 5,024 paper clips on the counter… after a couple of minutes of watching her place 34 of the 5,024 paper clips back into the container I thought I’d help out by just adding a kindly comment…
TVGuy: You know, it might be faster if you swept them all at once with your hand…..
(when I got to the Post Office there were nine people in line... as always happens with me for reasons never fully explained by the universe when I get to the counter there is no one in line with me anymore... the line never "fills up behind me"... it happens to me virtually every time I get in a line and I can't explain why...
...my point here is... I'm the only one left to help in the room... maybe helping me with my postal needs THEN turning your localized insanity towards the Paper Clips of Doom might be the way to go here... unfortunately, "Irma" doesn't think so....)
Kindly Postal Officer: I'll just be a moment sir... (embarrassed somewhat by my attention to her problem, she redoubles her efforts by now placing two paper clips at a time into the plastic container... which is pretty remarkable when you think about it because she actually exactly "redoubled her efforts" from one to... well, two. Despite being thrilled by this occurrence, I'm still projecting her completing her paper clip assignment sometime in the year 2012... and as much as I'm enjoying hanging out with "Stampy The Bear" and friends, I've got other things to do... so I once again engage her in conversation hoping to break the spell of the disorganized metal office fasteners...)
TVGuy: I was just wondering why you call these “windows” and not “counters”? There isn’t any glass right?
Kindly Postal Officer: (puzzled) I’m sorry? (still working on the Paper Clips, but her concentration is beginning to wane... I.. well, "redouble my efforts"....)
TVGuy: That sign over there says “Window Closed”. That really isn’t a window, right? It’s just a counter…
Becoming Less Kindly Postal Officer: Umm… it’s actually like a Ticket Window… that’s what they mean…
TVGuy: Yeah, but you guys don’t even sell tickets! That makes it even weirder? Unless you can get me two for “Iron Man” for Friday Night at the Denver Pavillions...
Slightly Miffed Postal Officer: No. No I can't. Can I help you?
TVGuy: (the paper clip problem seems to have averted.. oh happy day! I quickly continue...) Why yes, yes you can… I have this receipt to pick up an insured letter!
Still Slightly Miffed Postal Officer: I need to see some ID please.
TVGuy: Certainly! Only too happy to oblige!
Now Miffed Postal Officer: (looks at ID for a portion of time that indicates she may feel I’m a member of the Taliban…) I’ll be right back.
TVGuy: Splendid! (she then goes into the Post Office "back room" where who knows what is going on... she may be feeding the cattle back there.. getting a snack... checking her email... but whatever it is she's gone for what feels like the better part of the next lunar cycle... okay, maybe it's more like 10 minutes.. but it's just one letter here folks.. how long can this possibly take? Then I remember the paper clips and wonder if I should order a pizza while I wait... )
(10 minutes later..)
Molasses-like Postal Officer: The letter isn't back there.
TVGuy: But this little piece of paper left my postman says it's here.. the cabinet behind you says "Insured" on it.. could it be in there?
Now Thoroughly Miffed Postal Officer: Let me check... hold on...
TVGuy: Splendid! (she turns and goes to the cabinet.. and what do you know.. there it is! The fact that I had to find my own letter in the post office makes me feel a little less than secure in the hiring practices of our Government...)
Embarrassed yet Miffed Postal Officer: Here you go. Is there anything else? (Said with an inflection that clearly meant "Get the Hell Out Of My Post Office So I Can Get Back To These Paper Clips in Peace"... but I wasn't done quite yet...)
TVGuy: Yes, there is. I see here that your Priority Mail packaging comes in "Three Great New Shapes"!! (their words, not mine) I see the 8x11 Box here... what are the other "Great New Shapes"? I work for a company that manufactures an object that is slightly rhombodal in nature...
Clearly Confused Postal Officer: (Not sure what to make of the word "rhombodal") Well, there is that box, then we have two larger boxes here...
TVGuy: Yes, but they are all Rectangles. I want to know what other Shapes you have. Like, could I mail a Frisbee? Do you have anything in an Oval Box?
Now Angry Postal Officer: No. All we have is these three boxes. Do you need one or not? (about to call security on me.. fortunately, I'm pretty sure the "security" here at my post office would be on horseback, so I like my chances of escape...)
TVGuy: I'm just saying, your sign says "3 Great New Shapes"... I think they mean "3 Great New Sizes"... don't you?? It's very misleading...
No matter, I'll just take my insured letter and leave.. I need to attach my receipt to my letter...
.... (giddily) do you have a paper clip I could borrow?
Seething Postal Officer: Yes. (hands me a paper clip with a reluctance never before measured in a humanoid... I think she would have rather handed me her life savings...)
Crazed Postal Officer: Have. A. Good. Day. (said with a voice that could only mean a good day for her would be if I stepped in a pool of lava at some point...)
Ladies and Gentleman, Your United States Post Office! Feel the Magic!
(I'll be sticking with e-mail for the foreseeable future....)
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Mailman: (handing Pete the mail) I hope you get jury duty.
Pete: I hope you're on trial....
--"Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place" (ABC)
Saturday, May 10, 2008
going postal, part two....
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
letters, we get letters...
Number 42 of my Fav 100 photos....
My first recording of lightning with my digital cam....
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The TVGuy Mailbag has filled up again so let's weed through some of the missives... as always, the following excerpts are from actual letters....
>>doofus... mozart doesn't paint. he composes music. duhhh.
--anonymous @blogger.com
TVGuy: In a blog entry a few weeks back I said something to the effect of "it's like watching Mozart paint..."
It's little known that in addition to his visionary musical gifts, Mozart was also a gifted painter... freely utilizing disciplines from Expressionism, Cubism and Surrealism to blend either of the aesthetic values followed in choosing what to paint (and how) or to the physical techniques employed by... er... umm... painting... uh...
Okay, I screwed up. I admit it. I've gone back and fixed it... I'm sorry.
Clearly my editorial staff had their heads somewhere else that day... for that, I apologize... everything here at TVGuy can't be perfect... you know, like Beethoven when he sculpted those amazing Baroque statues or when Einstein invented the automobile...
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>>I heard a woman the other day describe her red wine as "thoughtful yet divine." Seriously. I almost slapped her.
--ka*** @earth****.***
TVGuy: That is outstanding... I don't really get the whole insanity of pairing strange words with wines...
For example, this was taken out of an email I got from a wine store the other day...
2006 URBAN UCO - SAUVIGNON BLANC, UCO VALLEY, ARGENTINA
Crunchy? Minerally?!? You've got to be kidding me....
However, this blog entry so far is slightly oaky with a buttery finish that is both complex and childlike....
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>>I hope you acknowledge this message as soon as possible.
I'm presently out of state for a personal business, Unfortunately for me i misplaced my wallet that contact my ATM and other Cards at the hotel where i lodged, I am so confused right now, I dont know what to do or where to go,I didn't bring my phone here, I have access to only emails, i'm totally stranded have no penny with me, can you please send me $2000 today so i can return home, As soon as I get home i would refund it immediately. Write me so i can let you know how to send it. keep this to yourself only, please ! cos i wont want anyone to know about my traveling for some personal reasons!!.
Thanks.
--1marc******* @coloradofilm.***
TVGuy: I received this message supposedly from a friend of mine... but as you can see it's clearly a SPAM attempt at getting money from me... I would have fallen for it except for...
1. My friend apparently can access the internet despite being "stranded"... I guess the option of "borrowing a phone" isn't available...
2. She needs $2000 to get home because clearly she is visiting our secret Lunar Base on the Dark Side of the Moon... couldn't you circumnavigate the globe for $2,000?
3. My intelligent college-educated friend apparently has forgotten how to spell, use punctuation or form cohesive sentences all at the same time....
4. I'm not an idiot...
...I guess what happened was her address book online had been hijacked by someone and all of her friends received this message. Fortunately no one was dumb enough to send any money to anyone...
But of course I took some time to write back... because I'm.. well... me....
Date: April 6, 2008
Re: Marcia / Hotel
From: TVGuy
Dear Marcia, That is terrible! How did this happen? Please let me know immediately how I can help! Urgently awaiting your swift reply!
Love,
TVGuy
Not an hour later I received this missive....
Hi Gregory, Thanks for responding asap, i'm sorry i cant give you a call for now cos i have no access to phone right here in the hotel, i have been restricted from many facilities, Kindly send the money to me as soon as you can, You can have it sent right now using your credit card to make the payment online from the western union website or go to any western union outlet to send it.
Umm... you've been restricted from "using the phone"? Are you in prison?
I'm just happy I can use my credit card to make the payment so swiftly!!
Thankfully I received instructions on how to do this....
Receivers Details: Name: Marcia M****** Add: 28 London Street, Paddington, London. W2 1HH, London. United Kingdom After sending the money please send me the following money transfer details as been used for the transaction so that i can receive it today and make plan of coming back with the next available flight.
I'll be sure to do that, you know.. so you can "make plan".
1. Senders Name:
2. Senders Add:
3. Money Transfer Control Number (MTCN):
4. Amount paid/Currency:
5. Receivers name:
6. Text Question:
7. Answer:
Wow, it's like my friend has had this happen to her before! Everything is so neat and organized! I'm surprised she was able to access the internet what with her being "restricted" and all....
Thank you very much and i will look forward to receive the money transfer details, meanwhile dont forget to keep this matter confidential until i return.
Confidential? You mean, don't place it on my personal blog so everyone on Earth could access it? You bet! I'd never do that!!!!
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>>Just read your Fitness entry this morning and judging from my calendar you should be done with "Phase One" by now, right? How much weight did you end up losing? Or did you fall off the wagon?
--cha***** @*****.com
TVGuy: Oh ye of little faith.....
Here were the final results from my first 12 weeks... which ended last Sunday....
Just going by the averages I lost about 16 pounds but it's actually closer to 22 if you take the absolute high to absolute low... very happy with my results... taking a week off to let my body rest and also to enjoy some foods I've been skipping the past three months... then another 10 weeks await in "Phase 2".... going to up my caloric intake this time a bit so I don't lose so much... 194 pounds I think will be my end goal... need to add some muscle though....
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And then another friend wrote me and said her email address book had been compromised... this time, by the good folks at "honestestseller .com"....
>>We are a large electronics product sssale company that locates in China. Our vision is to grow and expand the market to share with our customers. We treasure a long term business partnership. Quality and prestige are the most important for us.We mainly sell our products to those countries: USA, UK, Germany, Italy, Sweden, France, Canada, Australia, South American, etc.
--test*** @honestestseller.com
TVGuy: Well, that's "sssuper"... I "locate" in the U.S.! And it looks like from your list, you basically sell your products to... well.. Earth. (Well, except for the continent of "South American"...)
Oh, one more thing... I assume "HonestSeller.com" was taken already, but "Honestestseller.com"?? Really? That's just one of the Stupidestestest things I've ever seen...
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>>Did you see this?
--jw**** @the***.tv
TVGuy: No, I hadn't... that is pretty remarkable.. Could you imagine being on the other side of the interstate and seeing that truck come towards you? Yikes! (I also like how FOX helpfully put "Highway Horror" in a little graphic in the corner in the beginning.. you know.. because they just care...)
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>>Worst Website ever? You click on a number and it shows you............... the number. Thanks!
--cd******* @the***.tv
TVGuy: I admit, that is horrible... I just don't see the point of it at all... but as long as this website continues to plague the internet, the title of "Worst Website Ever" is secure....
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>>Patrick Duffy to host Bingo America! Please let me know if you are interested in participating in a bloggers call with Patrick, date TBD.
--JDe***** @**prgroup.com
TVGuy: Okay, I'll let you know if I'm ever interested... date WHFO. (When Hell Freezes Over)
I'd often wondered what was more boring to do as a human being than play Bingo... and now we have a new contender...... talking about playing Bingo!
(And Bing-o was his name-o!)
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>>AUSTIN, Minnesota (CNN) -- A mysterious nerve disorder that hit some slaughterhouse employees with debilitating symptoms apparently was caused by inhaling a fine mist of pig brain tissue. While eating pig brains isn't dangerous, inhaling fumes from particles of pig brain matter can be, scientists say.
Just.... Yuck.
--Ja********* @******.com
TVGuy: Well, as I understand it... It's the harvesting method, called "blowing brains," that posed the health risk. In the procedure, high blasts of compressed air were shot into the head cavity to remove the brains. Sometimes the liquid combined with brain tissue and turned into a mist.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go violently throw up....
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>>Greg,
Lets just get one thing straight. Silence of the Lambs is the best movie there ever was. Plain and simple. No arguing whatsoever. No acting ever ever was better than Mister Hopkins was in the film. You know and everyone knows it. You and me and your great Aunt Tillie will have to wait a long long time until we see better. I will tell you one thing - I can not wait until someone comes along and does better acting. I can hardly even imagine how anyone could be. Absolutely astonishing. Jodie was excellent too. And as Lily Tomlin would say - And that's the truth.
One thing I will agree with you is that Jodie's acting in Contact was the best that she ever did. Very definitely.
I think you have a great first name.
Greg
--saveanchorbeams @***.com
TVGuy: I think it's terrific that our nation's leading mental institutions allow internet access for all of their patients... the fact that they are writing me falls under the category of... "not so terrific"...
The police will probably find my body in a pork processing plant intertwined with some Pig Brain Mist...
(Sorry, I just wanted to type "Pig Brain Mist" one more time....but at least you can be comforted in the fact that we've pretty much hit rock bottom with "Disgusting Emails About Pork Products" for the rest of the mailbag....)
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>>Creepy...
--TVGal @******.com
TVGuy: Then again....
________________________
Les: And, in fact, there are many examples in history of hogs replacing horses. In the ninteenth century, an Englishman trained swine and drove four in hand through London with these curious steeds. Altogether with its potentialism repressed as it ordinarily is, the pig is a veritable Pandora's Box of exciting possibilities. This has been Les Nessman with a wrap-up of today's major news stories...
--"WKRP in Cincinnati" (CBS)
Monday, May 05, 2008
Bad Movie Monday - Live from the TVGuy Mansion!
My 43rd Favorite picture out of my Top 100 is...
A nice Autumn day in Guanella Pass....
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Happy Cinco de Mayo (it's not the Mexican "Fourth of July" by the way... that would be September 16th...)
What better way to celebrate this happy day than our first ever Live Running Diary here at TVGuy...
The Date: May 5, 2008
The Time: 11:45 a.m.
The Event: Bad Movie Monday Double Feature
The Place: TVGuy Mansion
The Participants: TVGuy, TV's Matt and "James From Work"
11:45am: My first attempt at a Live Diary of an event... who knows how it will turn out? Who knows if we can survive these films? A coin flip will decide the order... and as always, a shoutout to TV's Ty, who along with myself began the tradition of Bad Movie Monday years ago and whose spirit, determination and perseverance allowed us to survive the worst BMM of all time.. the twin bill of "Gigli" and "From Justin to Kelly"... a double feature that has never been topped since in sheer punishing awfulness... will today's exceed it? Only one way to find out... time for the coin flip....
11:55am: But wait... we have a Special Guest Star! Yes, it's... er... well, "Special Guest Star Ernie!" making a surprise appearance... obviously the free food has drawn him in... on the menu... chicken enchiladas, spicy black beans, turmeric rice (yellow rice) and taquitos with salsa... yes, it's Cinco de Mayo even inside the walls of TVGuy mansion... so we'll chow down first then hit the first film running... which is....
12:22pm: I Know Who Killed Me! (with Lindsay Lohan!)
12:23pm: And we begin... the FBI "You Can't Duplicate This Movie Under Any Circumstances" warning is greeted with derision....
Special Guest Star Ernie: Why is that even there?
James From Work: Wouldn't they want to encourage illegal duplication? Please watch this movie!
12:25pm: Oh god... starting out early with Lindsay on the stripper pole...
TV's Matt: That is the most clothes I've ever seen on a stripper...
Special Guest Star Ernie: Do they credit her twice since she's playing twins?
...later that minute...
James From Work: I'm going to get this on Itunes when I get home...
Special Guest Star Ernie: I'll just hum the songs for you....
12:29pm: it's horrible to be sure...
(Lindsay is at a school reading something to a class about.. er.. really, do you care?)
TVGuy: What the hell is she wearing?
Special Guest Star Ernie: Ah, beauty AND brains!
James From Work: It's from the JCPenney Stripper collection....
12:31pm: Lindsay Lohan's cat makes an appearance... well, we think it's a cat..
Special Guest Star Ernie: Is that a hemmoroid?
TV's Matt: I think that's Dr. Evil's cat...
James From Work: Ick.
12:33pm: Honestly, what is this movie even about? Some guy just gave her a blue rose... "from some place on the street"...
12:35pm: Something about Full Metacarpal removal... so her fingers get cut off?
12:37pm: Hey, it's a woodchipper!
TV's Matt: Wow, nothing can go wrong with a woodchipper on screen...
James From Work: My neighbor's arm got cut off in a woodchipper...
(we pause the movie now for James to explain himself....)
12:44pm: we've just seen the woodchipper guy take off his shirt and Lindsay flips him off, then we're at a football game. Honestly, I've never been more confused in my life...
12:45pm: She says she'll be meeting someone at 11:45pm...
TV's Matt: 11:45pm?
TVGuy: That's awfully specific.. what, 11:51:30pm was taken?
Special Guest Star Ernie: You said you'd be here at 11:45pm!! It's 11:46pm!!!!!!!!! Where have you been??
(they run to her car..)
James From Work: OH MY GOD! She's got a speeding ticket!!
12:47pm: Some Guy in movie: I'm sorry Bob, we're going to have to take that computer and duplicate the hard drive...
TV's Matt: Can I erase the porn first? No? Okay...
12:48pm: Everything is blue in this movie... except for her fingers which are being burned off by a psychopath with dry ice... Citizen Kane 2 this isn't....
12:50pm: We've decided that every time there is a new blue object in the film (4,123 items so far and counting) we'll be taking a drink... I expect us all to be passed out in ten minutes... TV's Matt is "feeling blue" so he just took two drinks...
12:52pm:
James From Work: What are the odds that the end of this movie ends with "It's all a dream"...
Special Guest Star Ernie: She wakes up at 11:44pm... my god, it's almost 11:45pm!! Help me!!
We spend two minutes trying to guess the end of the film... none of even have an idea what the hell is going on... so we're unsuccessful.... in an unrelated note, TVCat just left the room angrily...
1:01pm: Lindsay is in a hospital bed, missing her hand and her foot... at least there is less of her to hate now....
More blue stuff...
James From Work: This film is filmed in Smurf-o-vision...
TV's Matt: Hey, how about a high five..er.. sorry...
1:07pm: Does anyone remember when Lindsay Lohan was considered attractive? Because this movie is doing its damn best to bury that idea... forever...
1:08pm: And she can't act either. At all. But TVCat is back... and the hand and foot being cut off just isn't getting old...
James From Work: I can't wait to get up and walk up out of...er...
Special Guest Star Ernie: Hey, I got new shoes... half off! er...
1:10pm: Worst line ever... Lindsay: "Do I look like I'm in a fucking coma?" I'd say no, since you're... well... TALKING....
1:12pm: I offer one dollar to the group to whoever figures out what's going on...
1:14pm: And she's stripping... TV's Matt thinks she has "Stunt Nipples"....
1:15pm: the Britney, Lindsay and Hannah Montana comparisons have begun... TV's Matt said Britney's pictures last year looked like Benny Hill in a bra...
1:16pm: Worst. Strip. Club. Ever.
Special Guest Star Ernie: I'll tell you what... the best way to show a provocative stripper is to focus on her forehead, I'll be honest with you....
James From Work: This is the most provocative strip club ever... on a fishing pier?? (they are on a pier for reasons passing understanding...)
1:23pm: No one has any idea what is going on... seriously.. none of us... this movie is "Gigliesque"...
1:25pm: Wait, we've figured it out... It's The Blue Man Group!! They're behind everything!!
1:27pm: Hey, it's the Crabman from "My Name is Earl"... wearing a yellow jacket from the Century 21 collection....
1:29pm: Wow, they have shown her arm and leg missing about 2,313 times... just because they guy who is doing special effects is really good at erasing her real one... and.. er... god, I'm losing the will to live...
1:31pm: Oh no, they're going to have sex... please no... stop it...
1:32pm: The number of missing hand and foot jokes have now reached around 40,000... I can't possibly keep up... I need a court stenographer... stat...
1:33pm: TV's Matt: What the Fuck is Going On?
That sums it up pretty well....
1:34pm: Special Guest Star Ernie: The end of the movie will be someone who comes on screen and laughs at us and says "I can't believe you watched this movie!"
At this point I'd give that 2-1 odds...
1:39pm: Special Guest Star Ernie: Is this film the reason Heath Ledger killed himself?
TVGuy: No, but this is the reason I'm going to kill myself....
1:45pm: Let's let Glenn Kenny from Premiere Magazine chime in on this film...
I can't say I was too surprised by how risible, grotesque, and incoherent I Know Who Killed Me is. But I can't say I was prepared for its pretentiousness. If the picture has any use at all, it's as a case study in what happens when the talentless attempt to emulate the inspired.
He's being kind...
1:46pm: She's surfing the web... on a search engine page...
TV's Matt: Could she type in "what the hell is going on"?
James From Work: I think her words per minute have been cut in half...
Special Guest Star Ernie: Ask Jeeves about "Stigmata!"
1:48pm: I went to college, I've seen thousands of movies... but I honestly have absolutely no idea what is going on... None. But TV's Matt brought giant Toll House Cookies so things are looking up....
1:54pm: James From Work: At the end of the movie, they'll be a credit that reads "I still know who killed me..." Coming Summer 2009...
I have to say even I wouldn't watch that film....
1:55pm: We're an hour and 20 minutes in... if there is a benevolent God, we'll be wrapping up Movie One anytime now...
1:57pm: Okay, she pours blue liquid on her finger that's been cut off, then drinks out of the same bottle, then begins sewing her dead finger back on her hand....
Nope, there is no way I made up anything in that last sentence.....
2:00pm: A little disappointed the Woodchipper didn't have a bigger role in this...
2:02pm: Lindsay just said "I know who killed me"... she honestly just said the title of the film... cackling ensued from the group... I can't tell you how funny that was... wow...
2:04pm: While Special Guest Star Ernie goes to the little boy's room, the rest of the group decides that we'll turn off the TV and pretend that the film's over...
Ernie walks out of the bathroom....
TVGuy: Wow, I can't believe Dustin Hoffman was in the movie for 10 seconds then it ended...
James From Work: And that thing with the Fetus?
TV's Matt: And the Siamese Twins!
TVGuy: Seriously, how much did they have to pay Dustin Hoffman to be in that movie?
(Ernie believes everything we say... we give up eventually and resume the film much to Ernie's chagrin...)
2:12pm: By the way, no one has won the dollar... this movie is crazy screwed up... and now Lindsay is being attacked by the Blue Man Group...
2:15pm: So the piano teacher is revealed as the villain... we think.... it's not really that important is it?
2:16pm: She just killed the piano teacher... isn't that great?
2:18pm: We're actually talking about the second film and how it won't be as bad as this... we're clearly insane now...
2:23pm: And the movie's over! And she is lying next to her twin in a grave and...er... I don't honestly know...
2:25pm:
Ratings (out of 100)
TV's Matt: 07 (good job with prostethtics)
James From Work: 09 (it makes him want more... we don't understand either...)
Special Guest Star Ernie: 45 (he had a great time watching it with us... but if he had been alone, it would have got a 1.)
TVGuy: 01 (it was in color...)
and now, film 2... yes, it's "Alien vs. Predator 2"... heavy, heavy sigh...
2:30pm: Special Guest Star Ernie wishes to change his number for the first film... to "11.45".. too late... 45 it is...
2:32pm: An Alien just broke out of the chest of a Predator...
TV's Matt: It's a Hybrid!
James From Work: It's a Prius!
2:34pm: Ah, a little kid hunting with his father about to kill a small deer... ugh... fortunately the alien's ship has just crashlanded nearby... I'm pretty weak from the last film to tell you the truth...
2:36pm: And the alien facehugger jumps on the dad... and the kid!
Special Guest Star Ernie: I know who killed me!!!
2:44pm: Hey, the pizza delivery guy says it's 56 bucks for the four pizzas... that's pricey, right?
2:45pm: and the two aliens burst out of the chests of the deerhunters... you don't really see a kid killed that violently in a film that often...
2:46pm: They are trying to build some sort of character backstory with our supporting cast... but dear God I don't care at all... the fact that the Aliens and Predators are on current day Earth is so retarded that I am speechless...
2:47pm: Special Guest Star Ernie asks how many will die in this film?
TVGuy: 13
TV's Matt: 37
James From Work: 19
Special Guest Star Ernie: 27
5 so far are no longer within us...
3:04pm: And 6 are now dead... this movie is so unbelievably boring.. and yet still 84 times better than the last film... I'm asked to look up the credits for the Director of "I know who killed me"...
and it turns out he's directed very little.. but most notably "All Cheerleaders Die"... that's all you need to know...
3:07pm: We were going to have a drinking game for this film whenever anything was "dark" but we'd all be dead now if we'd decided that...
3:09pm: They are still talking about the Woodchipper from the last film... I'm in hell....
3:10pm: And we're up to 7!
3:11pm: And now 8!! They're dropping like flies...
3:12pm: I've decided to give the dollar to the winner of this contest.. and number 9 just went down!!
3:13pm: the hot blonde girl in the pool room at night is now wearing less clothes than Lindsey Lohan in the last film.. and she was a stripper!!!
3:14pm: James From Work just was talking about Cher and "Dancing with the Stars"... I don't have the energy to transcribe it...
3:15pm: 10 are dead!!
3:16pm: 11! They're going down like sweet muffins!
3:17pm: and now there are 12... my "13" is looking woefully anemic at this point...
3:18pm: This movie is... wow, they just blew someone's head off... they are definately spending money on effects here.. and we're at 13...
3:20pm: By the way, this movie has an alien that is referred to as "Alien"... that's lazy, right? Although "Predator" is also lazy.... do these species have names? What's next, "Arthropod Vs. Opposible Thumb Guy"!!
3:21pm: We're up to 15... wow...
3:22pm: Geez.. 18 dead... the "fake blood" budget for this film was pretty high... and even though 18 are dead, I couldn't have been more bored by any of their sacrifices... I'm begging you Hollywood... stop making these films...
3:23pm: 19 are no longer with us... wait, the alien is threatening a pregnant woman!! And it just put two embryos down her throat.. but is that one dead or two???? Wow, who knew that the Right-For-Life crowd would have a say in this...
3:25pm: God, 24 are dead now... dropping like flies.. wait, 25...
3:30pm: This is one horribly violent film...
3:31pm: A character just said "That's crazy... the Government doesn't lie to people!!" Ah, the irony....
3:38pm: I'm. Bored.
3:43pm: This film is at least competently made... but it's pretty sucky nonetheless....
3:45pm: I'd like to see "Iron Man" soon.. just wanted to put that out there...
3:48pm: 26 are dead!!!
3:50pm: 27 died in a seriously creative and cool way.. and wait, 28! No, wait.. false alarm.. 27 it is...
3:52pm: by the way.. .this single Predator guy has killed about 19 aliens... so they're lame, even though their blood is made of acid...
3:54pm: 27 still dead..
3:56pm: Well, they just dropped a nuclear warhead on the city... so the final number is about 18,093... no one is winning...
3:59pm: our thoughts turn to our next Bad Movie Monday.. what are our choices? "Baby Geniuses 2"? "Master of Disguisey"?
4:01pm: Directed by "The Brothers Strause"!! It took two people to do this?
Final score for this one...
(Rating out of 100)
TV's Matt: 38
Special Guest Star Ernie: 15
James At Work: 26
TVGuy: 24
We'll see ya later...
___________________
Ripley: These people are here to protect you. They're soldiers.
Newt: It won't make any difference....
--"Aliens" (1986)
Friday, May 02, 2008
sharks and leopards and bears oh my...
Number 44 of my favorite 100 photos I've taken...
A shot near our house of downtown Denver during Sunrise... I like the "hole" that appears in one of the buildings.... even though I don't really know what caused that effect... Invesco Field is on the right...
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I got a few emails about our header up top on the blog so I thought I'd explain Monday's Live Running Diary...
We are watching two horrific films back-to-back and commenting on them as we watch them.. which means the blog will be added to every few minutes... will it be entertaining? Who the hell knows... but if you're at work and need time to kill, stop in every so often on Monday and join us as we suffer through two just brutal films and mock them and ourselves for watching them... at least the food and drink will be good... and afterwards I get to go watch my beloved Cardinals play the Rockies that evening at Coors Field.. so as days go, this one won't suck...
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This logo was on a t-shirt the other day that made me laugh incredibly hard... I hope you enjoy it as much as I did...
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Since it's the beginning of Summer Movie Season today I've decided to bring back our look at new releases on Fridays.... and the first "Summer Movie" looks to be especially promising....
New in Theaters This Week
>>"Iron Man" (Robert Downey, Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow); A superhero movie that looks pretty good to me judging from the commercials etc... and the critics are especially kind so far... this will be the first movie I've gone to a theater to see in quite awhile.. but I'll wait til a Monday late show to catch it and avoid the billions of kids there this weekend....
Rating (out of 100)
Rotten Tomatoes: 95
Metacritic: 80
>>"Made of Honor" (Patrick Dempsey, Bridget Monaghan); wow.. this movie looks terrible! I'm not even sure I'd see this on a Bad Movie Monday event here at the Mansion... and yet, bad romantic comedies seem to end up in our Netflix queue and TVGal and I start to watch them and then for the 90 minutes or so the film unspools in front of our eyes we both silently pray the other person will ask to stop the movie but we never do and then after it's over we both hate ourselves....
...just sayin....
Rating (out of 100)
Rotten Tomatoes: 07
Metacritic: 37
New on DVD This Week
>>"The Golden Compass" (Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig); It's a fantasy movie based on a series of well-liked children's books... yeah, hardly any of those films around lately...
This got me thinking though... I've not seen the 2nd or 3rd "Pirates of the Caribbean" films, Parts 2 and 3 of the "Shrek" Trilogy... the "Narnia" film... or the last "Harry Potter" movie... I've really been a bit of a slacker the past couple of years as it turns out when it comes to big blockbustery moviemaking....
Rating (out of 100)
Rotten Tomatoes: 42
Metacritic: 47
>>"27 Dresses" (Katherine Heigl, James Marsden); I'm sure I could predict every single event that happens in this film before it does.. but maybe it won't be as bad I think... maybe....
Rating (out of 100)
Rotten Tomatoes: 39
Metacritic: 51
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A tour through the Animal Kingdom here today at TVGuy....
First up.. Sharks!
There have been a few Great White Shark attacks in the news recently.... and these helpful hints from Slate.com were on their site the other day... I swear I'm not making these up....
Slate.com: Shark attack experts suggest punching a shark only as a last resort.
TVGuy: How does one get to be a "shark attack expert" by the way? Is there a school for this? I'm guessing that's a pretty crappy Internship, no?
(early one morning at Bob's "Shark World"....)
Teacher: Okay, now get in the Shark Tank...
Intern: Umm.. I don't think so...
Teacher: Trust me, that shark won't bother you in the least...
Intern: Really?
Teacher: Of course.. I'm an "expert"...
Intern: Well.. if you say it's okay.. (lowers self down ladder into tank)
Shark: Yes! Another one! (swims eagerly towards ladder)
Intern: Oh my god, it's coming towards me!
Teacher: Just make sure you punch it in the snout!
Intern: AAAIIEEEE! GlubglubaaieeeArrrghGlub
Shark: Delicious! I love "Intern Week"!
Teacher: Wow... she wasn't very good... hmm... where did I put that mop?
Shark: Munchmunchmunch
(Sorry.. where were we again?)
Slate.com: Rapid retreat tends to be a better plan.
TVGuy: Look, I'm pretty sure the shark is going to be a hell of a lot more "rapid" than me... you know... IN THE FREAKIN' WATER WHERE IT LIVES AND SWIMS REALLY FAST WITH ITS GIANT FINS AND TAIL AND CAN MOVE ABOUT EIGHT THOUSAND TIMES FASTER THAN I CAN YOU KNOW?!?
Slate.com: It won't help to play dead if a shark has you cornered.
TVGuy: "Cornered"? In the ocean??! Is this a Square Ocean? Are there Right Angles in the Pacific?
Slate.com: Instead, a smack to the face or snout - where sharks, like humans, have a high concentration of sensory receptors - can stun your attacker and give you enough time to escape.
TVGuy: This sounds like advice from someone who really hasn't been around.. you know.. an actual shark.... maybe I could yell at it... or wave my hands really fast in a threatening manner.. or talk in a deep, scary voice.... are sharks ticklish? Is that a strategy I could employ? What about hypnosis?!
But the best advice was this....
Slate.com: When a shark has you in its jaws, try poking at its eyes or gills...
TVGuy: Wow.. that's kind of like the airlines telling you in the event of cabin decompression to calmly and carefully place that Parkay Margarine Cup with the rubber band attached over your mouth slowly and calmly as your plane spirals hopelessly into the ground at about 900 miles per hour... as if you could do anything "calmly" at that point...
If you are in the jaws of a shark, WOULD YOU CALMLY "TRY" POKING AT ITS EYES?
Of course not! It would be about the worst experience you could face as a human being.. would you be able to take even one second and think about your surroundings?!? No!!! You're in the jaws of a giant white shark that is about to cut you in half... could you possibly act rationally at this time?
In fact that might have been the most ridiculous yet horrifying sentence ever written... "when a shark has you in its jaws"... I mean, honestly? What's worse than that?
"Hmm.. this is quite a predicament I find myself in... what did that helpful internet article say to do again? Let's see...."
Helpful advice?
No.
Advice for these scenarios is just ridiculous...
"If you're on fire, try to find water!"
Please...
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Next up: Leopards!
My friend Adam at work had some Leopard Trivia to share yesterday.... (don't ask.. I didn't...)
Apparently, the Leopard not only kills its prey, but then drags the carcass up to the top of a tree where it keeps it to snack on later...
Which is just an awful mental image and I wish I'd never thought of seeing a tree filled with Leopard snacks... but I also found out later that Leopards are pretty much the only other animal other than man to kill for sport.
Unfortunately, this was the example on the website I was perusing....
Just to put that into perspective, imagine Mike Tyson carrying another Tyson up a tree holding on only with his teeth....
yep, just wanted to share that thought with you....
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This leaves us with our friends, the Bears...
This headline was furnished to me by my coworker LDL last week...
"Bear in Deadly Attack Gave No Warning"
That is awesome! What warning would the bear normally give?
Bear: "Umm.. excuse me... but I'm just really sick and tired of you patronizing me with your tiny fish that you parcel out as treats when I do something you want and I've been thinking about ripping your throat out with my teeth and frolicking in your blood.... how's that sound there My Fleshy Human Prey??"
or maybe just "Roarrrrr"... or "Grrrrr"... do bears say "Grrrrr"? Hmmm... probably not...
Either way... why would it give a warning? People... it's a Freakin' Bear!
Here with more is the good folks from your Associated Press...
BIG BEAR LAKE, Calif. (AP) -- The grizzly bear that wrestled Will Ferrell's character in the recent film "Semi-Pro" seemed to obediently follow cues which made its killing of its trainer with a bite to the neck all the more stunning.
TVGuy: It was a famous bear to boot.. which makes this all the more sad... yet another troubled celebrity... first Britney, now this....
Three experienced handlers were working with the grizzly Tuesday at the Predators in Action wild animal training center when the bear attacked Stephan Miller, 39, said San Bernardino County sheriff's spokeswoman Cindy Beavers.
TVGuy: Now that's a great name.. "Cindy Beavers"... wow... how many jokes has she heard in her lifetime? Is that her maiden name? She couldn't have married into the Beaver family, could she? No way you're changing your name to Cindy Beavers...
Stephan Miller is the cousin of training center owner Randy Miller, she said.
TVGuy: It's never the management that suffers.. always the employees....
Pepper spray was used to subdue and contain the bear, and there were no other injuries, Beavers said. Paramedics arriving shortly after the initial emergency call around 3 p.m. were unable to revive Stephan Miller.
TVGuy: I think "having throat ripped out violently by giant bear" pretty much is all the injury we need to dwell on here...
The state Department of Fish and Game and Occupational Safety and Health Administration were investigating the incident.
TVGuy: That's a lot of responsibilities for just one Department... I mean, they've got to worry about Fish, Game, Safety and Health?!? That is one full plate for those folks... Heck, I'm happy if a state-run agency can just remember to fill potholes from time to time....
Fish and game spokesman Harry Morse told the San Bernardino Sun Tuesday his department would not decide whether the bear will be euthanized because the attack occurred outside its jurisdiction during a training session on facility grounds. Morse speculated that the county animal care officials may decide the bear's fate. A call placed early Wednesday to the county's Animal Care and Control Program was not answered.
TVGuy: Um, "decide the bear's fate"? We're all agreed on killing this animal here, right? No one is trotting out the defense "well, he was just having a bad day.. you know how bears can be don't you?" ... right?!?
Sheriff's Sgt. Dave Phelps said the bear was a 5-year-old male named Rocky. The Predators in Action Web site said Rocky is 7 1/2 feet tall and weighs 700 pounds.
TVGuy: "Predators in Action"?!? Yikes... I guess it's my duty to head over there and check it out...
Wow, there are a lot of photos... and I found some of "Rocky"...
Kind of like Rocky's "Glamour Shot" I guess....
"Rocky the Bear" meets "Bob the Snack"...
The site, which was off-line early Wednesday due to overtaxed bandwidth, identified Rocky as the animal that appeared with Ferrell's character in the scene from "Semi-Pro." Randy Miller doubled for Ferrell in the bear wrestling match, according to the site.
TVGuy: Again, if you are "wrestling a bear" for a living.. well, your High School Guidance Counselor failed you in ways that I can't possibly break down here....
Calls seeking comment from Randy Miller were not immediately returned Tuesday evening.
TVGuy: Well, there was "throat" all over the floor that needed cleaning up... who would expect him to have time to answer the phone?
The center, located in the San Bernardino Mountains east of Los Angeles, has two grizzlies, and also trains lions, tigers, leopards, cougars and wolves for uses ranging from film and TV to advertising and education.
TVGuy: I'd shore up the "education" part of the center, but that's just me....
In a February interview, Randy Miller called Rocky "the best working bear in the business," the San Bernardino Sun reported on its Web site Wednesday. But, the paper quoted him as saying, "If one of these animals gets a hold of your throat, you're finished."
TVGuy: "If one of these animals gets a hold of your throat, you're finished" narrowly surpasses "If a shark has you in its jaws..." for 2008's "Worst Sentence Ever" Award...
Randy Miller has 25 years of experience training animals and his facility has had a perfect safety record, according to the site.
TVGuy: "Had" is obviously the key word in that sentence...
Randy Miller won a World Stunt Academy Award for his work wrestling tigers in the 2000 blockbuster "Gladiator" and performed stunts with his animals in films like "The Postman," "The Island of Dr. Moreau," and "The Last Samurai." He also helped recreate animal attacks for National Geographic documentaries and the Discovery Channel.
TVGuy: In the future, if your resume has "The Gladiator" on it you may want to leave off "The Postman".... just trying to be helpful here...
It was not immediately known how long Rocky has been at the facility.
TVGuy: I can guess how long he'll be at the facility from this point forward... my money's on "Not Long"...
The attack prompted actress Virginia McKenna, founder of the international wildlife charity Born Free, to call for the entertainment industry to stop using wild animals. "The movie industry urgently needs to use its technological and creative imagination to put an end to the use of live wild animals in commercials and movies," McKenna, who starred in the 1966 wildlife film "Born Free," said in a printed release. "Hollywood is a dream factory ‚ this time the dream has become a nightmare."
TVGuy: Hey Virginia... shut the hell up why don't you... from all of us here at TVGuy... thanks...
Denise Richards, who works with wild animals at Moonridge Zoo, a sanctuary for injured and homeless wildlife in nearby Big Bear Lake, said trained animals that turn on their handlers are often destroyed. "You can train them and use as many safety precautions as you can, but you're still taking a chance if you're putting yourself in contact with them," Richards said. "It's still a wild animal. Even though it may appear that the bear attacked for no reason, there was a reason. I'm sure Randy understands why it happened. They're not cold-blooded killers."
TVGuy: Actually, I'm pretty sure that "Rocky" just saw the handler by a different name... "Lunch".... again, It's a Freakin' Bear!!
Native grizzly bears are extinct in California.
TVGuy: I can't imagine why....
_______________________
Mandy: I was thinking that it would be a good idea, as a symbol to signal how serious we are about our relationship with China, if we asked them for another bear.
Toby: I think it would be a good idea as a symbol to signal that China is serious about their relationship with us if they stop running over their citizens with tanks.
--"The West Wing" (NBC)
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
no, thank You....
Number 45 of my favorite 100 photos...
This was at the Botanic Gardens Xmas Display... just rotated my camera on the tripod during a long exposure and this was the result... I like it quite a bit...
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Your weekly Nielsen ratings ensue...
Rank / Show / Network / Viewers (in millions)
1. "American Idol" (Tuesday), Fox, 24.74
2. "American Idol" (Wednesday), Fox, 23.2
3. "Dancing with the Stars" (Monday), ABC, 18.04
4. "Dancing with the Stars" (Tuesday), ABC, 17.97
5. "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," CBS, 17.02
6. "Grey's Anatomy," ABC, 16.37
7. "Desperate Housewives," ABC, 16.35
8. "CSI: Miami," CBS, 14.38
9. "NCIS," CBS, 14.24
10. "Without a Trace," CBS, 13.47
11. "Two and a Half Men," CBS, 13.36
12. "Survivor: Micronesia," CBS, 12.9
13. "Law & Order," NBC, 12.75
14. "Lost," ABC, 12.08
15. "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," ABC, 12.07
16. "Law & Order: Special Victim's Unit," NBC, 11.64
17. "Cold Case," CBS, 11.62
18. "Brothers and Sisters," ABC, 11.19
19. "Hell's Kitchen," Fox, 10.98
20. "Rules of Engagement," CBS, 10.57
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I got this email the other day from... well, someone... I honestly don't remember now... but it was one of those form emails that you get from time to time... titled "Special Thanks".... but it was presented as an original work... after a quick Google search I surmised that wasn't the case... but I'd like to take a crack at each statement in the email if I could....
Email: I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year...
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Email: Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
Huh?
Ah, the whole germ thing... yeah, I get that... and after kinda watching coworkers' hand washing habits the last few months... yikes... but I open the door without a paper towel anyway... next!
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Email: I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
TVGuy: Umm... that thought had never occurred to me.. I'm going to just assume they aren't masturbating with the remote, and never think about this again....
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Email: I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed...
TVGuy: Sorry, but I have faith in the fact that the hotel uses.. you know, hot water... in washing the linens here...
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Email: I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking their nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
Email: Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years...
Look, as a kid I ate fast food more times than I care to think about... and well into my twenties fried food was a large part of my weekly diet....
But remember.. you replace about 98 percent of the atoms in your body every year... I just had my yearly physical the other day and granted I've been working out like a fiend these past 11 weeks but all the years of eating crap with trans-fat this and that had to take its toll, right?
Wrong. I have the blood of a 23-year-old man according to my doctor. My prostate and thyroid tests were so good I'm thinking of donating my body to medical science before I die...
My point is... we're a pretty resilient species.... everything isn't as bad as it's made out to be....
Having said all this, none of my friends have 11 fingers, or glow in the dark, or telepathically communicate with sea life... I think kids could eat nothing but barbed wire and velcro and still end up just fine... next....
_
Let me change this up a bit... how many times do you touch the bottom of your shoes in a year? More than a couple, right? Don't they walk around all over everything including bathroom floors every single day?
Do I care if my hands brush up against the soles of my shoes? Not at all.. in fact, I think I'll go lick them right now.. just to prove a point...
(on second thought... next!)
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Email: I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Email: Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
TVGuy: I'm sure cans have some residue here and there... but I can't bring myself to care.. I just can't....
_
Email: I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
TVGuy: Wait, Penny is ill? Oh my god!! Why wasn't I informed? How can I help?!?
_
Email: I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
TVGuy: Gotta say, I've never gotten that Spam email.. but if you can't figure out that that's just a load of crap.. how the hell do you have $15,000 lying around??
Also, what is this "AOL" you speak of?!?
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Email: I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
TVGuy: Maybe St. Theresa should take a look at poor Penny Brown... I understand she's not doing so well...
I also had to look up the definition of the word "novena"... dammit....
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Email: I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
TVGuy: I no longer eat KFC because their chicken has more fat, sodium and calories than an entire Chinese Buffet...
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Email: I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
TVGuy: Look you dodo bird... the National Cancer Institute doesn't think there is a connection between deodorants and cancer... so for God's sake would you slap on some Speed Stick so I don't think there are water buffaloes roaming the city streets.... thanks....
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Email: Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
TVGuy: If you for one second surmise that sending out... er... bulk emails.... will... uh....
Well, okay... that actually works. How do you think I found TVGal?
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Email: Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
TVGuy: I drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.... handy to have around...
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Email: I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
TVGuy: Oh for God's sake.. lock the doors why don't you... if you're dumb enough that someone can enter your car without you noticing while you're... you know... 1 foot away from your car... then that's just our Supreme Being's way of thinning the herd...
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Email: I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
TVGuy: I drink Pepsi and Dr. Pepper because the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans... and I'm pretty sure their stuff will remove toilet stains also... or so I've heard....
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Email: I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
TVGuy: Nimwit... here with more are the good folks from Saran Wrap...
A statement by the SC Johnson company says the "plasticizer" in Saran Wrap is derivative of naturally occurring citric acid found in citrus fruits and is 100% dioxin free. The statement further adds that dioxins can only be formed with chlorine is combined with the kinds of high temperatures associated with waste incinerators, temperatures like 1,500 degrees F. Even the most powerful microwaves are not capable of those temperatures, according to the company. SC Johnson says none of its products contains dioxins.
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Email: And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
TVGuy: Actually, this one has just a sliver of truth to it... you can "superheat" water in a microwave, but only if you leave it in there for like 15 minutes on High Power... but even then, you'd have to be looking down into the cup at the precise moment it decided to burst forth... which isn't very likely now is it...
If this scares you, then just put a wooden spoon or stir stick in your cup of water... this will form "nucleation sites" that allow the formation of bubbles... also, you can use an old cup or non glass vessel (something that may have slight dings in the surface which also forms bubbles...)
But really, you should be worrying about something else far more serious... for example, did you know that ABC was thinking about renewing "According to Jim" for another year!!? Yikes!!
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Email: I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with HIV.
TVGuy: Umm.. what's a "pay phone"...?
(By the way, there isn't a single account of this ever happening in our planet's history...)
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Email: I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
TVGuy: Ummm... no. It's really tough to make an airborne sample so strong that it causes unconsciousness... and this isn't an Austin Powers movie... next...
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Email: I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
TVGuy: Simply put, you're an idiot...
Next...
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Email: I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
TVGuy: Hey, they're French for goodness' sake.. what do you expect here?
(Side note: I know everyone loves Target and loves pronouncing their store name "Tar-jay"... but I was just there last week and I'm sorry.. but the store is a bit... how do I say this... er... "white-trashy"... right? Is it just me? I wouldn't wear their clothes on a dare...)
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Email: I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ...
TVGuy: I don't understand this at all... someone asks you to dial a number that you don't know.. and you do it? Really?
If that's the case, you wouldn't happen to have $15,000 lying around, would you?? If so, send it to TVGuy, PO Box 33100, Denver, CO....
thanks ever so much...
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Email: I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
TVGuy: If you haven't heard by now that this is an urban legend (Neiman Marcus stores didn't even sell cookies when the rumor started!!) then there is no hope for you... but I also understand that the recipe yields delicious cookies! And since I'm all about the giving...
Neiman Marcus Cookies
(Recipe may be halved)
2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 cups granulated sugar
2 cups brown sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal (measure oatmeal and blend in blender to a fine powder)
24 oz. chocolate chips
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
2 tsp. vanilla
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet..Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies..
Email: Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
TVGuy: Just imagine how screwed you'd be if you put a woman's purse down on the bathroom floor next to it! Double Jeopardy!!
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Email: And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
TVGuy: Actually, that's my five dollar bill.. it fell out of my pocket.. thanks... if you could just send that to TVGuy, PO Box 33100, Denver, CO....
thanks ever so much....
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Email: I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
TVGuy: Well, sure.. you shouldn't be buying gas from "Hitler's German Fuel-o-Rama" or "H20 Fuels Inc." or "Al's 'I can't believe it's not Gasoline!' "... but other than that.. shut the hell up and jam the nozzle in your SUV already why don't you....
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Email: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
TVGuy: Yeah, but she had it coming to her... she didn't forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
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Email: Have a wonderful day....
TVGuy: Why.. thank you... I guess we're done then....
Email: Oh, by the way.....
TVGuy: I guess we're not done yet... Yes?
Email: A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
TVGuy: Damn, my hand is on my mouse.. oh no! Must. Get. It. Off. Before....
Email: Don't even bother taking it off now. it's too late!!
TVGuy: Arghhh!!! I need to email Sister Theresa pronto... now where is that email address...
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Conan: In an effort to protect the environment, Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using toilet paper should be introduced. In a related story, don't ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow...
--"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
never say never...
...a fountain in Chicago's Millenium Park that has video screens embedded in it... and every so often, the mouth purses and water flows out of the structure... the first time I saw it I thought it was just artwork on the tower.. then as I began to take a picture, the video picture "blinked" at me.. then smiled.. I almost had a heart attack then and there...
Millenium Park is easily one of my favorite places on the planet with these towers, the giant ampitheater, the crazy aluminum twisty walk across lake shore drive towards Lake Michigan and the wonderful Cloud Gate sculpture as well... hopefully I'll see them all in June when I'm in the windy city again....
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From yesterday's posting... longtime correspondent Jana wonders whether TV's Todd's discovery of the Abraham Lincoln stuffed doll is less a representation of our 16th President...
or more of one of our greatest Game Show Hosts, Mr. Bob Eubanks....
It's a tough call to be sure... more research clearly needs to be done...
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I overheard someone the other day chastise somebody for using the word "Never"... they said "don't ever say that word.. or the word "Hate".... they are too strong to be used as absolutes... nobody ever feels that strongly about anything...."